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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want mothers/fathers/siblings to stay with their children at Dd's party

75 replies

PumpkinPaye · 01/11/2014 12:18

Does anyone else get annoyed by this?

I'm having Dd's (7) party at home soon and one mother has already invited herself and her toddler to the party that her daughter is invited to, which I'm pissed off about. I didn't even get a chance to say no. We have hardly any space, and she can be quite "into" everything and tbh I just really don't like the woman.

I've organised loads of activities for the children and I really won't have time to be entertaining her too, and I know if I ignore her, she'll make a sarky/jokey comment like "you've forgotten me"...she makes "jokes" like this all the time. Also, I've noticed she has a new bf and he seems to tag along to all the birthday parties so I have a feeling she'll be bringing him too. I don't want a virtual stranger at my Dd's party in our home!

Is there any subtle way I could hint that I really don't expect parents and siblings to stay? Or will that be rude and should I just stay quiet and be accommodating and quietly seethe.

OP posts:

OiGiveItBack · 01/11/2014 13:53

Lots of great suggestions here....but I have a feeling that the pushy Mum will end up at the party.

FunkyBoldRibena · 01/11/2014 13:56

"oh I bet you're inviting x's mum too and you'll be ignoring me to talk to her"

'No, no other parents are coming. Neither are any other siblings. Because they haven't been invited. Much like yourself'.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2014 14:01

Just text her saying due to space, ALL parents are to drop their dc off and come back at X time to collect their dc.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/11/2014 14:02

Be brave and tell her!, come on kid don't be a walkover.

DaisyFlowerChain · 01/11/2014 14:11

This is why I prefer to book private parties at venues and put no siblings, some people do truly take advantage. Unfair on the birthday child too to have to put up with univited guests crashing the party.

Just text and tell her, maybe she'll learn then how wrong she is.

Vycount · 01/11/2014 14:16

What have you got to lose? You don't like her anyway. A text that says "I think there's been a misunderstanding. I am not inviting any parents to the party so please don't plan to stay. I hope that your DD will still be able to come, but of course understand if this changes that."

londonrach · 01/11/2014 14:20

Just text her and sorry been a misunderstanding no patents/ siblings due to space.

KatieKaye · 01/11/2014 14:26

But it wasn't a misunderstanding!!

If your DD gets an invite to a party it is not possible to interpret that as an invitation for you and toddler to also attend. How can you misunderstand that?

Rude Mum decided she was coming and told OP. No misunderstanding - just very rude.

Floggingmolly · 01/11/2014 14:34

How can fully grown adults be such pushovers? Op, does she ever "tell" you she's coming round for coffee with her toddler; and how do you react if she does (or threatens to invade your space uninvited in other ways?)
Why is this situation any different??

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 01/11/2014 15:22

The misunderstanding happened when the op has a chance to clarify the situation and didn't.
Woman has a brass neck and is mentioning it again so you feel bad don't spoil her plans. I suspect she has done this in the past. No need for you to feel guilty. She sounds exhausting.

KatieKaye · 01/11/2014 15:42

*The misunderstanding happened when the op has a chance to clarify the situation and didn't."

that is stretching things to infinity and beyond plus it is putting the blame for the situation onto OP. Rude Mum decided she was coming - she didn't misunderstand. OP didn't correct her at the time, but that is not the same as misunderstanding.

LilyPotter · 01/11/2014 15:50

I would say that rude Mum knew perfectly well you didn't want her to come, which was why she seems to have gone out of her way to ram home several times the fact that she'll be there.

VileStatistyx · 01/11/2014 15:50

but the whole 'sorry there's been a misunderstanding..' thing is just part of the social dance.

It doesn't actually mean there has been an actual and real misunderstanding. It's just a way of making sure someone understands what is going to happen in a way that allows them to save face and is less likely to result in conflict.

Have you never said things like oh gosh I am so sorry, I obviously wasn't clear at all, I really didn't mean X, it's actually Y...

when in reality you absolutely were clear and what you are REALLY doing is saying to the other person "hey buddy, I've got your measure, and don't you bloody DARE"

everyone knows it's code, it's just one of those little weird social rule things that you follow to play the game.

