first time grandparents......and first time mum!

[ramona85]

Since I got pregnant ILs have really been getting on my nerves and I don't know how to stop it. I love them and I don't want to feel this way at such an important time in all our lives...
I think a lot of it is my fault, I am being over sensitive and it's causing issues with DH.

• when broke news of pregnancy to FIL adv we were waiting til 12 wk scan to tell anyone outside family in case of MC etc. Told me (just me, not DH, who sat meekly in corner as I got told off) that I was being ridiculous and he would be telling anyone he liked (which he did) MIL and BIL joined in, also telling me not to be silly and to let FIL enjoy 'his' moment. I CANNOT GET OVER THIS. I'm still fuming.

-ALL ILS think we will journey to hosp together and they will be there for entire labour. Have told them no, which they were pissed about they can come after when we've bonded as a family and I have recovered a bit. FIL said we can't keep him from coming and he will be there. -FIL keeps referring to baby as 'his grandson' and me as 'his boy's mum' tho we don't know sex. Really annoys me! -they are already talking about babysitting all day and overnight which is making me feel nervous, am only 3 mths pg! MIL wants baby x1 day per week. I should be grateful as that will help with childcare when i go back to work but I feel apprehensive about it.

Any tips of being the bigger person and not letting this stuff bother me? I know FIL is just excited and I have this feeling of resentment building in me that won't go away and DH can tell but he thinks they are being fine (hospital shiz aside, he knows that if any of them turn up before we say so my labouring ass will murder them)

Why do babies turn perfectly nice peope into assholes? I loved my FIL b4 this now everything he does pisses me off. If he's like this now, what will he be like when it's born? Or am I the asshole? I just don't know anymore.....ugh

It will only get worse if you don't set boundaries now. Both you and DH need to get this straight between both of you and be firm. Honestly my first baby months are still hard to think back to because of ILs behaviour, I have forgiven but I have never forgot and that makes me sad. If I'd had mumsnet then oh god would things if been different.

You could prepare FIL for the immediate aftermath of the birth by whenever you see him from now until birth, hoicking out your norks every couple of hours for an hour. Then ask him to go and get 4 massive packs of sanitary towels from the shop and when he comes back say "no these are wrong, I need the ones that are really soft like a cloud. My twat is in pieces after your boy [spat with venom] made his fluid-soaked entry into the world. Go and get me some more pads please."

Seriously, the first few days/weeks are brutal. You will forget this quickly unless you have to share it with people you're uncomfortable with, in which case you will hold it against them for Years. Years I tell you.

(Sorry haven't read the entire thread, but have to jump in because I am so scarred by my PIL's insensitivity around Ds2's birth.)

As PPs have said, you need to sit your DH down and decide together exactly what your boundaries are in this situation, and ongoing. And then send a clear message to these heinous people that YOU decide what happens regarding your child.

Your DH doesn't need to tell them anything, ever. No details, not the time of the first contraction, nothing. His duty is to protect you and your child from undue stress and upset.

My DS is 2 and won't go to sleep without me, so your PILs have got a long wait for sleepovers if your LO is anything like mine plus I'd never send him to theirs in a squillion years anyway

special

I am a besotted grandma.

I go with the 'Tell them to Fuck Off' advice.

And if your DH won't support you, you can tell him the same thing.

Put your foot down. Now. If you don't it's only going to get worse.

Tell DH to man up and support you. This is your baby, your rules. End of discussion. I know it's hard and you feel like your being rude but there is no reasoning with people like this

Two bits of advice

Write on your birth plan and tell midwife during labor that IL's are not allowed in

Secondly use a sling, relax and let everyone run round you.

Make sure your dh is on the same page and put your foot down to keep some boundaries. I just posted on another thread about my low point a few days after dd1 was born, sobbing in the bath, bleeding, in pain, exhausted and hormonal because my insensitive in laws, who we previously had to stay one or two weekends a year, had decided to invite themselves for a whole week the day after the birth. i needed sleep, space, time and privacy to cry, breastfeed and mope in my pjs and they were on holiday wanting to play with my newborn. I still think that stress played a big part of my getting postnatal anxiety and depression. When we conceived dd2 dh and i agreed for the sake of my mental health that they couldn't come for the first week after the birth so i could recover. best laid plans, they moved to our town the week she was born

I'd suggest you innocently ask your MIL how she enjoyed having her own IL's at your DH's birth.

What, she didn't want or have them there? There's a shock.

nthing "simply do not tell them when you go into labour."

Do not tell them when contractions start. You could be in labour a really long time and the last thing you need is them turning up and making a scene. Get dh to lay out the rules and if the don't like them tough. Do they live close enough that they won't have to come and stay to see the baby? When they do come and it's getting to much take yourself and baby off to bed. Please don't let them spoil those first moments with your new baby I nearly let mil spoil it with dS but managed to let my inner bitch assertiveness come out.

