No bond with my prem baby

[Mummywithlove]

My DD was born at 28weeks and she was in hospital for 3 months and she is now 18months old with a few health issues and I don't have a bond with her at all.
I feel so horrible and I feel like a bad mum! I do love her to pieces but I just aint got a strong bond with her like I do my son?
am I a bad person?
What can I do to make a bond with her..

I don't seem to have the patience with her, all she does all day is cry cry and cry and has done for the last 18 months, when she gets ill its backwards and forwards to the hospital and basically I blame myself for her coming early because I couldn't do one simple thing as to keep a baby inside me for 40weeks!
I thought to myself that I will get a bond with her when she's a bit bigger but the more I stress over her the less of a bond we have. I would like some advice as to what u can do to help getting us a bond...
Many thanks
Please don't judge me,.. xx

That sounds really hard. No judgement from me at all. Have you had any counselling to help you deal with your feelings about her birth and your perceived failure? I do say "perceived" because her prematurity was not your fault, and I feel so sad for you that you are blaming yourself.

I don't have any expertise or great advice but I just wanted to say you are NOT a bad person or a bad Mum - you've clearly had a tough journey and you mustn't blame yourself that you haven't bonded yet. It took me 6-12 months to bond with DC1 and sometimes these things take time; it's no reflection on you as a person.

Is it the health issues you mention that are causing the endless crying? If not I think you should talk to your HV or whatever prem specialist you see about both this and your feelings. They won't judge you - they'll have seen this before.

Be kind to yourself, but please ask for help about bonding.

You obviously do love her very much because its making you so stressed out and I think thats part of the issue. I agree you should seek counselling to resolve the guilt you feel.

But it really isnt your fault, things happen, once you start feeling better about her birth, you can start building a bond, also seek out support groups for premature parents, you probably arent the only one who felt like you do.

thank u for all the kind messages my dd has microcephaly and shes constantly picking toys up and smaking herself on the head and brusing herself, like everytime i gota take her to the hospital a doctor comes round constant asking how she got bruses but the way they say it as if ive done it and i get funny looks off every1 and its hard my husband has started to click on that i dont have a bond with her, but when i try to explain y he changes the subject, and every time i change her bum she cries and hubby wud run into the room as if ive done something and i am starting to get really upset, bearing in mind im currently 7 months preg and have a 2year old boy and i do everything for my kids, i get up in the night and i get no sleep, i take kids to hospital/ docs and i think he thinks im a bad mum... i am so tired all the time and stressed and i just cant cope with the crying from dd x

like I feel so shady because I don't really want to go counselling or anything like that because then my hubby will no im not coping and I think he'll think im a useless mum. :( I want help but without him knowing? I feel so useless.

You think you need to get help in secret because your husband will disapprove? That is so sad. He should be sympathetic and supportive of you.

I hope he steps up when the new baby comes, because three babies under 3 is going to be hard work.

First off, speak to your GP or HV about the way you're feeling.

He sounds like your biggest problem. You need rest and help, he should be providing both, not piling additional stress and judgement on you. All your kids are at difficult and tiring stages, you need a break. You can't expect to bond with a sickly baby with the pressure you're under, you're only human.

i like looking after the kids cuz i no if i do it, its done right and the only reason i dont want counseling is because it make me feel that ive failed as a mum and a wife. I dont want him to know that I aint bonding. I dont want to sound like a loser x

i dont want u to think my hubby a bad man, hes far from that, i think im just to affraid to ask for help and telling people i havent got a bond, i dont want to upset my hubby by telling him the truth as it was both of our ideas to have kids close together, and he"ll think it his fault by making me preg in first place. I Dont want to disappoint any1 thanks for all messages and not judging me

I think it is still too young to really know what bond will form. Often daughter to mum connections in later life are stronger than for a son. And you ask what you can do to make a bond with her, well it will maybe be a case of waiting til she can talk and it may change very gradually.

But as you are struggling with it now how about finding a counsellor now, maybe in the evening when you husband can look after both children.

Also the back to hospital over and over is very very hard and that must be a part of why you are struggling.

Oh love...what a pickle...I couldn't cope with DC3 even tho I'd badgered DH for another baby...I eventually had counselling...It was very helpful...if you go to your DRs and tell them how you are feeling, NOONE will judge you...you have had a lot to deal with....you can have counselling with out him knowing but its not about not coping, its about your feelings over your DDs premature birth....Although my DH (lovely man) never knew I saw someone till years later..like you I felt a failure...counselling made me see that it wasn't my fault...go and see your DR...this is very common...

Mummywithlove...do you have video on your phone...if you do why don't you see if you can get a bit of film showing her hitting herself...then you can show the Drs what she does and its not you doing it...she might have a headache? Also get some help from your HV and maybe have a sort out of toys and remove the hardest and give her softer toys to play with...do you have respite care (I was a respite carer)...next hospital appointment, ASK for some help...I wish I could help you...are you in the South west?

thank u all so much, i really am gratefull! i think i gona have to talk to some1 even if my hubby thinks bad things about me! i dont no if he will but hay hoe. i cant carry on with the guilt,. i think the main problem with me is when i was younger i was always pushed away even when i asked for help,(from my parents and family).. and they always judged me and they said to me when i had my first that i wouldnt cope and i wud be a useless mum, i think the past has come bak to haurnt me and i dnt want my family to be right. my hubby is the only person i have and i cant even open up to him and tell him the truth cuz i dont want to hear any bad things and i dont want him to think god ive married a woman that cant even cope with a prem baby. ive been called a waste of space to many times. x

mrsdevere, my son used to go to play groups every week but my daughter would become ill and end up going into hospital for weeks with not being able to breath so we had to stop my son from going. which i feel nasty for. every1 says he should go to school but its either my son education or my daughter health? so which do i choose x

I agree with mrsdevere it sounds like all this has got you down and you are starting to doubt yourself as a mum. Anyone would find your situation hard. Most counselling is someone to talk to who understands the issue, more than someone to tell you what to do, although they may give some advice it's more about helping you work out solutions for yourself with a little guidance.
One thing I would do is start looking at all the ways you are being a great mum to her and your DS. Remember the saying Love is a verb you might not feel all that loving right now but you are showing love with all the care you give. So dont feel bad and compare yourself to others, or compare the relationship you have with your two different children, but just work on making small manageable improvements and work towards a realistic goal.

I agree with previous poster that you should video your child doing behaviour that concerns you. I had an uphill struggle trying to convince health staff that an event was occurring at home because it did not happen at school and they believed the professionals at school. Take a video or photos on your phone so that they can see with their own eyes.

You need a break as caring for a premature baby with health issues is very demanding especially if they are crying and not sleeping. My son who was born early went to a special needs childminder for a couple of mornings a week, even at the same age as your child, it gave me a chance to catch up on sleep, focus on other children and just do simple things like having a bath or doing the food shop. Asks your health visitor or social worker for a Carers assessment for you.

Do you feel like you might be depressed? I didn't feel like i bonded with my DD like I did with my DS, in the end I admitted that I had PND, had counselling and medication and now feel much better.
For me, the bond still isn't quite the same as it was with my DS but I think it is different with your first because it is just you and them for most of your days.
It must have been very traumatic having a premature birth and maybe speaking to somebody about the time would help?
Please don't beat yourself up or blame yourself.
I think there is an expectation that we will instantly fall head over heels in love with our babies and have an instant bond, some women are lucky and get that but for some of us it's not that simple.
For me, I did love my DD but I felt like I was looking after my niece or a friend's baby. I loved her but there just wasn't that bond.
That bond will come but you're probably going to have to concentrate on being kind to yourself for a while for that bond to come

You're not a bad mum at ALL, in fact I don't know how you're doing it, what with having your daughter, son AND being pregnant, and with the health issues your daughter is suffering. I think the key here is that you're just exhausted - from my own experience, everything is a million times harder when you're knackered, and I know it makes me so much grumpier, too. Then I feel like a horrible mother and we don't have any fun together. It's a vicious circle.

I have a 20-month-old and I only really bonded with her a month or two ago. Of course, as you describe, I loved her before that, but I was frequently sad, and didn't really enjoy her company that much, and would have taken any opportunity to pass over childcare

Oops, posted too early, sorry.

• to someone else. But now we've turned a corner - I couldn't explain why. Maybe because her communication is better, and maybe because now I'm more experienced and patient and these things only come with time? I'm telling you this only because I think you should know lots of people feel this way, you are NOT a bad mother - you care, and want to sort it out and be the best you can be, which shows how dedicated you are. And I didn't have to contend with my daughter being in hospital for three months either, or deal with health issues like you have had to do - and yet I found it hard enough! I think if you speak to your doctor you might find a solution to make everything so much easier and wonder why you didn't go before. It's NOT failing, it would be very brave. Tell your husband how hard you are finding the daily grind, and try to find a way in which you are able to take some rest. Does he spend time at home with the children, and know how hard it is?

Sending flowers, love and luck. The days are long but the years are short; you will get through this hard time an grow to love your daughter just as much as you love your son, even if you're having a hard day or week. ((OP))

Reaching out for help is a sign of strength and not something a 'loser' does - that alone shows that your are a good mother to your children.

Stop beating yourself up - you are struggling in a very difficult situation, you don't sound v supported by your DH or HCP, so stop being hard on yourself.

Parenting 'normal' children is the hardest thing anybody will ever do IMO and IME - you have 2 close together, another one on the way: you need help NOW, before the new baby arrives.

Yy to deliberately seeking time with your DD: hold her, cuddle her, sing to her, look at picture books with her, even watch some CBeebies with her on your lap etc etc.

You sound so sad and defensive, rather than proud of your achievement of having got through a really tough time - that took strength. I've been there with term DS1 followed by preemie DS2 12 months later - he is now 10 and I still shudder at the memories.

See your GP, speak to your HV, attend a SureStart Centre, could you consider a Mother's Help for a few hours a week? The help you need is out there, but you do need to make the first step and reach out for it.

Would it help if you showed your DH this thread?
Be very kind to yourself.