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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

visiting MIL

39 replies

albaqwerky · 27/10/2014 08:27

I've namechanged as the details would out me but I'd like opinions please.

DP and I were invited round to his mother's for lunch yesterday. BIL and his family were visiting and it was a nice chance to see everyone. We told to get there for 12 to eat at 1. We ended up leaving at 6, which was later than I wanted as I had a bit of work to do in the evening and it takes 45 minutes to get home.

MIL has a habit of keeping count of how often we visit her vs FIL (they divorced 25 years ago) and my family. She's always nice to me when I see her but makes her displeasure known to DP on the phone afterwards. On the way home DP said I wish we hadn't left early as that will confirm her suspicions that we always try to leave as soon as possible. The invitation was for lunch and I thought staying until 6 was more than enough.

Was six too early to leave? We probably do see my family more often than we see her but we have to travel to see them so we end up staying for the weekend. They get more time but she gets more individual visits but I'm annoyed that we're getting into a situation where we're counting up who gets more time. I look forward to seeing my family and, although she's always nice to me, I feel that seeing MIL is a bit of an obligation, partly because I know she's counting up the minutes we spend with her and will make DP feel bad about it afterwards!

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 27/10/2014 08:30

Six after a Sunday lunch invite seems perfectly reasonable to me.

She's being unreasonable keeping score

iwishiwasacat · 27/10/2014 08:30

Yanbu. MiL is being unreasonable keeping track of visits. Staying for 6 hours is a long time imo!

bedraggledmumoftwo · 27/10/2014 08:30

Yanbu, lunch invite means you could have left much earlier.

my pils do this counting how much my parents get more than them thing, it is just jealousy, but the more they do it the less ww want to see them!

gamerchick · 27/10/2014 08:31

Could you just stay behind and him go by himself? If she's going to bitch about it anyway......

diddl · 27/10/2014 08:31

"will make DP feel bad about it afterwards!"

well that's your problem.

Your husband should spend the time with your mum that he wants, not feels he should.

leaving at 6 sounds fine to me-that's heading on towards another mealtime!

We both preferred my parents so saw more of them.

diddl · 27/10/2014 08:33

Also, if iLs are divorced, if you spend say 6hrs with your mum & dad, does MIL then think that she should have 6hrs & then FIL 6hrs?

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/10/2014 08:37

Your only response, before you get tied up in knots is 'We don't count. We take different weekends/weeks/trips as they come. If you are counting then that's your problem to resolve. How would you counting make us want to visit you more exactly?'

or

'Oh gosh, I thought you said it was lunch? We thought we had stayed far too long as it was. Perhaps it would be better if you stopped counting and measuring and judging how we spend our time?'

Whippet81 · 27/10/2014 08:42

Honestly these people astound me - they're not happy unless they're creating problems are they? Six is plenty late enough - if we go round to my DP's for Sunday dinner at 4pm (weird time I know but it suits) we re normally back for 6.30/7pm and that's with 30 mins travel.

We see far more of my PIL as they live next door so near enough every day but it's never even raised as an issue.

Your DH needs to ask if she wants to see you or not?

JubJubBirds · 27/10/2014 08:48

Next time could you just discuss what time you expect to be leaving and agree on an acceptable time? Then there will be no arguments later.

We usually do this when we visit my DGrandad, as his offer for lunch often comes with a little hope of us also staying for "something small for tea" at 6ish. (Usually suggested just as you're getting ready to leave at 5.)

She sounds like hard work but OTOH it's lovely really that my DGdad and your DMIL want to spend time with their respective families. Next time just agree on a time and make it known in advance, give her time to get used to it and to let your DP feel like he's got some control over the issue IYSWIM.

Optimist1 · 27/10/2014 08:50

If your usual "lunch" visits extend into the evening, and you were all having a jolly time then I can see why MIL was disappointed that you left at 6:00. But you had a very good reason for leaving at that time and IMO you deserve no criticism.

Her keeping score of how long you spend with her is weird, but by no means unique. I was clearing out an elderly relative's flat and found seven years' worth of diaries which contained details of phone calls and visits from friends and family, e.g. "Optimist phoned me. 13 minutes.", "Optimist's sister phoned me. 17 minutes.", "Phoned Optimist - no reply."! It seems that for some older people their world has shrunk so much that these things take on massive proportions, which is sad but irritating.

Out of interest, how does she know the frequency and duration of your visits to your FIL and your family? (It's understandable that she'd get an idea of when you see them from general conversation, but for her to know the length of the visit is ridiculous. Perhaps your DH could be primed to be more vague if it's him leaking the info.)

Original poster
albaqwerky · 27/10/2014 09:01

Thanks all.

Diddl - I think she does see it like that with regards to my parents but she would prefer that we didn't see FIL at all! DP tends to keep quiet about our visits to FIL (which are only about 2 - 3 times a year) as she has made him feel bad about seeing his father in the past. I think she imagines that we see both my family and FIL much more than we actually do.

The problem is that we've been appeasing her. Trying to make sure we see her often, not mentioning visits to FIL and not confronting the time counting thing. If it was my DM I would talk to her about it but I feel that's for him to do with his mother. He knows this but he has tried to challenge her before and she sulks and is PA. He wants to have a relationship with her but she won't respond to reason. I don't know what to do other than to do what we want / think is fair re visiting and DP ignoring her attempts to make him feel bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
albaqwerky · 27/10/2014 09:07

Agreeing an acceptable time to leave is a good idea. I will try that next time. MIL does the mission creep thing. She invites us for lunch then just as I'm getting to the point where I'd like to leave she suggests a walk. Then she's made cake for when we get back.

It is lovely that she wants to see us but I do struggle with the length of time she expects us to stay. It's a very intense and formal six (or more) hours of sitting making small talk. I've been with DP for ten years but we've never watched television at her house. My family is much more relaxed and that's probably partly why I find visits to her difficult.

OP posts:
JubJubBirds · 27/10/2014 09:11

Sounds very similar! I sympathise.Thanks Well done for keeping up the visits though.

diddl · 27/10/2014 09:18

Does she ever come to you?

Do visits have to be weekends?

It's awful giving up precious time for something you don't enjoyBlush

When we used to visit ILs for lunch we tended to get there in the morning, so that we left not long after lunch & still had an afternoon for us.

i know that she's providing lunch, but you are also having to drive, so times should be for your convenience as well.

My husband used to catch up with his mum & dad in the kitchen, & after a few pleasantries I'd settle down with the sunday papers until the roast beef & yorkshire pud was servedBlushGrin

skylark2 · 27/10/2014 09:27

Six sounds very late to leave after lunch to me - we'd be having tea by then, and "for lunch" to me means not invited for the following meal. We normally have lunch, a cup of tea or coffee after lunch, a chat and maybe a walk round the garden, and it's almost never later than 4 when we leave. Often earlier, if there are things we need to do (fortunately MIL is a keen gardener so appreciates things like needing to get home to mow the lawn while it's dry!)

Original poster
albaqwerky · 27/10/2014 09:28

She does come to us and I prefer that. Cooking etc gives me something to do and makes the visit less intense. Actually, thinking about it, the visits are actually shorter when MIL comes to us as she leaves earlier as she wants to get home at a reasonable time! I'll try to get to get her to come to us more often.

OP posts:
maras2 · 27/10/2014 09:38

When I give a one o'clock lunch for my kids and grandkids,I'm only too pleased to see them go at six.The buggers never take the hint though and would stay all night if we let them < and they only live 5 minutes away > Grin

CruCru · 27/10/2014 09:47

What do you do about Christmas / Easter etc? Are you on a strict rota to make sure you see everyone exactly equal amounts of time?

I have a friend with divorced parents and this sort of thing is a nightmare.

diddl · 27/10/2014 09:55

"Actually, thinking about it, the visits are actually shorter when MIL comes to us as she leaves earlier"

Ah, so it might actually be her fault if she doesn't get as much time as your parents?Grin

So, as an adult, she decides when she wants to leave and does so.

So not unreasonable for you and her son to do the same?
(Not that it would be unreasonable for you to do it even if she didn't)

Just because she's the parent, it doesn't mean that you have to do as she says whilst visiting her house.

"Should we go for a walk?"

"No, we need to be getting back now"

Original poster
albaqwerky · 27/10/2014 10:07

We've got the Christmas negotiations coming up and I'm not looking forward to it! BIL do alternate years with MIL and his wife's family and never deviate from this.

FIL never gets christmas and doesn't complain about it. We do a pre christmas with FIL and his wife. BIL's family come too.

DP and I don't do a strict rotation - two years ago MIL came to my parents, which was fine, although not an option this year due to a house move. Last year DP asked MIL whether she would rather have the whole family (us, BIL, SIL, their children) together on alternate years and then have to sort out something for herself with friends for the other years. She has a very active social life and lots of friends including several gay friends who don't have family, so she could easily arrange other plans.

MIL chose to have the whole family on alternate years. We are due to go to my parents this year. DP has been putting off asking what she's doing this year but we suspect that she hasn't mentioned it to any of her friends and is intending to spend christmas alone. Obviously we can't let her do that but we also don't want to go back on what was agreed last year. I'm dreading the conversation TBH as I think he might end up spending christmas with her on his own to prevent her being alone and that will make me even less inclined to visit her.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/10/2014 10:12

....Obviously we can't let her do that....

Oh Yes you can. (And I would.) Grin

Original poster
albaqwerky · 27/10/2014 10:21

Well we could... but I would feel so mean leaving her on her own and there is a small part of me that suspects that was her plan all along. She knows we probably wouldn't leave her alone. And if we did it would guilt us in to lots more visits through the year. I'm trying to keep an open mind until DP asks her what her plans are. He didn't want to ask her with all the family there yesterday and is planning to phone her this week.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/10/2014 10:22

yes you can let her be alone if she has actively decided not to make arrangements with friends.

If she was let down at the last minute, that might be a different thing.

Last yr my dad was for the first time ever alone on CD.

It was my siblings "turn" to go to him.
(We are both abroad & he can't travel to us)

In October she told me that she wasn't going at Christmas & I felt i had too, although had been looking forward to it being me, husband & kids.

anyway, sibling decided to do an early Dec visit & dad told me not to go for Christmas & to wait until Easter until the weather was better.

I felt awful, but did it.

He's in his 80s & said that Christmas really is just another day.

As long as he got phone calls to know that he was thought of.

skylark2 · 27/10/2014 10:58

Absolutely I would let her be alone if she chooses to be. At most, pay for her to go for a lovely Christmas lunch at the local pub.

If you're feeling kind and generous, remind her that you're with your parents this year. No negotiations, that's how the system works. She chose the whole family alternate years, well this is her "off" year.

YouTheCat · 27/10/2014 11:02

If she chooses to be alone at Christmas that is up to her. She has plenty of time to sort something out and it was her that decided to do it this way.

Your dh should not feel guilty for her choices.

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