To be nervous of my DD when she is having a tantrum

[MrsMarigold]

she's two and is having quite a few. I'm terrified as she bites and throttles me but also won't let me go or comfort her. I'm worried she'll hurt herself the way she hurls herself about. Any tips. The key issue is that she always wants to take her baby in the bath or wear her shoes in there. I tried bathing her in the morning instead but no joy.

The only issue with baby going in the bath is that baby has a cloth body. She has other babies but she doesn't like them as much and she also cuddles baby when she goes to bed. But thanks for the advice.

its a doll let her have it inthere if it makes you life easy. It can be dried or replaced.

when she has a tantrum - just leave her you must walk away. offer all the comfort afterwards.

Or you could try heading them off by distraction if you know what other triggers are.

I would let the doll thing go though.

I really feel for you OP. I suspect it's not just about the doll/shoes in the bath but about EVERYTHING and it's exhausting. She sounds like my DD3 and it's hard to convey the intensity of the tantrums to people who don't have a child like this.

I agree with other posters that you could put your DD in her cot to keep her safe. With my DD there was no way of calming her down, we just had to wait till she'd finished then wait 5 minutes for the next tantrum to start We didn't have a cot when she was 2 and the pushchair wouldn't stay upright when she tantrummed so it was exhausting trying to keep her, myself and the other DDs safe. DD3 is nearly 8 now and she's still strong willed but the tantrums seem to have stopped.

My DS is only just starting to throw tantrums and at the moment I find it best not to try and comfort him - it seems to fuel it.

I found this too. Trying to comfort DD3 was like waving a red flag at a bull

drape the dolly over the radiator and it'll dry overnight, DD takes her cloth bodied dolls in the bath. Some things are non-negotiables but some aren't. Dolly in the bath isn't worth getting in a stress about.

oh, I see she cuddles her dolly at bedtime. I'd wrap it up in a towel and when she's fast asleep take it off her and stick it on the radiator.

Pick your battles, OP. I've been lucky in that way as my son (now 2.5) has always been very verbal, so seemed not to tantrum anywhere near as much as his peers because he had the words to communicate. (Though when he does it's volcanic...) I've noticed, though, the tantrum rate among his friends go right down as their vocabulary and ability to express themselves increases. This too will pass.

Let her take the doll in the bath. It will get wet. She won't be able to cuddle it and next time will probably not want to take it in again.

My DS has huge rage-filled tantrums. Ignoring is the best way. Plenty of nights he just got a quick wipe over too instead of forcing a bath.

She is on the cusp of talking well and we also have another small issue (breast feeding- she won't stop) which is probably contributing. So fingers crossed. Baby is the most ghastly looking doll with wonky eyes, holes and stains which don't come out at 60 degrees but much loved

you know when children are strongly attached to objects it is a reflection of their bond with their parent - it's called transference

Letting her take the doll in the bath only solves a tiny part of the issue.

You clearly have perfectly good reasons for saying no to her on these occasions and you're right to do that. If you said yes to that doll going in the bath you'd then just have to say no to her having it at bedtime. It is a good idea to pick your battles but there are times when children will be told no and they have to learn to deal with the emotions it causes.

When a toddler in tantruming like this they are experiencing an emotional overload and don't know how to manage what they are feeling. They find it difficult to process language in that heightened state so negotiating is unlikely to be successful.

The best thing to do is allow her time to calm down, only intervening to stop her hurting herself or damaging things or to do something you know for sure will help calm her. Some children like to be held and rocked but it would just send others to another level of screaming fury.

Don't reject her when she's angry any more than give in to her. Be a calm reassuring presence ready to offer a hug when she is feeling calm enough to accept it.

Once she's calm you can acknowledge her feelings, e.g. "You felt very angry when I said you couldn't take Dolly in the bath, didn't you? Shall we wash her face with a baby wipe now so she can be nice and clean to go to bed and snuggle up with you?" This helps her recognise her own emotions and makes her aware that you understand the reason she was upset while also redirecting her to a new activity so she doesn't just kick off again.

As she matures, she will learn to manage these emotions better and, as long as you have been calm and consistent with boundaries, she will also not have learned that tantrums are a great way to get what you want out of people.

You have my sympathy, those tantrums are terrible. It is scary because you can be aware you may hurt them in the way they can thrash about etc.

Can I really recommend a book called The Parenting Puzzle. I hate reading and am dyslexic but this is a dip into and out of book and a huge help.

www.familylinks.org.uk/shop/schools-shop/the-parenting-puzzle

She may well grow out of this and if she does not you will need to explore more what drives the tantrums. I am sure most kids do grow out of them.

My dd was/is similar in that bribery does not work. I am now grateful for this, it means in later life people will not be able to buy her off (I hope). My dd also knows her own mind and her difficult phase was age 5-7. But I saw occasional tantrums well before that.

Try and anticipate the tantrums and minimise the impact by making sure you are in as safe a place as possible when they happen. Sometimes we do know what will set our kids off and I have sometimes moved delicate or special items (not that we have many!) in readiness for an argument!

