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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of people off loading on me????

31 replies

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 21:08

Seriously exhausted tonight! Spoke to 3 different people this day. Two long time friends and my sister. All spent the whole conversation complaining and moaning about barious aspects of their lives! None of them even once asked how I was or if things were ok. At one point during a convo with a friend I stopped talking altogether and I don't even think she decking noticed. Tomorrow I'm not answering the bloody phone. I have had enough.

OP posts:

JustSayNoNoNo · 05/11/2014 21:19

How are you? Are things OK? Vent if you need to. Or just tell us the ordinary things you wanted to share with those people. We won't moan at you. Promise.

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 21:49

I'm boring really, spend my life running after 4 kids and trying to encourage my autistic son to communicate! Honestly though my sister isn't usually like this. I often wonder what it is about me that attracts this type of behaviour.

OP posts:

hooker29 · 05/11/2014 22:05

We had this a while back,and it really does grate! Hubby got made redundant nearly 5 years ago (he's now working).He has 2 older brothers.Bruv no 1 is single.No kids.No partner.No ties.Owns 4 properties etc.Is very much a hermit-we never see him except birthdays and christmas.Bruv no 2 is married with a 14 year old.Up to their eyeballs-and then some-in debt,he hates his job,she keeps losing hers etc.....
FIL and his partner (who we usually get on with ) thought nothing of coming round,offloading to us about how worried they were about bruv no 1 (aged 48!) as he was so alone and never saw anyone....how his house was a mess and he wasn't bothered about cleaning it etc......likewise with bruv no 2;how worried they were cos he hated his job,was working all hours godsends to keep their heads above water etc.....
Not once did they ask how we were coping with DH being out of work...both financially (not well) and emotionally (terribly)DH was depressed,snappy,and felt a failure yet they didn't think about how we were getting on...just offloaded about the 2 brothers.
Got so fed up of it that, when they rang before visiting I told them we were busy/going out/washing our hair because I really did not want to hear heartbreaking stories about his poor brothers!

notagainffffffffs · 05/11/2014 22:07

Ya soooooo nbu. I hate this.
Allow me op...
How are you? You look lovely, hope you and dh etc are well?

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 22:37

Lol thanks notagain ??

Im so glad it's not just me. I was feeling a bit of a bitch after I posted. But I'm glad to hear other people get pissed offer three same thing.

OP posts:

JustSayNoNoNo · 05/11/2014 22:42

At work I'm the one who gets offloaded onto. I feel like a sponge that's full. It's a mystery though, why some people just never notice you need to offload sometimes too.
With 4 children I imagine you have plenty to offload about, and probably not much time to think about 'you' either.

What do you do to unwind?

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 22:45

Eat! I eat like a big fat horse! Food doesn't talk back thank fuck! My OH works away during the week so I sit when they all go to bed and fight with my conscience about what's in the fridge. Jeez in a sad bugger!!!

OP posts:

delicialicious · 05/11/2014 22:46

I have distanced myself from several friends recently who just use me as a listening machine and never ask about me at all. Self absorbed twats!

feebeecat · 05/11/2014 22:50

Nope not just you. Dh often complains he has no 'real' friends, no one who would phone him up or want to meet up with him like I do. I then repeat the gist of today's drama's/fact my leg fell off mid conversation and they didn't even pause for breath and he swiftly changes his mind
Think we just attract them. Best bit is, not only do they never ask about you, but if you are not totally enthralled, bit off colour or preoccupied, then it's you that's being "funny".
YANBU, but it will pass. There has to be a reason we keep going back for more

gamerchick · 05/11/2014 22:53

Emotional vampires are very skilled in latching on and keeping latched onto their victim. You need to sour the milk for baby as it were.

I was like that for years and royally had the piss took out of me by many a vampire and freeloader. Sometimes you have to say no. The first time you say no is the hardest but it does get easier... then it becomes a pleasure

Turn your phone off and keep it off.. don't answer your landline. If you feel in the mood then answer or return the calls.

