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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so, so angry my tiny, sweet, kind, 5 yo dd is being bullied

32 replies

GaryShitpeas · 03/11/2014 21:06

there is a boy in dds class who is bullying her, verbal abuse, name calling etc but today it turned physical and he kicked her. the other day she told me that he said " I am going to get my whole family to beat you up" i mean for s start, wtf world do we live in where a 4/5 YO kid even says that??

i am so angry. I have an appointment to see her teacher tomorrow and they better do something or I will take her out of the school.

she really is so sweet and kind, she is quiet, clever, has lots of friends and wouldn't hurt a fly. i asked why she hadnt told anyone until now and she said she is scared of him. and why has no one noticed?? and why is he picking on her? what has she done? :(

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 03/11/2014 21:08

You poor thing and your poor, poor DD. Don't let them fob you off with bollocks. They need to tell you exactly what they plan to do about this. And they need to tell the boy's parents (recent case I'm aware of where the bullying went on for ages and the bully's parents were in blissful ignorance)

Longtalljosie · 03/11/2014 21:09

She has done nothing. At that age, the boy is probably copying behaviour he has seen Sad

Cantbelievethisishappening · 03/11/2014 21:10

My daughter endured the same hell from the same age. I wonder if he is jealous of her? My daughter's bully was relentless and I very nearly took her out but the school got a new head who dealt with it. Turns out he was jealous of her for a variety of reasons. Stand your ground on this..... the previous head was a waste of time and went as far as to blame my daughter because she was a typical victim.... her words, not mine.

MsVestibule · 03/11/2014 21:14

YANBU (obviously). I would be absolutely horrified if this was happening to one of my DCs. Can you insist that his parents are involved?

Makes you wonder about his upbringing, though.

wanttosqueezeyou · 03/11/2014 21:15

I'd be furious. And really upset. Thanks

WooWooOwl · 03/11/2014 21:15

It's horrible for you to have to be going through this, but try and remember it's nothing personal against your dd, or you. Of course she hasn't done anything to warrant this, and the reasons he is picking on her are all about him, not your dd.

Sadly behavioural problems in children this age don't tend to go away overnight, so as it is already more than a one off, you are going to have to keep on and on at the school or consider moving your dd.

duplodon · 03/11/2014 21:17

I am sorry you feel so upset and your dd is too.

My boy is four and there have been numerous incidents since starting in September. We just talk them through and I have told him to find someone else to play with, if they follow him, turn and say 'stop that, it's not funny' forcefully and if they are still pursuing seek out a teacher. We have also talked a lot about how people are generally good but can be confused and make bad choices. . he was having trouble with one child in particular who was new to English and we talked a lot about how that might be a very frustrating experience for him, while not condoning the bad behaviour at all. Two months down the line, he is friends with some of those who gave him a very hard time at the beginning.

It is hard to see them hurting and I hope you have a productive meeting with the teacher.

It is hard to know. I

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 03/11/2014 21:19

see I am trying to feel sorry for the little lad cos at that age as longtall says its probably copied behaviour

it breaks my heart to hear dd telling me and see her sad little face, she just doesn't understand meanness

yeah i had similar to your dd when I was at school cantbelieve . and when i told the teachers, they blamed ME, it was my fault. so I won't be accepting any of that bullshit and I wish to god I had told my parents so they could have done something. the bullying ruined my teenage years and even now at 34 in some ways it still affects me and I don't want that for any of my dcs :(

OP posts:
duplodon · 03/11/2014 21:19

Oops truncated line. It is hard to know in terms of taking them out of school. Is she R or Yr 1?

championnibbler · 03/11/2014 21:20

If i were you, i would do what my dad did when my brother was being bullied. tell the little shit yourself that if he doesn't stop it, you make sure he's in big trouble. it worked for my dad and my brother was never bothered again. sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

ILovePud · 03/11/2014 21:22

I'm so sorry that this is happening to your DD, what a grim start to her school days, of course she hasn't done anything to bring this on herself, I suspect that the boy may be targeting other children too. I hope the school respond appropriately to your concerns and put measures in place to protect your DD, I'd say keep calm and be assertive and persistent if necessary.

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 03/11/2014 21:25

duplo she is in year one (so yeah they are 5 and 6 not 4 and 5)

champion do you know what, i'd actually love to do that but i would be scared of the repercussions from his parents, unfortunately I live in an area where, lets just say, you wouldn't want to fuck with anyone

my friends DD (in the same class) had a chunk of hair cut off by someone recently as well and the teacher has done fuck all.

