How rude would it be tell an adult they are not invited to something?

[QofeTheRaven]

DD started secondary school this year and asked if we could have a small bonfire evening at the weekend (hotdogs and marshmallows on sticks toasted over the fire, spiced apple juice, glowsticks etc) for her and 4 of her new school friends.

Her best friend from primary school is also invited, lets call her A. A's dad lives abroad but visits her fairly often, every 2-3 months ish. A's mum is not a close friend but we get on fairly well, however A's dad is a bit of a PITA (loud, posh, domineering type) and has form for inviting himself to events. A's mum knows this and it annoys her - she's told me so before.

DD has just been on the phone to A and it turns out A's dad has paid a short notice visit this half term and is staying with them atm. A mentioned that he was coming to the bonfire and asked should they bring anything along?

Now, I hadn't invited any adults along (although I know A's mum was planning to stay and give me a hand supervising the sausage cooking), its very small scale, and I certainly don't want A's bloody dad there organising proceedings and commenting on the size of our house/garden or taking the piss out of our vegetarian-ness etc etc (as he is wont to do).

Just how rude would it be to say to A's mum that actually, A's dad isn't invited? It feels very rude indeed but OMG the thought of him coming along makes me want to cancel...

I had to do this with my MIL once. She'd assumed she was invited and was offering to bring pudding! I was as tactful as possible with telling her that this was for friends, not family.

It did not go well.

On the upside, she is VERY clear now on not assuming she's invited to everything!

Agree with trying to speak to him instead and letting him know that it's a girl's only event.

Tell him it is a party for one of them starting their periods.

Giraffes :o

Although if he's that much of a know it all he might start talking about the history of menstruation in literature or something

Agree with the others - you need to be explicit! Hope it goes well.

No Yanbu at all, he souns a pain. You don't know him, and they are no longer a couple. I would say to A mum that you rather A dad not be there, I am sure she will understand as she feels that way about him.

Yes you need to say something, I think it would be more embarrassing for friend A and her mu if he makes a complete idiot of himself. Just say it's a party fir kids only and there is no room for adults.

And get another friend to help out so friend A mum dies not feel awkward leaving friend A dad behind.

Since they're not a couple any more, I can imagine that A's mum is well aware of her ex's flaws and won't be surprised that you'd prefer he didn't come round and be rude to you. So texting her would be the best bet.

Just be breezy and say "it is just a kids party, sorry if that was not clear"

Not hard, surely? Or rude? You are not excluding HIM, but ALL adults

I think you could message As mum and say just a party for the kids. The only thing to be aware of is if he only ever pays flying and unexpected visits it may be that A wants him at the party. Perhaps she would like to almost 'show him off' to the other girls. If you definitely don't want him there you may need to prepare your DD for the fact that A may not come to her party and may prefer to spend time with her dad.

Exactly calamitous, he is an ex for a reason, as op has said, she is aware of his behaviour and it annoys her. So it would not be unreasonable to text her or call her, she will totally understand.

How awkward.

Rude people are so thick skinned, you need to be blunt.

Some good suggestions here.

definitely text mum. only for kids. please let wanker ex know. he will not be allowed across threshold unless he is wearing a pink dress and matching lipstick. and even then, probably not.

Definitely be blunt & direct & say it's for teenage girls only - no dads invited!

Not rude at all. Make the text very clear so he can't interpret it another way it claim he has so that he can join in.

I sent a message to A's mum saying I just wanted to make clear to everyone that it was strictly girls only and that even DP and DS were being banished to the bedroom with a DVD. Reply came back saying but of course, that sounds great. So maybe she was glad of the excuse to get away from him for the evening!

Well done - hope you all have a fab time.

Let this stand as a lesson for how "just saying what you want to happen" can actually work.

Well done, rude people are very thick skinned and need to be told straight.

Qofe - do you think she has got the message that the party is for the children only, or is she assuming she counts as one of the 'girls'? If you don't want her there, you need to clarify:

"Just to clarify - the party is for the children only - no adults invited - apologies for any misunderstanding."

ummmm..... she maybe clear who it is for but does he? What will you do if he still turns up?

A's mum was always going to be coming along anyway, she asked if I wanted a hand when we first asked A weeks ago and I said that would be nice.

The exact wording of the text was, "A's dad won't be with you will he? Because I promised DD a girly night, so even DP + DS are not going to be hanging around! See you tomorrow x"