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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Were they being unreasonable? Wedding/honeymoon question

57 replies

StarlingMurmuration · 25/10/2014 08:49

A couple I'm friendly with got married in a massive and expensive ceremony last year - think exclusive country house hired out, rolls royces for the five bridesmaids, horse and carriage for the groom, sit down meal for 100 people then 200 guests for the evening do. It was absolutely lovely, and we and they had a wonderful time. Because they already own a house and had lived together for a while, they asked for money for their honeymoon - a 'trip of a lifetime' - in lieu of gifts. All well and good, and we were happy to contribute.

What seemed a tiny bit off to me was that the honeymoon they wanted wouldn't fit with the time of year they married (think monsoon season) so they postponed it... Again, fine, but in the meantime, they used some of the money for a 'mini-moon', basically a week in Italy. Something about it doesn't sit quite right with me... On one hand, I suppose when you give money, you don't get to say what it is spent on, but on the other, it seemed tacky to have guests pay for two honeymoons. So, WTBU? AIBU?

Name changed, by the way.

OP posts:

avocadotoast · 25/10/2014 13:17

We got married last year and asked for money towards the honeymoon. We had a little trip to Edinburgh which we paid for ourselves, and then planned to go away this summer as our proper honeymoon (because we couldn't afford to go anywhere that would be nice weather in November).

What with one thing and another, we ended up moving house, bought a (10-year-old) car and now I've found out I'm pregnant, so the "proper" honeymoon probably won't happen now.

Long story short: yeah, you are being unreasonable. They still spent the money on their honeymoon. I'd be really pissed off if anyone took issue with the fact that I haven't been away, never mind if I had been!

bananaleaf · 25/10/2014 13:20

I like that slanleat

Theorientcalf · 25/10/2014 13:23

It wouldn't bother me.

carlsonrichards · 25/10/2014 13:25

This trend for give us money is ridiculous.

Bowlersarm · 25/10/2014 13:32

I think yabu

They swapped on holiday for another.

I see no problem at all.

ethelb · 25/10/2014 13:36

I don't think giving them money is the problem here, I think it is the awful patronising term 'mini-moon'. A bit like people who sneer at your 'staycation' rather than going away.

For plenty of people a holiday to Italy is a big deal and suggesting that it is somehow lesser than their grand honeymoon 'somewhere that has a monsoon season' its quite insensitive. We had friends who had a 'mini-moon' to Turkey that they insisted was 'just very small'. The lavishness of the pics posted on FB was pretty galliing considering how insignificant they played it out to be.

They are otherwise quite nice, sensitive, considerate people, but somehow having a wedding turns you into a complete cow in some cases I'm afraid.

I would just laugh off their ridiculousness and move on OP. They have got wedding brain and it will wear off eventually.

maddy68 · 25/10/2014 13:45

Really don't see the issue at all here tbh

Original poster

StarlingMurmuration · 25/10/2014 14:11

Oh God, I must be really unreasonable if everyone agrees AIBU! Oh well. mumsnet jury has spoken. Thank you everyone for not being harsh, anyway!

Maybe it is the idea that a trip to Italy is just a little mini-moon which hacked me off. But I expect I am just being mean, because I don't even have the justification of having struggled to give them our gift, or not being able to afford a holiday myself. I just thought it was kind of tacky!

OP posts:

Noodledoodledoo · 25/10/2014 14:43

We didn't ask for money at our wedding so paid for honeymoon ourselves. However we did have a minimoon (I like the phrase) as we wanted to get married just after Christmas and as I am a teacher didnt have time to fit in a honeymoon before term started. We had three days away in UK in a luxury hotel. Our honeymoon was the following Easter.

As others have said if they haven't set excessive demands on contributions I can't see the issue, a minimoon to Italy is extravagant but then the price we paid in UK could have paid for a week abroad!

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 25/10/2014 14:52

I think you just feel hurt because you are down about your own situation.
In reality they may have had some extremely generous gifts from other relatives which added up to more than they first thought, which afforded them two holidays. Maybe they felt as they had said all money would be used on honeymoon spending they had to honour that to keep everyone happy, and thought this was the way to do it. Or maybe they paid for their own "minimoon" as a treat for themselves to enjoy their new start as man and wife before going back to work. Who knows.
But I do think you are being a bit unreasonable, it is not the bride and grooms fault you can not afford a holiday, and I am sure they would hate to know you feel so upset (well they would if they were close friends). You chose how much to give them, that was in your control - so I hope you didn't leave yourself short.
But I don't understand why you see them going on holiday is tacky? Maybe the wording is a little poor, but its not tacky to want a holiday after the stress of planning a wedding (even my low key £1800 -yes under £2K - wedding was hell to plan thanks to family issues).

