To get annoyed with fiance because he hasn't stopped smoking

[thefourgp]

When we met 8 years ago we both smoked. When we decided to buy a house and have children 6 years ago we agreed that we'd both quit smoking. I quit when I got pregnant 5 years ago. He never has. He's never even gone a full day without a cigarette. He smokes outside the house but I don't like our children seeing him smoke as it means they're more likely to smoke when they're older. We're trying to save to get married and it bugs me that £250-£300 a month is getting thrown down the drain. He's forever telling me to spend less (I'm in charge of all finances/shopping/present buying etc) even though I know I don't spend excessively.

We have no loans or credit cards but we're twenty years off paying up the mortgage up and not so comfortable that we can afford to splash out on holidays every year etc. He has repeatedly said he's going to quit....'when you get pregnant, when the baby's born, next Monday etc'. I bought him those electric cigarettes as I thought if he used them then at least we could cut down the cost but he just started using them in the house and kept buying cigarettes to smoke outside so I binned them. He left a well paid job he hated at the beginning of this year to start a less paid job that he likes and I'm pleased he's happier but he promised that he'd quit then so the pay cut wouldn't make any difference to our monthly budget and of course he hasn't.

It's causing us to bicker. I sympathise because as an ex-smoker I know it's not easy (I went cold turkey when I found out I was 2 weeks pregnant) but it's not impossible either and I'm sick of hearing one excuse after another. Sorry it's a bit long winded. Just glad to get this off my chest. Do I have any right to be angry with him for not stopping if I knew he smoked when we got together?

I don't overspend. I often buy second hand stuff, sell on ebay/gumtree, have no hobbies and bag and bank all our change.

So you're living a pretty frugal life.

I wouldn't put up with it, but I'm biased as I loathe the habit.

All the posts about money and health would have had no effect whatsoever on me when I smoked.
It's an addiction. Rational argument has no effect. You look at statistics or evidence and nod along. Agree to stop. And have a fag.
You anbu to be frustrated with him but yabu to expect to make a difference to an addict.

3 grand! No holiday for the family. Fuck that.

DP said he'd quit when he was 30. He's now 32 & doesn't get kissed very often.

What Worra said in the first post, OP. I'm an ex-smoker too and understand (and sympathise) with both you and your fiancé. He's an addict, you're no longer an addict and he must be feeling some guilt at impacting your life together because of his habit.

It's so tempting (when you smoke) to pick a hitherto unreached point in the distant plans to quit smoking because you know you're not there yet (so can still smoke). You sound really fed up and that you've tried everything you can. You probably know all the tools and techniques there are - I used the Allan Carr book and quit first time, my mum went to the AC seminar and also quit. I don't know what method you used but if you're not familiar with Allan Carr, he tackles the reason why smokers smoke and makes them want to give up. It's easy when you already WANT to quit, not so much when you don't have that 'want'. The book was great, I would recommend it.

As other posters have said, money and health aren't necessarily motivators for somebody to quit. There's needs to be some compelling 'thing', whatever that is.

Sorry, OP, missed that you'd read the Allen Carr book. It really is good, isn't it? Would he go to a seminar if he doesn't want to read the book?

It's clear that he has no intention of even trying to stop.

It's also clear that he doesn't care that he is wasting money and he fully intends to continue doing that.

So really all you can do OP is decide if you are going to accept that or not. Sorry, there is nothing you can do to make him stop. Also sorry that he is lying to you. This does not sound like a good relationship