Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel sad that I don't have grandchildren

64 replies

Vlorah · 28/10/2014 11:52

I have two adult DCs, one is 36 in December, the other 34 in April.

Neither are married and neither have ever been in a relationship although the elder did have an on/off thing with a girl last year (more 'off' than 'on'.)

I just feel sad for then both and I know both would like to settle down and have their own families. But they don't seem able to meet people. I'm widowed so I do feel awful really that I have so few links to blood family.

I'd never dream of voicing it to them as they might not have wanted children - it's the fact they do and have not had the opportunity that breaks my heart for them.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 28/10/2014 13:50

I have a lovely friend very similar.
Never had a long term relationship but desperate for a child.
She's doing it with a donor and AI!
She's gonna be a great mum.
Are both your DC men?

londonrach · 28/10/2014 13:51

Loads of time op. I had a friend who age 39 thought she never get married have children. Within a year she meet someone got married and had a baby boy. One year later she had another baby. Meanwhile in case your dc dont want children could you look around at your friends and see if someone out there would appreciate a loving adopted grandparent. growing i was lucky enough to have alot if adopted grandparents who i still remember fondly.

JessieMcJessie · 28/10/2014 13:57

I didn't meet my DH till I was 37, we got married last June and hopefully will have a child next year. I wish my Mum had been as concerned about you regarding my single status - all she did was tell me that my boyfriends weren't good enough for me and advise me to ditch them. (Until DH, she was right though! )

Do your children confide in you about their lives, do you live close to each other? Is it possible that they've had more relationships than they've actually told you about? I tended not to introduce my parents until relationships were quite established, so they might be out there having short term relationships/dates etc and you just don't know about it. (Also a very good friend of mine's parents thought that she had never had a boyfriend. In fact she had been seeing a married man for 20 years. She's finally sorted herself out and is getting married to a lovely single bloke at the age of 41).

It's a hard one, I thought for a long time that I was destined never ever to meet the right person and it made me utterly miserable, but I realised that it really does happen often and some people really do end up alone. On the other hand I know a lot of people who spent long long years single and then suddenly it all fell into place.

Do you think, objectively, that your kids are doing all the right things? Are they looking after their appearances, keeping fit, trying to enjoy life and getting out there and meeting people at activities, hobbies etc? If you do have a good relationship with them and it seems like they could do something different to find a partner, then maybe you can find a tactful, caring way to broach the subject - it's a real minefield though.

Original poster

Vlorah · 28/10/2014 14:01

What emotional state?

I suppose they could be lying to me. It would be strange but possible. It seems more likely they are telling the truth, though!

One of my children is female. I doubt she would want to go for AI.

OP posts:

confusedandemployed · 28/10/2014 14:07

I met my DP aged 36 and had my DD aged 39 and 11 months. Haven't given up on a second yet, although I'm not letting it take over my life.

I do know what you mean though. I have some good friends I've known all my life. Sister is 39 now, the brother 36. Neither have had any sort of relationship for several years, and I think both would really like kids - I know for a fact the woman does. I think their mother feels like you do and I think I would irrationally feel a bit like that if my DD leaves it as late as I did. I would be nearly 80 before I became a granny!

Original poster

Vlorah · 28/10/2014 14:08

The problem is, as I am 70, the chances of them having grandchildren and me getting to play any significant role in their lives are becoming less and less likely.

Both children are troubled to a certain extent I won't go into that but it probably isn't hugely likely they will meet anybody. Particularly in the case of DS (Aspergers only diagnosed in adult life.) DD objectively is more of a 'catch' but time is against her because of course she's female.

So while I do appreciate you 'never know' it isn't likely and that is a source of sadness.

OP posts:

TinyMonkey · 28/10/2014 14:15

My brother had a child at 47, I am about to have my first at 40 (after spending 5 years in my mid-thirties alone and deeply depressed about not having children after a longterm relationship broke down). I don't think my mum and dad ever thought they would have grandchildren, and I know that it caused them sadness - although they wouldn't have dreamt of putting any pressure on either of us.

There is plenty of time for both of your children to have kids, but if there are specific issues stopping them from forming relationships, and they are as unhappy as you think they are, maybe you could suggest they seek counselling of some kind?

Life is full of surprises though, I certainly didn't expect to have children after my last relationship ended, but when I was 37 a wonderful man came along out of the blue.

TiggerLillies · 28/10/2014 14:18

Tough one OP and I have sympathies for your situation.
I'm another one of these 'late bloomers', got married and having a baby and 35. All is not lost! I felt for my mother worrying about me as she knew I'd have liked a family but have always tried to make it clear that I'd rather no family than a miserable one and it pleased me when they saw successes in the small things of my life rather than worrying about what was missing - hope that makes sense!?
Had I not met my husband I would have adopted, and still planning to do so. It would make me happy to know that the adopted child was/is as equally loved as if it was a blood relation.

missbishi · 28/10/2014 14:21

I know both would like to settle down and have their own families.

I'd never dream of voicing it to them as they might not have wanted children
So have they actually told you that they want to have their own children? You seem to have a void in your life. If you are quite sure that grandkids will not happen then you owe it to yourself and your future happiness to consider something else to fill this void. You don't deserve to feel sad for the rest of your life.

stubbornstains · 28/10/2014 14:26

Several years ago my mum might have written the same post. 33 and 35 year old DCs, and nary a grandchild in sight....then she got 3 in 2 years! (and there's another one on the way she doesn't know about yet...).

