Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my in-laws to leave?

35 replies

Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 12:09

I'm a newbie so sorry if I've got this all wrong but am currently hiding in my bedroom after being up the whole night being sick with some bug, I'm achey and 5 months pregnant. My in-laws (who've been staying for a week already) are supposed to be heading away today, but they aren't being quick about it (it's past midday).

They're nice people and I like having them staying generally but I'm now desperate for them to go! AIBU?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/10/2014 12:12

Stay in your room until they've left.

Ask dh to remind them about the traffic, do they want a sandwich before they head off?, that kind of thing.

M00nUnit · 27/10/2014 12:13

No YANBU - I know that feeling! Hope you feel better soon.

skylark2 · 27/10/2014 12:14

Are you there alone apart from them? It's possible they are worried and don't want to leave until they've seen you are OK.

pictish · 27/10/2014 12:16

No yanbu. Houseguests are like fish...after three days they start to stink.
Sending "leave leave leave" vibes along to their subconscious for you.

It will be so good when they've gone.

And just to clarify, I'm not in law bashing here...I'd feel the same about anyone.

loopylou9 · 27/10/2014 12:17

No YADNBU. The last thing you need when you are poorly is PIL hovering around in the background.
Is your DP there? Could he drop some hints that they start heading off?
Could you just go for a sleep and hopefully they'll be gone when you get up?

Maybe drop some hints yourself? ''I feel terrible, I'm going to go to bed...will you still be here when I get up? Are you still planning to go home today? I'd hate for you to catch my germs''

Original poster
Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 12:20

Nope DH is here- he's nipped in a couple of times to check on me but I've been hinting he might want to politely suggest they head away. It's a 2-bed flat with one bathroom so I don't even know why they want to hang around with an ill person anyway!

OP posts:
cloggal · 27/10/2014 12:24

Definitely send DH out with a 'manymoons is feeling under the weather, so she's going to go for a sleep, I'll have to nip out soon and pick up something for dinner, can I drop you at the station?' kind of line. They'll understand.

Original poster
Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 12:41

They have gone! DH is not great at even hinting at being assertive with his parents unfortunately- FIL is a functioning alcoholic ( which complicates their visits) and when I've tried to raise managing his drinking with our baby having a safe relationship with their grandad he accuses me of causing a wedge, that I hate his dad, etc. FIL is Jekyll/Hyde- lovely and funny sober, sloppy, swearing and feeling me up drunk. It's very sad but I was desperate for them to go today before he started drinking as I couldn't face it on top of being ill and preg!

OP posts:
Original poster
Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 12:43

Lol at 'houseguests are like fish'Grin

OP posts:
anonacfr · 27/10/2014 12:54

Feeling you up when drunk???? What does your husband think of that?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/10/2014 12:59

Feeling you up when drunk???? Both FIL and DH would have a got a right mouthful over that.

Original poster
Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 13:15

I told him but his relationship with his dad is really complex (and really the only issue which comes up again and again). The whole family make excuses for him/pretend it's not happening (understandable) but I get sucked into this, so now just avoid sitting near him when he's been drinking. I can't really make a stand without starting WW3Hmm

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/10/2014 13:18

It sounds as though ignoring his behaviour isn't really working though.

cloggal · 27/10/2014 13:19

Ok OP, This is infinitely more serious than PILs outstaying their welcome. Your FIL is awful but your DH should absolutely not stand for that. What's he going to do to protect you and your child when his dad is drunk and behaving inappropriately?

AMumInScotland · 27/10/2014 13:21

I think maybe you need to start WW3. But at 5 months pregnant I can see why you don't want the stress.

But honestly, a quick slap across the face and "Get your filthy hands off me!" makes your position abundantly clear, and doesn't leave any real room for argument from anyone else.

Icimoi · 27/10/2014 13:23

Your dh is really going to have to get a grip about his father's drinking. It's all very well making excuses for him on behalf of the family and you, but it would be complete unacceptable to make excuses if it puts your child at risk.

