No bond with my prem baby

[Mummywithlove]

My DD was born at 28weeks and she was in hospital for 3 months and she is now 18months old with a few health issues and I don't have a bond with her at all.
I feel so horrible and I feel like a bad mum! I do love her to pieces but I just aint got a strong bond with her like I do my son?
am I a bad person?
What can I do to make a bond with her..

I don't seem to have the patience with her, all she does all day is cry cry and cry and has done for the last 18 months, when she gets ill its backwards and forwards to the hospital and basically I blame myself for her coming early because I couldn't do one simple thing as to keep a baby inside me for 40weeks!
I thought to myself that I will get a bond with her when she's a bit bigger but the more I stress over her the less of a bond we have. I would like some advice as to what u can do to help getting us a bond...
Many thanks
Please don't judge me,.. xx

Honestly, I think you sound depressed. Your posts are full of blaming yourself for what's happened, belief that people, especially your DH, either do or will think you are useless and your own belief that you have failed as a mother. They also show a lot of evidence that you are actually full of love for your daughter and managing to take care of her and your family very well so it is unlikely that any of the things you think are true.

You have been through, and are still going through, a hugely traumatic experience. You and your DH will have coped in different ways - he may feel the worst is over while you may not be taking stock of where you are and feel overwhelmed. You also have past experiences of your family unjustly blaming you which won't have helped at all.

I'd really urge you to make contact with your GP or Health Visitor and ask for counselling and to contact Bliss. I think you would find it very helpful to meet other parents of prem babies so you can know your experience is totally normal, not due to any deficiency on your part at all.

but i feel like a bad person because i cant open up to anyone. i wudnt say im shy i just dont like asking for help, i also feel like a bad mum cuz i dont feel comftable in my daughters company and i have to leave the room when she cries and moans, but the thing that annoyes me the most is the slightest noise dd make my hubby runs into the room and mards her and plays with her but when my son cries because my dd has bitten him my hubby just ignores him and when my sons gets upset cuz 'daddy playing with sister and not me' it pisses me off!! and when i play with my son my hubby says i dont like my dd cuz im ignoring her!!

i dont have any rest or any peace,. every1 says 'your only 20 years old u shud have loads of energy' but god i feel like im on my last legs. i do admit i was foolish to have kids close together, and i take my hat off to all u single mums, i dont know if i push my dd away cuz the way my hubby is with my son, i just get my hair off. i get annoyed with the sound of my dd voice and the look of her...
just getting this out of my system has helped alot, but its just stupid things like having to take my sons toys away cuz dd hits herself with them, and having to feed them separetly cuz dd wont eat hers she wants sons and then he"ll push her away so he can eat his. hubby comes and tells son off for pushin her,!!

this morning for example. my son was eating his breakfast and dd came and bit his arm (she had hers 5mins before hand) so my son bit her back and cuz she cried hubby came running and told son off and all he ever says is he cant bit her shes a poorly baby and we argue cuz i say shes got to learn! sorry for the long message, but i get pissed off with it!! x x

Are you scared to have a bond with her.

Based on my experience with my own DS, I think that anxiety and lack of confidence seriously inhibit the bonding process.

Sounds like you are a fabulous mum in difficult circumstances, so please take courage from that. I really think that counselling could be very helpful. But most importantly, you need to open up to your dh and share what you're going through. Partners can undermine your confidence in so many ways and sounds like he's unknowingly doing this. He needs to help you build your self esteem.

Keep telling yourself everyday that nobody knows your DD like you do - and nobody can meet her needs better. And the more you take confidence in that, the more the bond will grow.

im scared of opening up to my hubby incase he thinks im a bad person and i dont think he'll understand x

It does sound as if you are going through the mill at only 20 and have very little support around you. You aren't expected to cope with everything by yourself and feeling like you haven't bonded is very common for mums of premmies. It's also common for couples not to be able to talk to each other about it.

If it's easier to speak to a stranger or email it, you can contact the Bliss helpline. I promise you they won't be shocked or judgmental, many of their volunteers are people who have been where you are now and know how important it is to support mums in your situation. The details are on the website here:
www.bliss.org.uk/

Mummy, your posts really show some disordered thinking: it sounds like your DH AND you could do with some help to even communicate about everything you've been through together.

You have close age gaps, special needs, poor support by the sounds of it - you need to open up about this and not hide or minimise it.

What exactly could your DH take to mean your are a 'bad person'? Nothing you've written suggests that.

Do have a look at BLISS - nothing your writing is in any way unusual or unheard of. Please get some help and support on board - for practical and emotional help for your whole family.

I think your dh would be relieved you are getting some help, sounds like he sees there is a problem but is not helping effectively. No need to tell him about your exact feelings if you find that hard. Just say you are going to someone from Bliss about coping better with some of dds health problems.