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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas dinner - inlaws . AIBU ? Possibly am....

29 replies

Xmasdinnerbonanza · 29/10/2014 15:53

The last two years we have eaten at a Brazilian restaurant on Xmas day. No washing up, sweating over hot pans, dd2 fussing round my feet while I'm red faced and getting pissed off because every one else is in the cool living room enjoying Xmas day.

At the beginning of this year dp said he wanted a small Xmas dinner at our home - he would cook it. Hmm

Mil offered to cook it for all the family but wanted £20 a head Shock

We are a family of five including dd bf
BIL and SIL has three kids

So all in all we would have had to pay £200 to eat at his mothers!

It got turned down.

Some how every one got invited here for FREE.

BIL and SIL split up so BIL is just coming as kids will eat lunch with her.

FIL is coming. He is divorced from mil.

I've asked mil a million times if she is eating with us, she won't commit eg.. I may go abroad, don't know my plans. She is also a fussy eater and won't eat my food Hmm she will also stood over my shoulder askng if I kept the veg juice for gravy, did I keep the meat stock, is that really the way I mash my spuds ect...

I can't be arsed with the faff. Dp will cook but it will take forever (until I intervene) and he will obliterate the kitchen. No one will give me a hand clearing up. When they all came three years ago it took me two hours to clear up.

I want to eat out again. His dad can afford it, his BIL can (I think ) plus his kids will be with their mum. It's £40 a head. Dp says we have to wait to see what BILS kids are doing, feels tight on his mum

I know mil will not want to come to the restaurant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 29/10/2014 15:57

Compromise. Just buy everything ready prepared from M&S and let DH warm it all up.
If MIL comments just shrug and say "DH is in charge this year".

WalkingInMemphis · 29/10/2014 15:57

So she wanted £20 a head and you said no, but are willing to eat out and pay £40 a head?

£20 a head does seem expensive to eat at someone's house but did you ask what for? Perhaps she wanted to do a really big spread, get more than one roast, or a really nice organic, free range cut of meat, expensive dessert or fancy crackers or starters...

Hatespiders · 29/10/2014 15:59

Oh definitely eat out at the restaurant again. YANBU. They sound as if they're all driving you potty. Some Christmas that would be! Stand firm and insist. This Christmas business is more of a Hell than a Season of Goodwill. I've always said people should do what they bloody well want for Crimbo dinner, and if family, parents, siblings etc don't like it, then tell them what to do.

WalkingInMemphis · 29/10/2014 16:00

So if she wanted £20 a head and there are now seven of you eating...£140 to feed 7.

Yes expensive, but I would really check what that would cover. Is she also buying wine? Snacks?

amyhamster · 29/10/2014 16:02

Tell dh you're either all eating out or Xmas is just you five this year
Put your foot down or else you'll end up hosting every year

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2014 16:04

I'd do what the Baroness says and get everything from M&S. Buy throwaway foil containers to cook things in. It's too expensive to eat out. Tell FIL and BIL to bring the booze and to be prepared to wash up.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 16:11

Just let your DH do the cooking and don't intervene.

If he takes a long while to cook it, suggest he starts earlier or in your own mind, expect dinner later.

Don't worry about the state of the kitchen, just wash up when everyone's gone and give it a clean the next day.

squoosh · 29/10/2014 16:17

I'm aghast and agog and a little bit impressed at the cheek of your MIL demanding £20 per person the eat Christmas dinner at her house. Shock Grin

What a woman!

rollonthesummer · 29/10/2014 16:22

You didn't want to host but now you are. Who invited them? Send an email saying you're eating out at x restaurant; if people want to join you, they must give you the deposit by Sunday.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2014 16:25
LaurieMarlow · 29/10/2014 16:35

This is you DH's problem. Let him deal with it. I'd just be very clear that you will not be getting involved (and won't be caving on the day). If he's not taking this on board, start telling him about all the fun things you'll be doing while he cooks / clears up. Thank him effusively for taking the burden off you this year. Tell him how much you're looking forward to a Christmas where you don't step foot in the kitchen.

If he starts looking panicky, wax lyrical about M&S ready made stuff so he's got a back up plan if he needs it.

I can't believe your mil was going to charge you. That's borderline insulting

BrieAndChilli · 29/10/2014 16:48

I am hosting Xmas this year and will be the 5 of us, sis, bil and 2 kids and mil and sil. I am 'charging' £30 per adult but that is for food and drink for Xmas eve, Xmas day and boxing day.
I didn't see it as a cheek but them again people in our families always pitch in and bring food and drink etc but as people will be travelling and having to bring presents etc it was easier if I got everything and people just gave me money. Plus I like to have complete control :-) and would just stress that someone would forget something or it wouldn't be right!!

