Is it me, or is it her?

[MillieH30]

DMIL visiting; but staying elsewhere as we have no room. She visits me and DD during the day, and is pretty hard work as she is rather grand and very inclined to criticize everything andveveryone.

Anyway, I left her in charge of DD for 2 hours during nap time and...come back to find my fridge re-arranged with raw meat on the top shelf and cheese/ butter on the bottom. Through tight lipped smile, I say "thank you but actually it's the way I like it" and I actually cleaned and tidied my fridge yesterday because you were visiting. Later I quietly put it back the right way round.

Following day, DMIL left in flat again and...various of DD's toys (building blocks, Acquadoodle etc) have been moved round or hidden. DMIL confirmed they were deliberately hidden so DD can't play with them - because they are messy. Again, I explain that she's allowed the toys and I'm happy to tidy up. I ask her straight out to discuss any changes she wants to make to MY flat with me first.

Next day, I have a doctors appointment and ask DMIL if she can take DD for a walk - but give her keys so she can get into flat if necessary. I return more quickly than expected to find she's mid way through re-organizing fridge again, with DD -24 mnths - playing unsupervised next door. When I came in she jumped a mile and looked very guilty. When I asked her what she was doing, she took offense and left. she texted me later telling me she expected an apology for my "outburst".

AIBU or is she crossing a line? I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone in my home as I don't know what she'll get up to next.

You're not being unreasonable at all. My MiL used to rearrange my cutlery drawer every time she stayed with us, tidy our bedroom and throw things out she thought were old or unnecessary.

I agree about not kicking off though, even though it can take the will power of a saint not to do it.

Why on earth do they do it?

Do they not realise that you are just going to put it all back the way you want it?

Is it a power or control thing?

Some people are weird.

I would not be apologising. What for? For not having my fridge the way someone else wants me to have it?

Bugger that.

Yanbu.

My mom is the same. My mil would.never dream of this sort of thing

"What's wrong with your 2 year old (not 24 months!) "playing next door"? "

well presumably MIL was there to spend time with her GD, not piss about with the contents of the fridge!

Notagain- that's awful. How did you deal with it?

I don't know whether this is in character for her - but just an extreme example, or possibly signs of dementia. It did cross my mind. She's always been very controlling, so the first fridge episode was in character. But doing it a second time was peculiar -even for her. Then the text; I just don't know what to make of it.

The irony is, that I'm not allowed in her kitchen at her house -even to make a cup of tea. She shoos me out like a child as I'm "a guest." I always buy bottled water and snacks for when we visit.

She called him as soon as she left, so got her version in first.

So what is her version? If it's that she was only trying to help, how exactly does she suggest it helped in any way for you to have your fridge rearranged from the way you left it?

Ask her How she would've reacted if her own MIL had done these things. It's bizarre behaviour.

Have you texted her back yet?

"Sorry I looked at you like you were bonkers when I caught you rearranging my fridge after I had asked you not to rearrange my fridge again."

Yes, I too immediately thought 'Is this the beginnings of some form of dementia?' I don't want to sound alarmist, but it could well be, as it's strange, illogical behaviour. Dementia can occur in fairly young folk, not just the very old. I'd keep it in mind OP.

notagain and screamer that's horrendous, how can you tolerate that, I'd have laid the law down there and then.

Millie Do you know what she's said to your dh exactly? Specifically, how did she justify her actions? That may shed some light on things. Make sure he fully understands that raw meat at the top of a fridge can drip onto other foods and cause some pretty ghastly illnesses for you and your daughter. No way was she being helpful by doing that.

I'm wondering about OCD, where people have a compulsion for something to be "right" like the arrangement of the fridge contents, and cannot leave it if it's "wrong" because they are overcome with anxiety.

My concern would be for her mental health, her behaviour is definitely 10 steps from any kind of acceptable. I'd also be concerned that she wasn't fit to look after your child as she's so engrossed in playing tidying games.

I ask her straight out to discuss any changes she wants to make to MY flat with me first

That's your first mistake. NOBODY has the right to make changes to your flat except you and your dh. You are essentially giving her permission and control to interfere in your life. All you need to do is be firm and assertive..."thanks for your help mil but my home is arranged to my preference and i would appreciate it if you could respect that. If you can't respect that then you will not be allowed in my home without supervision." Or something to that effect.

next time you visit her, i dare you to openly ignore her and go into the kitchen. when she challenges you, ask her straight to her face and in front of others why she expects you to abide by her rules in her home when she blatantly shows no respect for yours and thinks it's ok to ignore what you've told her and rearrange things in your flat.

