To be very peed off with DH about this?

[delicialicious]

I have had PND twice. During both my episodes of PND, my DH was very unsupportive and basically didn't give a fuck. Leaving me was mentioned more than once. He refused to engage in any conversations about my PND, and was mean and horrible to me at times when I found normal household tasks difficult.

Now his sister has PND too. FIL phoned yesterday to tell DH. DH is super-supportive about it all, and keeps saying about how worried he is about his sister and how horrible it must be for her, and that we must help. FIL is arranging a bit of a rota to help SIL with childcare, and DH is fully expecting me to rally round and to do my bit too!

AIBU to be pissed off with DH that he didn't give a shit about my PND yet I am expected to be all sympathetic to his sister? I have tried to discuss it with him today and he says that he thinks he was very understanding and supportive to me!

What are your DH and in laws proposing is done for your sil?

How much support did sil give you when you were unwell? I would not be put on a rota for anything against my will and I would be going apoplectic at DH-tell them they can count you out.

SIL gave me no support at all when I was unwell. She is self centred and dislikes not being the centre of attention at all times.

FIL mentioned to DH about DH and I helping out a couple of times a week for the whole day. So, whole days of having SIL's two children in addition to my own, including school runs to two schools, as her eldest child attends a different school to my children. Her youngest is still under one, so I would not be able to work much on the days that I have him, and I couldn't even get any work done if he napped because SIL doesn't like him to nap in the day as he won't sleep at night if he does.

I am going to tell DH that I am not willing to be placed on this rota. If we were a family all caring towards each other and understanding of things and supportive then perhaps I'd be more willing.....

I am so cross at DH though. It's brought back horrible memories of him being unkind to me when I was ill, and the whole unfairness of how he's being so sympathetic towards his sister yet was so cold and uncaring towards me is really upsetting me.

How awful.

And it's carrying on now, isn't it? The fact that he is unwilling to even discuss it is the same behaviour - unsupportive. I don't care what you think or how you feel. If I say shut up - shut up. You only talk about something if I decide you may.

Basically.

tbh, (and assuming you choose to stay with him), I'd be saying that I will give my sister in law exactly and precisely the amount of help, and in the exact same way, that I was given. I'll have her kids as often as she had mine. In fact, I'll be more generous and help her out as much as I was helped out by her AND the parents in law combined.

See if they can invent times when they supported you and helped you out.

Hi, I know you posted this in AIBU & not Relationships, but honestly why are you still with someone who treats you so badly.

SIL has enough family to help her, right now you need to focus on the fact that you are living with a complete wanker :(

I gobsmacked by this. They want you to have them a couple of days a week?! Who else will be helping? How many days will she have her own kids!!

Say no-I will be working, sorry, I can't. Does fil work?

Why on earth do people need to have both her children from before the school run in the morning? What is she going to be doing?! That's not giving her a break, that's raising her kids?

Tell DH that having 4 kids twice a week might tip you back over the edge. It's already giving me murderous thoughts!!

FIL works full time but he and his partner are going to have her kids every weekend for her for the time being, including overnight on Saturdays.

As far as I know it is just FIL and his partner, then me and DH on his crappy rota.

FIL thinks it's important to have her kids for whole days to give her a proper break and give her 'time to herself'

Deal with the immediate problem first. Bypass your husband, contact your in laws direct with a 'not a chance sort something else out'. If you don't I think you'll be lumbered anyway from the sounds of it.

Then deal with your husband and tell him exactly how all if this is making you feel. If he doesn't acknowledge your feelings then he's just doing it again and it needs pointing out.

I agree with the above poster. Speak to fil today, before the rota is written in stone!

Say, you're sure he'll understand as hes being so supportive about SIL's situation that you suffered with depression yourself; having two extra children to look after whilst you're trying to work is likely to cause a relapse and then he'd have you children plus hers to look after whilst you recover.

What an arse. Your husband is being just as bad.

And the extra stress could potentially make you unwell again!

Your husband isn't sticking to his wedding vows and you have no obligation to help his sister. I can see your marriage ending if you are forced to care for her children. Maybe that would be for the best if you are married to someone who thinks he is the boss of you and you are just there to STFU.

Value yourself as your husband and his family don't .

As someone else has said, all this "helping out" that everyone is offering and proposing seems to involve you doing the actual work.

I would only agree as long as the rota was actually fair, ie, your ILs and your DH also actually taking time off to look after SIL's children. Or when it's "your and DH's turn", making sure that DH is not just pissing off to work and leaving it to you.

