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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be bored of the sleep deprivation?

28 replies

Asteria · 27/10/2014 10:33

I felt bad for hijacking the breathing thread and got to thinking that actually DH and I don't have remotely normal sleeping patterns!
DH has severe insomnia - often resorting to heavy duty sleeping pills for some respite. Even when he does sleep he thrashes about constantly - enough to violently jolt me awake regularly despite our stupidly expensive specially designed mattress, that supposedly minimises this. The thrashing doesn't just wake me, it leaves me in agony. I have had two operations on my spine in the last year and DH thrashes (something akin to a small child jumping on the bed) so much that I have to take pain killers most mornings to get me going.
He had a sleep app that would record anything between 100 and 500 incidents of movement or talking during the night (between midnight and 7am). I regularly find him walking about the bedroom or talking about random shite.
I am constantly being woken by the duvet being violently yanked off me, often thumping myself in the face with the anchoring hand, or being strangled as it is pulled around my neck. If it isn't that it is an icy blast down my back as he pulls it tight between us.
I get that this must leave DH exhausted, but he then sleeps during the day and I feel that makes his, and my, night-times worse.
AIBU to ask that we either have separate beds, or even separate bedrooms? I sleep so well when he is not there, but he claims that he is even worse without me. The last time I suggested changing our bed or even getting a duvet each he sulked for days. I am exhausted and in pain and usually give up and crawl out of bed at about 5am. AIBU to dread going to bed with DH and to wake up hating him?
NB. I love my DH very much, it is just the mornings when I hate him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 10:38

It is also worth noting that he is reluctant to try anything to help with his insomnia - it is all met with the same "it'll never work" negativity.

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WerewolfBarMitzvah · 27/10/2014 10:39

YANBU. If I were in your DH's shoes, I would take off to the spare room.
It's not fair on you at all. I realise this is a tough situation on both of you, but living like this is unsustainable and you could end up resenting him.
Talk to him - something has to change.

iwishiwasacat · 27/10/2014 10:39

Separate beds sounds reasonable to me, especially if he is physically hurting you! Sleep deprivation is torture.

I love sleeping in my own room, away from DH.

Perhaps your DH would benefit from a sleep study.

iwishiwasacat · 27/10/2014 10:40

If he is not willing to even agree to a duvet each then he needs to step up and work to improving his sleep.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 27/10/2014 10:47

DH and I have separate duvets on a King size bed - I absolutely recommended it (its normal where DH is from - normal in lots of countries - and a custom I wholeheartedly embrace!) :o DH snores (but so do I ... His snoring occasionally wakes the kids though) and our 3 year old rarely sleeps through, so I don't get an unbroken night, but at least no duvet battles or cold drafts.

Your DH can't have it all his way - separate duvets are a tiny concession, he is very unreasonable sulking about that! In your situation he is actually hurting you - he may not mean to, but it sounds as if he is putting himself before you in every case, and you are putting up with actual physical injury for the sake of his sleep; that isn't fair or equal, and separate beds (maybe as on some hotels, that could be pushed together) sounds a very sensible solution, and a reasonable compromise rather than separate rooms/ houses/ lives...

AlpacaMyBags · 27/10/2014 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 11:09

Being upset and grumpy in the morning really isn't ridiculous is it? I feel like such a horrible person for snapping at him and completely flipping out if he then tries to be affectionate. We had another bad night this morning, he eventually came downstairs at 9.30 and asked if I had had another bad night. I said yes and tried to discuss a solution, but he just stomped off and had been sulking ever since.
We were supposed to be walking along the coast with friends today, I can barely climb the stairs the pain is so bad. I'm sure that the sulking is because he feels bad, but I can't pretend I am not in agony and exhausted to save his feelings.

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Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 11:10

Just to clarify - I flip out at the affection because it usually involves him rubbing his heavy-duty sandpaper chin on me (which flipping hurts!!).

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Inertia · 27/10/2014 11:15

So you have to spend your life exhausted , terrible pain, and putting up with getting bashed about throughout because he sulks if he doesn't get his own way? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

How about you wait until he's asleep during the day, then yank the duvet off him and bounce up and down on the bed a couple of hundred times, then sulk if he complains?

saltnpepa · 27/10/2014 11:19

Separate beds (Rooms!) immediately without further ado! What on earth do you both gain from sharing a bed? It's certainly not benefiting your relationship is it.

Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 11:24

Oh lord! We just had a row which ended in me crying and him storming off because I said I hated him first thing in the morning. I feel genuinely bad that I handled it so terribly, but I am not a morning person at the best of times.

