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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me, or is it her?

60 replies

MillieH30 · 28/10/2014 15:35

DMIL visiting; but staying elsewhere as we have no room. She visits me and DD during the day, and is pretty hard work as she is rather grand and very inclined to criticize everything andveveryone.

Anyway, I left her in charge of DD for 2 hours during nap time and...come back to find my fridge re-arranged with raw meat on the top shelf and cheese/ butter on the bottom. Through tight lipped smile, I say "thank you but actually it's the way I like it" and I actually cleaned and tidied my fridge yesterday because you were visiting. Later I quietly put it back the right way round.

Following day, DMIL left in flat again and...various of DD's toys (building blocks, Acquadoodle etc) have been moved round or hidden. DMIL confirmed they were deliberately hidden so DD can't play with them - because they are messy. Again, I explain that she's allowed the toys and I'm happy to tidy up. I ask her straight out to discuss any changes she wants to make to MY flat with me first.

Next day, I have a doctors appointment and ask DMIL if she can take DD for a walk - but give her keys so she can get into flat if necessary. I return more quickly than expected to find she's mid way through re-organizing fridge again, with DD -24 mnths - playing unsupervised next door. When I came in she jumped a mile and looked very guilty. When I asked her what she was doing, she took offense and left. she texted me later telling me she expected an apology for my "outburst".

AIBU or is she crossing a line? I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone in my home as I don't know what she'll get up to next.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2014 15:38

She sounds bonkers

But I don't understand why you left her alone in your flat, 3 days in a row if this is what she's like.

MarchEliza · 28/10/2014 15:40

I don't know why people are so keen to take control of every aspect of their families lives. To be honest, I thought that meat should be kept at the bottom of the fridge to prevent it from dripping onto anything else (could be wrong though.)

It is difficult because you rely on her for favours - I guess you just have to decide what you want - freedom from her micromanagement or free child care.

CantBeBotheredThinking · 28/10/2014 15:40

She is so far over the line that she can't even see it in the distance.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/10/2014 15:41

What does your DH/DP have to say about all this?
Does he pull her up on her behaviour at all?

And NYANBU at all.

She's crossed a load of boundaries right there.

You sound like you are being assertive so keep that going.
Challenge her on everything she does that you don't want her to do.

PixieofCatan · 28/10/2014 15:42

She sounds mad. I am amazed that you trusted her with the keys to get back into the flat on the third day though! I suspect it was one of those "Well, she wouldn't do it three times surely..." Moments though?

YANBU!

diddl · 28/10/2014 15:43

Good riddance!

What are you supposed to apologise for?

and everyone knows that raw meat goes at the bottom in case of drips!

Aherdofmims · 28/10/2014 15:44

I would do nothing.

Wait and see what she does when you don't apologise.

She is in the wrong to mess with your stuff. No need for you to apologise rather she should apologise for not respecting your wishes.

Why did you leave her alone in flat after the first time?

ILovePud · 28/10/2014 15:44

Very bizarre, she is crossing a line with the fridge thing alone, who does that? I don't think you owe her an apology unless there's a lot more to what you said to her than in your OP but anyway I think texting for you asking for an apology is bizarre in of itself. I would definitely stop leaving her alone in your house.

WillWorkForMoney · 28/10/2014 15:45

I wonder what goes through peoples minds when they do stuff like this.
"I think I'll re-arrange Millies fridge, I think she'll like it much better my way"
"Oh, I guess she doesn't like it my way but, what the hell I'll change it again, just incase she's changed her mind"

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 28/10/2014 15:45

It's her.

She seems to have some problems with boundaries. It's ok for you to rearrange your dd's stuff because your dd is a 2 year old. Your dm seems to think it's ok for her to arrange her dd's things when her dd isn't aged 2.

she is crossing a line
I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving anyone alone in my home knowing they would be going through my stuff, be it the mug cupboard or my knicker drawer, never mind who it was. So I wouldn't leave her alone there tbh and I would keep the visits to a time-limited minimum if they're draining.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/10/2014 15:46

Yeah - don't let her in your flat alone again. And who puts raw meat at the top of a fridge? www.food.gov.uk/northern-ireland/nutritionni/niyoungpeople/survivorform/dontgetsick/chilling

Davsmum · 28/10/2014 15:46

She has a choice - stop interfering in your home or don't bother coming round. Not difficult. Stay assertive.

sonjadog · 28/10/2014 15:46

I would ignore her text. Very odd behaviour by her.

