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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possibly got basal cell carcinoma and dh unhelpful about appointment

86 replies

Ragglefrock · 06/11/2014 00:05

I'm fairly sure I've got a bcc (skin cancer) on my shoulder - wont bore you with the details but it's textbook. I have suspected something awry for a while but couldn't see it properly and buried my head in the sand for about six months.
Anyway dh said I should get it looked at so I am planning on getting an appointment tomorrow. My dc2 is poorly with a fluey type bug no sickness (yet!) But feeling hot and feeling a bit sick. I asked if he would have a spare hour to watch her whilst I go to the doctors. He basically said no, he's a secondary school teacher and then has a meeting after school about a trip (that hes going on but not leading). I'll have to take dc2 and dc 3 with me. The doctor is at the end of our road and we live literally next door to the school so he often is home in the day to collect marking or work during free periods.
I'm kind of annoyed really, and a bit upset that despite us both agreeing that it looks dodgy, fits classic symptoms and presumably will mean a bit of minor surgery or treatment or whatever he won't step in and help for an hour. The meeting isnt critical, he has a couple of free periods and his head is reasonable over organising cover.
I'm genuinely unsure if iabu - weighing up the potential hassle factor for him against me being too needy. Im a sahm.

OP posts:

TheRealNightsWatch · 06/11/2014 07:51

If it was me I would just take my kids with me. As others have said, your appointment will just be a quick chat and referral.

I honestly wouldn't expect my DH to have to leave work and I don't think he'd be prepared to do that for just a gp appointment. I think it would look bad at work for him and you might need him to take other time off for hospital appointments so would just manage this one without childcare this time.

Hope it goes well for you.

WooWooOwl · 06/11/2014 08:15

If you don't even have the appointment yet, YABU.

It's not really your place to decide whether or not he needs to be at this meeting, and you have just had half term.

Ask him when would be a good time for you to get an appointment, and try and get one for then.

skylark2 · 06/11/2014 08:19

Another YABU here, I'm afraid. Something you've left for six months is not suddenly an emergency needing attention within a day unless it's changed dramatically.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 06/11/2014 08:22

I think people have missed that one of the children is likely to be too ill to go with the OP. So OP's DH would be asking for time to look after the poorly child. I do think it must be possible to find a better time for the GP, what with the school and GP both so close to you - hope you can work it out.

Abra1d · 06/11/2014 08:23

Is there nobody else who could sit in the house with the children?

JackSkellington · 06/11/2014 08:36

I think YABU, if you were so worried, why didn't you did leave it for 6 months? Why not make an appointment for next week, giving you time to sort out childcare, or take them with you?

diddl · 06/11/2014 08:43

I think that if he's got free periods & usually comes home for them & could do thos time then hibu.

If he really can't come home, then when can he & make the appointment for then!

Or if you don't want to wait, take the kids!

CrashDiveOnMingoCity · 06/11/2014 08:43

Sorry that you're feeling worried but I agree YABU. It's not an emergency. I think you're being harsh on your husband.

SASASI · 06/11/2014 08:44

BCC only spreads in very rare & extreme cases - looks ugly yes but a few days is not going to make a dramatic difference.

I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma skin cancer on my left thigh (the one that spreads rapidly) oct 13. My doc cut it out there & then - took all of ten mins. Went back following week to have stitches removed & given the rather shocking diagnosis.

6 weeks later I had plastic surgery to remove a wider & deeper section of tissue (to remove all the remaining cancer cells) & another dodgy mole on my ankle. I couldn't drive for 6 weeks, had to bum shuffle down the stairs, DH had to help me shower etc. Needed driven to practice surgery for dressing changes.

So he might need the annual leave if you get to any of those stages - this was before DS, I don't know how we would have managed with him here. Discovered I was pregnant same month as surgery which was a massive light at the end of the tunnel although I was consultant led & placenta was tested for any traces of the cancer - thankfully all clear.

I'm not belittling your self diagnosis, it's always better to get these things checked out ASAP but a day or two is not going to matter.

FWIW my life insurance paid out for my melanoma, it was the only skin cancer they did cover due to it's aggressive nature. I hope you do not have anything so severe but if you do & have a life insurance policy it's worth checking out. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

ChestyCoffin · 06/11/2014 08:45

Well done OP for plucking courage up to go and get it checked.

Could be a number of things but I would keep the appointment, don't keep leaving it.

Anyone else who could sit with poorly DC?

sanfairyanne · 06/11/2014 08:51

just remake the appointment if the children are that ill
no big deal
this is not the same as melanoma and anyway you have waited ages already

DelGirl · 06/11/2014 09:01

Could you ask for an appointmdnt time after xchool. Wouldn't that be easier

bearleftmonkeyright · 06/11/2014 09:39

Hope you've made an appointment op. I too had to have plastic surgery on both of mine and the stitches can be quite tight. I recovered quickly from mine because it is not very deep into the skin. For bcc its no worse than dental surgery. Once they are removed they rarely come back, but you do need it sorting. I left mine for ages and ages and was terrfied because I felt like an idiot for not pushing it with my gp as he had made the wrong diagnosis of impetigo. They grow very slowly. But make the appointment at a mutually convenient time.

