To knowingly become a single parent?

[checkedblackandwhite]

I know drip feeding can be irritating and I will try not to do that. Here is my situation. I am 34 and I am single. While I haven't entirely given up hope of meeting someone I want to spend the rest of my life with I am not necessarily expecting this to happen. (Just to preempt any further questioning, I have tried the 'usual' methods of online dating, hobbies and so on, but most men and people for that matter I do meet are already married.)

I am fairly sure I want to experience motherhood though. I am a deputy headteacher of an infant school and love children.

One "obvious" way would be to have IVF, using donated sperm, or IUI (I'd probably go for IVF.) I'm a bit uncomfortable with this as I am worried the child would grow to resent me. I do have vague religious beliefs - I don't go to church - but I do believe roughly in the guidelines of the Christian faith and while this isn't explicitly stated in the bible as being 'wrong' I think it probably wouldn't be encouraged! I do know I need to justify whatever decision I make to a child when he or she grows up and this could be difficult if they are resentful of not having a father. (I would not be interested in having a relationship after having a child.)

The other route is adoption, and while this appeals on a moral level I'm worried about how I would cope with all manner of things. I know adopted children come from trauma - that's the sad nature of adoption. I like to think I could cope with this. What worries me is that they might seek their birth family at 18 and forget about me! I also would like to name or at least play some part in naming my child - it upsets me to think I'd never get to do this. I also hate the way 'adopted' is tacked into children who are - Jayne Torville (I used to be a figure skater!) has two adopted daughters and the fact they are adopted is always mentioned. Why can't the papers say that JT has 'two daughters', as according to the law, she does! I'd hate people to feel the child wasn't mine in some way.

But adoption does appeal in other ways.

Other things I should mention: I am financially very comfortably off but this is due to the premature deaths of my parents, in my teens, I don't have any other family. I do have friends but they are 'widespread' and busy.

What would you do, if you were me (Please don't advise me to visit the adoption board, as I do lurk but have already asked there once and the responses weren't massively helpful.)

NoArmani that's essentially what IUI is.

Vivienne, I did say either option would be a few years down the line.

Okay - relationships with a child. I'm 34, never had a relationship. This changing when I've got a child in tow would be unlikely and would probably arouse my suspicion about the motives if I'm suddenly in demand when I have a child. But again, that's not why I posted. I know I want to be a parent, but I wanted to think about the pitfalls of both creating a life and taking charge of a life.

You never regret having a child but you can regret not having one.

That is not true, plenty of people regret having a child (just look at the threads on Mumsnet about this) but it is such a taboo subject that very few people are likely to admit it in RL.

Anyway, to answer the Op - I agree with others, 34 is incredibly young to feel you have to make an immediate choice - I didn't have a child until I was 43. Personally, I think it is an incredibly hard choice to have a child on your own ........ and it is no guarantee that you will not be 'lonely' as you get older.

Don't choose a life that is solely work and childcare - well if you have no choice what can you do?

If you apply to adopt one of the things they look at is whether you have a support system. This can be both people who provide emotional support and people who provide practical support. Because shit happens. You get ill. You have to travel for work. Your child gets ill. Lots of things can happen which means you just can't cope on your own. So start building a support system now, don't just shrug your shoulders and say you don't have one. It's true that once you have a child you meet a whole new set of people who are in the same life phase as you are, and they become friends. But you want someone at the start as well, someone you can call in the middle of the night and say my child is screaming with pain, what do I do.

OP I think you should put concerted effort into finding a DP. Give yourself a finite amount of time - say 18 months - and go mad online dating. Join every site, be selective and dedicated. If you can't find a DP in that time then proceed along a path to single parenthood.

Personally I could never knowingly bring a child into the world without a father who I intended to be around. This is a massive disadvantage to a child and one they might find difficult to accept when older. I'd feel adoption would be the more "moral" route.

