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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DH over his working hours

29 replies

EEVEElution · 27/10/2014 17:01

Very tentatively posting on AIBU, please be gentle.

I'm having a rough time of it atm, I have a 6 month old DD and I've been very poorly the last couple of days, nausea, queasy stomach and headaches.

DD is very demanding, I've listened to people saying it will get better but it has only got harder. She is adorable and my whole world but she never wants to be apart from me, I have to listen to her screaming whenever I need to use the loo or shower. Her sleep had gotten worse, she used to sleep through in her cot but now won't go in it so she's in bed with me, and wakes every 2 hours or so. Requires a huge performance getting her to nap, normally have to walk her in the sling or cuddle up next to her and feed her to sleep.

DH is working all hours, he's frequently been in on the weekends, yesterday he left at 3am to go into work and wasn't home till 8pm. I've been asking today if he can leave early to help me as I am poorly and struggling and hasn't been responding to messages, rang him just now and said he is leaving at 6 and I'm ashamed to say told him off.

AIBU to think he should stand up to work a bit as they are being a bit OTT about expecting him to work so much? And I am struggling with DD by myself, I never seem to get a minute to myself. He says after this weekend it will calm down as that's when a big project reached it's conclusion but to be honest I've heard that before.

On the other hand I feel bad for moaning as I'm not working currently so he's the only breadwinner at the moment.

OP posts:

badgersandrabbits · 27/10/2014 17:08

I think a lot depends on what he does but I think I'd tend to say (with great sympathy!) you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry!

Venticoffeecup · 27/10/2014 17:12

For what it's worth, my DS was very similar to your baby and for me it didn't get better until he was about 1. I don't say that to discourage you, but simply in the hope that you don't feel dispirited that your baby isn't magically amazing and easy at 6 months.

One way I got a bit of time to myself was to put my DS in one of those old fashioned bouncy chair/rocker type things. I'd bounce/rock him with my foot while I sat on the sofa and read a book or used the computer. I even watched the TV with the subtitles at times if he was really noisy.

In terms of the situation with your DH I'd tread carefully. It might genuinely not be easy for him to get time off of work. Standing up to them might mean losing his job.

I'm not saying that I think his work place are being reasonable. No one should have to work the hours you are describing, however his workplace don't have to be reasonable. They can be utter meanies make his life really awkward if they want to.

However the two of you probably need to sit down and talk about his work situation and see if he can possibly find a job or workplace which is more family friendly.

Can you possibly afford a little help, even a few hours a week?

ILovePud · 27/10/2014 17:13

I don't think YABU, his being out means that the care burden is falling on you - you need a break too. I don't know if you're on Mat leave or have given up work but what would he do if you were working, he'd have to be more boundried with work. Hope you're feeling better soon.

LadyLuck10 · 27/10/2014 17:17

Sorry but if he is the only one working and especially on an important project he can't exactly drop everything.
Presumably it's not fun for him to be called in at 3am?

Notmeagain1 · 27/10/2014 17:18

It does get better. Your just poorly right now and your dd is probably teething too.

Do you have any family close or a close friend that can help you get a break? It sounds like you OH has a stressful job and is working ridiculous hours right now and you need some outside help.

I hope you are feeling better soon, but I do think you are being a little UR...

OldRoan · 27/10/2014 17:20

YANBU.

My DP works incredibly long hours. If we ever quarrel it generally boils down to me telling him that him being stressed at work doesn't give him the monopoly on feeling stressed. It isn't mutually exclusive, and nothing annoys me more than trying to say "I've had a tough day" and getting "YOU'VE had a tough day?! All you've done is xyz, I've had to blah blah blah." I don't know how you could get it to change though.

Don't put yourself down. You say you're "not working" at the moment, but you're hardly sleeping until midday and then going to get your hair and nails done whilst your DH is working. You're not earning, but you're doing a really tough job and you're having to do it with less support than you might reasonably expect.

Original poster

EEVEElution · 27/10/2014 17:21

He works in finance, it's a foreign company which is why he went in at silly o clock in the morning yesterday, so he could co-ordinate with the overseas branch which is in a different time zone. He's been going in quite often at weekends, normally says he'll only be there for a few hours but ends up being the whole day.

I'm not sure if we could afford help as his salary isn't that generous but they did give him quite a nice bonus last year which is probably why he doesn't want to rock the boat! I am a member of the local gym though so I leave dd in the crèche for an hour once or twice a week to go swimming, she has an almighty strop when I leave but she always seems happy playing when I get back.

Think I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed cos I'm feeling so rotten atm :(

OP posts:

Magpiemystery · 27/10/2014 17:21

It's shit when your dh works long hours (mine does ALL the time) but if your dh is kind and attentive etc when he isn't working then I think YABU.

Company's don't care what is going on at home in an ideal world they would but they don't and unfortunately if your dh refuses those hours then there could well be someone snapping at his heels who will.

Unfortunately it's the culture at some work places, and if he's paying all the bills at the moment he's probably feeling enough pressure.