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SolitudeSometimesIs · 27/10/2014 11:38

I'm going to say something that I once told (roared at) DH. It's not insomnia if you sleep during the day! Your DH has shit sleeping habits. I banned my DH from having naps and within weeks (I think about 2) he has reset his sleeping patterns and was sleeping at night, not having a decent kip during the day and then tossing and turning all night.

I love my sleep, I love my bed, I love my husband (not in that order . I cannot function on broken sleep. Get him to stop napping and stay up during the day and sleep at night.

You have my absolute sympathies but he needs a kick in the arse. There was a documentary done a few years ago by some guy who claimed to have suffered insomnia all his life, but a sleep specialist took one look at him and said that because he stayed up late and then slept in he had effed up his body's sleep rhythm, I'll google it and try to find it for you.

SolitudeSometimesIs · 27/10/2014 11:40

The documentary is called "10 things you need to know about sleep" and is available on the BBC iplayer.

Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 11:52

Thank you for that Solitude. I have given up nagging DH about flopping onto the sofa during the day and then sleeping for 3 hours! I tried to suggest he stays in bed at night rather than huffing off downstairs to smoke and watch TV till 2 am, but he claims it is torture for him. He works from home so can stay in bed till 10 am - he often lays on the bed to email too, which often results in him sleeping. If I try to wake him during the day he grumbles and falls asleep again. I don't want to nag him. Last week I actually said "it isn't up to me to sort out your sleep patterns, I can't keep nagging you not to sleep during the day" - he agreed with me but has done nothing about it.
I will put the documentary on tonight for him to watch.

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pluCaChange · 27/10/2014 11:55

It sounds as though he is taking it very personally. However, if you can still love him despite what would be assault and harrassment (if he did it on purpose), he has to swallow his pride, or whatever it is making him irrational like this (could the lack of decent sleep be affecting his ability to think rationally as well?)

Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 14:13

Plucachange - we used to joke about it, but nearly two years in I am exhausted! He knows I sleep really well without him and I think it makes him feel insecure. I do feel really bad for him but tbh I don't think he is being as proactive as he could be about the situation.

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Iggly · 27/10/2014 14:16

Seriously, he is trying to shift the problem onto you. I.e. how dare you complain hence the huffing.

Set up in the spare room and make it lovely and comfy for you.

What an arse he is!

GailLondon · 27/10/2014 14:16

Gosh, separate duvets sounds like a very small concession and something that could be tried very easily before taking the more drastic step of separate beds or bedrooms. Hopefully you can talk him round to trying that.

minibmw2010 · 27/10/2014 14:17

Move into the spare room. Tell him until he's willing to even try to compromise to fix this problem then you are in the spare room (or he is, whichever) and that's it. It is not your responsibility to be present so he can have a better nights sleep if it means you taking hits and being woken up all the time. Clearly he's doing exactly what a toddler does - napping at the wrong time and so being unable to sleep at night. He needs to grow up.

skylark2 · 27/10/2014 14:19

I would just get a second duvet. You don't need permission.

Inertia · 27/10/2014 14:24

You don't need permission to sleep in the spare room. He is refusing to take steps to sort out his sleep problems so a consequence of that is that you cannot sleep adequately in the same bed.

He needs to choose whether he values late night smoking and daytime naps more than your company in bed.

Inertia · 27/10/2014 14:27

Just to add - he clearly values his late night smoking and daytime naps more than he values your physical health and mental wellbeing.

Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 14:54

I have been working out what we can do. I think the double duvets each will help. I'm going to move into DSD's room (we have too many children for the luxury if a spare room!) until she comes to stay so I can catch up on some sleep. After that we need to have a shuffle with bedding and see if we can't work something out. We can't afford to rush out and buy more bedding at the moment - we have spent over £2k on bed/bedding to trying and make this problem easier to deal with already! We were talking about changing some of the older bedding for the DC so perhaps we could shuffle a bit there (I have dreams of only white cotton and feathers/down on all the beds).

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pluCaChange · 27/10/2014 15:05

"He knows I sleep really well without him and I think it makes him feel insecure."

So he does take it personally. However, if he can take it personally, so can you, and does he really want you to resent him, let alone be physically afraid to go to bed?

Original poster

Asteria · 27/10/2014 15:15

I wouldn't say I am "physically afraid" to go to bed. I'm bored of not sleeping and I wish he would just lay still at night, rather than thrashing about, but that doesn't make me afraid of him. Yes, some of his more animated dreams can be a little freaky, I have found him wandering about and opening the windows before now, but I'm not scared of him! He isn't a monster.

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