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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to have Christmas in my own house this year for the first time ever as an adult?

29 replies

inconceivableme · 03/11/2014 15:44

DH, toddler DS and I plan to spend Christmas at home this year. Until now, since DH and I got together 15 years ago and have alternated Christmas itself between his family and mine ever since, and have then visited the other one after Christmas iyswim? So, the last 15 Christmases have involved a round trip drive of about 8 hours min every year. We now live closer to my family after having spent years living closer to his.

We want Christmas on our own this year and without having to pack up the car with loads of stuff and drive for hours. We plan to go to his family for a couple of nights a couple of weeks before Christmas and will see my family either on the 23rd or 27th. We'll have DH's parents visit twice before Christmas in addition to this too and they'll probably come to visit mid-January too. My family we see about once a week / every ten days or so usually.

Am anticipating that the ILs and my
parents might be disappointed but it's not unreasonable and selfish surely? I'm the wrong side of 35 and have never cooked my own Christmas dinner. As nice as it is to be catered for, this year we'd like to eat food of our choice, have our home comforts around and watch what we want on TV. Hopefully it'll be relaxing and fun and not too flat.

We don't have the space to host everyone unfortunately and ILs wouldn't stay in a hotel at Christmas and I don't blame them either.

OP posts:

LokiBear · 03/11/2014 15:49

Not unreasonable at all. That is what we are doing this year too. Pils have been brilliant about it. I think they understand; they felt the same when their kids were little I'm sure. My parents have also been great but they are coming for dinner!

Catsmamma · 03/11/2014 15:49

blimey you are a saint!

definitely stay home and have your own lovely christmas.!

MollyHooper · 03/11/2014 15:51

YANBU.

Last year for us was a disaster, running around with a 6 year old and 5 month old both with horrible colds made me say this year enough was enough.

It isn't selfish at all, I don't know how you did it for so long.

Sparkletastic · 03/11/2014 15:51

YANBU - disappointment may be expressed but don't let that put you off. Were you and DH shipped off to alternate GPs every year? I bet not.

MrsKoala · 03/11/2014 15:55

I find the idea of alternating xmas with family odd. We've never done it. Perhaps 2-3 times in my adult life have i spent xmas at someone elses house, but generally, since i left home at 16 i have had it with my partner at our home, together. Never hosted either, as all our relatives like it at their house too.

ExMil used to get really cross and say 'xmas is for family' and try to guilt us into going, but when we said they could come to us, that was wrong too, we had to go to them for it to be 'proper'. Which was convenient as it meant us taking time off working driving for 5 hours each way, but they didn't have to make any effort

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 03/11/2014 16:01

Op you know what just go it.

For the first time in, I kid you not, 25 years we are not cooking both Christmas dinner and Boxing Day dinner.

We are getting up, opening presents huge breakfast and heading for a few glasses into the local pub with our kids. Youngest 15.

Them home to rest!!!! Watch tv. Whatever we want up do. Family invited from 4 onwards for a waitrose easy spread.

No cooking, peeling, rushing. No sit down meal and no huge washing up.

And that is they. You go it.

Oldraver · 03/11/2014 16:05

I moved away (2/1/2) hours from home when I got married and almost from the start made it clear Christmas would be spent in our home not traipsing up and down the country.

My Mum was really pissed off, I think as by this time she has moved into a pub and wanted to play the entertaining landlady while I cooked. Plus she likes to show off to friends that "ooh Oldraver has travelled all this way to see us" I know she hated telling friends we were not coming for Christmas Day

We've been punished ever since as she wont come to ours but chooses to go abroad what a a shame

Funny thing is when we were young we didnt go traipsing round to relatives we had Christmas in our home, Mum would not of liked to go off to other houses. I personally think it a bit unfair dragging kids away from their own home

chemenger · 03/11/2014 16:09

As soon as we had children we made it a rule that we were at home at Christmas and that anyone who wanted to see us had to come to us. One lot come for Christmas the other lot come at new year. I enjoy cooking for company so it suits me better, even so I admit most of Christmas day is collected from M&S on the day before Christmas Eve (which makes me sound like Margot Ledbetter, I know). Now I am attracted to the idea of a hotel break but this is vetoed by teenagers.

Spookgremlin · 03/11/2014 16:11

We did this last year as I was heavily pregnant, seemed as good a time as any to make a break. Like you, we still saw family before and after for little celebrations. I gave birth a couple of days later, it was so nice to have had a Christmas to ourselves, the first one our ds was aware of, and the last as a family of three.

DH and I felt it was the best Christmas we'd had together, so relaxing, doing everything as we wanted and starting our own traditions. It didn't feel flat at all.

I think it helps to think of Christmas as a season as opposed to a particular day. There's plenty of room for doing things as you like and to include others as well.

ladydepp · 03/11/2014 16:18

My MIL tries to get us to go to hers every year. Small cottage with small garden, nothing for my 3 DCs to do, tiny cramped kitchen and table and games not encouraged. BORING.

We went to MIL 3 years ago while we were renovating our house and after that I said never again. Now we stay home and if she wants to come to us she can, as do a couple of other single family members. My DCs can relax at home, play games and not have to be stuck in basically one room while MIL gossips about her neighbours and relatives. DH and I can cook what we want and play lots of games with the kids.

OP - you deserve a chance to cook your own Christmas dinner and do Christmas your way. I hope you're brave enough to do it once the guilt trips start

BettyFocker · 03/11/2014 16:29

YANBU.