I will probably be flamed for this and I say it with a real empathy for your situation but I think at 34 you really really still have time and you should do your very very best to keep on going and to try and find a partner who wants to have a child with you. I feel strongly (but understandably) that you are panicking. Take a deep breath and keep on going and try to find a partner. Children deserve two parents. I know so so many happy stories re women in your situation toughing it out and making it work. Best of luck itch whatever your path is though

Also... I think that it must be incredibly lonely bringing a child into the world by yourself. Circumstance may force the situation on you (being left by a partner etc) but I think choosing that route... It kind of takes my breath away with how hard, and in a way sad, it would be. 34 is still young...you really do have time to find a DP.

I don't think I will find a partner, but in any case as I have said, I haven't given up hope and am looking at either adoption or sperm donation for about 3-5 years into the future.

This all sounds very familiar, have you posted about this before? Maybe on another forum?

Checkedblackandwhite ok, I understand. Well I think it's good to have a plan for the future and the timing is right re sperm donation, that gives you a good block of time to meet somebody. I think actually your plan then is a good one. And by the way, you REALLY don't know whether you will meet somebody. You have no idea what curveballs life will throw at you. I was in the same position as you...and of the same mindset...and I met someone. I threw myself into very different situations and took very different paths to what I thought would suit me...and I met someone. Shake your life up...it'll be fascinating and may lead you to some very special things. Best of luck

I don't think so Suffolk but there was another post someone linked to up the thread, I think that was on here, though.

Sandy, thanks, I suppose I'm thinking in terms of 'in five years if this is still the same I will ...' not 'tomorrow I will' :)

Oh ok then, must have been that, a few things rang a bell in my memory about someone I knew through a forum, possibly not this one on reflection.

I have posted on here on adoption but it wasn't massively helpful although in reflection that was my fault as I get touchy about not having much rl support.

Hi Checked, I'm 37 and 29 weeks pregnant. I'm single and got pregnant in my 2nd round of IUI using donated sperm. I am financially stable and lucky to have very strong family support.
I feel like the luckiest person on earth right now, am so happy and confident in my decision as its 100% right for me.
Happy to discuss further if you'd like to message me. I would just say to follow your instinct and do what is best for you x

Thank you. Congratulations

Please please don't feel you have to rush into a relationship just to have a child. That has to be one of the best ways to ensure heartache for all concerned. Have faith in yourself and do what you need to. It's hard being a single mother, but having seen friends with partners having huge rows in front of their kids and splitting up and getting back together and splitting up again, I don't think anyone can say that that is preferable. You do need a good support network though - or a close family perhaps? It is more common that you would think to go it alone (sure you have read the book on Single Mothers Through Choice and looked at the Donor Conception Website - but if not have a look) and there can be great advantages. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Well you seem very determined, and of course you can have a relationship after children. I think you should be aware of exactly how lonely it is working then going home and doing everything for your child all the time.

When you see happy families at the weekend, it can be really painful I've heard. Not to mention all the people asking where the father is, and expecting a partner to turn up, possibly even treating you differently because you are a single mum. If you are ill, you will still have to look after the child. You will have to sort childcare, with all that that brings, and take numerous days off for appointments, which will affect your career.

I'm not trying to put you off, you just need to know both the positives and the negatives. Children are the biggest blessing, but you do pay a heavy price for having them.

These are my thoughts, just a sort of waffle of consciousness, feel free to take what you will.

I don't think that a child would necessarily resent your choice of using donor sperm. Families are all sorts of shapes and sizes now, and I don't think it will be as much of an issue as you're thinking it will. Although isn't it true that donor sperm conceived children can contact the donor at 18? I know they changed the rule at some point, you'd have to look into what that is now.

I wouldn't necessarily write off a relationship after you have a child. It's obviously nowhere near as easy or simple as dating/starting a relationship when you don't have any, but it's definitely possible and things have a way of taking you by surprise :)

I think people have misunderstood the moral aspect (I haven't read the whole thread so sorry, but some of the earlier comments) - being tied into religious views and making a child without love being involved, I think is the issue? Ie the donor route being slightly immoral, rather than adoption being more moral. I'm not a Christian so I can't help with this but I don't see anything wrong with it. It is at least honest - much more so than, for example, shagging loads of men with the intention of getting pregnant, but not telling them that. Or staying in a relationship you know isn't working because you desperately want a child. You are going into parenthood stating yourself as the only person responsible, making that the case from the start, a clean slate. If we had the technology to reproduce completely asexually, then you would (presumably) pick that, but we currently don't. (As an aside, I'm assuming there is no male friend who you could ask about being a sperm donor?)