You are not being unreasonable at all. Kids can be hard work and can scare us, not always that we think they will hurt us (although they can, my dd has nearly headbutted me in the face by accident!) but more because we can (in trying to restrain them) hurt them. In the clamer moments can you talk about the good behaviour, emphasise the good and head tantrums off at the pass when you can. It is not 'giving in' or not being tough enough it is helping children to deal with their very real feelings.

If this rage continues I would speak to the health visitor, explore if any food are making it worse (e.g. keep a food and behaviour diary to see if this impacts it - e.g. sweets or whatever making it worse) and I would also look out for books like

What to do when your temper flares

But that really is for the future and it may all change by then. I do think keeping a record of 'incidents' helps if you can as some things may be making it worse. My ds (4) is worse when he has too much TV and my dd (now 10) is worse if we go out too much!

calmer moments not clamer moments!

Thank you I will try that book.

TV definitely leads to more aggressive behaviour and so does tiredness. She isn't much of an eater and I think that exacerbates her problems, she also suffers from terrible constipation and is wary of prunes, fibre, veggies etc.

I have read this whole thread and you have been given some great advice...but I think the fact that you are 'terrified' and 'nervous' does indicate to me that you might need a different approach...when she starts the tantrum, can you walk away before she bites/throttles you? She must be picking up on the fact you are nervous? It must be a bit scary for her...I would try my hardest to understand that no healthy child will seriously damage themselves and take a step back...don't let her bite you, hold her as one PP said..I have held a few much bigger children like that and have very rarely actually been bitten....then when she is calm you must tell her that biting is not on...tell her each time...This too shall pass is a phrase I often used to tell myself...

My son used to smack his head off things when he was having a tantrum - it was only when I stopped trying to prevent him from doing it and actually watched him closely that I realised that he was actually really controlled when he was doing it and used enough force to make a noise, but not enough to really hurt himself. Once I started ignoring it and letting him get on with it he stopped...!

Could you go together to the shop to buy a baby especially for the bath and then that be the bath baby? Even if that one has a cloth body it can dry overnight. Let her pick whichever one she wants within reason with a constant reminder that it is only for baths (and I would put it up high in the bathroom or away somewhere).

Tantrums, I would tell mine that I loved them and they need to be in their room to calm down (and then deposit in room and wait next to door within sight). My 13 (almost 14) yr old will say now when he is really mad that he needs to go to his room to calm down. When they calmed down I would tell them again I loved them and did they want a hug. DS#2 was particularly out of control during tantrums and would often have more than one in a row. He would go back in his room if he started again and I would sit and read and try not to show that I was paying any attention to the behaviour but was there in case things got out of hand.

Good idea to get her to choose a small doll that she can have for bathtime. However, if you have decided she does not have a certain thing in the bath - you have to stick to that. Giving in just teaches her that tantrums work

Also - she will know if you are 'scared' when she tantrums and will use that to manipulate you, so try to be assertive and firm if you have to deal with her.
I would read books,..ask Health visitors,..anyone,..It IS something you need to learn to handle because if you are scared of her now - god help you when she is a teenager.

Is she getting enough sleep?

Also my dd has quite a temper but you can head her off with a bit of warning and negotiation. E.g. if we take something off her with no warning she kicks off. But if we say "we will do this in x mins" then tell her when x mins is up, she's very good as knows what's coming and there's no fuss. It means she has some control and knows what is happening.

MrsMarigold raisons can work wonders on constipation. Can you cut fruit and dried fruit up and use it to make funny faces on plates before eating them. Being constipated is awful. Can you see GP and get some fruit based laxative that is OK for little ones to get things moving?

Having had a long time of living with a dd who is a handful I have learnt a less confrontational approach to parenting and I am finding it easier now.

I am not sure the parenting puzzle focuses much on tantrums but it is a general parenting book. I also read Raising Happy Children by Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson

I am not sure either of these books focuses on tantrums so maybe someone else can recommend a book that does.

I can totally relate to any concerns you have in how you relate to your child. Sometimes kids can raise very strong feelings and emptions in us and if a child feels they can be in control then sometimes they will!

When dd was little we were not able to have another child and I found having only one and feeling I may only ever have one meant I found it very hard to discipline her. I ended up talking to my GP and got some counselling from the GP surgery for my infertility. I only say this because if you feel it would help to talk to someone about your concerns you may find help somewhere for that too.

raisins!

Not saying you need help, MrsMarigold, as such but if you feel you do then ask for it from health visitor maybe.

Ive found totally ignoring works best trust me, the more you pander the more they do it

I'd give her a few minutes warning, then let her help run the bed and add some bubbles. One of the little ones I look after refuses sometimes to have a bath so I get him to either surprise his younger sister by getting in first (he squeals with excitement thinking he got one over on her and she couldn't give a hoot) or counting to see how fast he can get in. Sometimes he picks a toy to bring in or I blow bubbles for them to catch or read a story. He's never thrown a tantrum over bath time, we've always managed to get around it without tears thank goodness. Best of luck.

My DC4 (2years) can throw bad tantrums especially if tired. I put her on the floor at my feet and lift a kids book and start reading it aloud to myself/her. Usually within a few minutes she calms and listens. If she doesn't I lift her and put her in her bed and tell her I'll come back when she stops screaming and walk out of her room. I've never got past the top of the stairs before the screaming has changed to a "mummy" She has the worst tantrums of my 4!