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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another MIL one - sorry!

48 replies

elleesttoomuch · 27/10/2014 12:18

I really don't know if IABU or not and really need some perspective on this matter please! And please be kind!

Pils live a flight away from us but we still see them for a long weekend almost every month so they can see 7 month old DD. When we see them I am happy to let Mil get involved but she wants to do everything. I could go the whole three days without holding my daughter apart from to breastfeed her. If she were bottle fed it has been made clear that Mil would do that too. As soon as I get up in the morning (no matter how early it is!) Mil is waiting for me so she can grab dd. If I do manage to do anything with dd, Mil follows me around or hovers over my shoulder asking if she can take over, all whilst gurgling nonsensically at DD. And even when we're eating, Fil cuts Mil's food up for her so she can carry on holding DD while she eats. If I've finished and say 'I'll take her now', Mil refuses saying 'oh no, I don't mind'.

What I'm wondering is whether this is normal or not. I can't work if I should relax or she's being OTT. As I have my own little coping strategies, like handing DD over to play with Mil while I do something, but then taking her back for a cuddle with me. However last time we visited them I was at the receiving end of some serious death stares from Fil for asking to have DD back from Mil (who to be fair to her did hand her over without comment)!

When you see your parents or in-laws do they want to take over your baby 100% or are they happy to have some playing and cuddles but then hand him/her back? As we only see them once a month or so, the feeling is very much that Mil should get to have DD constantly, as all the rest of the time, I have her to myself. But I can't just switch off being DD's mum! We're visiting them again this weekend and I'm wondering whether it's OK for me to still spend a bit of time playing with/cuddling her, even if we are with Mil.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 27/10/2014 12:24

She's your baby OP. Yours. MIL had her turn at being mummy to a small baby. She's massively overstepping boundaries by wanting to treat DD like she's her own child. It sounds like you are happy for your ILs to spend time with your DD, and for them to get lots of cuddles etc but of course its not unreasonable for you to not want to hand her over for hours at a time! You need to be firmer about taking her back, even if MIL protests - no I'll take her now, thanks MIL' with a fixed smile. And actually take DD off her if you have to.

And by the way, a long weekend every month is a huge amount of contact. I see my ILs about twice a year and that's plenty! How do you feel about seeing them so often? How does you partner feel about it? Do you always fly to them, or do they visit you too?

Nomama · 27/10/2014 12:25

1st question: what does your DH think/do about his mum's behaviour?

I don't think you are at all U for resenting that sort of 'ownership' behaviour. MIL may well want to bond with her beautiful GD, but she isn't the primary caregiver, so she can take that big step back at your request.

But if your DH thinks his mum is doing what all doting gran's do, then you'll have a bit of a fight on your hands!

PoppyAmex · 27/10/2014 12:31

I'm reading this as a MIL who misses her grandchild and wants to spend as much time as possible with them; I didn't read any sinister behaviour in the OP's description.

I firmly believe that the more people love my children, the better.

OP, if you're uncomfortable talk to her or your DH.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/10/2014 12:36

I was at the receiving end of some serious death stares from Fil for asking to have DD back from Mil

That would really piss me off!

It sounds pretty overwhelming and I also think spending a long weekend with them every month is a huge expectation.

How does your dh feel about it?

motherofmonster · 27/10/2014 12:38

How old is your baby op? As i can imagine a time when the crying or distressed time will come when baby/ toddler makes it clear that she wants comfort from you and would worry how that is going to go down.
Imagining a scenario where mil has struggling crying baby who is reaching for mum which is perfectly normal

Original poster

elleesttoomuch · 27/10/2014 13:00

I do think we see too much of them especially as we only saw them twice a year before we had DD. They do come to us too, but we only have a 2 bedroom flat so it's easier to go to their house.

DH openly admits that his mother is 'obsessed' with our daughter but he wants to make her happy, so he doesn't say anything.

Poppy, I agree that the more love a child has, the better. But I feel like I can't even hold my baby when I'm around Mil - is that normal?

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/10/2014 13:02

I was at the receiving end of some serious death stares from Fil for asking to have DD back from Mil

Next time - ask him "Are you ok? You don't look very well." Git.

Once a month - you're a saint and I like my in-laws a lot.

Lottapianos · 27/10/2014 13:06

'DH openly admits that his mother is 'obsessed' with our daughter but he wants to make her happy, so he doesn't say anything'

I thought this might be the case. MIL sounds like a woman who is used to getting her own way and not being challenged on her behaviour. DH should also be trying to make sure that you're happy, which you're clearly not with this situation.

I'm not a mum but I'm an honorary auntie and I found it pretty upsetting when my best mate had a baby and didn't really like anybody holding her - I once spent a whole day round at hers helping out and had to ask for a 10 minute cuddle! So I understand completely why grandparents want to spend lots of time with her when you visit. But this just sounds like your MIL monopolises her, to the extent that you are wondering if its ok to ask for your own baby back! Boundaries OP, boundaries..... And if you think that you are visiting too often, talk to your DP about it.

victoryinthekitchen · 27/10/2014 13:06

I sympathise as she sounds very OTT and should be more sensitive to you as a mum, but could you use it to your advantage, i.e. have a bath / cuppa whilst you know baby is being looked after? It won't be long before she's toddling about and then she's going to go to both of you.