I think that even if an adopted child sought their birth family at 18, there is no way that they would forget you or abandon you. I have in-laws who adopted and while all of their children (to date, one is still living at home) went through a period in their late teens when they suddenly lashed out and tried to find their birth families and to an extent rejected the adoptive family, all of them have come back. And there is far more training and awareness about how to handle attachment disorder and the teenage years which are known to be turbulent - my in-laws have never heard of attachment disorder and don't know what it is.

You can have input into naming an adopted child, even if it's just adding/removing middle names. Obviously you can't change their first names. As for being referred to as "Her adopted children", unless you plan on becoming so famous that newspapers write articles about you, I think it's unlikely to be an issue. It's a quirk of the press - much like in real life people don't say "Oh, Sally, meet my friend, blonde-haired Sue, 32 year old mother-of-three!"

I was adopted as a baby with no background of trauma. I was born to an umarried mum in Ireland at a time when that was frowned upon. By the time I was 18, I was very keen to trace my natural mum, but decided against it because I was afraid of hurting my adopted dad (my adopted mum had died and he had raised me and my siblings on his own). I did trace her years later but with full support from my family. And if anything, it brought me closer to my adopted family. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't have to be a choice between you and your child's natural mum when they turn 18.

I would also say that being adopted made me feel different despite my parents treating me the same as my adopted brother and their two natural children. And for me, it was an incredible feeling, going from not knowing/having any blood relatives to having a baby of my own and meeting my natural mum for the first time, all within the same year. Having said that, being a single parent is a tough path - I wouldn't have coped well on my own, particularly in that first year.

Good luck!

Hello Checkedblack and white :)
I'm a single adopter. I was facing exactly your sort of decision when I was a similar age to you. I have known since my late teens that I was likely to have issues with my fertility, so I had always had adoption at the front of my mind rather than the back.
I started the process not ally sure whether I would be approved to be honest. I do have family, but not that live very near to me and none that I am all that close to-(think distant cousins and much younger siblings). Being that I didn't have parents to be on hand to help I felt quite bleak at the thought of how I might evidence my required 'support network'.
When I started to work through it all though, I realised that it was better in reality than I was selling it to myself (if that makes sense). I might not have the support of my family, but I do have the most incredible network of friends.
Anyway, due to my fertility issues, adoption was my first choice, I actively pursued it and was delighted to become a parent through adoption.
It hasn't been easy, but its a bit like childbirth in that, after a challenging day I put my daughter to bed, pour myself a glass of wine and think 'Ah, it wasn't that bad really' and count my blessings.

Its sounding to me as though your heart is wanting you to take the plunge and push some adoption doors, and your sensible head is saying 'But what about this option?'

So...as for your other worries-the name thing. Oh my, this worried me too! To the extent that I was quite embarrassed about how shallow I felt. The relief I felt when I was told my daughters name was huge. It is usual for social workers to not want you to change a child's name unless there are security issues or it is something really wild and unusual that might make them identifiable. I have several friends who adopted children with erm....interesting names and its amazing how quickly you get used to them and the child grows into them. Most people I know where encouraged to choose new middle names for their children, and I do know a few people who changed their child's name for the reasons mentioned above.

Your last point occurs to me sometimes. I think it does to everyone to be honest. And yes, of course, it does happen, though in both the cases I'm aware of in my area, the children were having regular direct contact with their birth parents.
It is important to remember that, as you've started in your opening post, most children nowadays are adopted as a result of neglect or abuse, which tends to mean that, for most of them, the 'Long Lost Family' type scenario does not often occur.
But yes, it is an issue, but I intend to do my best to make sure that my daughter knows that the door for communication and information is always open, which I hope will reduce the likelihood of her ever wanting to live elsewhere. Mind you....that isn't just adoption related- I have a few friends with teens who have stropped off to live with an Auntie or a best friend and her family so that's not just an adoption related issue.....

