Another MIL one - sorry!

[elleesttoomuch]

I really don't know if IABU or not and really need some perspective on this matter please! And please be kind!

Pils live a flight away from us but we still see them for a long weekend almost every month so they can see 7 month old DD. When we see them I am happy to let Mil get involved but she wants to do everything. I could go the whole three days without holding my daughter apart from to breastfeed her. If she were bottle fed it has been made clear that Mil would do that too. As soon as I get up in the morning (no matter how early it is!) Mil is waiting for me so she can grab dd. If I do manage to do anything with dd, Mil follows me around or hovers over my shoulder asking if she can take over, all whilst gurgling nonsensically at DD. And even when we're eating, Fil cuts Mil's food up for her so she can carry on holding DD while she eats. If I've finished and say 'I'll take her now', Mil refuses saying 'oh no, I don't mind'.

What I'm wondering is whether this is normal or not. I can't work if I should relax or she's being OTT. As I have my own little coping strategies, like handing DD over to play with Mil while I do something, but then taking her back for a cuddle with me. However last time we visited them I was at the receiving end of some serious death stares from Fil for asking to have DD back from Mil (who to be fair to her did hand her over without comment)!

When you see your parents or in-laws do they want to take over your baby 100% or are they happy to have some playing and cuddles but then hand him/her back? As we only see them once a month or so, the feeling is very much that Mil should get to have DD constantly, as all the rest of the time, I have her to myself. But I can't just switch off being DD's mum! We're visiting them again this weekend and I'm wondering whether it's OK for me to still spend a bit of time playing with/cuddling her, even if we are with Mil.

I really for you OP!

My MIL was very similar when DD was born, I found it very stressful.

If we were at MIL's and I was holding DD (to feed her!) and she started to cry she would demand that I gave her back to her. What new mum wants to hand over their tiny crying baby?
If I asked for DD back and reached out for her, she'd just ignore me.

I began to get really anxious every time we went there because I knew what it would be like. What she didn't understand was, that by behaving that way meant she spent less time with DD because I didn't want to take her there!

DC2 due soon and I plan on being much more assertive. I also plan on talking to DH about supporting me in this (rather than staring at the TV and pretending he hasn't noticed )

yanbu. your baby you say who gets cuddles when. you should point out to her how lucky she is that she gets to see her DG every 4 weeks for a whole weekend. If your breast feeding her could you disappear off to your room to feed alone especial as she gets bigger you could make an excuse that it's hard to feed discreetly and with the death looks FIL is giving you you don't want to embarrass him by accidently flashing a nipple at him

My MIL was similar with my DD, she just wanted her to herself all the time, preferably without me there. She wasn't interested in coming to visit her at our home (still isn't), she just wants to look after her at her house and would dress her up and seriously overstep boundaries.
I felt/feel like she doesn't respect me as her mother. I know she always wanted a DD and it feels like she fantasises about being her Mum.
It reached a head when I asked her to not do something in particular with my DD and she refused to grant my wishes, basically said whilst she's looking after her she will do what she wants with her.
Since then I have changed childcare arrangements so I don't have to depend on her anymore. I have not stopped her from seeing DD but I didn't want to need her to have her.
The earlier you say something the better.
Your MIL doesn't mean any harm but she doesn't know that what she's doing is causing any upset. That's the trouble we had, after 2 years of MIL upsetting me I couldn't just turn round and say ''actually I don't want you to do that''.
You need to have confidence in yourself and assert yourself as her mother a little more, or just stop going to visit them so much.
Why aren't they coming to visit you? I'm sure she wouldn't overstep boundaries as much when she's in your home.

No no no no no no no

Not Mummy Time, that sounds temporary!

GRANNY TIME starts and stops when you are ready for it to. Yes, she is happily doting and loving her DGD and not really doing any harm, but, as you feel how you do, she is overstepping your boundaries.

As other have said, you need to grow some coping strategies that won't cause too much upset. Ask your DH how he would deal with his mum. Get him onside, understanding that his mum isn't being particularly polite. Find out how/if he makes her hear 'No'.

She sounds really overbearing in this respect. However, soon the baby will be big and mobile enough to make her feelings known and that might solve a few problems. Once a month sounds like a lot to me. Once every six weeks might be better.

I fell out with my MIL over something similar, but my baby was smaller. The ILs came to stay (for six weeks!!!) when DC2 was two weeks old. I couldn't breastfeed (which I was really upset about) and it became a battle between MIL over who would feed the baby. In the end I told her that I wanted the time to bond with the baby and wanted to feed her on my own while she was tiny. MIL said something like "but she's not just yours!" My reply was only slightly kinder than "tough shit!" I regret that but I do harbour resentment that they took that time away from me (they booked flights without telling us...).