This sounds similar (albeit worse) than how sil was when I had dd. she regularly commented on how I needed to give bf dd a bottle so she could have her, how I needed to share dd, how she wanted dd at her house without me there. she would turn up without notice and treat dd like a toy wanting to undress her so she could squeeze her thighs etc.

I used to smile politely and commit to nothing. Dd never went to her until I was ready and it suited dh and I. Part of me wishes I had stood up for myself a bit more, but the benefit of saying nothing in whilst not giving in has meant that now I am a bit less primeval protective pregnant woman/ new mum (I'm not suggesting that's what you are BTW), sil is someone who will have dd so dh and I can go out and I know how much she wants her so I don't feel I'm ever putting on her.

An old work colleague always used to say 'the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the roost' and its true. Your baby will want you, your comfort and your scent above anyone else so you get to call the shots. Good luck!

My Mum did that to me - told the entire extended family I was pregnant when I specifically asked her not to. I had most of them on the phone within the hour offering their congratulations. I've never forgiven her for it and our relationship has deteriorated because of it- mainly because she still can't understand what she did wrong.

Anyway, everyone else is right, this is up to your do to sort out-in words of one syllable and pronto.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck!

Your Dp even!

The best line I have heard for this is
" you weren't there straight after or during the conception - the same goes for the birth in my book " and then smile sweetly and wink

Wowsers. Deja vu!

Here's a handy little snapshot of possible craziness:

'Gosh, I can't possibly decide that yet! I'll wait til my baby is here.' You utter control freak.

'Traditionally, on my side, the parents always chose the baby's name.' So nob off.

'My Health Visitor says baby must spend 99% of its time with Mummy to thrive.' So stop trying to snatch him from my arms. He's 3 hours old. You were lucky to see him so soon.

Breast feeding means that once born, they have to return the baby to your arms every couple of hours. And can't take it away for a day/night.

Buy a sling to baby wear at home when they visit. Even if you normally let them lol about in a bouncer.

'These days, our Health Visitor insists we ...' So no whisky to make baby sleep you batshit loon.

'Don't worry, we'll let you know as soon as there's news/you can come over.' Stop fucking calling. Yes, it's 2 weeks late, what would you like me to do?

Good luck, have a low alcohol and retain your sense of humour so you can laugh with your DH.

And never, never get between PIL and DH, he has to sort them out himself (with your guidance, obv).

Ask them both if that's how their parents behaved when they were having their 1st.

Then tell them to fuck off - with a serene smile and head tilt

Your Pils aren't the problem, your DH is...

Yep, get your DH on the same page! Your baby, your rules.

I'd also perfect a pleasant, noncommittal demeanour - "yes, overnight stays definitely, when we are ready" "of course, don't forget baby could be a girl" etc, etc :)

FIL said we can't keep him from coming and he will be there.

This concerns me. You need your dh to man up, tell his parents that their wants are unacceptable and making comments like above are even more so.

^ What babykon said.

If you said "How do you think that makes me feel when you say that?" what would he say?

Because either he's going to have to admit he's being a wanker, or he'll have to admit he doesn't care. If he's seriously not bothered about distressing the pregnant mother of his grandchild, or is happy to plan now to distress her and stress her out when his grandchild is newborn, then you have plenty of time to explain to dh how this is Not Happening.

And I'd explain too that because he feels he has the right to 'have his moment' with any secrets you share with him, then sadly you can't share any further secrets until they don't need to be secrets any more. This man needs to figure out he's not the first priority here. DH definitely needs to figure out right now that his father is not the first priority here and start stepping up unless he wants a very unhappy dp and mother of his child.

As usual totally agree with chippednailvarnish

Your biggest problem is your dh here.

If he doesn't back you up here kiddo you are in deep trouble.

What on earth does he think
Of his father seeing your bits in labour? Seriously seriously wierd.

Practise in front of the mirror no no no no no no no. Tell the hospital no visitors. They will keep them
Out.

But first and foremost sort your dh out!

Yup - your fil is a pain but your dh needs to sort his act out.

I could have written your post OP, except mine was my DM and DMIL, but nearly all of the situations you described have been the same. Our pfb is now 15 days old and both gm's are desperate to see him at all times and for me to bugger off and leave them to it.

My advice, give them very specific jobs, my PIL are cooking meals for us and my DM is washing all of our clothes. It's great! They want to be involved and to 'help' so I tell them exactly what is helpful and let them get on with it. They get lots of extra cuddles when they turn up with clean laundry or food!!

Also I echo the pp about the birth. My DM would not stay away! In the end I told her to go away. Thankfully she listened, and blames my curtness on the pethadine.

I just can't understand why people go like this. No wonder new mums get post natal depression. You feel very vulnerable when you preg. My mil was bonkers when I had my first. I did succeed in keeping her at arm's length but it made me so stressed. I'll never really forgive her for it. Our relationship is quite stilted, several years later.