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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sat here holding back tears over a childs birthday party

59 replies

askyfullofstars · 01/11/2014 14:58

DS is 3 almost 4.
He goes to nursery 5 days a week and while he is there, he is so sociable, he plays with everyone and everyone knows him.
However, any time he goes to a party he becomes shy and clingy and wont join in. At all.
Have tried everything. A few of the parties were at soft play and I just put his lack of joining in down to tge fact he doesnt like soft play, he has always been a bit scared of the noise and chaos.
Today he went to a party in a hall, thought this may be different as his best friend from nursery was there, but again, no joining in. Just wanted to play with balloons with daddy, would cry and freeze if you even started to try and join in.
I just dont understand, he is normally so sociable. I feel so sad for him playing by himself at parties Sad

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 01/11/2014 15:26

My twins are just four and are exactly the same. They were even the same at their own party (which they were desperate to have / they love parties despite doing little at them!).

They'll do pass the parcel if I sit behind them on the floor, musical statutes/bumps and similar are too overwhelming, despite playing them at nursery just fine. They love the party tea and cake bit though :)

My advice is to keep taking him, keep encouraging him, keep thanking the hosts, as long as he keeps saying he wants to go. Hold parties for him too, so that you are reciprocating the invitations.

My two always come away saying what a lovely time they've had, despite spending 80% of it stood at the side with their mouths hanging open in stupified wonder.

HexBramble · 01/11/2014 15:27

OP it sounds like you've got one intuitive little chap there. The atmosphere of a party is so different to nursery, even if the attendees are exactly the same. Adults make such an effort for it to be special, so there is an atmosphere of expectancy and everything is hyped up to meet this expectation.

Sounds like your DS is sensitive to this which shows really good awareness, I think.

Bless him - this is totally natural and he's absolutely fine.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 01/11/2014 15:29

Dd1 was like this briefly. I too was a bit worried but she grew out of it and when I spoke to my Mum about it she said I was exactly the same. Only I don't remember as I'm so old now.

TimeWarp · 01/11/2014 15:39

Don't worry about it, DD was just like that and she's fine now (aged nearly 7 yo). Although there are still a couple of soft play places that she doesn't like very much (loudness of the music there, I suspect) so we turn down invites to those places.

Perhaps he would like to sit with you and observe the other children playing for a bit from nearby, maybe wave at them. Sometimes the difference in the type of play can throw their confidence because they don't understand the unspoken rules. But after a few (possibly quite a few) parties he will be more comfortable with the type of more rambunctious play that is acceptable at parties but not in nursery/school.

toothlessoldhag · 01/11/2014 15:58

My DS was just the same. Sat glued to my knee through every party at that age. Don't worry - it's totally normal.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2014 16:01

I just showed this thread to my almost 23yr old son

He said, "OMG that was me at his age, wasn't it?"

The irony is, he's nursing a hangover from the 2 Halloween parties he went to last night, and thoroughly enjoyed Grin

Don't worry about it OP. Your child sounds like about 50% of all the 3 and 4yr olds I've ever met.

peppapigonaloop · 01/11/2014 16:05

My DD is exactly the same, now she is a bit older (5) and parties are drop off she is absolutely fine, but still if I stick around she is very clingy..pretty normal judging by her friends too really wouldvt worry..

BaffledSomeMore · 01/11/2014 16:07

I remember sitting at parties with dd and feeling terrible. I'm pretty sure I posted on here too asking if she'd ever enjoy them.
Her bf is a social butterfly who was always in the centre of things whilst dd watched.
At reception year parties there suddenly seemed to be a little group of shyer children so I got to know a few of the clingees and now they're my friends and the girls charge into parties without a backward glance and the mums have to arrange nights out for a good chat :)

Greyhound · 01/11/2014 16:08

My DS was exactly the same at that age - would just sit on my knee and not join in; he's 12 now and much more sociable Smile

theposterformallyknownas · 01/11/2014 16:09

Ah, he is still little, I wouldn't worry.
Some children are really keen to join in from an early age and others aren't.
He will come into his own when he is ready.

What lovely responses in AIBU, I don't think I've seen this before. Grin Thanks

Your little will be fine OP, having been to tons of parties with my 3 dc and as a past children's entertainer I promise you he is quite normal.

hiccupgirl · 01/11/2014 16:38

My DS is nearly 5 and is just starting to get better at joining in at parties.

I was you this time last year when he went to a friend's party with a children's entertainer and spent the entire time clinging to me and refusing to join in with anything with his friends. I felt everyone thought it was me keeping him on my knee rather than I was desperate for him to join in and he just wouldn't.

