To be annoyed at DH over his working hours

[EEVEElution]

Very tentatively posting on AIBU, please be gentle.

I'm having a rough time of it atm, I have a 6 month old DD and I've been very poorly the last couple of days, nausea, queasy stomach and headaches.

DD is very demanding, I've listened to people saying it will get better but it has only got harder. She is adorable and my whole world but she never wants to be apart from me, I have to listen to her screaming whenever I need to use the loo or shower. Her sleep had gotten worse, she used to sleep through in her cot but now won't go in it so she's in bed with me, and wakes every 2 hours or so. Requires a huge performance getting her to nap, normally have to walk her in the sling or cuddle up next to her and feed her to sleep.

DH is working all hours, he's frequently been in on the weekends, yesterday he left at 3am to go into work and wasn't home till 8pm. I've been asking today if he can leave early to help me as I am poorly and struggling and hasn't been responding to messages, rang him just now and said he is leaving at 6 and I'm ashamed to say told him off.

AIBU to think he should stand up to work a bit as they are being a bit OTT about expecting him to work so much? And I am struggling with DD by myself, I never seem to get a minute to myself. He says after this weekend it will calm down as that's when a big project reached it's conclusion but to be honest I've heard that before.

On the other hand I feel bad for moaning as I'm not working currently so he's the only breadwinner at the moment.

Think of it as good practice for your next pregnancy...?

I am sympathetic actually - I remember feeling the way you feel now for about 4 months per pregnancy, and my husband was a drama teacher so he often worked all evening as well as all day.

I would say that once your OH's big project has finished, you want him to work some MUCH shorter days so that you get some respite.

I've been there OP and its crap, more so because DH didn't want to be working such long hours but he had to for several weeks, I didnt react well and it's wasn't fair on either of us. It's really tough. Can he book some time off for after the project completes. His employer may even do time off in lieu to an extent.

I'm so sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately that's part and parcel of parenthood. I hope you're feeling better (physically) soon. My DS2 went through a similar phase around 8 months. Went from being 'happy baby' to being clingy, not sleeping, wanting to be with me every second. It lasted about a month or so and then he settled down. Don't let that stop you from swimming. The paediatrician told me it was because he was beginning to comprehend separation but not comprehend returning. He said it was important to leave and come back (not torture them, just normal routines) so they learned that 'mummy comes back'. He suggested putting him down in his cot at bedtime, if he cries counting to 15 then going in and picking him up. Of course, that was 25 years ago, maybe that's archaic thinking now!

My DH always had excellent hours when it came to sharing duties as he (and I) both worked in civil service, but I can see where DS1 (newly-wed, no babies yet) will be in a different position. He works in a job that necessitates 'all time zones' meaning he may have to be in the office for a meeting at our local time, the next day it might be 3 am for a teleconference on a client's time zone. Plenty of weekends he's gone as he works with clients in entertainment who 'need' a company representative on their tour stops (the big babies!). Very demanding, but fortunately well paid. Unfortunately, in today's work-world the employer has the upper hand and if someone doesn't want to work when they want them to, well, there are plenty of others who will! It may be a situation of deciding to deal with the hand your DH has been dealt, or encouraging him to get a different job (if possible) with more accommodating hours.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I think I was BU for telling him off, in my defense I was cranky from feeling so ill and struggling with DD and I have apologized for it. I don't think he is deliberately staying away from home as I know he looks forward to seeing me and DD (and gets a very warm welcome from the dog when he walks in too!)

I definitely agree with getting her into a routine but all efforts so far have failed, she has a good bedtime routine and used to go down with very little fuss but as I said before she now wants to be fed to sleep and in bed with me. And naps are a huge performance. It's hard because I am a FTM and don't really feel like I know what I am doing :( there is so much conflicting advice too - a lot of people have said I am too soft and should leave her to cry but others say that leaving a baby to cry is harmful! Thats a whole other thread though to be honest.