To knowingly become a single parent?

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I know drip feeding can be irritating and I will try not to do that. Here is my situation. I am 34 and I am single. While I haven't entirely given up hope of meeting someone I want to spend the rest of my life with I am not necessarily expecting this to happen. (Just to preempt any further questioning, I have tried the 'usual' methods of online dating, hobbies and so on, but most men and people for that matter I do meet are already married.)

I am fairly sure I want to experience motherhood though. I am a deputy headteacher of an infant school and love children.

One "obvious" way would be to have IVF, using donated sperm, or IUI (I'd probably go for IVF.) I'm a bit uncomfortable with this as I am worried the child would grow to resent me. I do have vague religious beliefs - I don't go to church - but I do believe roughly in the guidelines of the Christian faith and while this isn't explicitly stated in the bible as being 'wrong' I think it probably wouldn't be encouraged! I do know I need to justify whatever decision I make to a child when he or she grows up and this could be difficult if they are resentful of not having a father. (I would not be interested in having a relationship after having a child.)

The other route is adoption, and while this appeals on a moral level I'm worried about how I would cope with all manner of things. I know adopted children come from trauma - that's the sad nature of adoption. I like to think I could cope with this. What worries me is that they might seek their birth family at 18 and forget about me! I also would like to name or at least play some part in naming my child - it upsets me to think I'd never get to do this. I also hate the way 'adopted' is tacked into children who are - Jayne Torville (I used to be a figure skater!) has two adopted daughters and the fact they are adopted is always mentioned. Why can't the papers say that JT has 'two daughters', as according to the law, she does! I'd hate people to feel the child wasn't mine in some way.

But adoption does appeal in other ways.

Other things I should mention: I am financially very comfortably off but this is due to the premature deaths of my parents, in my teens, I don't have any other family. I do have friends but they are 'widespread' and busy.

What would you do, if you were me (Please don't advise me to visit the adoption board, as I do lurk but have already asked there once and the responses weren't massively helpful.)

Op I can't offer any insight into either option so I wont but I just wanted to say how thoughtful you sound and how I wish that every child was as considered and as wanted as yours will be. Good luck in either option, my ds is 11 days old and is already the sun, stars and moon to me.

Like WooWooOwl I grew up without sering my Dad.

I didnt ever miss this or feel resentful of my mum at all.

*seeing

Why would you need IVF? Can't you just use donor sperm without IVF?

I would seriously look into both options, then decide what was best for you.

I'm a single parent, not through choice. My ex left when I was pregnant after a 3 year relationship, never to be seen again. It's hard but it's also the best thing that has ever happened to me. You sound like you've got your head screwed on right, and whatever option you choose, your child will be yours. You will raise him or her, love them, provide for them. That makes you both parents.

In this day and age there is no "conventional" family unit anymore IMO.

Why would you definitely rule out a relationship once you have a child?

Fanjo, I didn't feel resentful of my Mum either, but that's because she didn't make a choice to deny me a parent.

OP, whichever route you go down, there will be difficulties with it. Just as there can be difficulties associated with having a child in the conventional way with two parents wanting to have a child together at the time it's conceived and then born. You have to work out which set of difficulties you will be best placed to cope with for yourself, and for the child you will be parenting.

I very much doubt that making the right moral choice would ever be your only motivation for choosing adoption, presumably many of the reasons you choose to adopt or you choose to use donor sperm will be the same, and those will be the most important reasons for becoming a parent whichever way you choose.

Dear Op,
you sound so thoughtful and considerate of this major life choice. I agree, adoption is the most altruistic option, but it is the hardest if the child/baby comes from a difficult beginning. (We are considering this once our own have fled the nest), but as someone said above, you'll never regret having the baby once its there (even in the early waking hours when it is screaming and you're tired). And I think that it is encouraging that you mention your christian beliefs. As you have these beliefs, pray about it; ask God for a sign, be it from a sermon, a christian friend or scripture itself.

There are a couple of single adopters on the adoption board, and it seems to have worked out ok for them. Not all adopted children have issues. The ones you read about on forums mostly do because that's why their parents are posting - very few people post just to say how well things are going. There are no guarantees with a birth child either - they could be disabled, have learning difficulties or just have difficult personalities. Whichever way you choose to become a parent, it sounds as if you will be a great mum so go for it.

Unlike Woo, I did grow up - to the age of 13 - with my father around. Which is a pity because he was an arsehole.

I can see what Woo is saying about potential resentment at your mother deliberately choosing to parent alone. But the flip side is your kid potentially resenting you if your father turns out to be a dick and you resent your mother for marrying/staying tethered/having kids with someone like that.

As a child, I thought I'd be happier if daddio wasn't on the scene and I could have had the nice rosy, romantic vision of my absent daddy rather than the crushing reality that was actually there. A bit simplistic but then, I was a kid.

I'd say go for it.

Noarmani, I did say IVF or IUI but given the age I will be when I go for this, if I do go for this, I will probably go for IVF as this has higher rates of success.

Why will I rule out a relationship when I have a child - firstly it's highly unlikely I'll meet anybody anyway. Secondly my attention will be on motherhood not finding a partner. Thirdly I think it's unfair to expose a child to repeated 'uncle' figures which I'd have to do given I won't have available babysitters to help.

Perhaps it's one of those that's just difficult full stop, I just know I really, really want to be a Mum.