I'm sorry that you didn't feel warmly welcomed or responded to on the adoption board. Please try again if you feel you would like to, or feel free to send me a PM if you have more direct questions. I wish you the very best of luck whatever route you choose....as far as adoption is concerned, it certainly sounds as though you have your eyes very much open already! :)

Finally..... KnackeredMuchly. 'Saving a Soul' and 'growing up unloved in care' really are quite awful ways to describe adoption. I physically winced when I read that. That is not at all what adoption is about and, I would go as far as to say, is an insulting way to refer to a child parented through adoption. On behalf of our children, I respectfully request that you please avoid referring to them in such a way. Thank you.

Everyone experiences life differently. For some being a single parent is very hard work and lonely. For me it really isn't like that.

I have friends who really felt compromised by the opinions of their partners; having to stop breastfeeding earlier than they really wished as their partners thought that it was 'weird' to breastfeed past a certain age or not co-sleeping with their babies, again, as their partner didn't like it. Just two examples. I could go on. DD is now at school and with each age there are new challenges and new adventures.

However, I'm not someone who needs to have a partner. I fell quite whole by myself. OP, it sounds like you are the same. Also I think it does make a difference if you choose single parenthood rather than being subjected to it. Good luck what ever you choose to do.

I don't have any experience with single parenthood but I do have 3 dc through sperm donation (DH has azoospermia). For us and for countless people that I have heard from it has been a good choice. There is more to think about (mainly from the child's perspective) than when having children in a more traditional manner. If this is something you are considering pleases contact the donor conception network (it's only £25 to join I think). Not only do they have loads of great literature about the decision and realities of this method of building a family, they also link people when joining to another person in a similar position. In your case they would link you with another single woman who has been through the same decision. There are also regional group meet ups just for single mums or single mums to be I think if that interests you. I think if I was in your position, about to make such a life altering decision alone I would want to hear from as many people as possible who have done it before. All the very best for the future to you and your baby/child to be.

I have issues with your reasoning for having a child op, but I can give you this piece of advice. If you go down the adoption route you will not be able to start a new relationship until it is all finalised. If a couple are applying to adopt they have to have been in the relationship for at least 2 years.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

I understood that legally you can change a child's name when you adopt but they discourage actively changing first name, though changing a Jamie to James probably would not be a problem depends on age of child I think if they are used to a name which they would be at 2-3 as opposed to 6-9 months

If I were you op I would look into all options more closely start the process now, you don't have to follow all the way to the end if you find it's not for you. The other things I would really focus on is improving/building a strong support network, you will really need this. Do you have any siblings or a best friend that you're close to? Starting down the road to parenthood might be a way to meet people in a similar position to built friendships with. That and as much dating as you can manage although it sounds to me that you don't really mind if you never have a partner, it's a child you really want.

OP I think you need to do some research, ring adoption agencies, visit a fertility clinic (they often have open days), find out what your options are and what each one involves.

I have 2 DCs conceived by donor, as I reached 36 and my then partner announced that he never wanted kids.

When DC1 was 2, I went back to the clinic to try again, but had 2 miscarriages. At that point I made some tentative enquiries about adoption - I knew I wanted another child somehow. My personal experience was quite negative. The people I spoke to seemed to have quite a downer on single women, saying that I could only adopt older children with behavioural problems, because all the babies went to couples. I was also told that only private adoption agencies would consider me, as SS only place children with couples. I'm not sure if this is the case everywhere, and it was quite a few years ago, so maybe things have changed.

Anyway, I managed to have DC2 in the end, and now we're a happy little family. Of course there are many potential problems ahead, but I'm trying to be prepared. The donor conception network are great and have some good books for kids.

Basically what I'm saying is that you really need to do lots and lots of homework before you can decide what is best for you.

I wish you luck - its a tough journey but it's been a good decision for me.