OP posts:
ILovePud · 03/11/2014 21:26

Seriously champion, the boy is 4 or 5, if your were to do this you'd lose any moral high ground and could end up being painted as a bit of a psycho, the school needs to sort this out. OP sorry to hear about your experiences and how shit the school were with you but not all schools are like that, hopefully your DD's will be better.

findingherfeet · 03/11/2014 21:27

No you are not unreasonable, it makes me so sad and so cross that children can be so mean, my heart goes out to your DD, tell her to walk away from him so he doesn't get a reaction, to tell her teacher/you/someone and to concentrate on playing with her nice friends .

duplodon · 03/11/2014 21:28

That's dire! How can that be let happen? I think it's more serious if Year 1, lots of them seemed a bit wild and unsettled in my son's class in September but had calmed by start Oct. No settling excuses for Year 1.

BonzoDooDah · 03/11/2014 22:02

Oh no - horrid for your little girl.

I would go to the school, tell them it all, ask to see their anti-bullying policy. Ask how they are going to deal with it. Say this is physical violence so you are extremely displeased and they need to stop it now. Your daughter is in their protection while she is at school and they are failing her.
Tell them straight away you will not let this drop if it continues.

Then tell your daughter that she must tell you AND a teacher as soon as anything like this happens again (if it does I mean).

I suffered dreadfully from bullies at senior school and didn't know how to deal with them. But schools are much more well up on this these days.

I found this book Bullies Bigmouths and so called friends and almost cried reading it. If only I'd had this then. It's a bit old for a 5-6 year old - I'm reading it to my 7yo at the moment... but it does give ways of coping and tells you what to do if you are bullied (don't ignore it, do ALWAYS tell etc). So at least you can give the right advice. There are probably books for younger children out there too.

And yes poor boy - obviously troubled - but it stops now. Means the school may help him as well - they might just need the flag 0- or have already had several and need a parent in reporting it to issue an exclusion... but your daughter comes first. Good luck tomorrow.

Coolas · 03/11/2014 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 04/11/2014 10:49

thanks everyone

will update when i have spoken to her teacher

i think because i have been affected by bullying myself i have taken it really hard. and almost personally, and i am looking for answers as to why she is being picked on.

when i dropped dd off at school this morning she clung on to me and whispered "have you spoken to Miss about yet mummy?" i wanted to cry :(

OP posts:
LL12 · 04/11/2014 12:05

Your update broke my heart, pls don't let the teacher fob you off.
I wish to God my parents had spoken to my teachers when I was being bullied, instead it was easier for them to blame me for being bullied rather than getting it dealt with. I affects me still after nearly 30 years.
If there is one sniff of my children being bullied I will be straight to their school about it, I don't care if I become one of 'those parents' or if the bully come from a troubled home or anything else, I just will not stand for it.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 04/11/2014 13:47

I'm sorry this must be heartbreaking for you. You need to tell school ASAP , and tell them the effect it is having on your dd Hmm

Downamongtherednecks · 04/11/2014 13:54

Gary hope it goes well. You are a good mother, you are listening, acting promptly, and have said you won't let the school fob you off. Don't go near the other child or their parents. My dd found it helpful to shout, "Get away from me, you are bullying me!" (rather dramatically!) every time the bully came near her. It draws attention from other children and adults and gives her back some power. Good luck.

HappyAgainOneDay · 04/11/2014 16:13

I'm no good at expressing sympathy but what the OP described has to have a stop put to it. I hope everything went off all right today, OP , and that positive results will become apparent immediately soon.

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 04/11/2014 17:32

well I spoke to her teacher

started on the wrong foot as stupid fucking TA hadn't even arranged the meeting AS PROMISED

so I turn up after class and her teacher has no idea im expecting to speak to her, and is IN A MEETING WITH ANOTHER PARENT

im left hanging around like a spare part OUTSIDE in the freezing cold with all of my dcs including a small baby until someone goes and tells DD teacher. half an hour later I get a five minute chat with her

anyway she was sympathetic (but i got the feeling she was thinking i am one of "those" parents) and she assured me that bully will be spoken to tomorrow. and she said to DD that DD was to tell any of the teachers if he does or says anything again. I guess that's all they can do for now but I will be keeping a beady eye and ear out and any SNIFF of him harming one hair on DD head I will be back there like a shot

OP posts:
ILovePud · 04/11/2014 18:08

Well if looking out for your DD makes you one of 'those' parents then you should be proud to be so. Sorry that the meeting was a bit of a cock up but now you've flagged the problem, hopefully things will improve but if they don't I'd go back in and ask for a clearer plan of what they are doing to ensure she's safe at school.

AlexD72 · 04/11/2014 18:50

He's bullying your child because she is tiny sweet and kind. He's a bully so he will pick on children smaller than him. Some children actually see being kind as a weakness so they bully them.
He will probably come from a household where this behaviour is normal and he's probably bullied himself.
Something will need to be done as it will have an effect on your child and please don't let them get away with fobbing you off. It's difficult for you because your emotions will be all over the place. Try to stay calm write down points you want to make and be forthright.
You are now fighting your child's corner. I'm sure you will make her very proud.