to dread empty nest syndrome?

[ssd]

I know this sounds pathetic and I know I should be filling my life with a great career and loads of hobbies, but I haven't. I work but its pretty menial and I haven't been able to find anything else. I don't have hobbies, I'm happy meeting a friend for a walk and a coffee, anything else is just a big hassle. Theres nothing I'm itching to do, I just like being a mum and looking after everyone (that sounds so sad). I gave up work for a few years and looked after my old mum and now I can't get back the job I'd like or the enthusiasm for it. My life revolves round the kids (both teenagers).

Tonight ds1 told me he wants to study away somewhere and live outside the home. I know this is perfectly normal and what I want for my kids, I never want to stifle them or make them feel they have to hang around with me forever. I left home at 18 and travelled for years, I know what its like to want freedom.

BUT!!! I don't want them to go! I have no other family, just them and dh, parents dead, relatives 100's of miles away. For so long they've been my life and knowing it'll change some day upsets me and makes me feel a bit desperate. Mad I know.

Please dont tell me I'm a loser, I'm just a normal mum who want her kids close and wishes she could keep them here, not forever but until I'm ready for them to go ok forever then

I share your pain. Just put a tearsoaked thread on in similar vein this afternoon: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2219966-DS-20-not-coming-home-for-Xmas-Grip-needed?

You aren't a loser, I have quite a busy life but desperately wish that my son wanted to see more of me than he does. I barely ever ask him to come down/meet in his Uni town as it makes me feel needy.

We were so close.

I think you sound so lovely

Don't feel being a mum and enjoying it is something you should shy away from and be worried about being deemed a loser. You love your kids: they've been your priority. That's all.

Trust me they will still need you - in a different way - but the security they've had with you possibly has given them that foundation to branch out. You should be very proud!

I wonder if you might consider fostering, even short term? It does pay and you just sound so nice! But it isn't for everybody.

YABU a little bit but I completely understand where you're coming from. Do make sure they feel happy and eager to fly the nest, secure in the knowledge that they can come home whenever they want. Anything else is just daft and will damage you and them in the long run. You have much to contribute and there are plenty of others who could benefit from your care and attention (while you wait for the grandchildren to come along…)

gosh, I've got a lump in my throat, thank you all so much!

this is making me think, I'd like to look into volunteering with the elderly in the years to come, as I said, I looked after my old mum and I dread to think what would have happened to her if I wasn't there and I know there are many many old folks with no visitors and I'd love to be a befriender (my mum had one). But this is something I'll do in the future, I lost my mum a couple of years ago and I haven't got over it yet and am not in a good place to volunteer yet, but I know I will be one day.

thank you for only one YABU

It was the hardest part of my life when my last youngest left home. I didn't know what to do with myself! Now, I LOVE having the house back to ourselves most of the time. I found when my lot moved out each one of them tended to forget about me for around 8-10 months. I never crowded them at this time, they were off having fun just as I'd done at their age. I worried myself sick but came to a point if I hadn't heard anything they were alive.

You're not a loser at all. It's bloody hard at the time. I've still got brilliant relationships with all four of mine but it did take a lot of teeth grinding and biting my lip to get here.

As someone said earlier on the thread they still need you, just in a different way. The way I looked at it was it's a new chapter in my life starting. I had been childless, then had my kids, now I have the best of both worlds, my pre children freedom back and my kids still in my life. DH and I have a new found freedom not that we've had sex in every room or run from one end to the other end of the house naked or anything.

I always find it helps to imagine that the DC hadn't managed to get to uni and move on in their chosen direction, how much more would that have hurt. Know what you mean though, after two uni courses, DS has just started his first job, is LOVING living in London and although this will always been 'home', it won't be Home for him.

Hard to let go though.

It's all about adjustment which is not always welcome. However, try to just enjoy life. What about starting a hobby and joining classes. Painting is a great challenge and you meet people who share your interest. Fill your time with interest before the youngsters grow into adults and produce grandchildren. Imagine how lucky those little ones will be with a granny like you and if you have mastered the drawing and painting you can be like me and cover your walls with them at every stage of their development. ENJOY and don't waste your talents on missing something which hasn't really gone, just changed.

I think all parents sometimes dread the day they have no children living at home. My mum wept when I went travelling, when I went to Uni and when I got married and left again!

It's really important that you look upon it as a new chapter, with loads of positives. My mum devoted her life to looking after us all and I see she has not much to fill her days now, apart from my dad. My mil, on the other hand, has so many hobbies and interests she barely has time even to babysit.

I know which one I would rather be.

I'm very lucky that my daughter is still living at home at the age of 23, but she said today that she can't wait until Christmas is over and she can start looking in earnest for a place to live and work on the outskirts of S.E. London, (we're on the East Sussex coast). Understandably she feels that now is not a good time of year, but is looking forward to being independent.

She'll have to look for a house-share as well as a job, so it's not going to be easy. If she can get a transfer with her current employer (Sainsbury), that will make it a bit easier and she can always look for another job once she's settled with a decent place to live. To say I'm dreading her going is an understatement. I suffer from depression as it is, but I have a lovely husband, so I'm sure I'll survive. It's my daughter's happiness that matters.

Fortunately we all get on extremely well. That certainly wasn't the case for me and I left home for London at the age of 16 ( after a short spell in a psychiatric hospital). I'm 60 now and my husband's 68 so you can imagine our daughter is keen to fly the nest. I have to keep reminding myself that we will actually see her again after she's left home. As she said "I'll only be 2 hours away".

sunnydee, thanks for that link, I read it all!

