To not have many friends due to the state of my house.

[jenny0000]

I am 40 and poor. Live in a council house which could do with a few thousand pounds spending on it. Most of the rooms have not been decorated for 10 years plus. Sofa old and worn, cups chipped etc.

Me and my husband both work, but due to me having anxiety I can only manage part time. I have very few friends and am not comfortable with nights round the town etc and cannot afford to be a lady who lunches.

Last week I saw an old friend in Tesco. I was so happy to see her and it was like old times. She invited me then and there round to her home for coffee. It was beautiful, like something out of a magazine. I really enjoyed seeing her, but there is no way I could invite her here after seeing her house. It is always the same when I meet people and I we just drift apart as I just cannot have people round here and they think I am being funny.

When DD was small playdates were rare, again for the same reason. I even had one mum stop DD playing with her child as we are a council estate family. When boyfriends are on the scene, I try my best, cook nice food, be polite, but I know she and I are uncomfortable with the state of the house and the location.

I do come from a very MC family and people think I have a few quid when they first meet me or if they know my parents and a few reactions I have had to my house are pure shock when they know my parents live in a very nice part of town in a 5 bed detached. My family dont visit as I think they are embarassed.

Things are not going to change anytime soon unless I win the lottery so how do I get past this? DD is grown and I am on my own a lot. I am so lonely, but so scared to reach out for fear of being judged.

My friend has almost entirely decorated and furnished her council house through Freecycle, eBay and Facebook for hardly any money. She has had half pots of paint, single rolls of wall paper, furniture, baby stuff etc. and it has really helped her. Without the generosity of strangers (and friends) she would have very little in the way of home comforts, being on her own, low income and two small children. It is possible to make a home nice with very little money.

OP you sound very down.

I honestly don't think it matters to people what your house looks like, as long as it's clean. DS has a friend whose house is so cluttered and filthy that I don't even want to sit down in it (and my house is no palace believe me).

Try to de-clutter a bit, keep it tidy, make sure you keep it clean, dusted and hoovered; clean the windows inside and out. Wash curtains and cushion covers if you can. Open the windows every day so it smells fresh (don't bother with false-smelling air fresheners).

Lick of paint and free cycle?

If anyone judges you over your house then they are not worth bothering with in the first place. Keep what you have as nice/clean as you can and thn bugger anyone shallow and stupid enough to judge.

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First, you need to cultivate some friendships! Meet people for a coffee or a drink. Doesn't have to be anywhere expensive or to eat. People generally buy their own anyway .

Or meet a friend for a walk. I have a dog and walk each day - I often text a friend to join me. People really enjoy it.

Second, you need to tart up your home for you never mind for guests.

Growing up we lived in some grim places. Really grim. And it often got my Mum down. But she became the Queen of 'tarting up' - her term for cheering up a dreadful place on fuck all money.

Kitchen - pain the cupboards, paint the tiles, keep the windows clean and grow herbs on the window ledges. If you have a knackered table get a bright oil cloth - they sell it cheap and by the metre.
Plonk a ham jar of flowers on it!

Sitting room - cover stained carpets with cheap rugs. Ditto sofas and chairs with throws and cushions. Get lots of pics up!

You absolutely can get the council to sort the damp. Your house will need a proper damp proof course which they won't want to pay for, but they have to. Agree, you need to get your MP onside.
Also, if you could manage it, regarding the kitchen; you can get really cheap replacement doors, for example. Also, vinyl is pretty cheap to replace. I know the council ought to be doing it, but if it were me I might just do it myself. If you have a credit union in your area you can get a small loan.
I just think that your surrounding s do really affect how you feel in yourself and it would make you feel better to brighten up your house. As for council house snobbery, you don't want people In your life who care about that sort of thing. Stuff em.

"Re: the damp was told to open windows not dry washing indoors."

They are spot on with this. Drying washing indoors with closed windows will cause damp and mould because there is nowhere for the damp to go to. So it condenses on the walls/ceilings and mould develops.

Can you put a clothes airer with the damp clothes on it in one of the bedrooms and leave the window open, but close the door so the cold stays in the bedroom?

There have been a few threads recently about damp and mould in homes, and all the problems are always caused by not enough ventilation.

As for being judged, people who judge your house aren't worth having as friends. My best friend lives in a house that needs a lot of money spending on it,but she is lovely and kind and generous. I am friends with her not her house.

Have you ever invited anyone back or are you just assuming that people will be put off? I only ask because a group of us would meet for coffee on a regular basis and I once asked one of the others why one member of our group never had anyone back to her house. The general consensus was because she couldn't be bothered, so it might be that other people are just wondering why you haven't reciprocated an invitation.

I sympathise, OP. We bought our house two years ago but spent almost all our savings on the deposit and fees so we had very little to spend on making it nice, and it was very old fashioned and run down. Nothing had been touched since the 1980s at least, I'd say. For a while I despaired at the state of it, but it was a bargain and was much bigger than similarly-priced houses because it needed a bit of work.

