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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to start a relationship with a man with kids.

54 replies

Loveisintheair27 · 31/10/2014 21:06

Me and my sister were talking , I am a single mum and we were talking about the future and maybe moving on in to relationships.
I turned around and said I wouldn't date a man with kids, well not unless they had full custody.

Now I have many reasons for this , obviously if the relationship were to go far and moving in , kids etc
Then I really wouldn't feel comfy about him seeing my kids more than his own and also of we had kids then my daughter spending more time with there lil siblings that the guys children.

Now I have nothing against or care what others do as in who they date but this is a personal choice just wondering if anyone else has the same worries

My sister laughed at me and said I'm being ridiculous :)

I for one would always welcome step kids in to my home etc they would have as much of a home as my own and as much presents etc so that isn't the reason I think I may just struggle with the above and maybe discipline.

Now the reason I am over thinking this is because the guy I really like has a son.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 31/10/2014 23:00

Lol Ora at 'why did you turn around?'

30somethingm · 31/10/2014 23:02

No you ANBU. I wouldn't start a relationship with a woman who had children. People have many different criteria when it comes to relationships.

hesterton · 31/10/2014 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherofmonster · 31/10/2014 23:34

No, i would be so worried to date someone who had kids as i know i would fall in love with them and think of them as my own kids, then if the relationship failed and i didn't see them anymore i would be heartbroken Sad

Whiskwarrior · 31/10/2014 23:44

I wouldn't want to date a man who had dc either. I've got three of my own and I find them hard enough as it is. Having read the Step-parenting board and heard from other people about their step-parenting experiences (including my own sister) I know it's definitely not for me.

I honestly can't even see me living with a man though because living with my ex for so many years has put me right off! I've lived alone (well, with the kids Grin) for a year now and even though it's hard work I love being completely in control of every aspect of our day to day lives - how the house is set out, what food I buy, when I do things, where we go, all of it.

Possibly it's because my ex was difficult to live with, but I doubt I'll be in any rush to live with another man for a very long time, if ever.

Ipigglemustdie · 01/11/2014 00:11

Yanbu but it would be interesting to start a thread at a later date from the point of view of a man who didn't want to date woman who had children and not full custody.....

saoirse31 · 01/11/2014 00:24

yanbu. apart from difficulties parenting, exes etc, I'm with poster above re inheritance.

kentishgirl · 01/11/2014 00:38

YANBU and YABU.

Yanbu to not want to date a man with children. these things are complicated and not for everyone. That was what I thought as well (although it hasn't worked out that way) and there's nothing wrong with that.

Yabu to want to date a man with children only if he has sole residency of the child. You seem to think this makes it better for the children. How? The only way this would happen is if the poor children have been through the trauma of their mother dying, or being so unfit and abusive a parent that she does not have any contact with them, or their mother being in prison? I can't think of any other possibilities. You really think that trauma and agony for the children is better for them than an amicable parenting arrangement by two parents? That's kinda odd, to me. You are thinking of yourself, not the children, here. It's awful to wish the loss of a parent on a child.

Benzalkonium · 01/11/2014 00:42

I'm with venti coffee cups on this. You think 'it'll never work with any not 100% custody parent' but there are always exeptions! Well that's fine; more open-minded people can enjoy relationships with the lovely men out there, who are responsible, capable, hardworking and loving. Who have learned from their mistakes and are happy to try again. They do exist.

CookieWarbler · 01/11/2014 07:40

I wonder if you've had a taste of the dating scene yet OP? If not, you may be in for a shock! I was the same as you in that I didn't really want to date men with kids as I figured it would be complicated.

However the fact that I had a child put off so many men that in reality the pool of men who actively communicated with me was very small and they were not the intelligent, active, funny, handsome, stable man I had my heart set on. Oh and often they were not childless!

I got so fed up that I posted the same dating profile and took out the fact that I was a mum - got three or four times the response. This was when I was in my mid-thirties and would think that the age of men I was going for would expect that women of my age might have a child but apparently not!

I've now been with my lovely DP for two years (not through on-line dating, gave that up for my sanity) he has a DD and we all get on marvellously. Yes it has some complications but it doesn't outweigh the positives of us being together for both of our DDs.

It's good to have standards when you start to date again but be aware of the reality - men without kids are overwhelmingly going to want to date women without kids and men with 100% custody are pretty rare.

VikingLady · 01/11/2014 08:11

My problem with living with a man with his own DCs is that he would have to put them first, otherwise he would be the sort of arsehole I want nothing to do with. But MY kids come first with me, and it would become a resentful battlefield with both of us trying to get the best for our own kids.

I admit I am very selfish obo my DD though.

Misssss · 01/11/2014 08:19

Like Iggle said, I wonder what the reaction would be if a man posted this?

