Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utter fucking bollocks

31 replies

dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 20:21

My DS is nearly 5, his dad and I separated so my DS was dropped home by his dad yesterday morning after his days with DS. From the minute my DS stepped into the house he has been a total pest! I am skint this weekend due to it being the end of month and patiently waiting for pay day. The weather here in Glasgow has been bollocks too so we ain't really done much outside of the house which I know is a contributing factor to his behaviour. Whenever we have done an activity in the house it's lasted minutes because of DS having a tantrum.

Today he went to play at his friends house 2 doors down today and when I went to collect him all hell broke loose which resulted in my DS punching me in the fist twice! I was so embarrassed and really upset! I got him home bathed him and put him straight to bed, he kept trying to talk to me about usual 5 year old stuff but I honestly couldn't look at him and had to walk away from him. I have had to give him into trouble quite a bit this weekend due to his behaviour. I'm sat here in tears feeling like a total fucking failure and like my DS hates me, he told me today he hated me!

OP posts:
Discopanda · 26/10/2014 20:26

YANBU, have a big glass of wine. Although it's easy to say "They don't mean it, they love you really" sometimes it feels like they bloody do! Fingers crossed he behaves a bit better for you tomorrow, if it's raining just chuck him in the garden anyway.

Original poster
dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 20:28

Punching me in the face not fist ffs

OP posts:
Calloh · 26/10/2014 20:28

YANBU to feel that way but honestly this has happened with my DS (now 6) a few times when he was 5 but he seems not to have done recently and is back to being a very loving child.

I honestly think this is a part of learning independence - albeit an extreme form - please don't feel sad. My son didn't mean it, he was just experimenting. But I was absolutely gutted Be firm that he must not behave like that and he must think of other people's feelings and give him a cuddle - do you reckon that'll work?.

Calloh · 26/10/2014 20:30

I thought he did mean it - he was saying how much he disliked me to his little sister, I crumpled. I think though that he was testing that he could feel like that. He seems to have got through it and we haven't had any of it for quite a while. I really hope you have a better day tomorrow

Original poster
dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 20:31

Calloh, when I put him to bed I just said goodnight and left his room, I sat in the living room and cried! I went back into his room as I couldn't let him go to sleep without kissing him and telling him I loved him but he was sleeping so the fact he has went to sleep with me angry with him is killing me!!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 26/10/2014 20:34

Awww, you're definitely not a failure, and he definitely doesn't hate you!

It gets easier as they get older Grin

Pugsake · 26/10/2014 20:35

He won't of meant it dontknow children are experts at pressing all your buttons. Tomorrow's a new day. Thanks and Wine for you.

motherofmonster · 26/10/2014 20:36

Try not to worry, i went through a awful stage with ds5. Everytime he came back from his dads i went through 3 days of hell with him hitting me, punching and biting. It really got to me as it seemed his hatred was so focused on me and i was heartbroken. It got to the point where i started looking for help and advice. I was told to go back to basics, have a behaviour chart, have a routine and stick to it. Punish the bad but also remember to praise the good. I know i fell into the trap of more or less avoiding contact and interaction like playing a game with him because i was scared of the outcome, but looking back i can see that from his point the only time he had any feedback from me was negative.
stay strong, it will pass and remember that the old saying ' we always lash out to those closest to us' is true and don't take it personally.
you have my sympathy op, i was in tears most days, but we got there in the end x

pudcat · 26/10/2014 20:38

Did something happen at his dad's to cause this, or has his dad been trying to turn him against you?

bellarations · 26/10/2014 20:39

It's not nice to be embarrassed by your ds but I'm sure it meant less to the friends parents. Try not to worry or over think things especially if this was out of character for him. He may be tired (?), or just fed up with the changes, you say he got back from dad yesterday. Is he normally ok?

Original poster
dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 20:40

How do people punish bad behaviour? I've tried taking toys away and him having to earn them back, I've tried banning a planned activity, I've tried putting him in his room until he has calmed down. This works for an hour or so then it's back to bad behaviour

OP posts:
Calloh · 26/10/2014 20:41

Don't worry about him going to sleep with you being angry. He will have totally forgotten tomorrow morning. I think Mother's advice is great - finding and praising the good. Tomorrow is another day and you can have a wonderful day. Please, please don't sit there and feel bad!

Original poster
dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 20:41

He is normally fine when he gets home, I've spoke to his dad today and he assures me that he is getting the same sort of behaviour from him

OP posts:
Squeakyheart · 26/10/2014 20:48

Have heard that boys have a testosterone surge about four/ five that upsets behaviour, could it be that? I know that my nephews and godson all went through a stage at this age. My friend said it helped knowing it wasn't anything she was doing wrong and that he would grow out of it!

