I give up!

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Aghhhhhh! So my ds had his birthday today. Yet again my dm has went way ott on gifts. I feel like crap as the gifts we got look like nothing next to what she got him.

Have spoke to her a million times about it and she promises every time to cut back. I appreciate what she gives but it's just the sheer volume. Last weekend we visited them and ahe had bought a PS3 for them. There must have been about 40 presents for my 4 year old ds and none of them small gifts. Then she moans all the time she is skint.

Also just found £20 in ds1 pocket that she gave him today too when I asked her not to as she just bought the PS3 and a ton of games. Then moans when they sit and play it at hers.

Sorry for ranting I just can't get across the scale of how bad this is. It's embarrassing. I re gift a lot and ebay a fair amount and put the money into the kids banks. It's just a pressure on us as it feels like our gifts look like nothing compared to hers. It's just too much and she will not stop.

She sat tonight as my mil gave him her gifts them commented it wasn't very much. It was a complete normal amount of gifts. How the heck do I make her stop wasting all this money?

[hollie84]

40 presents is ridiculous though TryHarder - where is the OP supposed to store all this stuff coming in twice a year times by however many children? My house would be swamped.

[IceNoSlice]

As an aside, I have occasionally said to my DM that any bulky presents (particularly plastic noisy ones) should stay at her house as her GCs will need something to play on when they visit gran!

[clairewitchproject]

My mil used to do this, but not on this horrific scale! My dh ended up having a word. He said we didn't want the kids growing up spoiled or expecting massive amounts of gifts. He asked her clearly to buy one or two gifts only. End of the day, these are our kids and we get to dictate how we want them treated, within reason.

[Kundry]

While I think it is a grandparent's job to spoil their GCs, this does seem OTT. It isn't meant to be a competition with the other grandparents, or outdo the parents. Neither should the grandparent then be able to moan about how broke they are.

Can you try leaving stuff at your mum's? Or taking it back with you and accidentally leaving it there?

Maybe if it's her house where you can't move for stuff, she'll calm down a bit. Or not

[Booboostoo]

YANBU. We lived next door to my DM this summer (usually live in another country) and she got DD over 300 presents in four months. This was not even some weird one off due to the proximity, we usually get at least one present a week for DD. I think it's pathological. DM didn't spend time playing with her with all these presents nor did they spend time together picking something special out, she just bought and bought. A year ago when DD was 2yo DM came to visit and reduced her to tears because she had a whole suitcase full of gifts and DD completely overloaded.

If you find some way of stopping this let me know because I have failed so far!

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Wow!!

[Asleeponasunbeam]

You've got some MIL over-sympathisers here, OP.

YANBU. It's ridiculous to give a child that many presents and it's clearly loaded with something - her way of showing you up, or expressing that she thinks you're not getting him enough, or simply trying to win his affection by giving him stuff.

[clairewitchproject]

I watched a Dr Phil years ago (I know, I'm a saddo) where he told a woman who gave over generous presents that this was not a kindness, it was a vanity. That not everything was about her - that in giving big presents she wanted people to think 'oh she is SO generous' etc and that was all about her vanity not the recipient and what they need or want. While that may be a bit harsh I am amazed that there are people on this thread who think a MIL should be able to buy a 4 year old a PS3 and 8 games for no reason at all!! I have 4 kids, the oldest is 13, and we are considering - just considering - getting all 4 a PS3 between them as their main Xmas present! I think the potential pernicious impact of this on the child - developing a careless attitude towards stuff and a huge sense of entitlement - needs to be empahsised. I couldn't tolerate being so massively outdone and against my parenting philosophy like this. Good luck OP!

[PecanNut]

YANBU.

But I wonder if people who buy gifts on this excessive scale might have some psychological problem. Perhaps some emotional hurt or vulnerability that they are trying to soothe. The overbuying is a bit like hoarding, except that you leave all the stuff at someone else's house.

[PacificWerewolf]

Oh, I find myself agreeing with the 'reverse hoarding' description - what some of you are describing goes well beyond 'grandparents spoiling GCs rotten'

I think giving things away is absolutely understandable and the right thing to do.

[Gatehouse77]

I have re-gifted excessive presents too. Or if they were ones I didn't want the kids to have - such as massive plastic toys.

My sister was guilty of overs doing it with mine when they were small and I had a word with her to pull back - I explained it by saying that the kids would come to expect such extravagance and if you're doing this when they're 4 years old how will you keep up as they get older and gifts become more expensive. It makes me think of Dudley Dersley from Harry Potter and his extremely awful behaviour!

My mother said to my grandmother when she began to go down that route, "When the children see you do you want them to look at your face to say hello, or your hand?" A small, but powerful, sentence. It worked. Maybe you could try it in your Mum?