To feel sad that I don't have grandchildren

[Vlorah]

I have two adult DCs, one is 36 in December, the other 34 in April.

Neither are married and neither have ever been in a relationship although the elder did have an on/off thing with a girl last year (more 'off' than 'on'.)

I just feel sad for then both and I know both would like to settle down and have their own families. But they don't seem able to meet people. I'm widowed so I do feel awful really that I have so few links to blood family.

I'd never dream of voicing it to them as they might not have wanted children - it's the fact they do and have not had the opportunity that breaks my heart for them.

Isn't it sad when people finally become grandparents, only for their children and grandchildren to up-sticks and go and live in Australia or New Zealand, or somewhere else far away.
They then become Skype Grandparents and only see and hold their children for real once every couple of years if they're lucky.

Yes, that's precisely what "D"B and SiL did to my parents, also depriving DS of ever knowing his cousins. I hate my fucking brother

Never mind, at least DS gets lots and lots of love and attention from my parents now! plus did I mention they've got another grandchild on the way that they don't know about yet?

TheRealThursdayNext , where on earth did the op say that having grandchildren was her right?

why is that old chestnut always trotted out on MN

is it too hard to feel some sympathy for the op when she says she cares about her children and their feelings? And for her to say she'd love grandchildren?

sheesh!!!

and stubbornstains, congrats!

Im 43 & in the run up to 40 all my male school class mates seemed to announce engagements. Every day i logged on to fb another one got off the shelf. At the 20 year reunion two years previously there was a lot of my class still or currently single. 43 year old men with toddlers and babies populate my fb page. My kids are 9&12

Ps and yaNbu. I already wonder if ill have gc. My son has autism. So pressure on dc1 to be a parent. Is autism in our genes? Will dc1 be scared away from risking parenthood? Questions that have passed through my head.

Oh stubbornstains come off it. People have emigrated to improve their lives since the dawn of time. At one time it meant losing all contact with your relations; then, for those who were literate (which was not all of them), there was seamail.

Now there is airmail, email, Skype, all the rest of the box of technological tricks. It is so sad that you hate your brother for wanting to do the best for himself and his DCs. Please, please, keep in touch with him and his.

And of course congratulations and about next on the way!

andrew, I agree that stubbornstains is being a bit harsh in her views on people emmigrating.
But she is right, in that emigration is VERY tough on Grandparents.
I know people bang on about Skype 24/7/
But it is NO substitute for seeing and holding your grandchildren in the flesh.

I see my Grandchildren about twice a week and I would be devasted if they announced they were going to live in Australia. I would be lying if I didnt.
I have two friends who's children and grandchildren emmigrated and it was very tough on them. In fact, I would say that it was similar to a bereavement.
Obviously they didn't try and stand in the way of a fantastic opportunity for their children.

OP, I have great sympathy with your position, you sound like a very caring mother.

You say that both your children have issues that have made it difficult for them to form relationship s. Are there any practical ways they could be helped in this regard, and could you point them in this direction?

Even if they are not able to have children in the next few years, you would be comforted by their having happy relationship s.

Vlorah, as others have said there is still lots of time for them if they are lucky enough to meet someone they want to start a family with.

Most of my friends are single, they also haven't met anyone to have a serious relationship with yet, in their thirties (33-38) and only 2 of my friends have children, one being a single mother. We're all different.

I am 36, married for 3 years and had a devastating recent missed miscarriage.

My mum is constantly on my back asking when we will have children and saying how "sad" she is that "you aren't pregnant yet" etc. For this reason I chose not to tell her about my mmc as it was too much added pressure. My mum already has my 2 gorgeous DNs from my DBro & SIL by the way!

Think of it from your children's point of view, they may feel terrible about their situations but are powerless to change it or they may be happy being single and not want children. I believe in destiny so comfort yourself with what will be will be and enjoy what you do have in the meantime.

Congrats Stubborn!

Thanks for the congratulations peeps....

Andrew don't worry, I don't hate my brother for emigrating. I've always hated him .

That's fine, stubbornstains, that's equal-opps hatred

Yes, I know my mother would be thrilled if I married and had children for her. When she asked me about it, I said I wanted a happy marriage, and I didn't much care if I gave birth to my child or inherited nonbiological kids - either way, I'm good. As long as my family likes me most of the time, I'm fine whether my genes are involved or not :) That was the wrong answer, lol. She wanted me to pass on my genes, and wanted me to want the "right" dreams, the ones she wanted for me - biological children, that is. And yeah, she's allowed to feel that way (although she isn't allowed to treat ME like a disappointment, she's allowed to be disappointed for me).

Given how complicated parent-child relationships are, it can get really confusing and messy about separating your own dreams from your kids'. Maybe they only want biological kids, maybe you only want biological grandkids, maybe their dreams have changed, maybe they haven't. It's completely ok to feel sad, and you sound like a caring mother....just know that sometimes we children tell our parents what they want to hear rather than what we really feel, just because it's easier that way, especially in areas of frustration and pain, like wanting a loving relationship.

The only other thing I can say is be careful about expecting your children's children to be like them, or be like you - even blood family can resemble "other people's grandchildren," simply because grandchildren can be completely different from their parents or grandparents. It may not be common, but it sure happens. Even getting grandchildren is a huge adjustment. My mother expected me, her daughter, to be similar to her...and instead she got a daughter who doesn't look like her and whose interests aren't too similar to hers. She was really angry at me when I was a child for not being her fantasy child, and it took us until I grew up to form a good relationship.

I'm 34 and have no intention to have kids

Tbh it would piss me off if my mum felt like you did. It would feel like I wasn't enough.

There's still time! Why aren't you discussing it with them?

My DH's parents begged him for GC for 10years, he was nearly 40 when we produced DS. For years they had worried about him living alone, not having a family, leaving it too late etc. Actually he was dating me on and off but we didn't tell them as we weren't ready to move into together or make a proper commitment until just before we conceived. We were leading independent lives, working in different cities etc until 2 months before I got pregnant. His parents were over the moon as they'd almost given up hope he would settle down and have a family! We are now very happy and planning DC2!

I suggest you talk to your DC about whether or not they want kids. You say they want to settle down, can you help them meet partners, eg go to social events with them, introduce them to friends' children? They might be dating and want a listening ear or a confidence boost. Do you think they are putting off potential partners eg can you help them dress better, act with more confidence, make better small talk?
My DH's mum went to great lengths to help make him more 'marriageable', giving him lots of advice about women, bought him new clothes and told him to get a new hairstyle! She kept urging him to get out and meet women and that he wasn't getting any younger. He found this all very amusing but knew it was because she cared and feared he would end up lonely, as well as her wanting GC. If she hadn't been so persistent DH would probably have wanted to wait another 5years or so before starting a family.

Don't be passive about this! Talk to your DC. If they do want to settle down and have children, help them achieve that!

hello, i am sad and a little angry and seem to have a deep empty hole around me because both daughters have decided no children, i dont know how to fill the void, anybody got ideas? i deffo dont want a dog!