TeaAndALemonTart · 28/10/2014 15:48

Mines the same. I once came home to find all my furniture had been rearranged. Apparently, she thought I'd agree her way made better use of the space.

I didn't

guitarosauras · 28/10/2014 15:48

I'd reply saying 'I've taken the piss the last few days using you for child care, why don't we do something nice together for a change'.

BiancaDelRio · 28/10/2014 15:53

She's bonkers.

That said, you keep relying on her for childcare. If it were me she simply wouldn't have had the opportunity to do any more of these bizarre and rude things after the first incident.

Do you have anyone else who can babysit? Who won't rearrange your fridge and look in your sex toy drawer?!!

Original poster

MillieH30 · 28/10/2014 16:46

I agree leaving her alone the 3rd time was stupid - but I had a doctor's appointment and didn't want to cancel. I thought a walk would keep her out of the flat, but underestimated the lure of my fridge!

She only visits once a year for a week (the rest of the time we're summoned to visit her), and it's the only childcare I get so I'd made some essential appointments. She said she'd welcome the time alone with her granddaughter .

DH thinks I'm being petty to object and says she was only trying to help. She called him as soon as she left, so got her version in first.

OP posts:

Charitybelle · 28/10/2014 16:47

Had a really witty response that my phone just erased Will have to just say 'it's not you, it's her!'

Next time you go to her house, I would make it my mission to rearrange every cupboard, drawer and fridge compartment. Only someone with a solid brass neck would call you out on it after this visit!

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 28/10/2014 16:59

Wtf is wrong with people? I can think of a million things I'd rather do if left alone in someone else's house than cleaning/tidying.

In fact I'd be most likely to fall asleep after reading all your post and rifling through any paperwork or diaries I could find but the point is, I wouldn't want you to know I was a nosy busybody. Who are these people that are quite happy for everyone to know they do this kind of shit?

(I wouldn't really go through your stuff, honest )

diddl · 28/10/2014 17:03

"DH thinks I'm being petty to object and says she was only trying to help."

Help? Help??

rearranging a fridge, how fucking useful is that?

Especially when you're supposed to be keeping an eye on your granddaughter/spending time with them.

If she's going to come again, get your husband to make a list of useful things she can do!

Momagain1 · 28/10/2014 17:09

Ask dh if he would find it helpful if someone from another office came in and rearranged his desk.

No sensible adult thinks it is helpful to rearrange someone elses home. No one would want it done, no one would do it. There MIGHT be a small bit of justification in putting a toy or two out of sight rather than deal with supervising a child's use of it. But not very many toys.

She either has really, really strange control issues, or this odd behaviour is an early symptom of dementia or other issues.

AMumInScotland · 28/10/2014 17:13

I think you need to deal with DH first. Rearranging your fridge once might count as trying to help. Doing it a second time, when you have quite obviously (while silently and politely) put it back how you want it it frankly a bizarre thing to do.

Nobody with a normal set of boundaries would do this. Even most people with an odd idea of boundaries wouldn't do this.

Is she starting to behave oddly in other ways? Is this a new thing? If so, I think you may need to consider whether there is something like dementia going on.

If she's always been this way, then dementia is less ilkely, but she is still behaving in a way that is not 'normal' for lack of a better term.

Whatever the reason, I think you need to rearrange things so that when she visits, you know she cannot be left in the flat unsupervised, whether that means you or DH or both taking time off work.

notagainffffffffs · 28/10/2014 17:17

Yadnbu! My exmil used to do this, reorganising cutlery, cereal etc etc so that exh could find his way around like he did at her house. Utterly bizarre, intrusive and controlling.

Corygal · 28/10/2014 17:18

MIL's loopy, but she's family, so there's no point kicking off.

And you are getting free childcare, so roll your eyes and think of the money you are saving.

ArabellaTarantella · 28/10/2014 17:22

What's wrong with your 2 year old (not 24 months!) "playing next door"? I presume you mean in the next door room, not in next door's house?

Apart from that, your MIL sounds bonkers......or OCD.

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