I have spent Christmas twice at my parents house since being with DP. Once when he was working, and the other time when DS was a baby and it was very nice to have our dinner cooked for us by my DM and for me to put my feet up while DS was entertained! It was a nice, relaxing first Christmas with DS. However, since then we have had Christmas at home with just me, DP and DS. And that's how I prefer it. I love cooking so it's nice to eat what we like, relax, play with DS and just enjoy the day as the three of us. There's no expectation on us to be anywhere else.

Up until I left home, I spent every single Christmas at home with my parents. No-one came to us and they didn't go anywhere. So I like to do the same with my family.

I couldn't do all this alternating business. I think it's better not to ever set a precedent for Christmas otherwise it can make you feel guilty for trying to change those plans later on. Don't make a big deal of it, OP. If anyone asks your plans for Christmas, just say you're having Christmas at home, just the three of you. And leave it as that. It's doesn't require justification.

dancingwitch · 03/11/2014 16:38

Whilst you are definitely not being unreasonable, I do think you need to tell whichever set of parents are expecting to host you sooner rather than later. We are going to my parents this year for the first time in 4 yrs (they came here two years ago) and I know my mum will have started buying bits now in order to spread the cost across three pay cheques.

Scholes34 · 03/11/2014 16:43

We've always alternated since the DCs were little - mum and dad with us one year, mum and dad with DBro and SIL the next. But this year, we're off to my parents. My mum loves the idea of the whole family together and whilst it's not so convenient for us, I feel she deserves to have everyone with her for once - the first time since all the grandchildren have been born. However, we'll be at home on Christmas Day in the morning, as otherwise Santa won't know where to find us for our presents.

I may find I'm saying "never again" by 26 December, but in the meantime, she's getting so excited, and a bit of inconvenience is worth it for that.

I think the less pressure that's put on anyone, the more likely people are to put themselves out now and again, simply because it's not being done under duress.

Lottapianos · 03/11/2014 16:46

Not unreasonable at all. Do it OP - have the Christmas you want. Family members may be disappointed but they will get over it. I'm very jealous - we will be spending three days and several hundred pounds to visit family out of a sense of obligation, nothing more (long story). Do it!

temporaryusername · 03/11/2014 16:54

Of course you have the choice and I don't think YABU. Although it is a shame you cannot host if you are at home and would be happy to if it weren't for space. Is there a particular reason they won't stay in a hotel?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 03/11/2014 17:02

We used to do what you do before we had kids. Since then we've had Christmas at home and have visited my parents on Boxing day as they live the other side of the city. Dh's live 10 minutes away.

These days my Widowed Mum comes to ours and sometimes fil now he's on his own.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/11/2014 17:10

Why wouldn't you? At some point they spent it in their house so why wouldn't you?

Owllady · 03/11/2014 17:13

Just do what you both want to. You have your own family now :)

tilliebob · 03/11/2014 17:31

YANBU

As soon as dc1 was born in 1999 I stated that we were a family and as a family we'd have Christmas at home. Anyone who wanted to visit could but we were going nowhere. Neither DH or I were paraded around relatives etc on Christmas Day and we wanted the same for our kids.

Works a treat

OhBrother · 03/11/2014 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maninawomansworld · 03/11/2014 18:36

We always host Christmas and I love it.

Both sets of parents, 3 siblings (DW's brother and my brother and sister) and their families all stay over Christmas eve and Christmas day so they're with us for boxing day. The remaining grandparents and some of the aunties and uncles come too for the lunch.

My parents always did it when they lived in the big house so for the last 5 years since DW and I took over we have done the same.

Last year for the first time ever ..... we got caterers in!
It was absolutely bloody brilliant. They came on Christmas eve morning and did most of the prep then showed up early on Christmas day, let themselves in the old servants entrance (note the word old we don't have servants btw..) and got dinner on. Best of all, they washed up and cleared everything away afterwards.

Have booked the same team this year, really looking forward to it!

ItalianWiking84 · 03/11/2014 19:03

You should definitely do what you want... I prefer to spend Christmas with my whole family but that's also how I have been used to.
We will be 27 this year and will include 5 generations

Findhector · 03/11/2014 19:14

Well...yanbu but actually, my BIL and SIL tried to pull this on us this year ( leaving us alone with mil) and I was horrified!! I'm from a largish family so the thought of Xmas being just us, our dc and mil just seemed wrong. Also, although I don't really get on with mil super well, I did think that making an effort for her to have all gdc together was the right thing to do. It's only one day, and it's about family (for me). So, if your extended family will have enough people for a merry Xmas without you then yanbu. Otherwise, you might be u, a tiny bit...!

FryOneFatManic · 03/11/2014 19:14

OhBrother You don't have to listen to other people planning what you are going to do. Go ahead and start your own traditions. Get your own decorations, cook what you fancy, it's your home not theirs.

PILs and my own DPs were always invited to us. It's only my parents now, PILs have passed away, but I decided what to cook, the decorations in the house, etc, and they had the choice of eating or not. Luckily their tastes were close enough to mine.

Bambambini · 03/11/2014 19:31

We did this for years. Before kids we even used to sometimes split and he'd go to his parents and I'd go to mine. We live 400 miles away from our families so had long drives to get there, never waking up together in our own home for Christmas, even the first 3 years when the kids came along. Then we had our first Christmas in our own home. Got to put out mild and mice pies for Santa, kids got to wake up in their own beds for once. Had Christmas dinner with friends at our house for the first time. It was amazing, perhaps best Christmas ever.

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