In feeling very conflicted.. (Probably self indulgent)

[Moralityissue]

Ok so the basics are, I have 2 children - one with moderate ASD and one NT. I am married although they aren't my husbands children. Husband works away and Is home at weekends.

I work 5 days a week in a very stressful environment (mental health, inpatient).. Over the last few months I've been really struggling to cope with both work and DS - he can't access any childcare as it literally sends him through the roof so basically I do
It on my own.. My life has become something out of groundhog day, I get up, I keep ds calm - I take him to school, I go to work and help other people, I come home and I de escalate ds. (This can and has regularly involved several hours of being punched, spat on and headbutted etc)

Ds is under the care of CAMHS and if I'm honest is actually doing pretty well, his self harming behaviours are reduced and we are starting to see progress in his anger management...

BUT I'm fucked, I'm mentally and physically wiped out - I'm not sleeping, I'm snappy and tearful and so went to work a month ago and told them I'm struggling and requested reduced hours - they refused stating we were too busy..

(Sorry it's long!)

I then went to my gp who promptly said I'm living with with ridiculous amount of stress and can't keep this up (should add ds is also being statemented at the moment which is ridiculously stressful) he then signed me off for 2 weeks.

I'm due back at work tomorrow - I haven't heard ANYTHING from anyone I'm at work with since I went sick - absolutley no, how are you etc (maybe I'm expecting too much?) but it's resulted in me being even more worked up about going back to work.

I don't know what to do I could probably manage financially if I handed my notice in, but that leaves my husband supporting my children (financially) and I would be able to claim carers allowance (although arguably ds is at school for 6 hours a day...)

I'm just so fed up, I'm not depressed (although gp seems to think I am) I just feel so trapped.. I don't want to admit I can't cope with the never ending appointments snd the meltdowns and trying to juggle a house as well as a job but bluntly? I can't but other people cope right? How!!

Fanjo, the only job I've ever done is in mental health (oh the irony) but I was considering maybe a Christmas temp job or something..

It's sad really isn't it.. I'm basically in a domestic violent relationship with my own son being on tip toes to make sure everything is perfect so that he stays calm, and yet well aware that I'm probably going to get attacked at some point.

The guilty side of me feels the need to say here that my son is bloody amazing, he really has had it so hard recently and he's trying his absolutle hardest to control his anger.. Obviously absolutley everything is my fault when he doesn't manage to control it but when everything is right and all his ducks are lined up in a row (literally some Days) he's an absolute pleasure to be the mum of.

Get signed off for longer until you are feeling better, sounds like your GP Is supportive. They will see a lot more people who are carers so will know that you need to keep well or you won't be able to care for your DS. If you are off for a period of time then occ health should get involved when you go back and make it clear you want to return to work but need reduced hours because of your carers role to avoid becoming ill again. They can't discriminate against you for being a carer. You work in the public sector and you are protected well if you co-operate. Join your union if you are not in one. As you don't want to stop work completely, don't let them force you into that position without a fight. Good luck.

I agree that you need to be signed off from work for longer before making any decisions long term about work.

Have you considered a change of school for DS? You say you have 3 meetings a week just to keep him in mainstream, and that you have to spend a considerable amount of time de escalating when he returns home. Is mainstream the right place for him? Specialist provision may improve both his and your lives.

Get signed off for longer, and ask your manager to refer you to occupational health. Talk to them about the adaptations you need to be able to do your job. I think often that managers don't listen to a request to reduce hours but do listen when OH/ HR are recommending it.

Oh no - you sound on the edge of a complete burn out - you need to have some time off

my son is ASD and sounds like yours - sometimes he's an absolute angel, other times i could cheerfully wish it had been picked up in my pregnancy and i had never had him. Thankfully the bad times are really outweighed by the good

I think you need some more support, and if i had to advise (based on what we have read here) you need to go part time, to keep in the loop with grown ups, but also have time to meet people in a similar situation xxx

good luck xx

Truly, ds is in year 4 at the moment and as it stands will be starting at specialist for year 6 - academically he is doing well and so everyone agreed that whilst he's able to be supported in mainstream (he has 25 hours of 1:1 support) it's the best place for him.. But secondary school will be specialist as it currently stands

Stress is usually a trigger for referral to occupational health. You should get signed off and request a referral. Sometimes you can self refer with things such as stress. Dependant on the circumstances you may be covered under DLA (oh will help with this) and as such your employer must do everything within its power to support you otherwise they run the risk of being discriminatory.

Good luck

You have my sympathy, I have been where you are now. I ended up not working for several years as the endless appointments, the constant phonecalls from school for me to "pop in and pick DS1 up" & the complete and utter lack of childcare for him meant I really had no option. I have no family to help out either.

Just out of interest, how old is your DS and how do you manage with school holidays? It was several years ago now, but I never did find anywhere at all he could have been looked after in the holidays.

He's nearly 9 :)

School holidays are.. Fun.. It's usually a mixture of me taking holiday, DH taking holiday - the 6 week holidays are easier as ds's dad has him for 3 consecutive weeks...

