First married Xmas aibu?!

[Clarehol1]

Probably am being a bit precious.

Been with partner for 5 years. Getting married at beginning of Dec. we have never spent xmas together. We have lived together for 3 years but have always spent the day with our own familes, spending the bit before at mine and the bit after at his. Our families live about 40 miles apart, so not that far at all.

I emailed him at work a moment ago askjng what we would be doing at xmas and he suggested we do the same as we've always done this year and he'd actually only recently spoken to his mumabout it. This will sojnd awful but his grandmother passed away at the beginning of the summer and his aunts family will be spending the day at dps family. I totally understand that he wants to spend the day at his family as do i. Its his response that annoyed me..i would have appreciated skme discussion on this. He said, as blase as anything.."...maybe we could start alernating next year". WTF? Obviously. Cue email argument....

AIBU?

I emailed him at work a moment ago askjng what we would be doing at xmas and he suggested we do the same as we've always done this year and he'd actually only recently spoken to his mumabout it.

Email back, say you got your email all wrong and that actually you wanted to suggest spending it together this year as your going to be a married couple.

IE why ask him? Tel him.

Tbh I'm not sure how 'first married Xmas' is hugely relevant.

This is mine and dh's 'first married Xmas' but we've been together for 10 years and shared Xmas for a long time! Nothing essentially changes because you'll be married.

The first couple of years we were together we split and spent Xmas day apart, with our own families (his family was 200 miles away so no opportunity to split the day).

The next two years we alternated, went together to his mums and my parents.

Then we had ds1 and continued to alternate for 2 years.

Then we had ds2 and decided a lot of travelling on Xmas Day was a PITA and we wanted lunch in our own home with our dc, so for the past 4 years have spent Xmas at home and do our visiting on Xmas eve or Boxing Day.

Could you not invite both families to yours? Yanbu by the way.

I think when you are DH&DW you are one unit and when it comes to things like Christmas

I disagree. I think you'll become 'a unit' on Xmas day based on your relationship...I think whether you're married or not is irrelevant.

It took me 3 years of our relationship to get to 'that point' when spending Xmas day with dh was more important than spending it with my mum and sisters, meaning I was willing to alternate.

I think it's a point most people get to eventually, but that marriage has bugger all to do with it.

The OP needs to read what she wrote again. She opened the topic. He suggested ideas. There's the discussion.

Why get all mad?

I suppose it depends on the actual conversation he had with his mum. If it was her saying "you coming to ours this year, as usual?" and he said "oh, not sure, will have a word with clarehol and get back to you," then that's not so bad.

If it was "Mum and I have sorted Christmas, what are you doing?" that's not so good.

Why not start alternating this yer? Go to his parent's house this year?

Or perhaps you might start having Christmas in your own house and inviting them over?

YABU to have an email argument about anything tbh

As for the issue, you should have been clearer about what you wanted. You asked the question and he answered it. I doubt he'd had a big discussion with his mum. It was probably a low-key chat along the lines of 'what are you doing for christmas?' 'same as usual' 'ok'. Unless you'd discussed with him that you wanted this year to be different, I don't think it's that odd that he assumed you would carry on with your usual routine.

so YANBU to want to spend it with him or start a new routine because you're married but YABU to expect him to magically guess all that.

Why ask him? Tell him? Really? What sort of partnership is that?

YABU to have an email argument. Talk about it at home later.

I would do neither and celebrate together, visiting the families over the holiday period. Seriously you'll be saving yourself years of grief...

Firstly if you really would have 'appreciated some discussion on this' then why did you email him about it while he was at work?

Why not discuss it with him face to face?

Secondly he has only suggested that you do the same as always, he hasn't said 'we will do the same as always'

Surely that is how discussions start, someone makes a suggestion and you go from there.

Definitely don't start an email argument! Never ends well. Try to start a proper discussion with your DH.

We've avoided the whole issue this year as baby is due 23rd December so we're staying put!

Did you ask him what you would be doing or did you suggest talking together about what you would be doing? The first option puts the onus on him to make the decision.

It is really easy to misinterpret texts and emails, talk together about issues like this. It strikes me as though you didn't see yourselves as a couple; rather two people who were together in a relationship, but independent. Maybe your parents didn't mind that you came for Christmas separately because it had become the expected thing to do. Now that you will be married by this Christmas, you are viewing things differently, and so should the families, it would be odd to go to respective families separately.

Welcome to the world of trying to please everyone.

You've had lots of suggestions upthread for what you could do, perhaps write them out and discuss what you could do with DP. I think that sharing time with both families is perfectly possible given they're only 40 miles apart. I'm sorry that he lost his GM, but this shouldn't stop you both seeing both families.

So you asked him what he wants to do at Christmas and he answered. Then you got all upset because he hasn't talked it over with you. He has done, he told you what he wants to do. Now it's your turn to say what you want to do. Then you reach a decision that suits both of you. That's the way things work between adults. Or you could just take your toys and throw a tantrum. Your choice.