I give up!

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Aghhhhhh! So my ds had his birthday today. Yet again my dm has went way ott on gifts. I feel like crap as the gifts we got look like nothing next to what she got him.

Have spoke to her a million times about it and she promises every time to cut back. I appreciate what she gives but it's just the sheer volume. Last weekend we visited them and ahe had bought a PS3 for them. There must have been about 40 presents for my 4 year old ds and none of them small gifts. Then she moans all the time she is skint.

Also just found £20 in ds1 pocket that she gave him today too when I asked her not to as she just bought the PS3 and a ton of games. Then moans when they sit and play it at hers.

Sorry for ranting I just can't get across the scale of how bad this is. It's embarrassing. I re gift a lot and ebay a fair amount and put the money into the kids banks. It's just a pressure on us as it feels like our gifts look like nothing compared to hers. It's just too much and she will not stop.

She sat tonight as my mil gave him her gifts them commented it wasn't very much. It was a complete normal amount of gifts. How the heck do I make her stop wasting all this money?

[Gatehouse77]

I have re-gifted excessive presents too. Or if they were ones I didn't want the kids to have - such as massive plastic toys.

My sister was guilty of overs doing it with mine when they were small and I had a word with her to pull back - I explained it by saying that the kids would come to expect such extravagance and if you're doing this when they're 4 years old how will you keep up as they get older and gifts become more expensive. It makes me think of Dudley Dersley from Harry Potter and his extremely awful behaviour!

My mother said to my grandmother when she began to go down that route, "When the children see you do you want them to look at your face to say hello, or your hand?" A small, but powerful, sentence. It worked. Maybe you could try it in your Mum?

[PacificWerewolf]

Oh, I find myself agreeing with the 'reverse hoarding' description - what some of you are describing goes well beyond 'grandparents spoiling GCs rotten'

I think giving things away is absolutely understandable and the right thing to do.

[PecanNut]

YANBU.

But I wonder if people who buy gifts on this excessive scale might have some psychological problem. Perhaps some emotional hurt or vulnerability that they are trying to soothe. The overbuying is a bit like hoarding, except that you leave all the stuff at someone else's house.

[clairewitchproject]

I watched a Dr Phil years ago (I know, I'm a saddo) where he told a woman who gave over generous presents that this was not a kindness, it was a vanity. That not everything was about her - that in giving big presents she wanted people to think 'oh she is SO generous' etc and that was all about her vanity not the recipient and what they need or want. While that may be a bit harsh I am amazed that there are people on this thread who think a MIL should be able to buy a 4 year old a PS3 and 8 games for no reason at all!! I have 4 kids, the oldest is 13, and we are considering - just considering - getting all 4 a PS3 between them as their main Xmas present! I think the potential pernicious impact of this on the child - developing a careless attitude towards stuff and a huge sense of entitlement - needs to be empahsised. I couldn't tolerate being so massively outdone and against my parenting philosophy like this. Good luck OP!

[Asleeponasunbeam]

You've got some MIL over-sympathisers here, OP.

YANBU. It's ridiculous to give a child that many presents and it's clearly loaded with something - her way of showing you up, or expressing that she thinks you're not getting him enough, or simply trying to win his affection by giving him stuff.

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Wow!!

[Booboostoo]

YANBU. We lived next door to my DM this summer (usually live in another country) and she got DD over 300 presents in four months. This was not even some weird one off due to the proximity, we usually get at least one present a week for DD. I think it's pathological. DM didn't spend time playing with her with all these presents nor did they spend time together picking something special out, she just bought and bought. A year ago when DD was 2yo DM came to visit and reduced her to tears because she had a whole suitcase full of gifts and DD completely overloaded.

If you find some way of stopping this let me know because I have failed so far!

[Kundry]

While I think it is a grandparent's job to spoil their GCs, this does seem OTT. It isn't meant to be a competition with the other grandparents, or outdo the parents. Neither should the grandparent then be able to moan about how broke they are.

Can you try leaving stuff at your mum's? Or taking it back with you and accidentally leaving it there?

Maybe if it's her house where you can't move for stuff, she'll calm down a bit. Or not

[clairewitchproject]

My mil used to do this, but not on this horrific scale! My dh ended up having a word. He said we didn't want the kids growing up spoiled or expecting massive amounts of gifts. He asked her clearly to buy one or two gifts only. End of the day, these are our kids and we get to dictate how we want them treated, within reason.

[IceNoSlice]

As an aside, I have occasionally said to my DM that any bulky presents (particularly plastic noisy ones) should stay at her house as her GCs will need something to play on when they visit gran!