Are you in touch with the autism outreach people? They were a lifeline for my dbro

You need more time off sick, you really do. Be kind to yourself.

Hugs

Did your GP not ask to see you at the end of the two weeks? Another who agrees you need more time.
It's not simply 'this is my life, nothing is going to change, so just get on with it' it's also your ability to cope with it and when you are that stressed out and exhausted its really hard. Something needs to give and a few weeks to step back and recharge may help.
Also agree if public sector get OHS involved, they may be able to recommend 'temporary' reduction in hours (I say temporary as friend did this and four years on is still on reduced hours!!). Have you looked into DLA? I assume as you've mentioned carers allowance you have already, it all may help make things but easier for you.
It can be really hard to ask for help, especially if you are the one who is normally looking after everyone else, but sometimes we all need to take a bit extra care of ourselves too. Get ye back to GP!

Yep GP appointment tomorrow before I go
To work..

Ds already gets DLA But thank you.

Thanks to everyone really, I wasn't expecting you to be nice lol you were all meant to tell me to stop
Whinging and get on
With it!

You need to stop getting on with it and whinge more

Ive got a full time very busy job but I dont do 10% of what you have to do every day - and I'm knackered :-)
Seriously - you're not being self indulgent !
I'm sorry i havent got any practical suggestions - but just wanted to give and .

Would going pt help at all? Even temporarily? Time when ds is at school to be you, relax, do jobs that are hard with ds about?

I requested part time and they said they couldn't accomodatr it - but that I could appeal it (if I had time to do an appeal I wouldn't need to be part time!)

Omg woman get signed off for another fortnight! You are so close to a burnout it's not actually real. See them trees? That's the wood!

Ok so you need a plan - and fwiw I totally agree you shouldn't have to give up work - but that doesn't mean you can't change your job...

1. Get signed off
2. In the next 2 weeks, do something that makes you feel better every day: a walk, a bath, a massage, a book, a DVD on the sofa. Simple, cheap, things which will help you reset. Be kind to yourself
3. Escalate things at work. Spk to your manager, speak to HR. Bottom line, it is better for them to redeploy you in the organisation than for you to go off for 6 months with stress and then quit.
4. Investigate respite care or whatever other support you can get for ds.

I've just found out (rang my local autism support place in a bit of a state) that I can swim every day at my local pool with (or without) ds for free! It's a local look after he carer scheme!

Remind me again why I'm spending £20 a WEEK to give him 1:1 swim lessons because no one will have him in a group

Lonny that made me chuckle - thanks :D

I really would consider taking some time out from work if I was you.At least whilst your DS was at school you would have those hours just for you rather than coping with more extreme pressure from work.

You'd get to de- stress in the day you could go swimming,read,meet up with friends,attend the groups you miss because of work,start up a hobby,go for a walk,catch up on some most probably much needed sleep.

And don't feel any guilt about claiming any money or help your offered,you are entitled to it and it's been put in place to help family's that are going through extreme amounts of stress.

I became seriously ill and then disabled 6 years ago,we'd just had our 5DC just a year before.Our youngest DC DD is autistic and has physical disability's and our 3rd born DS is also autistic.

DH had to take leave from his job,a job that he adores because I'm to ill to be on my own.He is now career for myself,DS and DD and looks after our 3 other DC as well.

I hated the thought of claiming anything and so did my DH.I didn't claim any disability for a very long time for myself not until I'd been nagged consistently by DH,my parents and my DR's and friends.

Help is provided for families like yours and mine.No one chooses to have these things happen and you have every right to except everything your entitled to.

Could you apply for job share if you have been turned down for pt. you can make the case they wouldn't loose any staffing hours, greater flexibility with two people clobbering the same job ect. Got to be cheaper than going on long term sick - or go in long term sick then make job share application. If it's NHS there's also occupational health that can make recommendations to line manager. A friend recently went on sick for over a month due to stress the he did graduated reintroduction over a few months - started doing one day for couple of weeks then two ect

Have you asked for Social Services support? You would clearly qualify as DS comes within the category of "children in need" due to his disability. I suggest you contact them urgently and request a core assessment, making it very clear that you are on the point of burnout and that if you don't get help there is a danger that you lose your home (because you may have to stop work) and/or that DS will have to go into care. Yes, I know that's extreme and you don't want to do any of it, but they need to be brought to recognise that urgent help is needed.

SS often refuse requests for assessment on the basis that the child doesn't come within the criteria for their Children with Disabilities team. If they pull that one, point out that their internal criteria are irrelevant and that DS clearly satisfies the criteria in section 17 of the Children Act 1989.

How much support do you get from DSs dad?

I have recently been signed off with stress. I thought it would be two weeks, Im now on week 12!

I needed the break to recharge my batteries and hope to go back this week. Its only now that I realise how ill I had become.

Go back to your Gp and get signed off. You are no use to your dc if you are not fully fit.

You can also get your gp to do you a phased return on less hours for a while.