Call her out on her behaviour. she is clearly a manipulative, passive aggressive, controlling cunt.

I would reply - no you are being strange and overstepping some pretty basic boundaries, which I am willing to overlook on this occasion however I expect you to understand that it never happens again and we can maintain socially normal boundaries within each other's homes going forward - that way we can just enjoy each other's company and time spent with dd. I certainly don't want an atmosphere - it is so unnecessary, us being adults and all.

This calls for some short sharp assertion. Tell DH there are lines and she crossed them but you'll deal with MIL directly. Tell Mil that your space is arranged as you like it and that in rearranging the fridge a second time she made herself look like a meddlesome old woman.

Vanity should prevent her from doing it again.

MIL has, over the years, done the following:
remade the bed to sheets she brought with her
rearranged my underwear (the nice stuff that was in a box at the bottom of my wardrobe because it didn't quite fit at the time after DD1's birth)
remade the DDs beds the second I walked out the door
rearranged DD1's bedroom
changed around the soaps and shampoos in the bathrooms
rearranged my cutlery drawer

I now hide the ironing when I visit so I don't get passive aggressive comments about how she should do the ironing and the tale of her having to iron DHs shirts when he lived alone

I also now have to have something in the oven/slow cooker before she arrives. Or else she comes in and starts cooking. Which sounds lovely except she cooks what she likes to eat, using the ingredients she likes... many of which would be dangerous for DD2 due to her allergies. Which means I have to make separate food for DD2, remember which plate has been used for what, etc etc.

It is all about control.

DH used to say she was just trying to help, and each individual action could be seen that way. But as a pattern, it was about doing things her way.

DH has now progressed to "she's used to doing things her way", and trying to distract her, or tell her directly. I suspect it's the closest he'll get to admitting she is controlling.

And who puts raw meat at the top of a fridge? I don't think it actually matters where it goes. All this 'put it at the bottom so it doesn't drip" stuff is balmy!

Raw meat isn't usually just left on the shelf, with no plate ... so I don't see how it drips onto anything. Surely the plate/bowl catches the drips?

Unless it is sharing the plate with another food, it won't be touching anything as the edge of the plate/bowl/container will act as a barrier to other food.

I don't have set places for raw meat in my fridge, it just goes where there is room. If it is in a container or on a plate, the germs aren't going to walk off the food and contaminate the other food, are they!

Urgh crazy lady

Until two weeks ago though my dp thought raw Meat was ment to go at the top of the fridge. Google proved him wrong

I'm a MIL and on the very rare occasion I'm alone in my DIL's house I wouldn't do anything other than make myself a cup of tea. I amazed at reading some of these stories about things your mothers-in-law do...!

I don't think it actually matters where it goes. All this 'put it at the bottom so it doesn't drip" stuff is balmy!

It is common knowledge [I thought] that meat at the top of a fridge is an issue. I haven't eaten meat for 30 years, and even I know that!

It's her.
Outrageous behaviour and I would also question mental health issues. Definitely don't apologise.
Lots of people manage without having anyone to look after their DCs though. It's hard but doable and preferable to having to put up with that kind of behaviour.

I expect it's her tbh. It's a bit inappropriate to rearrange someone's fridge contents, especially after they've asked you not to.
Maybe she sees it as a bit of "mothering".
The tidying away of toys wouldn't bother me.

Apologies for being presumptuous, but I did wonder if your challenging of her was more aggressive than you've described it, which might account for her being upset at your "outburst".

If i had family around who were involved with my children (a dream of mine) then I think I might be inclined to let a lot of stuff go tbh.
But overall, she appears to have crossed a boundary and I can see why it bothers you.

Its her. Raw meat goes on the bottom not that she should even be in there reorganising the fridge unless you said she could.

My Auntie would do this, but she is a classic Narc, so she does it because its what she wants and anyone elses opinions are totally irrelevant. Does that sound like your MIL ?

So many narcissists.
It is a worry.