To Want To Know The Passcode for my DD's (13) phone?

[pilates]

I have always known her passcode and periodically have checked it. She recently changed it and didn't want to give me the new passcode but eventually succumbed after I threatened to take away all gadgets. She gave me the old chestnut how her friends parents don't know the passcodes for their phones. So it got me thinking am I?

I would never ever read my teens diary, and if she wanted to keep a diary in electronic form I would allow a secret paassword on that, however anything that is open to online infiltration, or is a communication app or site she could use to speak or be spoken to by strangers, it is wholly different to a diaryor a letter.

They will look at inappropriate things no matter what you do.
They will experiment with things you don't want then to no matter how you police it.

What matters to me is that they felt safe to come and talk to me, or their dad about it.

I think at 13 yanbu to do this, but I would give the child as much privacy as I could and wouldn't ask for passcodes past 13. I would have been mortified if my mother had access to all the sites I had been on at 14/15/16!

However, I have always had the type of relationship where the DC would come and talk to me about everything and we would talk about it. I never needed to police it.
Just the sort of relationship we had, until I looked one day. I had to go and pick him up from school. He was 14, he was naive and has ASD, he was getting the bus from school to meet a girl he'd met online, we knew nothing about this. The police arrested a dentist from Leeds (we're a long way from Leeds).

I came up with a solution to this when my dd was about 14. She wrote her passwords on a piece of paper and sealed it in an envelope which I kept. I promised I wouldn't look unless it was something I considered an emergency, she promised to update the list if she changed her passwords. Peace of mind for me, privacy for her.

Yes I too have a good open relationship with dd. but she is trusting & naive & on the spectrum so I will monitor for some time yet.

She knows the alternative is to not be allowed any social media/mobile phone.

I always feel stunned at these types of threads. I had a phone from age 11 and my mum never searched it, she never even asked to. She never searched anything of mine, my room, bags, computer etc.

Do people really go through all their child's thongs regularly?

Most inappropriate typo of the week award goes to me. things is obviously what I meant to say

dame, I promise you, I'm far from naive. I know how much I kept from my own parents, although TBF, I certainly wouldn't say we had a relationship where I felt I could tell them anything.

I would check which websites they had been on, but it's so easy for them to delete their browsing history and delete cookies, it wouldn't necessarily achieve anything. Fortunately DH is an IT expert, so hopefully he'd be able to bypass that!

I'm not saying people are wrong for choosing to keep such a close eye on their teens; I know the balance between giving young people some privacy and keeping them safe is a very fine one.

I always feel stunned that people don't check. I wish my mum had checked mine when I was 13.

I don't have a teenager yet but do wonder how you all know that the facebook or email account you have access to is the only one they actually use?

I'm intrigued though at what age people think it's acceptable to stop looking. 15? 16? 18?

If my mum had tried to look through my phone/facebook/email at 18 I'd have hit the roof. I had a phone from the age of 12 and my own laptop with internet access from 15 and my mum never once asked to look at it. She'd have had to wrestle it from my cold, dead hands, frankly.

To be fair cunny - deownfing how old you were your mum probably has very little idea of what could go on. Mobiles wernt invented when I was 11 but when I eventually had my first one it was basic calls & texts only, no Internet, no social media.

Things have moved on & parents are much more aware of all the pitfalls.

I have both dds passcodes (ages 13) Im glad I do as its a revelation. I have a brilliant line off communication open with them but the fact is however well you get on etc there are some things that they just wont divulge. To be honest its as much to do with the peer group and whats going on than they themselves. I dont check rigidly, but will do a sort of monthly spot check. It usually revals nothing but on occasion there have been things that Im glad I saw because then I could offer advice and point them in a different direction. Often they are relieved !!

Isabella , I regularly do searches & did indeed find A youtube account dd had set up without permission.

I demanded it be deleted as I felt it could lead to her being ridiculed if friends found it (make up tutorials but she's rubbish at make up etc)

Well I'm 23 so it wasn't that long ago when I was a young teenager.

It probably wasn't a smartphone, though cunny? I think most peoples concerns aren't what they're saying to their friends, but who can contact them via chat rooms, websites they can access etc.

I like the sealed envelope idea. My mum and I had a similar agreement in the days before smartphones, Facebook etc- she said that she would respect my privacy and wouldn't go through my things/room except in case of emergency or if she had reason to think I was into drugs or other trouble.

YABU, in my eyes but i never felt the need to check up on my dd, we have a very honest open and trusting relationship and it would never cross my mind to check up on her.
If i want to know anything i ask her, and i don't think because you pay for your childs phone it gives you the right to check it either.

I think having access to codes/ spot checks could be giving people a false sense of security.
It is important to distinguish between privacy and secrecy and I feel that by invading a teen's privacy (eg. Insisting upon reading the many stupid messages they send to their friends) you are likely to push them towards secrecy (deleting the messages they don't want you to see.)

Why bother being trustworthy if you are not trusted anyway?

You are unlikely to stay one step ahead of the kids on this one. The more you give them cause to hide things from you, the more likely they are to do so. When they start deleting rude jokes from a friend cause they are embarrassed you might see them, it becomes less and less of a big deal and more of a habit to delete browsing history; delete entire conversation threads; lie about names and ages of their contacts.

I just feel that regular, casual discussions about internet safety and appropriate behaviour are more likely to encourage teens to use their phones sensibly, than trying to keep track of their movements.

This is the sort of thing parents where I live get their children to agree to.
tweenparenting.about.com/od/tweenculture/a/Parent-Child-Cell-Phone-Contracts.htm

It's lovely to trust your children and have open and honest relationships with them.

It's everyone else out there I'd be concerned about.

I agree about electronic diaries being private, but if they're able to communicate with other people I'd want to have the ability to be able to see it, even if I did it rarely.

Thank god there wasn't this issue when my children were young.

DS1 is 14. We still ask him to keep us informed of the passwords for phone, PC and all social media accounts. We hardly ever check them anymore (he thinks we check them more often than we do). He is still a child and his safety is our responsibility.

He has never sent or posted anything that concerns me. Some of his friends, on the other hand...

Mrs V -I hear what you're saying but I think you might change your mind when your kids are older.