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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First married Xmas aibu?!

41 replies

Clarehol1 · 29/10/2014 11:43

Probably am being a bit precious.

Been with partner for 5 years. Getting married at beginning of Dec. we have never spent xmas together. We have lived together for 3 years but have always spent the day with our own familes, spending the bit before at mine and the bit after at his. Our families live about 40 miles apart, so not that far at all.

I emailed him at work a moment ago askjng what we would be doing at xmas and he suggested we do the same as we've always done this year and he'd actually only recently spoken to his mumabout it. This will sojnd awful but his grandmother passed away at the beginning of the summer and his aunts family will be spending the day at dps family. I totally understand that he wants to spend the day at his family as do i. Its his response that annoyed me..i would have appreciated skme discussion on this. He said, as blase as anything.."...maybe we could start alernating next year". WTF? Obviously. Cue email argument....

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarehol1 · 29/10/2014 11:44

Sorry for typos, using iphone

OP posts:
WrappedInABlankie · 29/10/2014 11:45

Ybu.

His grandma died and he wants to spend it with his family which you then said you understand and don't mind so why start an argument. Alternating is a good idea Christmas Day with one Boxing Day with another than switch it up. Otherwise all of you get together somewhere!

ilovepowerhoop · 29/10/2014 11:46

so whats the argument about? Is he saying you're not going to see your family this year then?

elvenbread · 29/10/2014 11:48

I can understand him wanting to go to his family if his grandma passed away recently. Can't you go with him and then next year go to your parents?

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 11:50

If you want to alternate, I don't see why you can't start this year? There are compelling reasons to go to his family this year, so why not start with his? (and you both go to yours next year).

Tinpin · 29/10/2014 11:50

I think she means they are going to spend Christmas seperately with their 'own' family?

Jackiebrambles · 29/10/2014 11:50

Or do both? Christmas morning at home together, christmas lunch at his families and then christmas evening/dinner at yours? It means one of you can't drink though due to the drive.

Or do xmas eve/xmas day morning with one family, then drive across to the other and do xmas lunch/evening with the other. That's what we do.

Original poster
Clarehol1 · 29/10/2014 11:51

My point is that i was a bit peeved to be told that that was what we'd be doing.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 29/10/2014 11:52

You are not being unreasonable to want some discussion and also to spend christmas together. Its weird to spend christmas day separately when you are married in my view.

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 11:56

Sorry, have I misunderstood, are you saying you don't want to alternate, and you want to continue to do families separately?

joanofarchitrave · 29/10/2014 11:56

I don't think YABU but I think trying to anything emotional by email (or text) is a recipe for disaster.

Send a last email saying can we talk this evening and have a proper chat then. Yes he should consult with you before talking to his parents but it's not unusual for this to have to be something you work out together, it doesn't mean he's being an idiot.

I would normally say you have honeymoon rights to have a Christmas to yourselves at home if that's what you want, but if there's been a death it does change things which you're clearly OK with

LilyPotter · 29/10/2014 12:04

"Sorry, have I misunderstood, are you saying you don't want to alternate, and you want to continue to do families separately?"

No, she's saying that she wants some discussion about it, rather than plans for this year being presented as a fait accompli.

ilovepowerhoop · 29/10/2014 12:13

what do you want? Do you want to be together for xmas? Can you visit one family on xmas day and the other on boxing day?

We now spend the day by ourselves (me, dh, dd, ds) and then go to my mum's on boxing day. We dont see dh's family at xmas as they live over 300 miles away

You should maybe discuss the issues together face to face in a grown up manner rather than having an e-mail argument

ilovepowerhoop · 29/10/2014 12:14

and if you have never said you are unhappy with the current arrangement then why are you getting huffy about doing the same as always this year? You then have a whole year to discuss what is happening next year

SoonToBeSix · 29/10/2014 12:16

Yanbu be different if a parent had died and he didn't want his mum / dad to be alone. I just don't see why he needs to spends Xmas with his family- you are his family now.

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 12:22

YABU.

You weren't told what you'd be doing, you were told what he'd be doing, with the added extra of him implying that he doesn't mind if you spend the day with your family or with his, and that he will be happy to alternate next year when it isn't the first Christmas after his grandmother died.

I can't really see the problem. It's one day, and if you've managed to make arrangements that keep you both happy so far, then there's no need to create a problem where there isn't one just because you've got married.

ilovepowerhoop · 29/10/2014 12:24

but how would he know she wanted to change what they have done for the past few years? They have been together 5 years and if she hasn't expressed that she wanted to do something different then how would he know

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 12:24

How is someone saying 'maybe we could do x?' being told what you are doing? Doesn't the whole 'maybe' bit imply its a suggestion not an order?

Agreed with the other poster about email convos, this sounds like a situation where lack of tone of voice could lead to misinterpreting the intention.

katienana · 29/10/2014 12:26

Has he actually not invited you to his mums for Christmas? That is what I'd be upset over. You should be together at Christmas, and he should have discussed it with you.

Summerisle1 · 29/10/2014 12:26

Well I can understand wanting to spend Christmas together but equally, I can understand him wanting to see his parents and family given the death of his grandmother this year. However, I'm not sure why you can't visit with him and then also go, together, to your parents. Spending separate Christmas days seems odd when you are a couple but whatever arrangements you make ought to be the result of a joint discussion. Not a foregone conclusion.

slimytoad · 29/10/2014 12:31

I'm so confused.

He suggested you do the same this year as you have done in the past,
And then said maybe you could alternate next year.

And your issue is that he was telling you whwt you were doing?

Sounds to me like he was making suggestions to open up a discussion. Unless I've missed something here, I think you are overreacting.

ilovepowerhoop · 29/10/2014 12:33

I agree, massive overreaction

RaspberryRuffle · 29/10/2014 12:34

YABU because you asked him what you would be doing, and because you sent an email like that to his work address. This needs a conversation, not an email exchange, especially when in work and your mind shouldn't be is not focused on the minutiae of Christmas day.
YANBU to want to spend Christmas with your new DH.
A word of warning, don't don't don't get into an alternating pattern, it will be so hard to get out of. That is one thing I'm so glad we agreed and stuck to (partly because I saw the stress it caused my own mum, and partly because MIL is a nightmare!).
Also, IF you both agree, a Christmas Day spent with your respective families sometimes is fine.

loopylou9 · 29/10/2014 12:38

YANBU, I think when you are DH&DW you are one unit and when it comes to things like Christmas I would never think for a minute that DH would spend the day in a different place to me and I would be livid if he made a decision without even consulting me about it.

Do you have children?

Since having children I have refused to leave my own home, for me Christmas is about the kids and I want to enjoy my day to the max and not spend my day visiting everybody. So I have an open door and everybody comes when ever they want. It does mean I spend my whole day cooking and serving drinks but I enjoy it.

I don't really consider 40 miles to be that far, it's close enough to be able to split the day. Eg you can spend the first half with one family and the second half with the other. Or you can just visit each for an hour or two in the morning and then come home to enjoy your first Christmas as a married couple in your own family home.
You're not obliged to spend the whole of Christmas day with your parents for the rest of your life.

KnittedJimmyBoos · 29/10/2014 12:40

No Its not unreasonable to expect your first xmas together as married couple after spending it in different locations!

Its a good time to start as well.

Perfect excuse for the families so they dont take it personally.

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