Sorry to be harsh.

theposterformallyknownas · 27/10/2014 17:21

What does he do OP, it seems strange to be called in at 3am, it must have been important.

Aherdofmims · 27/10/2014 17:22

If he is working so hard can you afford a bit of help?

Do you thinking trying to get dd into more of a routine or put her down to nap when she's tired (even if she cries a bit) might help?

Your dh's hours might be unavoidable for all I know.

Original poster

EEVEElution · 27/10/2014 17:22

Family aren't local unfortunately, my mum did come over from France when DD was born which was an enormous help but she is back now.

OP posts:

Original poster

EEVEElution · 27/10/2014 17:25

I would love to get DD into a better routine but I am failing horribly! She just seems to be getting more fussy the older she gets, she doesn't want to be away from me at all and will scream when I leave the room. But will stop as soon as I pick her up, cheeky monkey.

OP posts:

theposterformallyknownas · 27/10/2014 17:25

Sorry, just got your last post.

If he works in an office environment then his employers should be more flexible, is he not having time off after the 3am starts, for example the next day?
Nobody should be working so many hours with a new baby, he should be helping more.
YANBU you need to tell him that work comes second to family life, working to live, and not living to work.

aermingers · 27/10/2014 17:34

I really sympathise with you. But I also sympathise with your DH. Knowing what the economic situation is like at the moment he may well have no choice. A lot of workplaces at the moment are aware that as far as staff go they're in an employers market. If somebody is arriving bang on nine every morning and leaving on the dot of five while all their colleagues are putting in extra hours you can guarantee who will be up for the chop in the next round of redundancies.

It has also occurred to me that if he's doing the hours you say and it's tough for him to sleep at home when he's leaving at 3am he might not be going straight to work but maybe sleeping somewhere in the car for a bit. I can understand that too. If he is getting so tired he's making mistakes, his performance is suffering or he's posing a danger he might be wise to get some extra sleep.

I know somebody will probably come along in a moment from the 'all men should do a full shift of night feeds even if they're working the next day' brigade. But I really think that's a false kindness because with the economy the way it is at the moment that runs a very real risk of your family losing their main source of income.

aermingers · 27/10/2014 17:37

Is he off at the weekends? Could he get up with her on a Saturday or Sunday morning and let you lie in. Would she take a bottle of expressed milk if you are breastfeeding?

Original poster

EEVEElution · 27/10/2014 17:39

Some additional info - sorry for drip feeding! He doesn't go in at 3am everyday, he normally leaves around 7.30 ish and gets home around 8pm, but several weekends he's been in one of both days with a middle of the night start.

He's currently sleeping in the spare room as I'm co-sleeping with DD because she's refusing to go in her cot, and he's nervous about all 3 of us in the same bed, and also so he can get a good nights sleep, which is fair enough although it does make me a little sad. Hoping it won't be forever and she'll eventually be ok with her cot again.

OP posts:

Original poster

EEVEElution · 27/10/2014 17:41

She used to take EBM from a bottle but is currently refusing that too! She is very stubborn lately!

OP posts:

Original poster

EEVEElution · 27/10/2014 17:41

Oh and he just rang and is on the way home and picking up takeaway, so now feeling very U :(

OP posts:

notagainffffffffs · 27/10/2014 17:45

Ah thats shit sorry, I could have written that myself a year ago! Could you look into a child minder a couple of mornings? For this week, get yourself some good healthy food in, let the house get into a bit of a tip, lie down on the sofa with her and stick waybuloo/peppa pig on. You'll be much better soon and it will get better

googoodolly · 27/10/2014 17:56

Don't feel too unreasonable OP, I would probably feel exactly the same as you! It's really hard when you're unwell and tired with a fussy baby, and your partner has to work all hours. He probably wants to be home as much as you want him to be there, he just needs to keep his job.

When DH gets home, enjoy the takeaway, and leave him to look after DD while you have a bath and take a couple of hours for yourself.

DixieNormas · 27/10/2014 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananaleaf · 27/10/2014 18:06

I used to work on these kind of projects. Does he already have, or could he get working from home access? It can be a double edged sword as there is then the 'temptation' to log on all the time, but if he is getting up at 3am and going in at weekends anyway at least he would be in the house, and could stop for an hour or so when you need a hand.

I don't think you're unreasonable to have had words though. I know they are important projects but there needs to be some balance too.

Iggly · 27/10/2014 18:08

Is your dd poorly as well? That could be part of it. It is rough but your DH is working in finance which is a bit crazy at times...

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/10/2014 18:14

My friend had a daughter that was just like yours.

She then had twins. She had 3 under 3. The second time round, she didn't have time for fussy kids so she completely changed her approach and it was like a military operation from day 1.

It really will help you to get her into that routine.

jelliebelly · 27/10/2014 18:19

I have every sympathy for you but afraid YABU to get cross at him. Working those kinds of hours he must be knackered too and now has the added stress of a baby to provide for. He may well be staying out of the way if the alternative is coming home to a complaining wife and grouchy baby the minute he walks through the door. You need to try and get into a military style routine and claw back some time for yourself..

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