I agree with posters saying I need to get some hobbies, or something, but honestly I've never been one for hobbies, I don't seem to be a person who does these! I love reading, I love meeting girlfriends and chatting, I loved looking after mum but she's gone now, I just feel a bit rootless and the thought of the kids leaving panics me a bit, probably my current family situation doesn't help.

how about getting pet to look after? also voluntary work is a great idea

Gruntfuttock, my dc's happiness is what matters to me, when they are happy I'm happy. I agree with you.

I read somewhere that kids these days live at home longer due to high rents and I thought YES!!

its a hard one, isnt it..

yes maybe a dog is on the cards, though the dc's would go mad, they are desperate for a dog and I keep saying no, if we get one when they eventually go they'll never forgive me!

I'm the opposite... Am looking forward to uni for dcs and me starting a whole new phase of my life.

Yes dreading it too, OP. I have three DSes-should have had ten, that would have delayed the process a bit

I'm just like you, I went back to work a year ago through necessity rather than a yearning to fill my days. My ds's are teens and ds1 left for uni in September.

I love being at home, pottering, seeing friends' and taking time to prepare meals .We've just done a run of uni open days for ds2 -17, I'm filled with dread at him leaving too.

God help ds3 , when he plans to leave I'll be pinned across the door of the car screaming 'don't go', someone will havee to peel my fingers from around his ankles!

Yes, with London prices, including in the suburbs, so astronomical for even tiny properties, even the rent for a house share is going to be a bit of a shock I think, and possibly not even affordable. Because she's not been able to get more than a part-time job, as this is an extremely deprived area of East Sussex, we've not taken any money from her for her keep and she's very good at saving fortunately. I would be so sad though, if she went through all her savings rapidly once she's left home, as would she.

She loves to travel abroad, so tends to save her money most of the year and then spend several hundred all at once on trips to places such as New York, Rome and Paris. Not having any money to travel would get her down.

YANBU - I dread DD leaving but think DH will find it even harder.

OP I am a long way from this situation myself (my youngest is only a toddler!) but I can really imagine how hard this must be. I'm a SAHM currently and can't imagine my home without my children in it, even though I know that ultimately that's what will (and should) happen.

As others have said-you sound so lovely, and as being a mum has brought you so much joy would you consider working with other children? Someone mentioned fostering, would you consider that or maybe childminding? I know of several mums who went down the childcare route when their DC had left home. (A childminder friend of mine - who is brilliant at it - cheerfully admits that her mindees are her 'surrogate grandchildren' until her DC get around to providing her with any ). Or could you volunteer with Homestart? They work with young families offering support and help to people that need it. Might be worth considering, anyway.

- and YANBU.

OP, you know how unreasonable you're being, and you've said yourself that what your son has announced exactly meets your hopes and expectations for him.

What worries me about your post is how you sound as if you've entirely given up on yourself, your interests, work, and any sense of a potentially interesting life as distinct from caring for dependent family. I. Going to go against the grain and say that I'm nit so sure it would be a good idea for you to fill your future life with looking after other people as a carer or befriender, because it continues your own idea about yourself, that you only really exist in other people's happiness. You had a life before having children, anD you'll have one after they've become independent adults - could you retrain in a field that interests you? Why do you say that any way of passing the time other than meeting a friend is 'too much hassle'?

Aargh, typos. Also, OP, I'm not unsympathetic. My son is a toddler, and we're just about to stop co-sleeping, and DH and I realise the reason we keep putting it off is that actually we like having him in our bed. Perhaps I'll be equally devastated when he announces he's going to live in New Zealand.

YANBU!!!

Transition time up ahead, bound to be bit of a bumpy ride, but the bumps will lessen and the road will smooth as you settle in and enjoy the scenery.

You don't know yet, what's ahead for you, in terms of your own interests and evolution, the next phase is unknown, but change you will, as change you must, and new shoots grow after a fallow period,

Take it easy, lovely lady, give yourself a break and let your new self emerge!

Ssd great post. I think there are loads of us who perhaps never got on the career band wagon but had kids and genuinely loved being mums. I'm one. Did a thread a bit ago about DD1 going to uni, us all being super excited and the it all just going really wobbly as she was going. She is 8 weeks in. Got a job she loves part time, absolutley loving the course and .....due to pop home this weekend. We both kind of went is it a good idea?..We've both had a laugh as she's now ecstatic .with her course which means she's properly busy..her words ....with the course, dead happy, at her own space and the only real thing she wants to do. I agree I feel bit weird as DS has zero intention of studying away from home but and its a massive but...he will leave at some point. I work but am really realising I need to fill the time outside of work where kids who almost suddenly don't fill your time. I went back to church recently and was amazed how quick you get back into that and how welcoming that community is..can you do that? Where I live a bus picks up Sunday's to go walking ? Anything like that?

Also libraries ...can you offer time to help?

The best thing I did for me when I realised EVERYTHING had changed was go to a local place the kids adored being as youngsters, that I loved, but that they were really arsey about as young/ mid teens. I cycled there, had a lovely m&s picnic with a single glass of vino bottle, sat for As long as I wanted, chatted to loads of single cyclists who love chatting , and wandered home slowly . It was a start. I wasn't frazzled with tired kids but I watch ed the frazzled parents and thought, I've been there....and it all works out. Love some time alone....have confidence you've done a fantastic job. They'll be back soon enough for childcare ...

I must be the odd one out here. Love the freedom of the dds being away most of the time and can't wait until Ds is old enough to spread his wings too. Great to see them creating new lives, new friends, new loves and ...prepare to be shocked...I don't miss them that much! They keep in touch, and its lovely when they all reappear from time to time but give me an empty nest over a crowded, demanding one every time.
Dd1 is currently in Spain...or Norway.. one of the two, and in the last Skype said she will be home "whenever". Suits me. I'm proud I have reared confident,independent youngsters who can all travel, cook, do their own laundry and not get pregnant!