I do thing YANBU. There is no way on earth I'd get involved with a man with kids. It's limiting my options as I get older though.

impatienceisavirtue · 01/11/2014 08:33

YANBU - totally up to you who you will and won't date.

I adore my DH and wouldn't change a thing about having met and married him, but being a stepparent is fucking hard work and I wouldn't blame anyone for being put off

AloneReed · 01/11/2014 09:18

I'm not bothered what a man would say if this was the other way around.
Just reading these posts which have surprised me to say the least, men need to step up to the plate it seems! We want "partners" - the clue is in the title . . .
The "shagging" comment shocked me a little but I decided a long time ago that's what it's all about and to prove it, when I date men I tell them I'm looking for a companion and don't want sex anymore - they're off like a shot!
The menopause is helping a lot - it's like the blinkers have been taken off!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/11/2014 09:23

Well...Yeah, if you haven't got kids of your own I would definitely say that's a good plan. But you do have kids so, it seems a bit ...I dunno, hypocritical...
Like saying, I'd never go out with anyone...Overweight...when being overweight or something.

Still, you go out with who you want to go out with. How can anyone disagree with that?

Original poster
Loveisintheair27 · 02/11/2014 09:57

If I could Garuntee that we could have a family unit and be equal I wouldn't mind it's the thought of a child thinking their dad spends more time or outs more effort in with someone else's child or his other children.

The guy I really am interested in has a 4 yr old , we have known each other for years and are very good friends.
He doesn't have son over night ( not his choice ) and has him for a few hours on a Tuesday and Saturday.
He doesn't see him on birthdays and Christmas .

I am just a lil apprehensive about starting a relationship when in theory if this was to continue, there wouldn't be a chance of a future. We wouldn't live with each other , or have any children.

OP posts:
addictedtobass · 02/11/2014 11:49

YANBU, all good ideas and thoughts, very thoughtful. I wonder if your sister laughed though because, statistically, the mother usually is the primary carer, so in all likelihood of the men who are singles dads that you meet the majority will be the NRP? Or does she just think you are fussy of something? (Heard that word a lot when dating from my friends too!)

MadisonMontgomery · 02/11/2014 12:03

YANBU OP. My dad remarried when I was a teenager & it was shitty then & it is shitty now. The fact is that no matter how nice your stepmum is, if she has kids you will always come second.

Bonsoir · 02/11/2014 12:08

Being a stepmother isn't easy but it has definite pluses IMO.

Original poster
Loveisintheair27 · 02/11/2014 12:28

I also feel that if my daughters dad was actually a dad and not an idiot ! That it would be hard because also that means partner would see and spend more time with daughter than her dad ! It's all v confusing :)

OP posts:
gotthemoononastick · 02/11/2014 12:38

From a mother of boys a different perspective....

I thank my lucky stars that they did not get involved with what they would call 'baggage'.

Take my hat off to anyone who is prepared to bring up someone else's offspring with all the related issues.

Trills · 02/11/2014 12:39

If your DD's dad is an idiot, and this man is decent, why wouldn't you want her to have a positive male role model in her life?

Blood relationship isn't everything. Often it's not very much at all.

windchime · 02/11/2014 13:23

YANBU. I would think exactly the same in your position. No-one needs that kind of stress.

BrowersBlues · 02/11/2014 16:17

I agree entirely with OP. I have seen a lot of my friends who have DC start relationships with men who also have DC and honestly not one of them has lasted. The children always became an issue. My DC are teenagers and I wouldn't wish their behaviour on anyone. I struggle to like them at times and know that the chances of a new partner liking them are zero. I love them and forgive their behaviour but nobody who didn't love them would entertain living with them.

I made a vow to myself when I left my EXH with a 2 year old and a baby on the way (16 years ago) that I would never move in with someone whilst my DC lived with me. I also knew I could never live with someone else's children. I have no regrets on that score. I had a few relationships but never introduced the DC to them and kept it all outside of our home.

I am not sure that I could ever live with a man again even when my DC leave home. I could definitely have a relationship but would not fancy living together. I like my own company and I have always been very independent. You never know what's ahead though.

somewhereelse · 02/11/2014 16:40

Well YANBU - but I've gone the opposite way and am only dating men with children.

Since separating from my exh I've dated 2 men without children, both claiming they wanted to casually date, "fabulous" said I, but both ended up wanting far more than I could offer. Neither of them understood the need for me to be in contact with exh, neither understood why I wouldn't introduce them to my children and they both became demanding and whiney when I couldn't drop everything to meet them at any given moment. One of them then started discussing children of our own and I ran a mile - I have quite enough children as it is! So much for casual dating!

I have absolutely no intention of moving a man into my house until my youngest has left home and even then they'd have to be something bloody special!

I do know lots of step families who have no major issues and mostly everything ticks along very nicely - these families have very involved ex partners on both sides though. You sound thoughtful and caring, I expect you'd make a lovely, considerate step mum!