[hollie84]

40 presents is ridiculous though TryHarder - where is the OP supposed to store all this stuff coming in twice a year times by however many children? My house would be swamped.

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Just to clarify I regift or ebay anything he gets duplicates of as he also had a party and he got lots of stuff my mum had already bought, the money from that goes in his bank which I feel is more sensible than having 6 of the same item.

I really don't know why she does it. She goes overboard with everyone I have often wondered about a shopping addiction. It gets worse every year. It's not just birthdays and xmas it's every time she sees the children there is a expensive item waiting. As I said last week it was a PS3 and 8 games. It worries me how much she spends and that my children don't value the items they get anymore as they know something else will come next week.

No thankfully the comment was not said infront of my mil I would have been mortified.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

MrsMR what's wrong with putting them on ebay?

[fairylightsintheloft]

if not ebay then what? We have 3 sets of grandparents and have to be very very clear about what we'd like them to get or they would all go way over the top, and its not just about "spoiling" your grandkids a bit, its genuine practical issues about space and about their ability at a young age to be able to process the stuff they have or figure out how to play with it. There can also be an issue when they are a bit older if the "best" presents come from the GPs. Depends a lot on the family dynamics but it can be a way of some GP exerting their financial muscle to "buy" their GCs affection and that can cause all sorts of problems. If GPs really feel that spending ££ is the way to go, then maybe they could pay for a day at a theme park or a season ticket to a farm or zoo or something. Less obvious but almost certainly more likely to go down well with the parents, if done in consultation especially.

[redexpat]

Is it her love language? Does she show affection for others by giving gifts?

[Phineyj]

YANBU. It is a mad way to carry on and you are sensible to convert some of it into cash - my friend's PILs do this (they can't afford it either) and last time we visited, when we'd given them our (quite reasonable IMO) presents, the 6 year old said 'is that all' this kind of aggressive materialism does have an effect on DC.

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

Tryharder I don't think the OP is at all out of line to give away some of her DC's FORTY birthday presents. That is a ridiculous number - he can't possibly appreciate or keep track of them all and IMO having that much stuff is potentially harmful for kids so I don't think the OP is making it all about herself either.

Less convinced personally about ebaying them though.

[turningworm]

The gift thing is clearly disproportionate plus I would want control over stuff like a DS3 for a 4 year old. You are quite right to sell them and put the money in the bank. You are not wanting him to have nothing, just a normal amount that doesn't upset the balance between wanting new stuff and appreciation of what you have.

It's ridiculous to say, it's not about you - you are the parent and you need to exercise reasonable control over your DC view of the world.

[Viviennemary]

They are giving your child far far too much. Over 40 presents is way beyond ridiculous. But I don't think you should be putting them on ebay. That isn't right. Why not suggest that your child keeps a four or five items and he can keep the rest at her house. I wouldn't imagine she'd be keen to do that.

[oldgrandmama]

Oh I probably spoil my five grandkids. But so do the other 'grands'. I think OP just has to endure it ... better surely than the sort of grandparent who doesn't give a toss. BUT - for OP's mother to be dismissive about the other grandmother's presents - that's just not on and I hope OP pulled her up on it.

[PacificWerewolf]

Oh, I have given presents my kids got away - usually put them aside on their birthday or at Christmas. If they have not asked for them after a few weeks or months, I make them disappear…

They get toy overload IME.

[Tryharder]

My parents give my DCs expensive e presents at Xmas etc and I am very , very grateful because frankly I cannot afford to do the same.

[Tryharder]

You eBay and give away your own son's presents?

Really?

They are not yours to give away - they are his!

Why would you resent your DC having nice things? Would you prefer he has nothing just so you can feel better about yourself?

It's not about you!

[unlucky83]

When I said something to my mum about something similar - spending a lot of money on my DDs - she said I can afford it, I can't take it with me so they will get it when I'm dead anyway but I would prefer to see them enjoy it'
Which apparently is what her mother used to say to her when we were children.
My biggest gripe now is they (DM and DF) buy big - as in bulky - things ...so I have to dust them and trip over them for about 1yr before they go away...then after another year or so I get rid (they only visit a couple of times a year otherwise I'd do it sooner - and so far they have never asked me where things have gone!).

[PacificWerewolf]

It's a grandparents god-damn duty to totally spoil their grandchildren

Sorry to be flippant.
This is clearly grating on you a lot, but I don't see how you can influence what your MiL does wrt presents. It's not a competition and children do understand that different people behave differently.

I got far more money from my grandparents than I ever got 'regular' pocket money from my parents .

I also think that generally gift giving at birthdays and Christmas has totally gone over the top and I really don't like that, but I don't think that your MiL is at all unique in that respect.