We saved thousands of pounds by going to B&Q classes and learning to do stuff ourselves. I think they were about £10 each then, now I think they might be free if you're a B&Q club member. We also bought a Reader's Digest DIY book with lots of step by step instructions and illustrations. I learned to hang wallpaper, my husband learned to do basic plumbing, lay a laminate floor, do tiling, patch plastering etc. I bought white trade emulsion and painted every room white, so at least it looked clean, and did feature walls in a couple of rooms with wallpaper I found on sale for next to nothing. We bought solid wood flooring for the living and dining rooms on a 0% credit card (and paid it off asap before we started paying interest) and installed it ourselves - it took two whole weekends but looks beautiful. I stalked Gumtree, Facebook, Ebay etc for pictures, rugs and other accessories. The kitchen was terrible but I found some used cupboard doors on ebay, took one to B&Q to match up the paint for the kickboards etc and bought some nice handles also from Ebay. My husband re-tiled it with cheap subway tile and laid a cheap laminate floor from Ikea and I wallpapered one wall. Our kitchen got a total makeover for about £150 and looked 100% better for it. I obsessed over Pinterest for ideas. Gradually we made it nice despite having very little money.

My husband learned so much from doing little jobs that he managed to completely renovate the upstairs bathroom including all the plumbing, tiling, flooring and a bit of stud work (although we did pay an electrician to put in a new shower) and I am really quite proud of him.

We had an absolutely hideous shower room downstairs, a wet room with an uncleanable hospital-style floor, lots of exposed rusty pipework and an open drain in the middle that constantly stank of dirty drain. I was embarrassed by it and we couldn't afford to do anything with it as it needed major work by professionals, but when I had friends round I tried not to apologise for it and instead made a joke of it and nobody really ever thought anything of it. I papered the terrible sliding door with a roll of wallpaper in a big geometric print I found on sale for £2.50. We have only just after over two years managed to cobble together the money to have it professionally renovated and it looks gorgeous but we made the best of it by keeping it scrupulously clean and using scented candles.

In the middle of all this, we still had friends round. They understood that we were making improvements as and when we could afford them and I honestly don't think anyone judged us for not living in a perfect show home. If anything, I beat myself up for not having as nice a house as other people, but I did get a huge sense of satisfaction from doing things myself and using what little money I had to best effect.

It definitely can be done even if you have little or no expertise and very little money - it just takes a bit of hard work and a few bright ideas. Not counting the bathrooms and wood flooring we really spent very little but our house is definitely a home now and I am so pleased with what we've managed to do. It will never be a show home but it's quirky and comfortable and clean, and we are happy here.

Ooo I love decorating! I don't suppose you live in Southampton? I'd be happy to help you and teach you how at the same time.

Hugs OP. It does sound like you're in a bit of a vicious cycle. Real friends won't care if your house is shabby. Some of the houses where I have been made to feel most welcome are the ones that look like they are either going to fall down, or burst at the seams As an only child, there were a few friend's houses I used to particularly relish- in one family there were six kids, nailpolish all over the doors, and any passing child was just sort of included included in the herd...and you could bounce on the sofas.

Anyway, I digress. I live in a little house, it's private rent and we don't have much money, but I think we have it 'sitting nicely', as my granny would say. Cheap throws, cushions, candles, things made out of driftwood, bookcases, a few nice odds and ends. We even picked up a tall corner cabinet thing at the charity shops, for seven quid. It's lovely dark wood, but the top bit is all mirrored glass- we took out the little shelves, have filled it with books and a model ship, and it reflects the light. It's the sort of thing you might think 'oooh, bit old fashioned', but with one or two tweaks, it really sets the room off.

We also have the most beautiful Indian rag rugs from ebay- all different sizes. little ones are about a tenner, and the huge one in our living room was thirty quid. Might not be your cup of tea, but have a look. You can get really good sofa covers etc on ebay too.

Rugs- www.ebay.co.uk/itm/FAIR-TRADE-RAG-RUG-HAND-LOOMED-SHABBY-CHIC-INDIAN-RECYCLED-COTTON-MULTI-COLOURS-/151010667851?pt=UK_Home_Garden_Rugs_Runners_Mats&var=&hash=item2328efed4b

Everything in our house is second hand, charity shop, ebay. Even the curtains :) If you are into one of those all-white marble topped show homes, it probably does look small and shabby, but we don't care. It's warm and cosy and it is full of things we like.

Are you in England? Have you asked the council about the Decent Homes Standard and when your home is scheduled to meet it?

I agree with the poster who said pick a room to do up and slowly do it. It will make you feel much much better. It sounds like you are stuck in a mental rut about this and taking action will make the WORLD of difference.

Also...ppl are v v superficial if they judge you in that way....so...who cares what they think.

Why don't you move to a smaller place.

If you have a 3 bedroom for example, then you don't need the 3 bedroom so why not try to have a exchange to a 2 bedroom.

