to dread empty nest syndrome?

[ssd]

I know this sounds pathetic and I know I should be filling my life with a great career and loads of hobbies, but I haven't. I work but its pretty menial and I haven't been able to find anything else. I don't have hobbies, I'm happy meeting a friend for a walk and a coffee, anything else is just a big hassle. Theres nothing I'm itching to do, I just like being a mum and looking after everyone (that sounds so sad). I gave up work for a few years and looked after my old mum and now I can't get back the job I'd like or the enthusiasm for it. My life revolves round the kids (both teenagers).

Tonight ds1 told me he wants to study away somewhere and live outside the home. I know this is perfectly normal and what I want for my kids, I never want to stifle them or make them feel they have to hang around with me forever. I left home at 18 and travelled for years, I know what its like to want freedom.

BUT!!! I don't want them to go! I have no other family, just them and dh, parents dead, relatives 100's of miles away. For so long they've been my life and knowing it'll change some day upsets me and makes me feel a bit desperate. Mad I know.

Please dont tell me I'm a loser, I'm just a normal mum who want her kids close and wishes she could keep them here, not forever but until I'm ready for them to go ok forever then

Lovely post Sunbury. My DD is back home for a bit after graduating but I know it is only a matter of time before she unfurls her wings and flies off again. I still have DS who is 16 for a couple of years but I cannot imagine having neither of them at home.

DH cannot get his head round it at all. He keeps trying to plan holidays and days out for all four of us and gets very upset when one or both of the DCs don't want to come or can't because of work or educational commitments. (DD can't have leave during school holidays).

Everything will be fine. Grumpy morose husband included who I presume will unfurl back into a handsome middle aged lothario change is hard but it's how you manage it.

Reality is if he doesn't there's loads I think canstart to do. Relate/Samaritans, libraries , schools all love good decent useful volunteers. Wander to your local pool, gym, lots of similar people just needing a chat. You don't need to swim miles just hover around after each length or so. If finances permit book a trip to Rome. Bag a table at various times of the day for breakfast, coffee, lunch, mid afternoon Prosecco and dinner...all alone and you'll never be lonely

thanks so much for all the kind replies!

I know my current thinking is a bit extreme and needy, but I know its all wrapped up with losing mum, for so long I looked after mum and the kids then all of a sudden mum has died and the kids are getting ready to spread their wings and I'm feeling lost. But you've all given me food for thought, so thank you

OP-may I ask how old you are?

My kids are teenagers too and will soon be flying, and although I will miss them I don't worry how I will fill my time. I have loads of projects and ideas, some money earning, some just indulgent.

I wonder if those of us who were late to motherhood fear the empty nest less?

Having a child at 19 or 20 means that a woman has not had much experience at being a child free adult so perhaps fear it more?

I was 39 when I had my first child so am very aware of what adult life without children is like and how fulfilling life can be.

Just a thought.

I'm 48, had the kids in my early 30's

I had a great life before them, travelled a lot and worked in other countries, lived myself in my own flat, holidayed and had fun....maybe I need to remember that more. When I think of those days I kind of feel sorry for myself, as I didn't know the kids then

I know, pathetic....

It's not pathetic at all!

This will be me in three years, when DD2 goes wherever she ends up going. DD1 went off to uni last month (sob!!) and DS will go in a year. I'm thinking about this a lot now, the future is looming very large and I'm trying to be positive but it's hard. I do work full time and that will help a lot.

Take care OP.

Well my two teens will be off in a few years and I am ok with that.

I've been doing the every other weekend off post divorce for five years now with holidays with their Dad and I think that's given a good grounding in life without them living here.

Actually at the moment I'm quite looking forward to not being a parent as in them living at home etc I've been doing it for 18 years now and it's time for a change !!

Fat chance of empty nest in my house!!ddx 2 have left home but live nearby and vist very weekwend with my GDC & their partners, DS moved out in jan so had 'peace'for 5 months, then moved back, along with gf, (who doesnt live with us but is constantly here), on top of that we have DSD every weekend from Fri to Sun, - Dp and I both work full time, and never get time alone- so even when/if Ds moves out again, I know it will never be 'empty nest ' as they keep coming back to visit, with partners, babies etc- Ive been a mum since 18 and now a Gran, Im only 47, when will it ever be an EMPTY NEST??

I maybe think different to you OP- but I cant wait for some peace, but I have been a mum all my adult life, never not been responsible for kids, now ive got DSD and Grandkids too, !!! love them all, just hard work and no down time!

DD left for University this year. We are very close as it has just been the two of us since she was a baby. It is what I want for her, I'm proud she is independent and capable and confident (I did that :) ) and that she feels able to volunteer in Thailand next summer just confirms this.
BUT - it didn't stop me crying in the car after dropping her off (all smiles while she could see me - didn't want to upset her!) and having lots of wobbles since. I know exactly how you feel. I agree with other posters, though, that you need to find the old you again - don't write yourself off, try to start a new phase of your life. Good luck!

?It sounds as if nurturing is your vocation, could you find some work paid or unpaid which makes use of those abilities? ?

OP you sound lovely. As you say, you know that you’re being unreasonable, but it’s a natural reaction to having been the person who's kept everyone going for so long. When my DC were leaving home I felt much as you do, but tried to keep in mind something that my Mum had told me, ‘Open your hands and let them go – and they will always return’. My DC live at opposite ends of the country, but they keep in touch (phone, skype, text, the dreaded FB, etc) regularly – so if you don’t already use these things, make sure that you know how to before they leave (maybe get them to teach you?)
You sound as though you have a LOT to give to other people – maybe helping at your local Food Bank, volunteering at a luncheon club (for either elderly people or for the homeless), delivering meals on wheels, accompanying people to hospital appointments....??? Wherever you live, someone is just waiting for you to help them – you will be welcomed with open arms. Good luck

thank you so much everyone

I think people underestimate how much of an adjustment it is! The university years are a constant to and fro and I think that prepares you My ds is Yr2 and I am so much happier this year than last. It feels natural EVENTUALLY and is even nice at times but you do have to make the effort with your own life and revisit who you were.