LittleBairn · 27/10/2014 13:07

I would have your DH tell her she needs to calm it down otherwise visits will need to be cut down. 1 in 4 weekends of this is way too much.

Icimoi · 27/10/2014 13:07

My parents and in-laws used to like to have a fair amount to do with the DC when they were little but it certainly wasn't exclusive like your MIL and they tended to be happy enough to hand them back. I suspect it will die down as your dd gets older, not least because she'll make her own views pretty obvious!

But if I were you I would definitely start cutting down on the visits - maybe spread them out to every 5 weeks, then 6 and so on.

LittleBairn · 27/10/2014 13:08

And if your DH refuses then tell her bluntly its no longer to continue.

Vivacia · 27/10/2014 13:13

What would make it easier for you? I'm thinking about times when you (and just you) take baby out in the buggy or half an hour nap time upstairs just the two of you.

As for your FiL you must call him out on it, "Are you ok Jeff? You seem to be giving me a meaningful look, is there something I've missed?".

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/10/2014 13:16

Also, dont feel obliged to hand DD over, you dont have too and take her back when you want too, shes your baby, if you want to hold her and have time with her when your IL's visit the tell them.

Original poster

elleesttoomuch · 27/10/2014 13:16

Thanks Lotta. I know it would be awful if I wouldn't let anyone hold DD and I'm more than happy to share her but there are moments when I just want my baby back! Victory, you're absolutely right and that's what I try to do but there is only so much time you can spend in the bath!

We don't see them every 4 weeks on the dot but over the last 7 months we've seen them 6 times so it's almost once a month. I still think that's too much so I am hoping that we can cut the visits down next year, especially when I go back to work. It wouldn't be so bad if I could see MIL every week or so for a few hours and let her do her own thing with DD but as we live far away, the visits are SO intense.

OP posts:

SomethingAboutNothing · 27/10/2014 13:16

My MIL was like this with DS, she used to just grab him out of my arms. Telling her that it was polite to ask helped a little but she is so thick skinned it didn't register she was annoying me.

She is still besotted with him now (2 years old) but it has been me that calmed down. I just do my best to let it wash over me and enjoy the peace and quiet which I don't get the rest of the time. They have a lovely relationship which is a good thing. She still drives me mad though, that will never change.

YellowTulips · 27/10/2014 13:19

Is this a first grandchild?

Upshot is I can understand what you are saying, but I think your MIL is desperate to spend time with the baby.

It does seem excessive and I can see your point, but it doesn't sound malicious and I suspect over time she will calm down .

My own mum was a bit like this with my son as a baby- but it was simply that she was totally in love with the little bugger (and still is) .

My own reaction was just to be honest and say "I need baby yellow back now for some mummy time" and not take no for an answer.

Upshot is she's been the best grandma and DS has a lovely relationship with her. As time goes on (and maybe more kids) you may find yourself grateful for someone who is so willing to help out.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 27/10/2014 13:21

I'm a MIL and Grandmother. I have never acted like that. I held my Grandchildren (as babies) when their parents gave them to me.

A flight and a long weekend once a month? Do you have family holidays with DH & DD or are all vacation days sucked into these visits?

ChristmasIsComing2014 · 27/10/2014 13:21

Another one who reads this as a grandmother who misses her grandchild and just wants to have as much time as possible with her. She does sound OTT but maybe also thinks/ assumes you want a rest.

I'd just openly talk to her about it, she doesn't sound unreasonable, just besotted by your dd and being 'in love' can often blind us so a gentle word may be all it needs.

notagainffffffffs · 27/10/2014 13:24

Sympathies op my mum was the same. Came to a bit of a showdown when she refused to hand her back one time. Awful. All I can say is rhat in 6 months time baby will be able to wriggle off and want only you, its really satisfying!

TheSpottedZebra · 27/10/2014 13:26

As she always been quite dominant, or is this new since your DD was born?

Vivacia · 27/10/2014 13:26

Does she acknowledge you? Does she listen to you and chat to you and so on as a person?

Original poster

elleesttoomuch · 27/10/2014 13:31

I can understand everyone who says Mil is just desperate to spend time with her DGC and I respect that. I have just come to the point when I'm starting to get confused as to whether I should be handing DD 100% into Mil's care when she's around which I find really hard.

So I am pleased to see that my situation doesn't seem to be the absolute norm. I like your suggestion Tulips. I will be honest and say 'mummy time now' when I want DD back.

OP posts:

Original poster

elleesttoomuch · 27/10/2014 13:34

Oh no, Vivacia, she only talks to me once DD's gone to bed (about DD). I suppose that's another thing which is hard for me. I'm invisible!

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 27/10/2014 13:56

Op no you shouldn't have to hand baby over 100% just as you are visiting.

It's nice to give MIL a lot of time with the baby as she doesn't see her as much but not to the extent you never have her in your arms .

Just be nice, but firm that it's "mummy time now" - with a smile -and ignore any looks from FIL.

As per a v good post above it won't be long before your DD sets her own "cuddle agenda" and makes clear who she wants to be with (and believe me MIL won't win this one!).

So take a deep breath, stay calm, try and remember it's because they love her but don't put up with it to the extent you feel uncomfortable.

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