My FIL was in effect an alcoholic before he died of oesophageal cancer which was a direct result of his smoking and drinking. They only stayed at our house once. What really got to me was that he'd smoke and use an ashtray which he put on the floor, where our then crawling ds could easily get hold of it and was bound to be attracted by the strange glowing, smoking thing. One day he was completely flat out because he'd got so drunk, and we couldn't go on a planned outing. We thought we'd hidden the booze away fairly effectively, but when he left we found the store depleted and various empty bottles hidden away around the house. After all that DH and I both swore an almighty oath that FIL was never coming to our house again, and stuck to it.

TracyBarlow · 27/10/2014 13:25

Sorry, your FIL sexually assaults you and your husband doesn't want to say anything in case he upsets the apple cart?

WTF?

MassaAttack · 27/10/2014 13:29

What happens in a few years when your child sees their mum being groped by grandpa whilst nobody says anything? Or later on at their 16th birthday party, when he paws one of your child's friends?

Now is probably not to time to deal with this, but you will have to, sooner or later.

LittleBairn · 27/10/2014 13:29

I know functioning alcoholics well I can never relax around them you can never tell when they might turn so I totally agree when the baby arrive no drinking. Tell your H tough shit its a miserable enviroment to be in even if it is short term.

Original poster
Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 13:30

I really don't know. He is normally very protective of me, but when I have tried to bring this up in different ways he becomes very defensive and it gets blamed on me 'not liking his dad'. We've spent hours going back and forth and getting nowhere, so I think I'm just going to have to put my foot down even if that is alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 13:37

Sorry- more replies came in whilst I typed (fat fingers and phone!). Appreciating 'out of the family' responses. Tbh when he has got 'handsy' it hasn't been in full view of others (under restaurant tables). A part of me worries that DH questions whether I'm telling the truth... I work in mental health and go through the ringer a bit as I hate FIL's behaviour but know how complex and traumatic it is for DH and MIL. Feeling that once baby is here would be the time to re-visit it. I don't intend to be a pushover with my child, honestlySmile

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 27/10/2014 13:42

There are times when we have to enforce our own boundaries, rather than rely on others to do it for us. This is one of them.

NO ONE gets to touch you in a way you don't like, ever. Anyone who disagrees with this can take a hike - including your supposedly 'd' h. You say you've brought this up in several ways, but have you made it clear what's happening? ie that he 'feels you up/gropes you' as a pose to 'standing too close'.

Never mind a wedge - I'd start World War III.

AMumInScotland · 27/10/2014 13:48

I think you maybe have to accept that your husband is not going to be the one to deal with this, and look for ways of making it clear what you will and won't put up with more directly.

He and his mother have presumably found ways of ignoring the reality in front of them, and you are making yourself the 'bad guy' for not falling in with their little fantasy that it's not happening, or not a problem, or whatever.

But you're bringing a baby into the equation, and you need to get your 'mama tiger' head on for the future. You will have to be the one who decides what the house rules are for his relationship with your child.

If he drinks, he leaves.
If he gropes, he leaves.

You can make it clear to your husband that the problem is the behaviour, not the person. So long as FIL is sober, he is welcome to visit. When he behaves in a way which is unacceptable, he is not welcome.

AMumInScotland · 27/10/2014 13:55

Right, so he may be drunk enough to decide to grope, but he's sober enough to know not to do it openly? In which case, there's even less excuse - not that being drunk is an excuse anyway of course.

But, anyone still in control of themselves enough to do it secretly is in control enough to choose not to do it at all.

He, and men like this in general, are relying on your embarrassment.

You have to, calmly and quietly or loudly and rudely, call him on it. Every time. That can be "Stop that. I find it unpleasant" or "Get your hands off, I'm not here to be mauled!". If he does it again, say to whoever is sitting furthest from him "Your father/husband has wandering hands again. Can we swap seats. I'd prefer to eat my meal without being groped." You don't have to 'cause a scene' if that's something you hate. You just have to be quietly assertive. If anyone else chooses to turn it into a scene, that's their problem, not yours.

Original poster
Manymoons14 · 27/10/2014 14:39

Thanks for the responses- have been sleeping off throwing up my stomach bile... Due to keeping myself away he hasn't done it for a long time. I know this isn't a solution but I feel it's more imperative to tackle the drinking first, as it's right there all the time. I'm not prepared to let a little one suffer because of my own wish to avoid a scene, but this week just hasn't been the right week to go for it unfortunately.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread