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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my dp should respect my values on this?

38 replies

shey03 · 28/10/2014 10:28

Quick one this time!

  1. My marriage ended due to exh infidelity
  2. My dp has a friend who has had an affair recently, leading to the breakup of his 2nd marriage, 1st ended because of same reason. In past my dp has told me 'funny' stories about these affairs, until I told him to stop as it upset me, being that I was in the wife's position once and probably being laughed at behind my back too.
  3. My dp is always asking that we do something with his friend, because he is such a great guy and 'always there for me' etc. I just ignore it and put it off as I don't wish to make an issue of it. I say, I'm totally fine with that, you can do whatever with him, but I do not wish to be around people like that.
  4. Had to spell it out this week and a rage ensued, that I was putting him in an awkward position, being judgemental, how would I feel if he didn't like one of my friends, what has he ever done to you etc... Tbh I would understand as I would respect his values/previous experience. I choose not to have friends who do not share my values.
  5. To stop the raging, I agreed to go and give him a chance. It's important for me that bf is happy, I never come in the way of him and his friends, BUT I think he should have just accepted, even respected my values on this. So AIBU - I can take it! Wink
OP posts:
UncrushedParsley · 28/10/2014 10:32

YANBU. At all.

ElleMcFearsome · 28/10/2014 10:35

I don't know Sad. One of DH's friends (female in my case) has a very...flexible attitude to people's relationship statuses and it doesn't seem to bother her whether or not someone is attached. I'm happy for DH to see her, and when it's unavoidable (i.e. would be obvious or cause offence if I was absent) I'll see her as well. But I'm not going out of my way to see her because I'm a bit Hmm about her value base and DH respects this. However, I don't have your emotional involvement WRT infidelity and I can see that this makes it harder for you.

None of which is very helpful to you - but I was trying to get round to saying is there a compromise? Can you see him as part of a group where you can basically avoid him on the agreement that you won't see him just the three of you? Or is that not possible? The bottom line is that you're not stopping your DP from seeing him, and that's the main thing, IMO. (However, I would be deeply unimpressed if my DH was telling me 'funny' stories about one of his friends infinitely knowing that I'd been hurt in the past. Glad you told him to stop doing that!)

BarbarianMum · 28/10/2014 10:36

YANBU at all.

I think it would be wrong to want your dp to give up the friendship, but if all you can manage is a distance politeness then that's fine.

ElleMcFearsome · 28/10/2014 10:36

Infidelity not infinitely...

HalfTheSky · 28/10/2014 10:39

YANBU (bit shocked that anyone would find stories about infidelity funny to be honest). You're not stopping DP seeing him, but I can understand you wouldn't want to be particularly close to him.

antarctic · 28/10/2014 10:39

You would BU if you asked DP to stop seeing his friend. But there is no reason at all why you should be forced to spend time with someone whose values you despise.

Unless he was family sadly

DoYouSmellParsnips · 28/10/2014 10:41

Of course he should respect your values, but you should also respect his friendship. Just because this person doesn't do the right thing in relationships doesn't mean he is the same with his friendships. Give him a chance. You don't have to like his decisions. Remember this person is important to your partner.

EverythingsRunningAway · 28/10/2014 10:41

I think it's fine to decline to have a relationship with someone whose behaviour you disapprove of.

You are under no obligation to spend time with this stranger just because your boyfriend likes him.

QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 28/10/2014 10:44

Yanbu.

Are you not more concerned that your new boyfriend clearly shares this mans values? He is showing you who he is now, so unless uou want a repeat, it might be wise go take heed!

TheLovelyBoots · 28/10/2014 10:44

I would not cut off a friend for having an affair so I wouldn't expect my husband to do so. If my husband wouldn't spend time with my best friend for this reason, I would be irritated but I would probably keep it to myself.

As we've entered into our 40's we've tacitly accepted the fact that we will spend time with people who we're not crazy about, by way of expanding job responsibilities and social circles and things that come with age. I took a harder line with things in my 30's.

Brassrubbing · 28/10/2014 10:44

Of course YANBU. I can't stand the word 'judgemental' being slung about as though it's some kind of insult - as someone living with the hurt and trauma caused by infidelity, you are absolutely within in your rights to judge, not to want your position as the betrayed spouse laughed at or belittled, or to socialise with someone who is unfaithful and appears to take the hurt he has caused very lightly.

Your partner should not put you under pressure to see this friend. In your position, I wouldn't go, and if would make it quite plain that while your DP us entitled to his opinion, you do not think this man is a 'great guy', and dp being put in an awkward position is as nothing to your desire not to be reminded of a bad time in your own life. The worst thing about your post is how your partner seems to be belittling your feelings.

TheLovelyBoots · 28/10/2014 10:49

The fact that he tells funny stories about it would throw up a red flag for me.

Aherdofmims · 28/10/2014 10:53

Yanbu. The best thing is he sees this friend without you. Then surely everyone is happy.

I do see friends who have done things I disapprove of but this is a personal choice.