I would be very deeply hurt should DH behave in the way your DH is, but that's a separate issue to your SIL needing help.

And I'd say you need to have a very serious think about what your DH actually feels for you and decide what you want to do about that. I get the impression that there's not much in the way of love, support or respect from your posts.

I'm curious to know how severe is the SiL's PND, what support she's getting through her GP, etc, and what their recommendations are.

For example, is this a self-diagnosis? (Not saying it's not valid.)

Also, is this childcare rota all FiL's idea or was it suggested by a professional?

Is the childcare the only thing that's being done for treatment of the PND?

Sometimes people help in ways that are wholly unnecessary and/or (ultimately) unhelpful.

Please tell your husband that his refusal to discuss your feelings about your PND is hugely upsetting, and that you have more to say and hear (from him) about the matter. It's crucial for the success of your relationship.

Cant help but feel that the 'help' your SH is willing to offer his sister involves you doing the childcare and not him. I would refuse point blank and infact taking a leaf from his book refuse to discuss it and say the matter is now closed.

I would refuse point blank and infact taking a leaf from his book refuse to discuss it and say the matter is now closed.

This

I think you would be perfectly reasonable to refuse to go on this rota to care for your SIL's children - and if anyone has a go at you for it, you can simply and calmly say, "I am offering SIL exactly the same level of support, sympathy and practical help that was given to me by the family when I had PND TWICE!!"

I think it's lovely that your DH is so concerned about his sister.

So what is he going to do to support her?

It's awful what you went through, but I think it would be wrong to use it as a stick to beat your SIL / FIL / DH in this context. It needs to be dealt with separately.

So, again I say if your DH wants to support his sister what is he going to do about it - cut back his work / hobbies / free time? He can't slopey shoulder to to you.

Second SDTG

Only I would also be asking why it is now being recognised when sil has it, but not when you had it

If you are able to help your SIL, then do so. Remember how you felt with PND - it's awful. In ife, we all need to help those in need if we can. Make sure that your DH and FIL do their share too. Helping others can bring happiness (although don't commit to more than you can comfortably achieve and don't be a doormat).

Separately address the issue of your DH's lack of support when you were the one who was ill. I think you need to have a long talk with your DH about how isolated and sad you felt when you needed him and he was not there for you. Say how you are glad that he now realises that new mothers, and anyone else with MH issues, may need understanding, and hope that he will be more understanding of any future health issues that you, his wife, may have in the future.

I can see where pps are coming from when they advise you not to help, but actually that is a sad way to live and to approach life, and will not make you feel good in the longer term. I hope you make progress with closure on the past with your DH.

Personally, I would sit down and have a little 'chat' with FIL. I would point out that you had zero support when you had PND, and that now it is SIL and not you, you are being instructed to help. I would point out that this hypocrisy is sticking in your throat and that his decree that you are to help has done nothing but rekindle resentment against him, his son and his daughter. That feeling so resentful, it is obviously not in SILs interest that you be around her AT ALL, and that you will ABSOLUTELY NOT be rota'd for childcare, it is a great imposition and completely unacceptable. That you feel mistreated by him and his family, and you fail to understand how they can behave in this way. I'd then go home and rip my husband a new one, and that he can whistle dixie for you doing anything for his bastarding family ever again.

And yes, I really would be considering whether I wanted to remain in a marriage with this unsupportive arse.

Personally, I would sit down and have a little 'chat' with FIL. I would point out that you had zero support when you had PND, and that now it is SIL and not you, you are being instructed to help. I would point out that this hypocrisy is sticking in your throat and that his decree that you are to help has done nothing but rekindle resentment against him, his son and his daughter. That feeling so resentful, it is obviously not in SILs interest that you be around her AT ALL, and that you will ABSOLUTELY NOT be rota'd for childcare, it is a great imposition and completely unacceptable. That you feel mistreated by him and his family, and you fail to understand how they can behave in this way. I'd then go home and rip my husband a new one, and that he can whistle dixie for you doing anything for his bastarding family ever again.And yes, I really would be considering whether I wanted to remain in a marriage with this unsupportive arse.

Exactly!

I think that is the right thing for the OP to say to her FIL, but I would send it as a letter or email, because I think saying it to him would be a very stressful experience - I suspect he'd take it very badly indeed and would take it out on the OP - which she does not need.

OP, have you always known your husband is a dictatorial, unfeeling prick?

I would be furious!