To not have many friends due to the state of my house.

[jenny0000]

I am 40 and poor. Live in a council house which could do with a few thousand pounds spending on it. Most of the rooms have not been decorated for 10 years plus. Sofa old and worn, cups chipped etc.

Me and my husband both work, but due to me having anxiety I can only manage part time. I have very few friends and am not comfortable with nights round the town etc and cannot afford to be a lady who lunches.

Last week I saw an old friend in Tesco. I was so happy to see her and it was like old times. She invited me then and there round to her home for coffee. It was beautiful, like something out of a magazine. I really enjoyed seeing her, but there is no way I could invite her here after seeing her house. It is always the same when I meet people and I we just drift apart as I just cannot have people round here and they think I am being funny.

When DD was small playdates were rare, again for the same reason. I even had one mum stop DD playing with her child as we are a council estate family. When boyfriends are on the scene, I try my best, cook nice food, be polite, but I know she and I are uncomfortable with the state of the house and the location.

I do come from a very MC family and people think I have a few quid when they first meet me or if they know my parents and a few reactions I have had to my house are pure shock when they know my parents live in a very nice part of town in a 5 bed detached. My family dont visit as I think they are embarassed.

Things are not going to change anytime soon unless I win the lottery so how do I get past this? DD is grown and I am on my own a lot. I am so lonely, but so scared to reach out for fear of being judged.

[longtallsally2]

Sorry, just seen your update. Agree totally - my neighbour has a terrible problem with damp and it is disheartening as it comes through the repainted walls so quickly. She's settled for lots of indoor trailing plants - ivy is great for bushing out and covering the worst patches.

[Custardo]

as long as its clean - thats the important thing. if its clean, invite people round, if they dont come back or contact you there are a couple of things to consider

1. you are in the same friendless position - but you tried, pat yourself on the back
   
2. they are shallow fuckers undeserving of your awesomeness

[drudgetrudy]

If your partner won't help don't allow him to stop ypu from making a few changes! I also know the feeling re not having decorated for a long time but nice throws cushions, mugs etc make a big difference-focus on what you CAN do

[Hairtodaygonetomorrow]

The biggest problem here is the damp, that is a health hazard and not just about appearances. Have you pestered and pestered them about having this assessed? When are they going to redo the bathrooms? Or do you own the house?

[Custardo]

does it belong to council or private landlord?

[vodkaice]

OP I totally get where you are coming from. I haven't had anyone come over to my council flat in years, partly due to the state of it but partly because none of them live in council housing. People do judge - not even always in a negative way (sometimes it's more pity, which is worse), but it changes their perception of you when they realise you live in council housing.

I am really lucky and my council is refurbishing my kitchen and bathroom next year. It's shocking that yours are over 30 years old, even mine isn't that old but the council are still replace it. Damp is an issue that the council should be addressing - you must get in touch with them, and push it with your MP if necessary. It will make your health worse if you leave it.

I hope you are getting support with your anxiety. I also have MH problems which affect my ability to work, and one thing that really helps is getting DLA (or PIP now) which has helped pay for things like minor redecorating which I can't manage on my own. It means I can afford to meet friends for coffee outside of my home too, so I can still have a bit of a social life. It is miserable not having enough money to maintain your home but if it's down to your disability then there is help out there.

[3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole]

I don't invite people round much

Our house was decorated in the last two years but with three dc and us both working it gets cluttered and messy

It's an ongoing battle for me

[Aeroflotgirl]

Oh op some great suggestions here. No you are not your house, you are yourself and your house does not reflect that, tge right friends will see that! Invite them round, if after that they make excuses not to see you, you have your answer. It's a shame your parents feel like that, I am sorry they should dig their hands in their big pickets and help you make your home nice. I woukd help my dc in anyway I could.

[Margaritte]

OP- we moved out of our council property last year (various different reasons) I really didn't like it. The street was run down in general and the council were rubbish at repairs (think leaking window/ holes in wall/ mould in bathroom etc)

I decided one day to just try and do it the best we could. I bought discounted paint(tin was bashed) so colour was limited and gave the kitchen new colour (was a loud colour!)

I got given a book case and put that in the kitchen with a teapot from the charity shop & lots of little coloured teacups. Then I gave the kitchen a thorough cleaning. Made it look much better.

Then I bought floor slab things from the £ shop for the toilet & bathroom. And painted that with spare paint from a neighbour.

Gradually the rest of the place got down with free / secondhand things.
Honestly I know its hard, as it feels as though its all on 'the surfice' (ie still underlying problems with house) It did make me feel slightly better though.

Is there anyway you could get some photos up so we can have a look and see what may help? Sometimes it difficult to see when you're in the midst of it.

[Chippednailvarnish]

I grew up in a council house and due to my DM's pushing went to school in an extremely affluent area.

I have never had anyone comment or stop being a friend due to where I lived or the fact it was a council house. If people are "shocked" by the condition of your house, it's probably either that it's unclean or you are projecting what you feel about your home.

You are more than capable of decorating, relying on your DH if he works full time is a bit unfair. You tube has loads of instructional stuff on decorating, libraries also have whole sections on interior design and decorating.
I'm guessing the biggest barrier to your friendships is your anxiety about what you think other people think.