Fingeronthebutton · 26/10/2014 20:51

How long have you and Dad been separated ? Can you imagine how confused the poor little mite is. I sound as if I'm having a go, I'm not. I'm looking at it from his perspective. He's hurt and confused. He's going to lash out. And unfortunately, your in the firing line. His Father left, he doesn't know if your going to leave. Just hang on in there and keep telling him you love him. It will pass.

motherofmonster · 26/10/2014 20:59

Plus , and im not trying to run down weekend dads here before i get flamed, but its easy to be the 'fun' parent and give into every small demand and shower them with treats and be 100% amusing them when you only have to cope with them for a few days a month. Its harder when you feel like you are being pushed into the grumpy mummy post because in reality you cant focus constantly on them when the washing needs doing, clothes need putting away ect ect.
One of the things that was hard for us was trying to get my exP to understand that the rules have to be the same in both houses

Original poster
dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 21:33

The thing is due to my work and child care issues my ex shares the care of our DS so my DS lives with me Monday through to Wednesday night then he will go to his dads, one week I pick my DS up at 9am Saturday for football practice then I have him for the whole weekend through to the Wednesday night then the next weekend is his dad's weekend, hopefully that makes sense?

When I returned to work after maternity leave my ex Mil agreed she would look after my Ds Thursdays and Fridays to let me and my ex work, when we split the ex mil said she would still have my DS on these days but my ex now lives back at home with the folks so he sees this as him looking after our DS

mother your right when my DS is with his dad his dad has his mum running about doing all the washing cleaning cooking so he has all his time with our DS but when he comes home to me I have everything to do on my own.

I'm rambling on now someone shut me up!

OP posts:
Marmiteandjamislush · 26/10/2014 21:45

Hi OP,

I know exactly how you feel. My three yo went bonkers in an Italian restaurant recently. He hit me in the face, spat food out on the table and broke a plate! I wanted the ground to swallow me up and I disciplined him just as you did with DS. You are not a bad mum, you are teaching him, that is what we do. It can feel horrible at the time but it is always right. Try to settle down and dry your eyes, have a Brew and a Biscuit

Original poster
dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 21:49

Thanks marmite in fact thanks everyone for the kind messages!

I have indeed ate some cake and had a glass of wine, I will talk to my DS tomorrow and explain why mummy was upset and leave it there.

OP posts:
motherofmonster · 26/10/2014 21:53

Ramble away, just hoping that seeing that alot of mums have been through the same, and sat by themselves crying wondering what on earth is going on brings you some comfort. It honestly will pass x and children seem exceptionally clever and picking up on the things that will hurt us the most, it used to break my heart ( and admittedly my temper) when mini monster used to go on meltdown mode and scream that he hated me, wanted his daddy ect. It was so hard not to take it to heart or even worse point out some bloody home truths about this so called wonderful daddy
but just do your best to keep calm and take a day at a time. Remember he us only small and lashing out x

Original poster
dontknowwhatnametopick · 26/10/2014 21:58

Your right mother with everything you have said, thank you for your kind words! I know it will happen again but yes one day at a time and I think more patience from me!

Thank you x

OP posts:
BasketzatDawn · 26/10/2014 22:04

Not the same, I know. But ds1 used to go to stay with my dad and come home after an utterly indulged few days, and be quite obnoxious to have back (he has 3 little brothers so getting away was lovely for him and my dad) and say things like ' I don't want to live here', 'I want to go back to granddad's' etc. Lots of meltdowns too.

It broke my heart but he did outgrow it. He's a lovely young man now - 24 now and been text-chatting to his mammy from his dreich place in Paisley all evening. Smile We di have to have lots of talks about what was and wasn't acceptable behaviour.

thursday · 26/10/2014 22:06

My 5 year old, previously a joy to behold, is having a far too long phase which involves being semi-feral and kicking us. It's exhausting and it's confusing when she was never like that before. Don't worry about him going to sleep with you cross, I think consequences for the behaviour have to include knowing we're upset by it. Mine then gets really upset and I have to steel myself to not forget the whole thing because I don't want to fall out with her. This too shall pass x

championnibbler · 26/10/2014 22:25

When did it become ok for children to assault their parents? Am i missing a trick here?

motherofmonster · 26/10/2014 22:29

No but i think you might be missing where anyone said it was ok? Don't think anyone has said this? Just trying to give advice from parents who have went through it and came out the other side.
of course it us not on which is why she is upset about it Confused