I'm a single adoptive mum, I chose adoption over any other route of becoming a mum

I would say that when choosing your route to parenthood, whatever it is, it's important to just be brutally honest with yourself about how you feel, what you want, your expectations etc. I think it's also important to be selfish - as in, not to feel guilty about wanting something that feels 'me-centric'

I would say the first question is how much do you want to experience pregnancy, giving birth, having a newborn baby, and how drawn do you feel to the idea of your child being genetically yours? If you would really like to experience any of that, I think it's nearly always the better idea to TTC. Adoption does generally require you to have 'let go' of having a/another child by birth and all that entails.

If you're comfortable with not experiencing pregnancy, tiny baby etc, then adoption can be very much on the table

And it IS a scary undertaking! Everyone who goes through the adoption process has worries and fears and that's totally normal. In fact, it would be very odd to enter something as unknown and life changing as adoption and not have worries and wobbles!

Ultimately, it's a leap of faith. All parenting is of course, but adoption often especially so. Only you can know whether you feel ready to take that leap.

I know plenty of teenage and adult adoptees who haven't chosen to live with their birth parents, and would never be interested in doing so
I also know/know of a number who have chosen to live with their birth parents sometime in their teenage years
My 18 year old lives with her birth family now. She's still very much my precious daughter though
But I'm not sure it's helpful to think on these future 'what ifs'. When you are a parent, you love your child more than anything, and you find a way to cross these bridges as, if and when they arise.

I know children who have been remarkably unaffected by their traumatic experiences, children who have been but to a less serious degree, and children whose lives have been more severely impacted by their early childhood. You just don't know how your child will be affected as they grow and develop, when you adopt them. I've found the tougbest times in my life through parenting, but also some of the happiest and definitely the most fulfilling. Lots of joy, and lots of tougher things.

If you can reach a place where you feel you can take that step into the unknownn and say 'what will happen, will happen, and I will deal with it as it comes', then you are ready to adopt.

Naming is a common concern by the way. It depends on the child, but with most young children, you can at least add a new middle name. It's someting you deal with as you go through the process IMHO

If you're leaning towards adoption, then do come and post on adoption. We don't try to misinterpret anything, we really want to be supportive and helpful to everyone posting

There was a similar thread here on AIBU a month ago about being single and choosing which route to go, maybe you'll find useful posts on there too?

woowoo

So you are quite vocally all for men who actively choose to walk away from children with out funding them or anything but against mothers who choose to parent alone. That's quite odd

I've recently become a single parent due to death of DH. Daughters are 4 and a 4 month baby. Obviously my circumstances are different but my advice would be to make sure you can afford some childcare for when you are not working. Don't choose a life that is solely work and childcare.

Also why rule out a relationship later on? I don't intend to be single forever. ..absolutely no reason why you can't meet someone after having a baby.

You may even find it easier as the biological clock pressure will be off.

I would advise you speak to as many single parents as you can OP, either on here or in rl.
Whilst I wouldn't change my situation for the world, being 100% responsible for absolutely everything every single day for years is exhausting, relentless and often lonely.

Why choose adoption when I can just have sperm donated - I've tried to explain why but I'm evidently not doing a good job!

One day I will have to explain to my child why he or she only has me and no father. It is one thing to say I wanted to be a parent and chose you, another to say I wanted to be a parent and made you. Perhaps to some that's an immaterial difference but to me it's an important one. For the same reason I would not want someone else's embryo - an embryo isn't destined to a life in foster care otherwise. It's destined to not exist at all.

Don't choose a life that is solely work and childcare - well if you have no choice what can you do? I've already said I don't want to not be a parent. I think my chances of meeting someone are slim but with respect this isn't what this thread is about.

Lilka thank you but the posters on adoption while informative are also quick to become terse if you don't know some of the terminology or systems and since clearly I don't I will give it a wide berth.

Alienation thank you, but I have no desire at all to not experience parenthood at all and plus since I have no family of my own going forwards into my 40s and 50s alone would be a lonely and sad existence.

It's another reason for favouring adoption as the 'baby stage' would be over - would be very unlikely to get a baby.

A colleage at work once asked my advice on this. She was quite a bit older than you. I said go for it. She didn't in the end. But she was worried what people would think. I think if you can offer a good home to a child then why not. I'm not sure about sperm donation for myself but certainly think it could be considered. But at 34 there is still time to meet somebody. Why not give it another year.

A friend of mine did this. She had a baby by herself with donated sperm, age 40.

She has now (3 years later) met someone, and they live together. They would like to have a child together, but it looks like fertility is against them, and it may not happen.

I am so glad for her that she went ahead and had her child, because if she had waited, she wouldn't have. Now she has child, and partner, and they seem very happy together. He also has a child from a previous relationship, who doesn't live with them. As you get older, people's lives tend to be more complicated.

Noarmani, I did say IVF or IUI but given the age I will be when I go for this, if I do go for this, I will probably go for IVF as this has higher rates of success.

I just don't see why you need either. Why not just inseminate yourself? So much cheaper and less invasive.

I wouldn't rule out a relationship after you had a child. Obviously it wouldn't be ideal straight away especially with an adopted child but further down the line.

The only trouble with adoption (I am considering it as well once DD is in school next year), is that they are legally allowed to find their family at 18. That means that family may well be connected to your family for a very long time. The same goes for sperm donation - remember your child will more than likely one day want to find their father, and you should know as much about him as possible to ensure that what they find is what they expect. I would personally rather meet them for this reason.

So sorry to hear about your DH grobags