He went to a party from school recently and was better. We did have to go outside a couple of times when it was loud and he got overwhelmed but he joined in with a game and ate the food. Plus one of the other school mums was sat outside with us as her DD is exactly the same. Made me feel so much better!

Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2014 16:48

Another person saying it's pretty normal. Don't make a fuss about it, just smile your way through and one day when you least expect it he will be off creating mayhem.

My DS2 has a friend who was exactly the same and I know his mother declined a lot of soft play invites as they were a nightmare for her (she told off on a cargo net once by the staff when she was rescuing her son). Her son is 6 now and after a 5min warm up he's off and is a happy party animal.

Please don't stress about it, parties are forced loud fun and rather overwhelming for lots of people.

Calloh · 01/11/2014 17:04

I totally remembering being exactly the same at parties up until about 6 or 7. I think it really worried my mother as I would cling to her leg all the time, I used to feel sick with anxiety but still felt the party bag made it worth it. I also hated sleepovers. I can promise you that by the time I was a teenager I loved parties far, far too much - and still do (not that I at all think your son will swing to the other end of the scale).

Weirdly none of my children seem to be like this but whenever I have seen any of their friends like it I have only felt sympathy. I can not imagine any parent not inviting a child because they are shy. Don't worry OP, all will be fine!

thobblywighs · 01/11/2014 17:23

Both of mine were like that at his age. They grew out of it. My eldest is in there like a shot these days although his brother still takes a bit of time to warm up. Even when they spent the party stood behind me, the invites kept coming and everyone was sympathetic even when I was ready to take them home and swearing that I would never bring them again. By the time DS2 started the hiding behind me, I just let him get on with it.

Yarp · 01/11/2014 17:31

Think yourself lucky, OP. My PFB had a phobia of balloons. Parties were a nightmare!

Please stop worrying. Worrying never solved anything. Maybe he will grow out of this, maybe he won't ever really enjoy parties. I don't.

There is such a temptation at this age to make comparisons between your own and other, more apparently well adjusted children. Let him be what he will be.

Yarp · 01/11/2014 17:33

Hex, i think you make an excellent point

Purplepoodle · 01/11/2014 17:41

There are kids in my sons yr1 class who would still be like this at parties

Waitingonasunnyday · 01/11/2014 17:44

My eldest was like this too and as everyone else says, don't worry, it's normal! I agree with poster who said get there early on - makes a difference being in a room that fills up, to entering a full room iyswim.

Messygirl · 01/11/2014 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CornishYarg · 01/11/2014 17:57

DS struggles with parties too (and generally struggles socially but that's a different topic). I was feeling sorry for us both when he was glued to me at the last party we went to, thinking he was the only child not enjoying himself. And then I looked around and realised I was far from the only parent in that position! It's easy to be embarrassed and anxious about it and not spot that other children are shy too.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2014 17:58

Mabey he just isent into parties, not all children are. They can be quite scarey for young children. Don't force it, he might like them when he is older.

AlfAlf · 01/11/2014 17:58

My dd3 was exactly like this for a few years. She's fine now, it's hard to get her to leave a party these days!
I used to worry about her shyness and clinginess a bit too (it was so alien to me - her sisters were the complete opposite), but I honestly think it's just a part of who she is. They are all individuals.

BalloonSlayer · 01/11/2014 18:04

2 out of 3 of mine were like this. They all got invited to lots of parties, I was always the last mum who stayed at parties, which I apologised for and tried to help as much as I could. No one ever minded and they grew out of it eventually.

We had a party for one of our DC once where no parents other than us were allowed to stay (rules of the venue). One Mum v. apologetically asked if we could arrange it so she could stay as her DD was so nervous she would never stay at a party unless her Mum was there. We sorted it and the Mum stayed. ff a couple of years and the Mum was waiting outside the school to collect her DD, because the DD didn't want her going into the school! I said "Remember when she wouldn't be left and you thought it would never end!" She laughed and said she wouldn't have believed how much she had changed!

hippoesque · 01/11/2014 18:04

It gets better. They're still at an age where they play along side each other rather than together. First year at school has turned my DS from being exactly like yours to the kid who won't even realise I'm there. Totally get your fears though! You just want your child to enjoy friendships!

KingscoteStaff · 01/11/2014 18:49

My DS's best friend was like this right up until Yr 2/3.

He is now the most gregarious, popular boy in Year 8 - deputy head boy and captain of the debating team.

He always came to parties with either mum or dad, who patiently sat with him and watched the goings on. They'd let him play with balloons and chat about what the other children were doing.