Smaller house will be more manageable.

There are some lovely ideas to improve your home cheaply.

However do you really have to have people to your home? I never do as my house has been undergoing refurbishment forever and is always covered in muck and dust. I am also out in the sticks so I don't invite people over but still have an active social life, just meeting a friend for coffee somewhere or even a walk. Unless they live on your doorstep, no one would think it odd they hadn't been invited over as long as you are friendly and suggest meeting up yourself.

OP, if your kitchen and bathroom is that old, the council absolutely do need to do something about it. From what I gather, you have to bitch at them a good deal sometimes, but they should do it. If you kick up a fuss and threaten our council with taking your story to the local paper (complete with sadface) they tend to shit a brick, and before you know it, you've got a new bathroom.

I know you don't have much money, but you can also get kitchens/bathrooms for second hand. My SIL lives in a council house, and her kitchen was fine, she just didn't like it. So she bought a second hand kitchen off some woman who was also doing a revamp, and got a bloke with a van to collect it and put it all together. It was just the cupboards, her white goods were fine, so it wasn't like anything too complicated needed done. Anyway, it looked lovely and only cost her something like 300 quid.

Blokes with vans are also very useful, because they know other blokes who do different things with vans. SIL cultivated her acquaintance with BWV and consequently he gave her the number of another BWV who had a load of incredibly cheap kitchen tiles, which put in for her. So SIL had a new floor as well.

I could probably get the sludge brown carpet in our living room ripped up & a proper wooden floor put down for about 150-200 quid, due to my own Bloke With Van. However I just don't want to spend it on a privately rented house, we've got a pretty secure tenancy, and will probably be here for years yet, but you never know do you

Bunbaker, sometimes damp has nowt to do with ventilation, and is coming through the walls from outside. We had a flat like that where one wall kept growing mold. It needed damp proofing according to a builder friend I asked but the landlord wouldn't pay for it, and kept saying it was from drying washing.

Of course you are right IfNot

I was thinking about a thread recently where the cause of damp was trying to dry laundry in an unventilated house.

There was a beginners guide to emulsioning a room on here a week or so ago. I know I posted on it.
However it does sound like you do feel trapped in a cycle of shame about your house and what you perceive are its effects on you socially.

If you really can't face hassling the Council into sorting it then I wonder as a pp said could you downsize and get somewhere more mon? Although that depends on what's available.
Presumably though your lounge would be improved fairly easily and the mug situation can be fixed for practically no effort. Start with one or two steps. It is too daunting to think of it all in one go.

Mon? Modern.

You should just invite your friend from Tesco round! If she is really nice she won't care about the house. If she judges you and doesn't want to see you again, you haven't lost anything. And she is highly unlikely to judge your house as harshly as you are judging it yourself. I am a worrier too, but I know rationally I spend way more time worrying about what people think than they actually spend thinking anything negative.

I am embarrassed about my house's orange tiled floor throughout, maroon and pink peeling mouldy 70's bathroom, and tiny sofa bed accommodation for overnight guests. But I still invite my friends to say precisely because I'd never see them enough if I didn't (live abroad). All of them have nicer homes than me and I am jealous of that. But they don't seem to be put off by coming over, they cone to see me not to admire a show-home.

I know its easy to say, but hope you find a way to calm your worries and go for it.

Aw babes I would be your friend!!!

My best friend I have seen every single week for 20 years has a problem with hoarding and I have gently offered to help her clear up it never pressures.

It just happens now that she comes to my house every week for a day and I feed and lion after her ( she's 54!)

Friendship is never based on your home and circumstances. Rack your brains for a way you can build friendships and Confide your worry.

Or come and see me!!!

OP, if I were your friend (the one who invited you round for coffee), I'd feel very sad that the thought of me seeing your house was putting you off another catchup. I like my friends for who they are, not where they live.

I've lived in some gorgeous houses (out of magazine types) and some far less so (damp, rickety old furniture, very bizarre plumbing, threadbare carpet where there was some, floorboards where there wasn't) - and I still had friends drop in. I made the best of the worst places with second hand throws (you can hang them on the walls of they're brightly coloured as well as drape over sofas and chairs), scented candles, a good sense of humour and the ability to bake in the most basic (but clean) kitchen.

Declutter one room at a time and clean thoroughly as you go. Light some candles in the worst smelling musty rooms (DB had a basement flat riddled with damp - smelled of gorgeous candle all the time!). Painting is easy if you're allowed to - it doesn't have to be Farrow & Ball, freecycle / ebay / B&Q bank holiday sale cans mostly reasonably priced.

You can make it a homely welcoming place but it does take effort which is difficult with anxiety. Try not to see it as "all at once" because you'll feel defeated before you even start. Pick one room, make it a lovely place to be - and then when you've made the other rooms a mess in the process of fixing them, you'll still have a calm place to relax.

Actually if I were your friend not only would I want you to tell me - I'd want to help you! I adore redoing other people's houses (just hate doing my own!)