DP's dad has no grandchildren, and his DC are 46 and I think 48.....but he has one on the way he doesn't know about yet!!

ChickenMe · 28/10/2014 14:29

Without putting pressure on your daughter, would you be able to chat to her about her hopes for the future?
I didn't meet OH till mid 30s, am pregnant now. My mum had no idea I wanted kids. She had never asked-I think she felt awkward to ask, esp as I grew up in the era where women were taught to aspire to be the PM-not a mum. Sometimes I could have almost done with someone to give me permission to actually admit I wanted to be a mum and sod all that career malarkey! I often felt I couldn't "own" that desire truly. It would have been welcomed if my mum had brought it up.
In a long winded way, it can help to ask difficult questions and see if your daughter wants to talk. It might help her to see clearly what she wants, too.

Andrewofgg · 28/10/2014 14:30

Join the club OP and it is not an all-female outfit. DS is single and so far as I know unattached, moved out, nice flat, earning well.

All my contemporaries have GC's, I'm a great-uncle by blood and marriage and I adore them both, but I want a GC of my own!

He;s only 29. Time yet. But I am not getting any younger!

JessieMcJessie · 28/10/2014 14:33

OP, I do feel for you and understand why you feel sad .

However I suppose that we all have to accept that life doesn't always follow the conventional patterns and try to find happiness in what we have instead of what we wish we could have had. I don't know if I will be able have children but we are trying and if I do then they won't have any grandparents on my side as both my parents have passed away, and they were both younger than you are when they died. That is a great source of sadness to me.

JessieMcJessie · 28/10/2014 14:37

chickenme are you me? ! I was actually encouraged to try to be PM by my parents! When my Mum was on her deathbed we talked about the future and I told her that I thought that DH was maybe 'the one" and that I hoped he might propose soon. She said to me "Oh, I didn't think you were interested in all that sort of thing". I had been desperate to find a husband for about the previous ten years!

Flangeshrub · 28/10/2014 15:18

I really understand and sympathise. I would very much like grandchildren and with 3 DC I very much hope I can be. In your situation I would feel sad and like something is missing. I suspect it's a similar feeling to secondary infertility. It took nearly 6 years to have DC2 and 3 and that strong desire to have a baby/child in your life probably exists in (potential) grandparents too, rightly or wrongly.

I think grandchild desire is very common and something that I know lots of women have.

I bet you regret your current good health is being wasted where you could be providing help and support and thoroughly enjoying a grandchild!

Grandchildren are such a blessing, my PIL and parents are filled with joy from theirs. I hope you and I are both blessed.

ILovePud · 28/10/2014 15:58

Haven't got any useful advice to add just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're in this situation and I can understand why you're feeling sad both for yourself and for your DC. I know you feel it seems unlikely to change but I hope that life surprises you on this one.

Marmiteandjamislush · 28/10/2014 16:30

Our local children's centre runs a family support group and a lot of older women with grown up children go there to offer advice and support to new Mums and Dads and to hold and cuddle babies/play with DC1's while mum's get to grips with BF and dad's chat and finish a warm brew and have lunch etc. Is there nothing like that near you?

ssd · 28/10/2014 16:55

I feel for you op, you sound honest and lovely.

Isn't it sad, my kids have no grandparents and theres you without grandchildren yet

Its a strange world

larry5 · 28/10/2014 17:51

I have three dcs, the two older ones are 40 and 38 and my daughter is 22. I do not have any grandchildren yet but my dd has told me that she wants children but not at the moment as she is building her career. She is engaged and wants to be married before she has children.

I understand about your feelings of wanting to be a grandmother as all my contetparies have grandchildren but I help at a toddler group and that at least lets me hold babies and play with children.

ginnycreeper5 · 28/10/2014 18:27

No, I don't want someone else's grandchildren, I want my own, my children's children.

Completely understandable.

ginnycreeper5 · 28/10/2014 18:31

Isn't it sad when people finally become grandparents, only for their children and grandchildren to up-sticks and go and live in Australia or New Zealand, or somewhere else far away.
They then become Skype Grandparents and only see and hold their children for real once every couple of years if they're lucky.

I know of a lot of Grandparents that this has happened to. they daren't say anything, because they want what's best for their dcs and gc.
It's still tragic though.

ginnycreeper5 · 28/10/2014 18:32

only get to see and hold their grandchildren once every couple of years, meant to say

foreverondiet · 28/10/2014 18:54

Do you think your children are sad about it?

Can you talk to them about it?

TheRealThursdayNext · 28/10/2014 19:00

YABU to say you 'feel sad that you don't have grandchildren' and then to go on to state that you want your children to be happy and fulfilled in their relationships. They are not the same thing.
You then go on to say ' The problem is, as I am 70, the chances of them having grandchildren and me getting to play any significant role in their lives are becoming less and less likely.' which comes across as you feeling sorry for yourself, rather than your children.
Grandchildren are not a right. It's great that you want your children to be happy, but you're focusing on the thing that affects you most, not them, which comes across as slightly self-centred. If there's a void in YOUR life you should try to find some way to fill it, and you've had some good suggestions. Voluntary work is another. I'm sure there are schemes in your area that involve contact with children. I hope your children find the right person to settle down with if that's what they want, but piling the pressure on to have kids, even if not voiced, won't help.

fourwoodenchairs · 28/10/2014 19:04

You sound like a lovely caring mother, who wants the best for her children.

Your feeling isn't unreasonable, it's a feeling.

They still have lots of time

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread