visiting MIL

[albaqwerky]

I've namechanged as the details would out me but I'd like opinions please.

DP and I were invited round to his mother's for lunch yesterday. BIL and his family were visiting and it was a nice chance to see everyone. We told to get there for 12 to eat at 1. We ended up leaving at 6, which was later than I wanted as I had a bit of work to do in the evening and it takes 45 minutes to get home.

MIL has a habit of keeping count of how often we visit her vs FIL (they divorced 25 years ago) and my family. She's always nice to me when I see her but makes her displeasure known to DP on the phone afterwards. On the way home DP said I wish we hadn't left early as that will confirm her suspicions that we always try to leave as soon as possible. The invitation was for lunch and I thought staying until 6 was more than enough.

Was six too early to leave? We probably do see my family more often than we see her but we have to travel to see them so we end up staying for the weekend. They get more time but she gets more individual visits but I'm annoyed that we're getting into a situation where we're counting up who gets more time. I look forward to seeing my family and, although she's always nice to me, I feel that seeing MIL is a bit of an obligation, partly because I know she's counting up the minutes we spend with her and will make DP feel bad about it afterwards!

Yes you can do that and I'm doing it myself ! Although I suspect we will get a testy phone call on Xmas eve fishing for an invite.

I have actually invited her lots of times but she won't commit to anything because FIL will be here. She repeatedly tells us Xmas is 'bad time' for her and loves to share her misery with our Christmas cheer.

She had originally offered to do Xmas dinner her self but wanted £20 A HEAD! Now every one is coming here for FREE I think she can't bare to accept the multiple invites I've offered!

I suggested she went abroad for some sun if she finds Xmas so tough and that went down like a lead balloon.

Set a time when you need to leave " mil we have to be back before 6 because of XYZ"

Ignore the guilt trips!

As a youngster, I lived in a family with some world-class manipulators so I'm pretty resistant to it these days. (Luckily I managed to see them for what they were and went that way rather than becoming a gibbering wreck.) You said yourself that she's rather PA so I'd just set out your stall and do what you think is appropriate. She'll adjust - after a few flounces.

Lunchtime until 6pm is long enough and by that time you'll want to get back and have dinner. Odd that your MIL will leave early when she visits you, but you're expected to stay until she says so when you visit hers. If she suggests walks and cakes and whatnot as you're gearing up to leave, just say, "No sorry, we'd love to stay but we have to be getting back to put dinner on."

If she wants to count and keep track of visits then that's up to her. Spend your free time however you want.

How does your MIL know how many hours you spend with your family/FIL?

If she spends Christmas alone, it's because she chose too. Certainly not your fault.

We arrive 12.30-12.45 for 1 o'clock lunch and generally leave 2.30-3pm. If that isn't long enough and it causes upset we will stop the angst and just not go.

We have a live to lead and get little time all together as it is and with the kids homework and all the other children related stuff 6 hours out of a day is a big chuck.

don't let youself be guilted about Christmas, she chose to have both adult DCs together on 'her' year with both, she must accept that means neither will be avaiable the following year.

I think you need to point out that 6pm is evening, you went for lunch and stayed the whole afternoon. She didn't invite your for lunch and dinner, she didn't invite you to spend the whole day.

She doesn't know exactly how many hours we spend with my family but she knows it is more than we spend with her. To be fair we have seen my family more this year than usual. My sister had a baby in January (the first of my siblings to have children) so there have been a couple of trips to see them. There was a family wedding abroad and we went for a week and made a holiday out of it. These things obviously won't happen every year and we don't want to exclude MIL from our lives by pretending that they're not happening.

Don't buckle over Christmas or that'll be it for good. I don't even understand why your dp needs to ask her. You made an agreement so 'obviously' you know what she's doing - she's making her own plans as SHE chose to have you all at the same time.

I don't think he does need to ask her - she's likely just doing a nice little number by being reticent about it. (If you did it in person, she'd probably get a sad and pathetic look on her face.)

If you want to play her at her own game, laud her for her good taste in having an 'elegant and civilized' Xmas, next time you see her. (That will give her a good excuse to use with friends.) I suspect that much depends on how open and strong your relationship with your DH is and whether she might try to drive wedges between you by guilting him.

Sorry - DP.

DP wants to ask her about it so that he can make sure that she is actually making other arrangements. If we did nothing and just assumed that last years plans still stand then it's likely that she would stay at home on her own and do it in a way that makes him (and me) feel bad about it.

In retrospect it probably wasn't a good idea to give her the choice of everyone coming alternate years etc. We should have just said that she would be with BIL one year and us the next. We wouldn't get to spend christmas with our niece and nephew that way but there's no perfect solution.

It is an issue between DP and I although I wouldn't say it risks driving us apart. He finds her difficult and feels that it is something of an obligation to go and see her. In the end it comes down to the fact that he wants to be on good terms with her. He has tried to be more hard line - this is what we're doing, no negotiation, etc and she reacted really badly to that and they ended up barely speaking.

I doubt she is doing anything about it, alba. Probably just playing the 'Poor Little Me' cards - in fact I'm surprised that she hasn't already contacted you saying something along the lines of 'I thought I'd just check if there was anything you wanted for Xmas this year - although I'm not sure if it's worth bothering with you not being here.'

(Pathetic Victim 101, Lesson 3.)

I'd just contact her and tell her what your plans are. Otherwise she'll just expect you to give in. And to be accurate, it sounds as if that's worked so far?

Spent a Christmas in a strange country by myself one year.Two sons on honeymoon,daughters a long way away,DH on business travels.

It was lovely as someone sent me a hamper,I had lovely new Christmas books and peace.

Hate that people think they will die if they are by themselves.

Well they mostly don't, gotthe. (And the OP said that her MIL could easily make many plans.) I think it's just that Christmas is just such an emotive time and real good for tugging some strings because of that if they're so minded.