To tell 3 teenage DCs that I am cancelling their various activities.

[Jynxed]

Have been trying to work out where all our money goes and why we are always in poverty the last week before payday. Added up the cost of all the kids activities and it comes to £350 a month on average! This is for 2 x weekly guitar lessons, a fortnightly piano lesson, fortnightly riding lesson, weekly French tuition, and sporadic driving lesson for the eldest (we have booked 10 but she never seems to be arsed to actually book them).

Have cancelled riding for youngest, guitar for middle one and driving for the eldest, based on which activity each one seemed least interested in. This leaves DS with no activity at all, and DDs having one music lesson each. It also leaves DD1 with extra French tuition which she will need to get through her A level.

Eldest is outraged to lose the driving, DS is complaining bitterly that he loves guitar (despite never picking the bloody thing up between lessons) & youngest is weeping about the riding, although she always moans when it is time to no up yo the stables.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable because it is good for the kids to learn these skills. I think they are not actually learning anything and wasting money we cannot afford.

Am I being mean?

Pay for one activity each - tutoring as well as needed. Then tell them, they can do an extra activity but it will be there Christmas present.
YANBU by the way, these things cost money, if you can't afford them, they can't have them. It's not a punishment.

bobbyjoe
Have you got teenage kids?

Not unreasonable at all. When I was a (horrible) teen my parents told us that whatever money we wanted/wanted spending on us above the 'norm' of the odd tenner pocket money (after basics, food, clothes, etc) we would have to earn half towards. My sister got a part-time job and did what she wanted wrt going out, driving lessons, extra clothes, etc, whereas I was too lazy and didn't, purely and simply! But I didn't blame my folks at all as i knew it was totally my own choice and that if I wanted it differently there was an option. Definitely pretty fair, imo!

I think you did the right thing op. My ds 16 had drama lessons for 3 years loved them up until the final year then complained every time he went, didn't like the part he had, not happy with yet another musical. So when he left school this summer I stopped his lessons. Which didn't go down very well. It was costing me a lot of money and I was sick of the moaning every week.
Told him he needed to get a job to fund himself now! Good lesson in life.

Yes 13 is the starting age for paper rounds still. DS2 nearly 15 was chomping at the bit to earn some money and put his name down at local newsagents when he was still 12. He got offered a Saturday round at 13 and quickly added a Sunday one when it became free, he also covers for others at weekends and in the holidays, he can't do a weekday term time as he leaves for schools at 7.30 and they aren't allowed to start before 7am.

OP I don't think YABU but maybe a bit of warning so they could at least try and pull their fingers out would have been nice.

Maybe they could have one activity each?

I think it's perfectly acceptable to reassess finances and outgoings. It's a good example to the kids not to be wasteful.

Ignore bobbyjoe, you are perfectly entitled to have three children even if you don't provide every whim, every computer game, every pair of fashionable trainers, every club.

YANBU

We sleepwalked into many activities including music lessons for which no practice was done. There was also the assumption that we were available at the drop of a hat for taxiing to extra events.

If your DCs want to try a variety of things have you/they looked at your local cadet organisations?

DD2(14) went along to air cadets just to try it out and now a few months in absolutely loves it. Because she could read music (there was some benefit to all those music lessons!) she was welcomed into the band and is receiving 1:1 tuition, she has now clocked up he first 30 minutes of flying time and has just completed a two day first aid course.

Adventure scouts and scouts are also v v v cheap but totally enjoyable

I'm so with you jynxed.. I've got ds' also 13 and 15 and they are lazy arsed so and so's.. This half term has been shocking. The 13 yr old has barely got out of bed it seems and they've done the very bare minimum in terms of help and homework. I had a major go at them on Thursday and the internet has been turned off since! The mood I'm in I would be doing exactly the same as you. They want the classes that much, they can earn them.

Good for you op.

I see where you are coming from and don't blame you at all for cancelling the activities. I don't think kids have any idea how much these things really cost and how much they add up.

We've always said to our Dd that we will pay for an activity within reason if she attends every time and practices (if applicable). We ended up stopping her violin classes because she just moaned constantly about the practise.

I think it's really good for kids not to take things for granted. I think I probably would have warned them first but if you think that wouldn't have made any difference then I can totally see why you acted that way.

I think if you need extra French tuition French a level isn't for your daughter. The school should be helping more and advising with this.

Thanks for all the comments.

I have previously warned DS that the lessons would do if he did not practice, so just following through there. Because of the notice period they don't go immediately, and I had not realised about the You Tube options, which is a really good idea. DS has only 1 activity because he doesn't want anything else. To my despair he is unbelievably lazy, does absolutely nothing, including homework. He really needs a rocket up his backside.

Unfortunately as some one has said, paper rounds are done by adults around here. Jobs are very hard to get hold of, and DD1 does try. She works in corporate entertainment, waitressing, but only when they call her. I agree that she should use this money to pay for lessons. We have given her a good start by paying for the first 10, on the basis that she take over from the cleaner who we lost as part of the cost cutting. Needless to say she did not do the cleaning, so now it has to be up to her.

DD2 is the one I feel may be more unfairly treated. She does seem more upset about the riding than I expected giving the moaning whenever time for a lesson comes round and she is more helpful than the other two. However if I am cutting something from DD1 and DS I feel I also need to be consistent to all. There are so many kids already doing the mucking out in exchange for a lesson there is a waiting list. Some stables even charge for this - they call them stable days and you pay to care for the horses for the day! I may try the cleaning option with DD2 and hope it is more successful this time!

Bobby - children are necessarily parasites, albeit ones we welcome. Teenagers are programmed to be selfish and unless we point it out to them and teach them to think of others they will remain that way.

DH and I both work in the NHS and have had no pay rise in years. Meanwhile fuel bills have rocketed, travel costs gone up, water meters arrived, and kids grown into bottomless eaters whose feet go up 2 sizes in one term and require full price adult shoes. What was affordable a couple of years ago is not now. They have had their chance, and where the interests are genuine and effort is employed ( DD1 piano and DD2 guitar) we will keep up the lessons. But we simply have to cut costs somewhere.

YANBU.

I was paying £82 a month for DS activity and he refused to go about a third if the time ( tired/headache/boneinfoot) so eventually I said if you cancel one more time I am cancelling the activity.

So the next time he flailed around on a Saturday morning I cancelled it.

Your eldest DC can pay for their own driving lessons if they are that bothered and obviously you can reinstate your contribution if you can see a commitment.

Personally, I think you'll find that this was one of the best things you've ever done for your children. They need to learn to take responsiblity for thier own actions at their ages and you are helping them immeasurably by doing this.

FWIW I had a weekend job at 13 and have paid my own way pretty much ever since. I learned to balance my own books, save my own money and spend it how I liked. I'm 42 now and have,for all practical purposes, pretty much retired on the basis of the money I've earned myself.

Sorry if I've missed it, but have you actually explained to the DCs that it's a financial decision? The impression I've got is that their attitude wasn't a big problem to you until you crunched the numbers and you've then told them it's because they aren't putting enough effort in. I would tell them the truth and then offer them the chance to earn their own money to part fund it if you can afford it and if their work ethic improves.

Btw I don't necessarily think you've done the wrong thing, but I do think you've gone about it the wrong way maybe.