To tell 3 teenage DCs that I am cancelling their various activities.

[Jynxed]

Have been trying to work out where all our money goes and why we are always in poverty the last week before payday. Added up the cost of all the kids activities and it comes to £350 a month on average! This is for 2 x weekly guitar lessons, a fortnightly piano lesson, fortnightly riding lesson, weekly French tuition, and sporadic driving lesson for the eldest (we have booked 10 but she never seems to be arsed to actually book them).

Have cancelled riding for youngest, guitar for middle one and driving for the eldest, based on which activity each one seemed least interested in. This leaves DS with no activity at all, and DDs having one music lesson each. It also leaves DD1 with extra French tuition which she will need to get through her A level.

Eldest is outraged to lose the driving, DS is complaining bitterly that he loves guitar (despite never picking the bloody thing up between lessons) & youngest is weeping about the riding, although she always moans when it is time to no up yo the stables.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable because it is good for the kids to learn these skills. I think they are not actually learning anything and wasting money we cannot afford.

Am I being mean?

Sorry Op, x post with you there about jobs for teenagers. Plus, am an old gimmer who grew up in pre-recession, pre-minimum wage days. I earned 85p an hour for my first job. Can't get many guitar lessons on that, to be fair!

It seems reasonable enough. My dilemma with my daughter (9), who does ballet and violin, is that she would willingly give them up in favour of lying on her bed watching even more youtube. She enjoys them, but moans so much about all the stuff that goes with it. It's more me who doesn't want her to give things up, though I'm not forcing them on her.

Well done OP, fully support you.

I have a 13 and 15 year old and I have learnt through bitter experience over the years that clubs and activities for mine are a waste of money. They have done everything, cubs, martial arts, football, guitar lessons etc, lose interest and moan about going. They only thing they both stuck at for 2 years was swimming lessons and thats because I made them go, I only let them stop when i thought they were at a reasonable enough level to swim.

This half term they have done nothing, go in the kitchen to get toast and a drink, the bottle is left out, the bread bin left open, the bread on the side... so lazy. They looked after DD for me (she is nearly 2) when i picked DP up from work, so I was out of the house for 10 minutes, and later on they moaned that they had looked after DD "all day".

If times are hard then cutback need to be made. Me an DP both work and we are always skint the week before payday too.

I don't think you're unreasonable. Once we got to a certain age it was made clear that we'd have to earn (even if just by setting the table) any leisure activities.

Yanbu.

I expect dh knows you have done the right thing, but now his house is full of moany teenagers he is complaining at you in the hope you will magically stop any fallout from the decision affecting his peace and quiet.

I didn't have any activities as a teen because my parents couldn't afford them, and although my kids are all small I hope if I found myself in your position I will have the sense to do what you have done. They need to understand these activities are not free and that you and dh have given up a lot so that they could have them.

He really needs a rocket up his backside.

OP - you are that rocket. Why your DH isn't on board is what concerns me. Does he pull his weight at home?

I'm hoping everyone does their share around the house and if not, make it so. Use this as impetus to put this in place.

Let them pick one lesson a month Something they love.

My thoughts would be that driving is a life skill rather than a leisure activity. If you cant afford them I think fair enough cancel them but I think when my children are old enough I will pay for lessons as I think in terms of life and job opportunities it is important. I suppose it depends on where you live too, in some areas driving is needed more than in cities.

My view on riding and I say this with no real experience of it - but I would think it a hobby for the rich. I imagine it is very expensive and probably something best not to start unless you can afford all the kit etc.

I am with you on the music lesson - if they like it and practice try to keep it up if they dont make any effort with it cancel it.

Agree that it is fair to limit lessons where they are not putting the effort in.

Do think you should have let them choose which ones to drop though, rather than choosing for them. And explained the reasoning (i.e. financial not just because they are lazy) a bit more.

Why does DD1 need French lessons? If she's not good at it/finds it hard, then why did she choose to take it for A level? One lesson a week is unlikely to magically make the difference between an A and a B. When I took it the advice was to immerse ourself in it as much as possible, so watching French tv/videos on youtube, reading le monde everyday is much more beneficial than one standard tutoring session, and free!

Driving lessons, on the other hand, are hugely beneficial and will last a lifetime. My friends who didn't learn to drive in their teens found it so much harder to get jobs.

DH doesn't want to cut the lessons because he is softer than me and also pays no account of household finance. He just thinks everything will be alright in the end and I just worry to much. I worry too much because we run out of money before the end of the month, but DH thinks this is normal. He also particularly doesn't want to cut the music lessons because he never had them as a child, taught himself to play the guitar, and hates to deny his son something that matters so much to him.

We have agreed that he has until Xmas to show genuine effort in the music classes, as that is the notice period anyhow, and if DS convinces me in that time that he is working at it he will be allowed to continue.

Driving lessons unfortunately are just too expensive (£34) and will have to stop unless DD pays for them herself or has them for Xmas or birthday presents. Yes, it's a life skill, but not one that absolutely must be acquired in teen years (unlike some others I can think of, like keeping your word when agreeing something!). I am hoping that those of you saying that French lessons will not help are wrong, as increasing a B to an A is exactly what we are trying to do to get into DD's preferred Uni course. She got a high B at AS but lost marks on the oral exam. She needs to improve her speaking and listening so we are paying a native French teacher to focus on that. No extra lessons available at her school, and with a class of 20 precious little individual time at all.

DD2 seems to have got over her disappointment, and even asked if she can miss the last riding lesson currently booked as her friend has invited her to a fireworks party. Enough said!

YANBU

If they are desperate to do these things they will find a way - jobs, birthday/Christmas, sell stuff on ebay, etc. If you witness a sudden dedication to their burgeoning music/riding/driving careers then you could probably revisit things. Until then, don't give it a second thought, and enjoy your new found wealth!

I heard today that you can hire a dual control car from arnold clark or similar for about £9 an hour in Edinburgh she could have one lesson then 2-3 hours at £9 practising then another lesson could dramatically cut costs (obviously either you or DH need to go with her) to operate dual controls

I think french tutor is probably worth it

"based on which activity each one seemed least interested in. This leaves DS with no activity at all"

But no matter how interested he was, his only activity would have to be the one he was least interested in, surely?

Though if he's the guitar player and doesn't practice, he doesn't need lessons. Lessons are to show you what to practice - they are a waste of time if you don't.

I have 4, all grown up, when I look back I feel a bit sick about the money we spent on sport/music/dancing and some tutoring for one of them for an A level, more of a confidence issue than academic need. I haven't heard one of them playing a note in years, sport has carried on but that was the cheapest activity they did. It is hard as we all want to do our best but I think if they want to learn to drive they pay for it, 1 of mine worked when at school and learned to drive the other 3 waited till after school. Have you looked at group lessons for music? Sometimes that can be a good option, if they have an hour could they share the hour?

At the end of the day if you can't afford it don't feel bad about it, we live in hard times for many and as people have said you can learn lots on line now.