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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my dp should respect my values on this?

shey03 · 2014-10-28T10:28:35+00:00

Quick one this time! 1) My marriage ended due to exh infidelity 2) My dp has a friend who has had an affair recently, leading to the breakup of his 2nd marriage, 1st ended because of same reason. In past my dp has told me 'funny' stories about these affairs, until I told him to stop as it upset me, being that I was in the wife's position once and probably being laughed at behind my back too. 3) My dp is always asking that we do something with his friend, because he is such a great guy and 'always there for me' etc. I just ignore it and put it off as I don't wish to make an issue of it. I say, I'm totally fine with that, you can do whatever with him, but I do not wish to be around people like that. 4) Had to spell it out this week and a rage ensued, that I was putting him in an awkward position, being judgemental, how would I feel if he didn't like one of my friends, what has he ever done to you etc... Tbh I would understand as I would respect his values/previous experience. I choose not to have friends who do not share my values. 5) To stop the raging, I agreed to go and give him a chance. It's important for me that bf is happy, I never come in the way of him and his friends, BUT I think he should have just accepted, even respected my values on this. So AIBU - I can take it! [wink]

38 replies

shey03 · 28/10/2014 10:28

Quick one this time!

My marriage ended due to exh infidelity
My dp has a friend who has had an affair recently, leading to the breakup of his 2nd marriage, 1st ended because of same reason. In past my dp has told me 'funny' stories about these affairs, until I told him to stop as it upset me, being that I was in the wife's position once and probably being laughed at behind my back too.
My dp is always asking that we do something with his friend, because he is such a great guy and 'always there for me' etc. I just ignore it and put it off as I don't wish to make an issue of it. I say, I'm totally fine with that, you can do whatever with him, but I do not wish to be around people like that.
Had to spell it out this week and a rage ensued, that I was putting him in an awkward position, being judgemental, how would I feel if he didn't like one of my friends, what has he ever done to you etc... Tbh I would understand as I would respect his values/previous experience. I choose not to have friends who do not share my values.
To stop the raging, I agreed to go and give him a chance. It's important for me that bf is happy, I never come in the way of him and his friends, BUT I think he should have just accepted, even respected my values on this. So AIBU - I can take it!

OP posts:

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 28/10/2014 12:37

my DH best friend had an affair with someone who was engaged, she went ahead with the wedding and continued the affair, a year in her marriage broke up no suprise and they got together. Its an odd relationship as they have separate homes in different towns, when he sees her its to the exclusivity of anyone else, he 'isn't allowed' to watch football or pursue his hobby, has to devote time just to her. she won't go out of her way to see his family or his friends. As its dh's best friend I thought I should include her but fortunately she is a stuck up madam and made excuses not to come when invited so now I simply say to DH that i will never invite her again. I feel very differently to his BF too, lost all respect for him even though I still have to see him cos of DH but I no longer go out of my way to include him. so whilst I agree with youareall it does have an effect on how you feel about people and if you lose respect for them it inevitably changes how you feel about them.

Davsmum · 28/10/2014 12:46

YANBU
My DP would refuse to socialise with any friend of mine that he disliked or who he had a problem with, he could not be that two faced - and I doubt I would make an effort for any friend of his that I disliked too!
You do not have to socialise with friends together.

QuintessentiallyGhoulish · 28/10/2014 13:46

WalkingInMemphis, just wait. I am sure your sister will see it differently when she is caught shoplifting together with Her friend. Hopefully the police will believe her if the friend has enough moral compass to say that your sister had nothing to do with it.

carlsonrichards · 28/10/2014 13:59

You are not under any obligation to give anyone a chance. Why placate him at the expense of what you feel strongly about? It's not like you forbid him to see the guy.

This guy sounds like a dickhead.