BrieAndChilli · 29/10/2014 16:57

Although I didn't ask for money, it was offered and I made up a figure and sis doesn't think it's enough so bringing extra booze!

Original poster
Xmasdinnerbonanza · 29/10/2014 17:12

Hi all thanks for replying.

MILs dinner would have been prawn cocktail and big standard dry Turkey with dried/frozen mash she was going to buy new table linen though! There would have been a bottle of blue nun on the table but that's it!

I feel a bit bad as they thought they were having a fee dinner but now m changing the goal posts.

Last year when FIL got kicked out. He turned up on Christmas Eve and stayed here for two days. He expects to be waited on hand and foot and t got to the point on Boxing Day when he didn't even acknowledge I'd passed him his dinner. Or his breakfast or the thousands of cups of tea he drinks.

Dp just plays with dd or watched tv. I have to ask him to help and he will but FIL does this incredulous eye bulging out thing as if to say ' what my son is folding clothes away...

I'm not fussed of the cost of Xmas day, I've got all my family along with his coming on Boxing Day for a buffet party. I just don't want to spend two days running around after people.

I know ultimately dp will do what I ask, we can come back here for cake and drinks ect..that fine. I will be sweat free! I just wanted to know if I was being selfish or not.

Am I purposely leaving mil out?
Is it rude to tell them were eating out when they thought they were having a free dinner.

OP posts:
WalkingInMemphis · 29/10/2014 17:17

It would be rude if you left it until the week before when plans were made.

But really, it's still October and Xmas is 7 weeks away still. Plenty of time and not rude if you tell them plans have changed now x

notagainffffffffs · 29/10/2014 17:17

If I was you id buy everything pre done from m and s and let dp crack on. Eye bulging or no eye bulging.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2014 17:19

Not rude to tell them as you've left plenty of notice. Equally, not rude for them to change their plans if it doesn't suit.

capsium · 29/10/2014 17:26

You can get easy stuff from M&S or the like. If MiL starts to interfer, smile and say she is welcome to take over and do it the way she likes. Then pour yourself a large drink and watch her, whilst saying how clever her methods are! Grin

rollonthesummer · 29/10/2014 17:27

I feel a bit bad as they thought they were having a fee dinner but now m changing the goal posts.

How though? Why do they think this? Did you actually invite them?

Original poster
Xmasdinnerbonanza · 29/10/2014 17:31

I may have invited them while quaffing Wine Blush

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 29/10/2014 17:32

Excellent idea to get M&S stuff so minimal preparation. Also ready made puds. If it's just you, DH, your DC, FIL and BIL that isn't many to cook for. You can get a turkey crown, or a stuffed turkey breast if you don't want much left over, or if you suspect MIL will just roll up. You say she doesn't like your food, so would she be prepared to eat M&S, or would she not come if FIL was going to be there?

BIL and FIL can bring booze. Look for disposable microwavable bags to steam veg in, and foil trays for stuff that isn't already packed oven ready. DH, FIL and BIL agree in advance to wash what dishes there are, clean up kitchen and put out rubbish while you enjoy a coffee and play with the DC or just rest. I think the secret here is insisting up front that guests do their bit to contribute something and help. Limit the booze until after it's all done. I think FIL and BIL may decide not to come if they are lazy and think they will be getting a free lunch.

Original poster
Xmasdinnerbonanza · 29/10/2014 17:59

girly I think FIL and BIL will come as they have no where to go.

But I actually like the idea of asking telling the men folk they are cleaning up before hand.

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 29/10/2014 18:35

Yes, invite them to yours on the basis that they clean up. Otherwise they are paying for a meal at a restaurant.

HowDidThatWorkOut · 29/10/2014 19:13

Can you get them to bring starters and dessert?

Also, why don't you just use nice quality paper plates.

I'm ok with people 'charging' for Xmas meal. It seems like a nice idea to,spread the costs.

whois · 29/10/2014 19:29

I'm ok with charging for Xmas too. Otherwise it's not fair on the family that host, as even taking wine or pudding or snacks or whatever doesn't really come close to the cost. Much better for the host to do a big order and everyone chip in.

My sister doesn't charge but I wish she did. Parents buy turkey, her MIL and FIL do something etc and because I'm the baby I get told not to worry. I'm nearly 30 so quite capable or bringing something! Took a case of wine last year which didn't get touched as there was so much wine but hopefully my sister and husband drank it later.

Anyway OP, let DH cook. Buy the huge disposable roasting tins. Use good quality paler plates. Use disposable serving bowls. Have a big paler table cloth. Jobs a good un - eat, cutlery in the dish washer. Keep you glasses please. Everything else in the bin!