In feeling very conflicted.. (Probably self indulgent)

[Moralityissue]

Ok so the basics are, I have 2 children - one with moderate ASD and one NT. I am married although they aren't my husbands children. Husband works away and Is home at weekends.

I work 5 days a week in a very stressful environment (mental health, inpatient).. Over the last few months I've been really struggling to cope with both work and DS - he can't access any childcare as it literally sends him through the roof so basically I do
It on my own.. My life has become something out of groundhog day, I get up, I keep ds calm - I take him to school, I go to work and help other people, I come home and I de escalate ds. (This can and has regularly involved several hours of being punched, spat on and headbutted etc)

Ds is under the care of CAMHS and if I'm honest is actually doing pretty well, his self harming behaviours are reduced and we are starting to see progress in his anger management...

BUT I'm fucked, I'm mentally and physically wiped out - I'm not sleeping, I'm snappy and tearful and so went to work a month ago and told them I'm struggling and requested reduced hours - they refused stating we were too busy..

(Sorry it's long!)

I then went to my gp who promptly said I'm living with with ridiculous amount of stress and can't keep this up (should add ds is also being statemented at the moment which is ridiculously stressful) he then signed me off for 2 weeks.

I'm due back at work tomorrow - I haven't heard ANYTHING from anyone I'm at work with since I went sick - absolutley no, how are you etc (maybe I'm expecting too much?) but it's resulted in me being even more worked up about going back to work.

I don't know what to do I could probably manage financially if I handed my notice in, but that leaves my husband supporting my children (financially) and I would be able to claim carers allowance (although arguably ds is at school for 6 hours a day...)

I'm just so fed up, I'm not depressed (although gp seems to think I am) I just feel so trapped.. I don't want to admit I can't cope with the never ending appointments snd the meltdowns and trying to juggle a house as well as a job but bluntly? I can't but other people cope right? How!!

If you can't cope with the current arrangement - your partner working away during the week - and you can't change your working arrangements, then can he try to change his? Can he try to find a job nearer to home, so he can do his share of childcare in the evenings?
You taking time off work with stress is not a long term solution.

I really don't want to get SS involved, I work with them on an almost daily basis and the only thing they could offer is respite and tbh that would be worse for my ds anyway..

As for ds's dad - he works very very long hours and so isn't a day to day support but does have him every 3rd weekend overnight and as said above half the 6 weeks holidays.

I don't think I suggested it as a long term solution? Not sure whether your suggesting I was or if I'm being over sensitive?

My DH would love to work nearer to home but the type of job he does it isn't possible - occasionally he is posted nearer to home for periods of time.. But that's not likely for the next 6 months at least.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds really tough.
I would echo previous posters to say is there a possibility you could look for a less stressful job, is there anything else you could do or would like to do as a job that would be less stress on you?

This is what I'm thinking.. Problem is I've only ever done mental health, I worked my arse off qualifying when the kids were tiny.. Think up with baby bf whilst typing thesis and I absolutley love my job.. And I'm good at it.. Or I was at least :(

It sounds incredibly stressful and I don't think you're ready to go back to work at the moment. Your GP will obviously sign you off for longer, so take advantage of that and stay off for a while, even if it's just to get some time to yourself.

If you stay off long enough, you are far more likely to get a proportional contract when you return. Also, if you go back for a week or two and then are signed off again (because it's obvious even to us here that you're not well enough to work yet) then that will count as two absences.

I wonder whether your son's school is right for him. Why are you keeping him in mainstream education when it's clear he's struggling so much? One of my (mainstream) students (A level) has ASD - non-verbal until 8 - and he went to a specialist school until the age of 16, when he joined mainstream classes in college. He's amazing and has learned so many coping skills at school. Might this be a better option for you? It's awful for you and him that he is struggling so much when he gets home and I really feel for your daughter, too.

Otherwise, I think you should look for a different job. You are caring for too many people - you need to have a job where you don't have the stress. Now that will involve a loss of some income, but surely that would be better than a) no income at all or b) unbelievable stress.

I really feel for you. Your stress is so apparent.

Why not quit the job and do some bank work? Then you could more or less choose your hours and just do what you can cope with + you wouldn't necessarily have to downsize anything (or less so). I know lots of nurses (assuming you're a nurse rather than a therapist(?) - although if the latter you could look at some private practice) who only bank. There always seems to be plenty of bank or even agency work around where I am.

I think you should get signed off for at least another couple of weeks and if at all possible go away for some of it. I was recently feeling similarly stressed (illness mostly but also clingy toddler constantly pawing at me day and night - I know it's not on the same level!) and just spending a weekend in a hotel, lounging about and not being asked to do anything, for anything or being touched by anyone really let me relax a little bit and think over what I needed to change and what I could practically change. Being at home I was too bogged down in it to be anything but overwhelmed by trying to think things through.

for you OP. Life is an utter bitch at times - do whatever you need to to get through it as happily as possible.

I do really feel for you, I can hear how "end of tether" you sound. I have been in the same situation of juggling work and DC with SN and had a number of weeks off with what the doctor diagnosed as "exhaustion" rather than stress which I thought was an important distinction! She also said to me, it took a long time to come to the point where I broke down, it can't be solved in a fortnight hand she was right. I would advise a further period off to regain your strength and mental resources, and think about your options.