OOAOML · 28/10/2014 14:32

If you don't like this guy, don't be pushed into spending time with him. If your husband wants to, fine. My husband and I both have our own friends, and are happy to socialise separately. Actually I prefer it, as we have our own interests and the other would probably end up bored. Although we don't get out much anyway, what with work and children.

BarbarianMum · 28/10/2014 14:32

Don't agree at all Memphis You can't just separate the way a person behaves from their character. We had a totally charming neighbour when I was young - totally charming out of the house but an alcoholic wife beater inside it. He was scum in a shiney wrapper and we didn't invite him over for a BBQ however funny and generous and community-minded he appeared to be.

dreamerdoer · 28/10/2014 15:41

You sound...sanctimonious. And prim, and judgemental, and probably unreasonable too. Like you have a list of types of people you will deign to spend time with or not.

I have a list of the type of people I hang out with too, its a very short list, it simply consists of 'nice people' . Why would anyone hang out with people that they didn't like? Life is far too short to waste hanging out with jerks.

Now everyone makes mistakes, but there is a huge difference between hanging out with someone who screwed up and made a mistake and hurt someone, but realises it was wrong, and hanging out with someone who tells 'funny stories' about their infidelities.

cingolimama · 28/10/2014 16:31

I agree with Memphis. Sorry OP, but you do sound sanctimonious. By all means, don't hang out with someone you dislike, but it's got nothing to do with "your values".

Crinkle77 · 28/10/2014 16:36

Why can't your husband just go out with him on his own? With regards to your disapproval of his cheating, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors so I would try not to judge. Just bite your lip and be polite for the sake of your husband.

flaneurieandme · 28/10/2014 16:50

DH has a friend who has cheated on every woman he has ever gone out with. They have been friends since college and are in the same social circle so for me to avoid him entirely would be more trouble than it's worth.
Initially I didn't understand how DH (who feels very strongly about fidelity and honesty in relationships) could be friends with someone like that. His response was that he doesn't agree with the way his friend conducts his relationships but that it's his life and DH doesn't see it as of his business. I don't go out of my way to spend time with this bloke but I am happy to be pleasant and make an effort for DH's sake when our paths do cross because I know that DH would do the same if I had a friend he wasn't keen on. What I do find very difficult is when I end up having to make small talk with his latest girlfriend at parties or whatever and I can tell the poor girl is completely besotted and has no idea what he's really like . Having said that, if I was in your position OP and had been cheated on previously I would probably find it much more galling.

TheJiminyConjecture · 28/10/2014 17:13

DH has a friend who is everything I wouldn't want in a partner (strip clubs/casual attitude towards the sex industry/wandering eye etc etc) and thankfully everything DH isn't. However, he has been the most reliable person in his life (terrible family) and they are as close as brothers. I know that the best friend is a terrible partner but as a friend he's bloody marvellous. I would never set him up with a single friend but I don't mind him as a person taken at face value. I wouldn't know what he was really like if DH hadn't told me (Could have made a fair guess) but I try and judge him on what I see now and how much he cares about DH. I hope that makes sense!

carlsonrichards · 28/10/2014 22:50

This man isn't her husband. She refers to him as her boyfriend.

sykadelic · 29/10/2014 20:03

Damn some people in this thread...

No, YANBU. It's your opinion, your feelings, you're entitled to them.

Call me sanctimonious, I don't care because it is perfect okay to decide not to associate with someone who displays thoughts and values that aren't similar to your own... that's how people find friends! There are some "deal breakers" and there are some things you're okay with them doing but wouldn't want to do yourself or around you.

FWIW I don't think the OP is upset about the cheating alone, it's the way this guy laughed about it, the "funny stories"... shows what sort of person he is. Given she's been cheated it's understandable she's have a "no happy cheaters" policy about her friends... so she doesn't need to have her P's friend as her friend.

There's very little point in the OP going to this thing with the friend... I think the night would suck because you REALLY don't want to go. You don't have to do ANYTHING to "make the bf happy" if it means it makes you unhappy.

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