Original poster

Ragglefrock · 06/11/2014 09:52

Ok - thanks it seems the majority think iabu. I've asked for an appointment tomorrow instead.
Just to answer a few comments - I know that I could have gone many months ago but I just assumed hoped it was a cyst as I couldn't see it properly it wasn't ever a daily worry however it has become a bit painful and very itchy over the last few days which is why I asked dh to look at it see if he could squeeze any gunk out (which he refused to do and once he'd taken a photo I could see why)
SASASI - thanks for your post - I'll dig out my policy later on
No I don't have anyone else who can look after the children - otherwise I would have asked them?!?
Good points about saving up goodwill if required further down the line - thanks.
Maybe I was/am being over dramatic but realising it could be more than an under skin spot late at night dealing with a sick child on my own and feeling like he didn't care was a bit stressful hence why I posted here to get a more detached perspective.

OP posts:

northgoingzax · 06/11/2014 12:12

YANBU - my husband would drop everything even if it didn't fit in with his work - he would know me well enough to see that my avoidance over the last 6 months was down to anxiety whether I said it or not. Also he would not want me to put off the appointment any longer in case I didn't get round to it again. I think your dh should rally round and support you as his response has been upsetting to you. Not much empathy on here I must say.

Poopooweewee · 06/11/2014 12:38

YABU.

I've had a BCC. To call it skin cancer is a bit OTT, yes, it IS a form of skin cancer, but it's the least aggressive type, and only metastasises in 1% of cases; calling it 'skin cancer' evokes unnecessary fear.

I had mine for six months because the doctor said it wasn't a BCC, it was only when I googled it I realised that the doctor was wrong. I didn't panic or make any demands on anyone's time, however, as I was well aware that I wasn't in any immediate peril.

If the doctor suspects a BCC he will refer you to a dermatologist in most cases, so you wouldn't get a firm diagnoses on your initial appointment in any case.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 06/11/2014 17:34

It doesn't matter how serious or not it is. It's about the OP who was/is feeling scared, a DH who is able to work from home quite a lot when it suits him, doing nothing to support her. Frankly, it's damn well not good enough in a marriage.

LuluJakey1 · 06/11/2014 18:04

I think it is very unusual that he is able to pop home to collect sets of books and in free lessons.
I am a teacher, so is DH- separate schools. We are both expected to ask permission to leae our schools during the day- popping out anywhere is not allowed without permission and an absence from school form being completed. They pay him to be there- whatever is or isn't on his timetable.

That aside, I think YABU. Re- arrange the appointment. If you have waited 6 months, a couple of days won't matter.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2014 20:07

Until it's removed, the OP has no idea what it is.

So suggesting she delay is not especially helpful.

cricketballs · 06/11/2014 20:09

as a teacher (even if he has free periods) he is expected to be in school. For any time away from school he needs permission from the HT; this is the downside of the job, but as he was home last week for the full week you should have booked your appointment then, or when he will be home after school (meetings are also directed time so its not a case of missing it, unless he has permission)

Singmetosleepzzz · 06/11/2014 20:11

Totally YANBU!

StarlingMurmuration · 06/11/2014 20:28

I can understand the urge to see the doctor ASAP... It's possible to ignore something for ages because you're in denial, then when you do realise you have to sort it out, feel a great sense of urgency about it. But I can see why your husband might not get this - like a lot of the posters above, he'll be thinking, "You've waited six months, what's a few days more?" But hopefully he'll be able to get some time off tomorrow.

I don't think YABU at all unreasonable to say that bcc is skin cancer, though. Even is it is a relatively less serious skin cancer. What's this a form of cancer not real cancer shit, Poopoo?

Wishtoremainunknown · 06/11/2014 20:31

I'm sorry but yes YABU. You don't even have a diagnosis yet and it's an initial appointment where they will most likely refer you on.

No need for him to go as well.

Green18 · 06/11/2014 20:48

Take the kids. You'll need to be referred. You'll be in there 10 mins(presuming your docs surgery runs to schedule) Try not to worry, my dad had a bcc that he left for 3 years despite me nagging. Just had it removed, as an outpatient, no further treatment needed. So if you really don't want to take the kids, reschedule appointment. Good luck.

SeymoreButts · 06/11/2014 21:15

I'm with nanny OP has self diagnosed BCC! It's probably that, but she doesn't know until it's been biopsied.

Have you got an appointment tomorrow? Take the kids if you have to, as others have said it will be a quick appointment.

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