Hasn't this friend heard that you can finish with a partner if unhappy before finding a new one?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/10/2014 10:59

"My dp is always asking that we do something with his friend"
That would bother me, since you've made it clear to him that you don't want to be around his friend ("I say ... I do not wish to be around people like that."). It's like he's asking you to accept his friend as your friend, and to somehow endorse his friend's behaviour. I'd be wondering what your DP's attitude was to infidelity, since he can tell 'funny stories' about it.

Basically, I don't think your DP shares your attitude to infidelity, and somehow thinks that if you see what 'a great guy' his friend is, your attitude will change. So no, he does not respect your values, he does not share them, and he's positive ambivalent towards infidelity.

polarpercy · 28/10/2014 11:17

YANBU and I understand your hurt and fear about being laughed about/talked about behind your back. The woman my husband cheated on me with mocks me, openly now, because I believe in monogamy and don't want an open relationship. Apparently I am uptight and that is why people cheat on people like me. I'm past caring about her views now though. I am sorry that you are stuck in this situation.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 28/10/2014 11:25

Have friends who have had affairs, the bit I wouldn't like is his funny stories, they are not funny. Me and my husband do discuss if someone is having an affair though- we wouldn't cut them off, partly because if we cut off everyone having an affair, we'd have hardly any family members left!

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 28/10/2014 11:30

We had a thread about this recently and the general consensus was that you shouldn't ditch a friend for being a big dirty cheat but I wouldn't be surprised if mumsnetters took the opposite opinion when it concerns your DP's male friend as opposed to the posters female friend.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2014 11:35

YABU. Seems as if you and your partner have such different ideas of what is a reasonable way to live your lives that you might be better off apart.

ILovePud · 28/10/2014 11:45

You aren't being unreasonable, you're not trying to stop your DH from seeing his (scummy) friend just saying you don't want to spend time with him. Your DH should respect this and stop trying to force the issue, you're a couple you're not joined at the hip I think it's healthy to some friends who you just see on your own. The 'funny' stories are insensitive and out of order too, has he taken this on board and stopped telling you them? PolarPercy sorry to hear what you've been through - what a vile woman.

dreamerdoer · 28/10/2014 11:57

polarpercy - What a truly vile and horrible woman. I am a big believer in the merits of responsible non-monogamy (i.e. the kind where everyone involved agrees to it and is happy with it), but there is absolutely nothing wrong in being monogamous, and it shows good self knowledge to be so clear on your own feelings on this.

I've met so many people who were really monogamous but pretended to be ok with a partner's cheating because they were afraid to be alone, or on the other hand who weren't really monogamous but felt they 'should be' and so kept making relationship promises and then breaking them... Much more responsible and honest to examine your own feelings on monogamy and be clear with them to others.

OP - it would worry me if my partner hung out with guys who 'normalise' cheating by making light of it like that. If I had a friend who cheated I wouldn't ditch them, but I'd make it clear I didn't think there was any excuse for their behaviour, and wouldn't want them talking about it around me. I would expect my partner to do the same (i.e. either change the subject, or call them out on poor behaviour).

HedgehogsDontBite · 28/10/2014 11:57

As some others have said, I think I'd be more concerned about your DP finding this guy's behaviour funny.

WalkingInMemphis · 28/10/2014 12:05

I do not wish to be around people like that

You sound...sanctimonious. And prim, and judgemental, and probably unreasonable too. Like you have a list of types of people you will deign to spend time with or not.

By all means, if you don't like someone, tell your dh that you don't want to spend time with them. Because of them, as an individual...not because in the past they've ticked one of your list of 'unacceptable acts' which means you cannot possibly mix with them. The guy cheated on his wife...unpleasant, but he's not a serial killer. God knows there would be a lot of isolated people if everyone refused to converse with anyone who had ever cheated on someone.

One of my dsis's mates is a (suspected..99% sure) thief. Always getting brilliant goods for 'a great price' followed by a wink....iyswim.

Anyway, I think she's a total bell end. Not someone I wish to spend my time with. So when my sister kept inviting her to tag along with us, I apologised to her and said I really wasn't keen on her friend, i'd rather she wasn't invited to everything. Which my sister gets, and respects. You don't like everyone, usually.

Had I grandly announced 'I do not wish to associate with that sort of person' with no other justification, I would not only have made myself look a twat, but my sister would probably have spent months trying to convince me what a lovely person she really was.

Brassrubbing · 28/10/2014 12:09

NeedaBum - no one has suggested the OP insist her DP ditch his friend, she merely, understandably, doesn't want to be forced into socialising with someone who will cause her pain because he appears to find his own infidelity a source of humorous anecdotes. There's no question of the DP not continuing the friendship, only that he should show enough consideration for the OP's feelings not to force an unwelcome friendship on her.

It's every individual's own decision whether or not to countenance a friend's infidelity - it's another issue whether you then have the right to insist on making that decision for someone else.

youareallbonkers · 28/10/2014 12:10

You are being unreasonable, it's nothing to do with you. If he had cheated on you, fair enough, otherwise no. Lots of people cheat or have cheated, I'm not saying it's right, just unavoidable. what would you do if your child cheated? Or a family member? Or your boss? It's none of your business

OneSkinnyChip · 28/10/2014 12:21

YANBU. I would not stop my DH from socialising with his friend if they were a cheat but I certainly wouldn't want to go and hang out with them.