I mean, you can say hold on there, you are taking the piss, hell no
and have ww3
or you can do that people thing that is so important to most people (since we have to live together in cooperative groups )and go down the oh dear what a misunderstanding let me clarify... route.

VileStatistyx · 01/11/2014 15:53

oh, and yeah, it's weird and it's stupid but that's true of about 80% of human interactions but we are governed by all these rules and moves and displays.

It could be worse though. There are other types of primate who get along socially by showing their arses to one another, so count your blessings, really...

Oblomov · 01/11/2014 15:59

Has op stopped being a victim?
Has the text been sent?

stop the bullshit op and just tell us that you've sent it.

KatieKaye · 01/11/2014 16:03

Of course it's a social convention - but as Rude Mum has ignored all of those by thrusting her unwelcome presence on the party along with unwanted toddler guest then to say "there has been a misunderstanding" could very well only serve to reinforce her mistaken belief that there was some form of implied invitation extended in the first place.

She has the hide of a rhinocerous judging by her remarks to OP, so sugar coating the pill will only serve to give her room to try to force herself in to the party.

the rules of normal engagement were broken when Rude Mum told OP she was coming. That isn't co-operative behaviour by any stretch of the imagination.

I just reckon that if she isn't given it straight and to the point Rude Mum will try to steamroller over OP and use any excuse to do so.

Most people try to be courteous and considerate of others. But sometimes tact can be misplaced and work against you. I suspect this is one of those occasions and saying she "misunderstood" rather than that she is not invited is playing into her hands

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/11/2014 16:15

Come on Pumpkin, be brave and tell this brazen woman that she isn't coming.

Hi Brazen, Pumpkin here. Just texting to clarify arrangements for dd's party as you have the wrong impression. I don't expect or want any parents or siblings to stay during the party, I've got it covered thanks. It's drop and run by all parents and pick up is at 5, if this causes you difficulty and you can't bring mini Brazen let me know in advance that you can't make it. Thanks.

You have to be blunt with her.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 01/11/2014 16:24

It may be kind to suggest there has been a misunderstanding. It sounds here like the uninvited mum is self centred, presumptuous and thick skinned. As rude as she's been, the op hasn't disagreed with her.

Nerf · 01/11/2014 16:25

Hello all, have had to rethink dd's party - anyone planning on staying i'm really sorry but there's no space. Please just drop and collect and leave a number I can reach you on.

MollyHooper · 01/11/2014 16:26

Jeez Oblomov, there's no need for that.

Some people just find it hard to be assertive, especially when faced with people like GateCrashingMum. It's much easier said than done.

Pumpkin, just tell her that you are asking all the parents to drop the children off due to lack of space. See what happens after that.

theposterformallyknownas · 01/11/2014 16:28

Just tell her no, you have no room and if she stays others will want to.
Did you put it on the invites, this usually stops most of them before they start with the sibling and them staying.
You have to grow some hair OP, as unless you learn to say no you will be walked over by everyone.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2014 16:33

I agree to text her that there was a misunderstanding and that you are sorry but there is not room for parents/siblings.

It's a bit funny, really. When mine were young the last thing we wanted to do was hang out at a kid's party. We all thought of it as free babysitting and a chance to relax/catch up on other things/one on one time with a sibling.

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2014 16:34

She's been making "jokes" ever since, like "oh I bet you're inviting x's mum too and you'll be ignoring me to talk to her"...

Perfect opportunity to say, 'Actually, no. I don't need any adults at the party so thanks for your offer but I won't be needing you to stay and all the activities are for 7 year-olds which is why I haven't invited any siblings either.'

AlpacaYourThings · 01/11/2014 16:40

Yes, Nerf's message is good. Clear and concise.

LilyPotter · 01/11/2014 17:47

When is this party? You said "soon," which I somehow computed to mean this afternoon. Dunno why.

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