How old is your son? Baby sign is really good from those who have tried it.. I wish I had as my youngest is autistic and didn't talk for years.

loona13 · 05/11/2014 22:55

Captain, you lost weight Darling! (no offence, my fav text from Bridget Jones ;-)) Try ?? instead, might have slightly less calories, and life will be good again \m/

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 22:58

I have already decided not to answer my phone tomo. Like today I happened to mention to one friend that I was looking for some thick crayons for my lad did she know of any and she pent the next 10 minutes telling me how wonderful she was at teaching her daughter to write and how the teachers always mention it to her. Aaaaaarrrggggghhjjjj

OP posts:

LoisWilkerson1 · 05/11/2014 23:01

YANBU Happens to me all the time, I don't mind listening but it should be a two way street. I do have people in my life who would struggle to remember my kids names yet I know EVERYTHING about theirs!

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/11/2014 23:05

A quick google suggests that Ebay/Amazon/Hobbycraft for thick crayons :)

YANBU There are times you need people to ask about you and show some concern not just witter on about themselves.

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 23:11

Thanks dejavu I got some from Learning space. Lol

But here tell me, do these people not realise what they r like? I mean I'd be mortified if I hogged a whole conversation never mind every feckin conversation.

OP posts:

LoisWilkerson1 · 05/11/2014 23:14

I did embarrass a workmate who Id been really supportive of for three years when I said 'what a day, miniLois is really ill' and she asked who I wad talking about! 'My daughter fgs!' She was mortified to be fair.

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 23:26

Lmao lois! At least she was listening. ??

OP posts:

LoisWilkerson1 · 05/11/2014 23:36

Haha yes that's true, I got a word or two in that day! I wonder is it bad manners or selfishness with these types? I would never talk AT someone non stop!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 05/11/2014 23:38

You are not alone in this OP. I'm going to rebel though. I just cannot stand 1 more evening listening to people whinge and whine about the same old crap they've maundered on about for years. I'm going to get A4 card and make signs to hold up at the predictable and inevitable moment...
I told you to ltb 15 years ago and you're still moaning about the same old stuff. Shit or get off the pot! Etc etc
Somtimes it's like fuckinv groundhog day.

LoisWilkerson1 · 05/11/2014 23:43

shit or get off the pot

Original poster

Captainbarnacles1101 · 05/11/2014 23:46

Lol. That's it!
My mother knows my two mates and she reckons they both were selfish over indulged children so no change in adult hood. Mind u she says I'm a doormat so she maybe isn't a reliable source. Lol.

OP posts:

JoanHickson · 05/11/2014 23:57

How do you manage with four children op? I had a tendency to be a doormat, the solution for me is to become a hermit. Try it.

MexicanSpringtime · 06/11/2014 01:58

There was a stage in my life that was particularly bad like that. I felt like just one big ear. And it wasn't even particularly complaining about their lot, just friends who seemed to see me as one big ear. I used to wonder when they told me about what other people were doing/feeling, how do they know? With one I had to give my dd special permission to interrupt as that friend never even noticed that dd was hoovering, waiting to say something.

ZingOfSeven · 06/11/2014 02:24

Captain

just say no.
don't pick up the phone as you said. better still - unplug it.

If you don't look after yourself you can't look after anybody, so get "selfish" and learn to ignore people who are not your priority right now.

if you can't stop yourself from picking up the phone here's a trick I use - when you answer the phone walk into the kitchen and set your oven timer for 5 (or 10) minutes.
Then take a deep breath and tell your caller that you have exactly 5 (or 10) mins because you have a lot to do and when the time is up you will hang up.
when the timer beeps just interrupt the conversation by saying "oh, time is up. I have to go now."
then say your goodbyes quickly and hang up.

do this every time and ignore people protesting. They will get used to the new "regime".
I don't see why, when you are so busy, you should allow anybody wasting your time!

btw I know it's hard to look after 4 kids (we have 7), must be even harder with an autistic child in the mix.

Coumarin · 06/11/2014 02:46

I know someone like this. They called the other day and despite knowing I've been ill and had things going on they never once asked how I was or what was happening with me. Everything was a huge dramatic story, even really trivial things like being slightly late for work. Each story lasted about 10 minutes. Once, whilst they were bitching about someone that I happen to really like, I actually put the phone down on the side and made a drink. When I picked it up again, they were still going.

After an hour and a half they said 'so are you all ok?' I started to speak and they interrupted with 'good good, I better it go, it's really late and I have so much to do. Why is it always so late when you call?'

They'd called me.

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