As his dad is involved to a certain extent and is trusted to care for him adequately, is there any way he could look after him more, a regular number of overnights a week or more weekends than he is doing? I know you have said he can't because of HIS work commitments, but why should you be the one to sacrifice YOUR work and your career which you have trained for? Your DH can't support you because of HIS career, seems like everyone is leaving you to struggle on alone. His dad should be assuming some parental responsibility here. What if you were seriously ill or in hospital (god forbid but you might be if you struggle on).

If he can't, you can't swing part time and there are no other options, you may find you have to give up work , as my DH ended up doing. The immediate relief for both of us was wonderful, but there was the additional stress of financial worries and he hasn't been able to pick up his career again easily so it's not just as simple as people saying give up work.

I would......Appeal re your flexible hours, you may find now you have been off and they realise you're better part time than not at all........or could you take a block of unpaid parental leave, say a week every couple of months to recuperate? I'm sure you know parental leave regs are different for parents of DC with SN. Go to HR and ask for Occy Health referral.

So apologies for essay, but in short ideally one of the men who is your husband or your DS's father should be stepping up to help you in the immediate future, negotiate a phased return to work via OH and then reduced hours....fingers crossed. Best of luck, post in SN too maybe.

Poor thing I feel for you .I was in a similar situation working with children with same needs as my DD and it is relentless. You get ground down and sometimes everyone wants to feel looked after .Can you let DH take control and go away with a few girl friends ?! Or get signed off for longer ?
I doubt your clinically depressed but you have so much stress of course your a bit down .I found taking up a hobby of my own (no kids allowed) actually made a big difference something to look forward to out of the daily battles!

Oh by the way, I get the "touched out" thing too, I laughed when my GP helpfully suggested a massage

If you could swim alone while you're off work ATM, that would probably be amazing. Solitary and relaxing, no phones.......bliss.

You sound utterly exhausted. If you feel you have to get out, our postie told me there was lots of work available heading up to Christmas, and maybe a totally-new, utterly-disconnected job for a few months could help?

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually - (ooh that's handy my iPhone writes your name!) the massage thing is truly enough to give me cold shivers at the moment. Poor DH came home on Friday and expected a snuggle on the sofa.. I sat on the opposite side of the room I am the first person to say that human beings need touch, and they need attachments but fucking hell there is a lot to be said for solitude sometimes. I took ds swimming in Saturday (he loves swimming) and we went to a new pool first mistake which had a super cool wave machine.. He absolutley loved it and I was all 'seeee I can do this' - till it all got too much and by time we got home he broke his bedroom door and trashed his room.. And I was all 'fuck it, I'm never leaving the house again' have a tendency towards the dramatic obviously

I don't think I did myself any favours by my two weeks of being off sick being half term either tbh

Oh darling that must have been really tough! When it goes wrong like that it it sometimes feels so personal, such a kick in the teeth.

Swimming sounds great though! Try and hold on to the positives, I know that it's shite though.

I saw both my kids for about 10 seconds today and in that time I had both of them crying. Brilliant. Parenting is fucking hard.

Have you spoken to your gp?

Also, take the appeal option and start the ball rolling to a better more rounded out you, push for pt.
More and maybe some

Ooh yes, swimming is a great idea. I go hide at the gym now. Sometimes let off steam on the running machine, sometimes swim, sometimes just hide in the hydrotherapy pool and the sauna or even just sit in the cafe for a bit and read. A couple of hours a couple of times a week on my own, doing as I please is fantastic for my mental health.

Um. I only have one DS but when he was diagnosed with an ASC I stopped work for a couple of years. Went back part time after that.

Once I stopped work I had time while DS was at school which I used to (a) rest and recover (b) chase up support for him and (c) go to support groups myself. I started his DLA claim while I was off work and then I could claim Carer’s Allowance. Later on I spent forever getting DS a supported place at an after-school club. I realise that wouldn’t suit your DS but there might be other kinds of respite/care which might work for him, given time. The great thing about being at home in the daytime was it gave me much more time to find out what might be available and set things up - at times that was nearly a fulltime job in itself! And after a couple of years, when I was more rested and DS was more settled and things were in place, I was able to go back to work.

You are not conning the system. It wouldn’t be reasonable to expect you to do everything your DS needs you to do at present and hold down a stressful job.

I know that taking time out from work is not an easy decision to make But it wouldn't be an unreasonable thing to do.

Just an update - saw Gp and been signed off for another 2 weeks, have spoken to work (well HR) who were really supportive and said that I need to be well to do my job well maybe avoiding my direct manager plan is for me to go in next week and talk about what I can cope with and then build back up from there..

If I'm honest I think I will end up resigning but I don't want too and so I'm going to give it a fair whack and see how it goes - worse case scenario I resign knowing I tried everything I could to juggle it.. Best case scenario my life gets easier! fat chance

I'm glad to hear you can have another two weeks off. Keep taking care of yourself and I hope thing get easier

Good for you. Don't think about resigning yet though - give hr a chance to see what they can come up with.

I handed my notice in today... Eeeek!!! Right decision though.. Just scary!!