To get annoyed with fiance because he hasn't stopped smoking

[thefourgp]

When we met 8 years ago we both smoked. When we decided to buy a house and have children 6 years ago we agreed that we'd both quit smoking. I quit when I got pregnant 5 years ago. He never has. He's never even gone a full day without a cigarette. He smokes outside the house but I don't like our children seeing him smoke as it means they're more likely to smoke when they're older. We're trying to save to get married and it bugs me that £250-£300 a month is getting thrown down the drain. He's forever telling me to spend less (I'm in charge of all finances/shopping/present buying etc) even though I know I don't spend excessively.

We have no loans or credit cards but we're twenty years off paying up the mortgage up and not so comfortable that we can afford to splash out on holidays every year etc. He has repeatedly said he's going to quit....'when you get pregnant, when the baby's born, next Monday etc'. I bought him those electric cigarettes as I thought if he used them then at least we could cut down the cost but he just started using them in the house and kept buying cigarettes to smoke outside so I binned them. He left a well paid job he hated at the beginning of this year to start a less paid job that he likes and I'm pleased he's happier but he promised that he'd quit then so the pay cut wouldn't make any difference to our monthly budget and of course he hasn't.

It's causing us to bicker. I sympathise because as an ex-smoker I know it's not easy (I went cold turkey when I found out I was 2 weeks pregnant) but it's not impossible either and I'm sick of hearing one excuse after another. Sorry it's a bit long winded. Just glad to get this off my chest. Do I have any right to be angry with him for not stopping if I knew he smoked when we got together?

It's not a case of whether you have a 'right' to be angry. If everyone here said you did, it wouldn't change the fact that you are living with an addict.

Smoking is ridiculously expensive now and as an ex smoker (like yourself) I feel sympathy for anyone who is still addicted and unable to afford the nicotine fix, or to stay in the mindset of giving up.

What you have here are two smokers. One who managed to give up and another one who didn't. The fact you managed it and he didn't, could well pile massive pressure and guilt on him.

I don't know what the answer is but I do know, being angry at him won't make a jot of difference.

You need to find a way to support him and to gently remind him of the reasons he said he wanted to give up.

Not an easy thing at all

I can sympathise.

Dh and I were both smokers when we met. I quit 18 months ago, with much, much difficulty. I can honestly say it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done but I focused and pushed myself and made myself utterly miserable for months with withdrawal until I cracked it. Because I was so determined to do it for me, for us, for the dc.

Dh is still smoking despite his many, many declarations that he wants to stop. IMO he doesn't even try very hard.

I've grown out of the 'I'll live forever' mindset that I had in my teens and early 20's. I'm now 28, dh is 31. It terrifies me that he keeps making excuses, the thought that he'll keep smoking until it's too late for him.

I feel resentful and angry that I put myself through hell to stop because I knew it was the right thing for our family, and that he isn't willing to do the same.

Yes, all terribly unreasonable but it's how I feel. It's true that there's nothing worse than an ex smoker.

OP, I suggest each and every comment he makes about how you 'should' spend less, is met by a tart comment along the lines of 'says the man who spends £X/week on fags'. He really has no right At All to make judgy remarks about spending while he's still smoking.

I think you are very courageous OP. It is very difficult to live with someone who is still smoking when you have given up. Keep it up. It is very easy to backslide and think 'I haven't had one for ages, what harm will it do?' The money issue is a biggy. When I gave up I followed advice from the NHS website and wrote down the reasons why I had decided to stop smoking. It does work so stick to your guns and see if your DH can come round as well

Thanks for the comments and well done to the other ex smokers. I'll never go back to it. I never comment on quitting to any other smokers I know (apart from fiance) because my sister used to give me a hard time and her comments did nothing to help me stop. I agree with worraliberty that he feels pressured and guilty and subsequently thinks I'm talking down to him. I try to just accept that he's always going to smoke and it's a bonus if he stops. Then he makes another comment about my spending and I bite just like walkacrossthesand says. Friends and family have commented on how tight with money he can be. He really has no idea how much things cost and doesn't want to take responsibility for our monthly budget.

Well maybe he needs to know how much it costs? If he's tight with money maybe that would be his incentive?

Work out a monthly / annual figure for his smoking and wave that under his nose - it could be enough to pay for a holiday. How would that make him feel?

Or feign a longing to smoke again. Tell him that you still miss it and smelling it on him makes you want to start again. That might give him the motivation to stop so you don't start again - especially if he's stingy.

Another ex smoker here. He's got to really want to quit. So frustrating for you, but there's nothing you can do really. Mil quit after 40 yrs using the NHS programme which was brilliant. I used Allen Carr easy way as it focuses on how strong willed smokers are and I needed that empowerment - everyone talks about 'giving up,weak resolve,giving in' so much that I often felt defeated before I began.

I agree with writing down the weekly/monthly and annual costs of his ssmoking. Let him see where his money goes.

Then try to work out how mmuch he has spent on in since you gave up (and he should have!).

He is not only damaging everyone's health by smoking but also stopping his kids from having a holiday and /or financal security.

YABU.

Has he tried Champix? Worked wonders for me.

YANBU, quitting is the hardest thing to do imo but it looks like he has no intention of ever giving up. Tbh, some people don't then just say pretty words that they know you want to hear. He should try the tablets.

And show him the budget, he wants to be tight he can be but it starts with him giving things up.

I'm on one of the vaping threads - have a look at those. It is a lot cheaper. OH also had a session of hypnotherapy to help kick it all off.

He spends maybe £20 a week on vape still. But compare that to £70 on tobacco, and the health risks. And he will cut down the vape gradually.

Nothing else ever worked for him.

I couldn't live with a smoker because I've never smoked - never even tried it. Does your fiance smell awful? When you kiss, is his smoking a put-off?

I cannot understand why smokers cannot see that they might as well roll up a £5 note and set light to it. (Sorry if I should have typed £10 but I don't know how much cigarettes cost).

I think other posters have come up with some good ideas. What about showing your fiance supermarket receipts? He can then see the cost of things that you have every day. Show him how the cost of the necessary things that you buy compares with what he spends on cigarettes.

I don't know how hard it is to give up smoking (I suppose everyone is different) but I gave up biting my fingernails when I met my lovely late DH.

No holidays but he burns £250-£300/month on fags? I'd have never put up with that.

If he'd given up when you did then you'd have £15k - £18k.

I think that as he either won't or can't give up and there are other things that are a priority for the money then he needs to figure out a way of making his smoking cheaper. Agree an annual amount that he can spend on it (he's currently on £3 - £3.6k) - he then needs to figure out for himself how he's going to cut it down - either by smoking less or by smoking cheaper (roll ups?)

Why not tell him to smoke roll ups. DH smokes and I get him cheap tobacco off a guy on Facebook.

Yes, every time he moans about money, reply 'If you'd given up smoking when you promised to, we'd have 15-18K more in the bank. So I think you're the last person I want to hear spending tips from.'

Every. Single. Time.

I'd really be beginning to hate him by now, I have to say.

There's a lot if good suggestions posted on here. He won't read Allen carr although I found it really helpful when quitting. He's too lazy for roll ups but I'll mention champix. He's said he'll cut down so many times I know it's just words. I said to him today 'do you realise you spend £3k a year on smoking (appx £8 per pack per day). We could have a family holiday every year for that' and his reply was 'it doesn't cost that much, stop nagging me, I've told you I'll quit'. I notice the smell and taste more since I quit but I think because I used to smoke it doesn't bother me. I've said to him i don't want to discuss my spending until he quits which pissed him off. Let's be clear, I don't overspend. I often buy second hand stuff, sell on ebay/gumtree, have no hobbies and bag and bank all our change. We have no loans, credit cards or overdraft plus we have a small amount of emergency cash savings so he's got zero reason to complain about my spending. I make our house a home and i take good care of our children. You're right castlemilk. I'm feeling very resentful at the moment.

I think a really good vaping kit could help. I have really struggled for decades with giving up smoking (the only times I was genuinely cigarette-free were when pregnant) but vaping has helped me massively. I no longer have any actual cigarettes and though it isn't ideal as I am still addicted to nicotine, the vaping has at least stopped me taking in so many other nasties (and it smells actively pleasant rather than horrible). It's also tons cheaper. I spend probably a tenner a week max on vaping instead of £8 a day which is a much cheaper indulgence. I'm also gradually switching to lower strength liquid so hopefully will soon be nicotine-free (and then I can stop altogether). Plus there isn't a secondhand smoke issue, which is a major benefit for all the family.

He can't cut down. It's an addiction and it's not that easy unless he wants to. But he could keep the addiction quiet and MUCH cheaper by vaping.

Tbh if my partner told me to 'stop nagging' I would just not want to be with them.

I also quit vaping. It has been a life saver for me. I had to quit do the the severe stomach and intestinal issues smoking caused me.

Due to smoking, I caused massive ulcers in my stomach and small intestines. I had to have most of my stomach removed and 15 cm of my small intestines. Was hospitalized 4 different time and the last for 8 days (that Included a 10 hour surgery) and came home with a stomach feeding tube, as I could not eat and was basically starving to death. Im in the states so I had to take out a $25,000 loan to pay the hospital bills. My insurance is not that great. Im 43 yo (as of last week) and fortunate I'm still living. I do hope I live anothe 35 to 40 years.

Smoking causes more problems other than cancer. I have been to hell and back, but I am getting better. Show him this post. This is the ugly side to smoking a lot of people do not know about.

When/if I recover, stopping now will have added years to my life. I use the vape on 0 nicotine now and my addiction is the hand mouth deal.

I hope he decides to stop,unfortunately the more you say about it, the more pissed he will become and say fuck it all, I'm not quitting.

Good luck to you and I hope he realizes how he is destroying his body. xx

• should have said quit "by" vaping....

Just to stress, vaping is not the same as buying those over-the-counter e-cigs. A heavy smoker might need two vape kits to make sure one is useable whilst the other is charging, at first.