[SaucyJackOLantern]

I understand OP. We don't have people round either as we're too embarrassed. We have decorated some of our flat, but we also need a new kitchen and bathroom and these are things that can't be sorted with a lick of cheap paint.

I second what other posters have said about buying a few accessories tho. A couple of nice prints on the wall or scatter cushions can really lift a room- and you can buy these for a few quid. It's worth trying to tart the lounge up a bit for your own sake- it's beyond depressing spending your time sitting in a room you hate.

[jenny0000]

Its a council house. Whole house needs new windows, new bathroom/ kitchen and the bathroom especially causes issues. I am not "urgent need" and my cupboards/bath are functional and was told thats all they need to be. Re: the damp was told to open windows not dry washing indoors.

I was told "off the record" that there is no bathroom/kitchen replacement program and they are only done when people flood or trash the place.

[Pointlessfan]

Wilkos do cheap paint rollers, brushes etc.

[BlueBrightBlue]

I am currently working in council homes.
The tenant's are getting new wiring, bathrooms and kitchens; all top spec.
You would not believe have ungrateful some of them are.
Shame you do not live in such a property.

[Margaritte]

Threads moved on quite a bit whilst I posted
What a lovely thing SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit said. Very true too

[3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole]

If I was told that I might accidentally break things

[jellyandbeans]

My dear Mum had a saying ' i've come to visit the person not the home' if people judge you for where you live they are not worth it. I am sure they arnt to be honest in your case. I do understand though. Take care

[Custardo]

there will be a replacement programme - i think the government state that it should be either 20 or 30 years old. you should ring and ask for details about the planned maintenance programme for your home.

[Custardo]

what council is it?

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

You sound in a cycle of despair and that's dragging you down, but seriously you can improve your life, you really can.

You have to either decide not to care, or decide to do something about it
Without a sudden, unexpected improvement plan by the Council or a lottery win, you have to see what small steps you can make, do one a week and target one room at a time starting with how it would impact people visiting.

Is your house tidy? if not it's hard to see the wood for the trees. If it's untidy it's harder to clean.
DD is grown so enlist her help as well. The least that will happen is that you'll have nicer surroundings for yourself.

Is it really the case that family and friends won't visit because of the surroundings or do you think, and I mean this to be helpful not unkind, are you giving off defeatist vibes which in all honestly can be very waring for people. DH also sounds totally defeatist, most of your posts read like you're a single parent apart from one where he does nothing because he'd only make a mess. Well, we can't all be good at DIY but we can learn and we can carry out some simple tasks to make an effort.

Lots of good advice up above, just try and make a start and take baby steps, then you'll soon start to feel more upbeat about the things that you can change and just generally brighter in yourself.

[PrimalLass]

I just would not have a clue where to start with decorating.

Thant's what Google is for. Honestly, when we started we would have our 'Reader's Digest DIY' book open at the page and read it as we went along.

[Hairtodaygonetomorrow]

I think that even though the council might not have an improvement planned for this second, they can't leave a property damp. They simply can't. You should contact the housing officer of the council, MP, anyone that will listen and write what you have here- that the kitchen and bathroom haven't been replaced for 30 years and the damp is horrendous. You can get an environmental health officer out as well.

I don't think it is as simple as just sitting in it, very few council properties haven't been refurbished since the 80's- I know as I live on an estate and while some of them aren't really up to date, they are not damp or too embarrassing to go in.

I agree with everyone else about changing just one room, I would make it the living room- a throw over yukky sofa, cheap rug, wash curtains, hoover floor, and get some non-chipped mugs (that bit is very cheap) and you really can have people over- they are not going to inspect the kitchen and the only thing I care about in the bathroom is is the loo clean!

By the way I live on a council estate and I know they differ in how they are regarded but I hope no-one thinks like this about me- we have friends over a lot, the children play out together a lot, I think some of this is projection to be honest and about your anxiety rather than the objective state of your house.

[CerealMom]

Can you tackle or have friends/relations that could have a look at the damp for you?

1. Drying washing indoors. You have to open windows. All that water has to go somewhere and it causes mold. Spin dryers are amazing and won't cost like a tumble dryer.
   

1. Guttering - do you think they need cleaning or have any come away from their clips or sections come apart. All are simple fixes which can stop water running down the outside and causing damp patches.
   

Yes, the council should repair these but doing simple DIY will save time and your sanity by not hanging on listening to bad 'on hold' music.


www.communityrepaint.org.uk/
fortikur.com/ideas-for-painting-wood-furniture/painting-wood-furniture-chuby-before-after/

Even unloved cheap charity shop finds can be transformed.

Get yourself over to the property/DIY section. We love a do-er upper thread :-)

As long as your loo and cups were clean, I'd pop over for a brew and chin wag.

[PrimalLass]

Also, keep an eye out on Gumtree, Facebay (for your area) etc for freebies. There is someone giving away a leather sofa on our Facebay today.

[MrsPiggie]

I don't judge friends who live in a council house, but I do judge them when they can't be bothered to give the walls a lick of paint. It takes half a day and £20 to paint a room, less if you get the paint from discount stores or freecycle and the roller and brushes from the pound shop. Unless you're disabled or working all hours of the day there's no reason why you couldn't do some basic diy. Heck, we've redecorated a whole flat including some plastering and laying wooden floors whilst both of us working ft and having 2 young children.