to turn my phone off until I can get my head around things?

[Helgathehairy]

My 87 year old dad was taken into hospital last Wednesday with a possible stroke. Not all the symptoms matched but it's what mum has been saying because it's what the GP said to her. Dad was very well known and there are a lot of people enquiring about his health.

On Friday we found out it's actually a growth in his brain. Mum and I are due to see the consultant later to get the full information. I'm not expecting it to be good news. People know we're meeting the consultant today and I've already had a few people say that they'd call me to get the results.

I got a shock on Friday when I heard about the growth and ended up bursting into tears when I got home. AIBU to turn off my phone today until I get my head around things?

Yanbu send call s to voicemail and concentrate on you and yours, people are worried and well meaning but they don't need to know every detail of your dads business.

Some people do feed off this sort of thing, so beware.
You're absolutely right to find out what your father and mother want as a first step. This kind of thing is disorientating and the last thing your father needs is to feel more powerless or exposed. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he didn't want you to tell people much at all.

I agree with having some kind of message and round robin. Also, why not ask a relative to be the go to person for messages so that anyone who wants to get in touch is told to ring or email that person?

All the advice given is good but I would just like to say...you could easily be sending MN a message about no one caring...having no one care and getting no messages of support...it is a hard one...had the same when my Dad was critical...worse being a call at 3am (my Mum hysterical..pleading with God) turns out it was his DB who'd just found out...this is never an easy time...but yes, phone on silent and someone else to relay the news...so sorry OP for what you are going through...but lucky that so many people seem to care...

marylou I know we are very lucky everyone cares. My Dads brother and sister died within 3 months of each other 2 years ago and everyone really rallied round. It's a
small tight knit rural community.

Thing is - there really are no other relatives, it's just me. The woman hounding me would be one of the best people to do it!

Her husband is like a son to my Dad so I can't just tell her to back off.

Well as expected the news isn't good. Large brain Timor, Dad too old and frail for surgery, chemo or radiotherapy. We're talking weeks to months.

People are going to be told it was a stroke apparently but I know my mother and she'll start telling people.

So sorry to read that. Hope you're OK. You and your family are the priority x forgot everyone else.

Thanks all.

so sorry

I'm sorry to hear that OP.

I don't mean to overstep here but who's idea was it to tell people it was a stroke ?

This could really backfire, maybe not right now but when he becomes more poorly.

Do what you want to do. I suspect people mean well when they ask, but that doesn't mean you have to take the calls. Do you have caller ID? My iPhone has an option when I get a call to send back an automatic text saying I will call them later. Can you just press that button when it is the particular friend you are avoiding? Ignore missed calls.

I know how it feels to have one's DF desperately ill in hospital. Take care of yourself and your Mum xx

When my father was in hospital, my mother did updates via Facebook doesn't have loads of acquaintances, mainly real friends.

A friend's partner was in hospital and he set up a Facebook group for those interested in the updates.

I believe both those methods cut down significantly on nosy phone calls nobody had time or inclination for.

If you have an iPhone, you can set it to Do Not Disturb. If you put your parents and hospital as favourites, they will still come through, but non-favourite people will go to voicemail.

I hope everything goes well for your father.

Or put basic updates on your voicemail and ignore all phone calls, if you're comfortable doing that.

I'm so sorry. I hope everyone gives you the space you all need to absorb this. If the gossip keeps calling, ask your husband to call her and set her straight. Having a sick father isn't something to gossip about, for god's sake.

I do have an iPhone and didn't know about Do not Disturb. That's helpful thank you.

It was my mums and aunts desicion to say a stroke. I don't agree but i can hardly argue with them. Apparently a stroke isn't as bad. I think they're not willing to admit just how bad it is yet.

Two years ago my uncle and aunt died within 3 months of each other. My fathers sister and brother. I did a lot of arranging things and talking to people and just General co-ordination. I loved them both but there was a slight degree of separation. My husband said to me last night that people were treating me the same now that it's my dad. Like I have the same separation but it's my dad and I don't. He's being brilliant but my mum and aunt aren't treating me like I'm losing my dad.

So sorry about your dad, it's clear how much you love him and how hard this news has hit you.

I think in a situation like this it is perfectly acceptable to draw a line and say "I need time to process this, please leave me alone." If people get arsey about it then they're not much cop anyway, anyone who's worth their salt will just say "I understand, call me when you feel able."

Don't let people turn you into their shoulder for crying on. Losing your dad is extremely difficult and you need as much support as your mum and aunt do.

Would your DH be happy to take on some of the "admin" of dealing with the news?

DH does what he can but he's at work all day and not in a position to take calls constantly. A neighbour dos stop him yesterday while he was driving home so he talked to her.

What overtired said.

So sorry op.

Just say "things are not looking too good, I just need to get my head around things, I don't want to talk about it right now, thanks for your concern" and put down the phone.

I'm sorry about the news about your dad. I hope that people respect your wish for space at such a horrible time.

So just a quick update. Just got a phone call and my mum is in a&e with a broken wrist.

I just want to hide under the duvet but can't obviously.

Oh no. That's awful. It really is so hard when the shocks just keep coming.

You've got various options for getting them some help, if your parents haven't contacted outside agencies already: GP, Macmillan (they've been great for my family), district nurses.

I hope your DD's reflux is better, too. If it comes to it could your DH take compassionate leave for a day, just to help you get stuff sorted out?

so sorry