No it's not normal OP, as others have said you need to be firmer with your MIL. Your MIL should ask, or say something along the lines of "can I help by having dd whilst you have a bath/lie down, etc.," this muscling in and expecting exclusivity is just not right, and the bit at the table is just so odd.

Perhaps you could cut down your visits by using the excuse that the travelling is getting too much for your dd.

Also, you need to get your dh on side and you both need to put your MIL right as to what is and isn't acceptable. There is no need to be rude or have a dramatic fall out, just explain calmly and politely .

I have a dgd, I adore her, but she is not my child and I respect both her and her mum far too much to just pile in and take over.

That's odd, I wouldn't put up with that at all, majorly over stepping the mark.
Luckily or unluckily depends how you look at it, my ds isn't really the being held all the time type baby from about 5 months.
I did have to say on numerous occasion for mil to put him down as she was obsessed with having him on her knee all the time when she saw him and he would be squirming to get off her and shouting mum.
Even at 15 months she will still try and keep him on her knee but he just runs away now.

MissBlennerhasset I am at your MIL's comment!

Argh my mum does this. It drives me insane. We also only see her about once a month so I try and grin and bear it but it's really difficult. You have my sympathies OP but I'm afraid I have no advice.

She's just getting the most of her GD when she can.

Chill out. Go back to bed, paint your nails or go out with DH for a meal!

It's not like she's popping round to your house everyday behaving like this.

I don't get your power struggle if I'm honest.

I would say something very simple like: 'Can I have DD back now please? I'm still getting used to this, and I need to hold her a lot to feel comfortable. I know you want to hold her too, and I'm sure the urge will wear off really quickly when she's a screaming toddler! I know it's silly, but I'm a new Mum and I have all those hormones!'

Only a stony-hearted person could fail to respond to that?

Thanks all for your support. Miss, how awful!

I am relieved to hear that other people have experienced similar situations and feelings. I was really beginning to doubt myself.

Middleton, I am happy to chill out and let MIL take over just not all of the time.

I live abroad and have ILs who visit extremely frequently (money no object for flights etc, more's the pity!). Whenever they come over, I carry on with our normal routine and they have to fit in. I don't cancel baby classes or whatever. They can be extremely overbearing, made worse by the fact it can never be a quick afternoon's visit, rather a long weekend at the very least. After about an hour, I'm already gritting my teeth. They do mean well but in a similar way to your MIL, seem to think my children are theirs. MIL will still try to undermine things I say/do. I have become extremely direct and now tell them exactly how it will be. I do feel rude but it's the only way to get through to them. Good luck.

middletonpink would you honestly be happy with not being allowed to hold your own baby all day, 3 days per month every month?

It doesn't get better. It gets words. Put your foot down NOW.

*worse sorry.

Little if it bothered me I would say something.

That's all that can be done I think. Not the DH saying it but the OP.

Middleton but the OP has said amd it still continues.
I disagree me can be done p, such as cutting down on the number of visits.

The OP has spoken to the MIL? I missed that.

And the OP does say that she hands over her dd while she's doing something but then takes her back from MIL.

I think the ops problem middleton is that she is made to feel that her requests for her DD back are outlandish and that MIL taking control of her DD whenever they visit is perfectly normal. My MIL never tried this though as DD has got older she has in the past tried undermining my rules and making comments to DD (5) that have meet with short shift from both me and DH. OP you just need to set the boundaries and make sure DH backs you up as after all it's his mum that is making you uncomfortable. And cut down on the amount of times in the year you are seeing them. I don't even see my own mum that much and we are very close and DH doesn't have any problems with her either.

I sympathise and am carefully reading replies. I fear that this will happen when my little one is born next year. MIL refers to baby as 'my baby' and even 'my bump' its not even born yet not sure if I am being over sensitive or I should tell her that its not her baby but my baby and my husbands baby. Terrified that I will be in your situation in a few months time, and MIL lives 20 mins walk away.

'mummy time now' does sound like a lovely way of gently requesting some time back, im going to remember that. I know there has to be a balance and have read some stories on here of really uninterested parents and parent in laws and would hate that, but finding the balance it seems could be difficult.

YANBU op.

Butterpuff how about saying "mil it's lovely that you're excited but you need to back off or you'll suffocate me".

Read "The Little House" by Phillipa Gregory. Then give her a copy for Christmas.