I think if anyone should be peeved it should be me - I gave a friend a decent amount when he got married, they said they were going to use it as a deposit on a house. The money was used to pay a divorce lawyer. Like I say, I should be peeved as the money was definitely not used as intended, but I am not, he is well shot of her (the lying, cheating, user that she was)!
Plus his next girlfriend became a very good friend of mine, and had he not divorced his wife he would not have met her - so I guess it was money well spent.

Only1scoop · 25/10/2014 14:57

Yabu....sound a bit Jel....

But then so are they bu....

By using the phrase 'mini moon' it's hideous beyond belief....

This week alone I've read about a baby moon and a milk moon

Anyone who uses any of the above yabvvvvvu....and nauseating beyond belief....

skylark2 · 25/10/2014 15:06

I wouldn't be happy being asked for holiday money from someone who is loaded enough to have an extremely expensive wedding. I don't mind helping someone to have something nice that they couldn't otherwise afford and who is otherwise frugal.

I don't think whether it's spent on one or two trips would alter how I feel about this.

at the work colleague asking the same people for the same expensive gift two weddings running!

skylark2 · 25/10/2014 15:11

Just to add...it is possible that I am slightly jealous. Our honeymoon was a week self catering in northern France, six months after the wedding.

Original poster

StarlingMurmuration · 25/10/2014 15:17

Little, as I noted twice above, we can easily afford a holiday - the reason we haven't been away this year is due to a very wanted pregnancy which has had some complications, meaning I've been too unwell to travel.

They didn't in any way set a minimum on the amount they asked for, they would have very graciously accepted other (cheaper, smaller) gifts instead because they're lovely, and we gave them a generous amount knowing that they were planning to do two trips. So I don't feel they 'did' us in any way! I might be feeling a little put out that we didn't manage to get away this year, I admit, as their photos looked absolutely amazing. And i guess maybe knowing it's going to be a while before we will get the chance to have such an extravagant couple's only trip for a while now we have a baby! I don't know why I thought it was tacky to have two honeymoons... It just seemed a little 'off' to me. But I accept AIBU.

OP posts:

ChocolateWombat · 25/10/2014 15:19

If you give money, there is no knowing what it is spent on. It goes into their account and then money comes out....for Tescos shops, to pay the gas bill, the mortgage, to pay for holidays, to buy clothes etc etc.
Tbh once you have given money, you have no control.

When people have received money, they often tell the giver something nice they spent it on....so the giver feels they have contributed to something special. I think the week in Italy fits into this category.
However, it may well be that there is money left over and your contribution did actually get spent on the Tescos shop.
Would you prefer to be told that?

I think that if you are not happy for the recipients to spend it as they wish, money is not the right gift for you to give. And of course you can give an actual gift if you prefer.

I have known people with a john Lewis gift list to end up returning most of the gifts and taking vouchers instead to buy a sofa or other large item....was because they didn't get enough of the china on the list to make up a set. I thought it was fair enough. Not sure I care enough one way or another what they do with my gift.

ImperialBlether · 25/10/2014 15:31

A mini-moon is what those boys who wear their jeans too low do when they have to walk any kind of distance.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 25/10/2014 15:57

Sorry, must have missed those posts.
So you feel down because you have been too unwell to travel? Welcome to the club. I am too unwell to leave the couch (though mine is not pregnancy related - I am just ill).
I get that you feel down, but don't confuse the two issues. Your friends are going through a good time, try to be happy for them, just as I hope they will be happy for you when your baby arrives.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 25/10/2014 15:59

or were happy for you when your baby arrived... if I got that wrong.

Original poster

StarlingMurmuration · 25/10/2014 16:01

They will be very happy for me when my dd is born! Maybe this is all just part of being irrational and hormonal.

OP posts:

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 25/10/2014 16:14

I think it is "cooped up at home in winter climates whilst others are jetting offitis." I have it too - have been sofa bound for 4 weeks since a lumbar puncture triggered a low pressure headache, I got jealous of my sister going to work the other day... I have it very bad.
It will all seem to vanish when you hold your new bundle I promise.

MillieMoodle · 25/10/2014 16:26

We asked for travel vouchers from our wedding guests with the idea that we'd put them towards a honeymoon. We got married in January and went to Italy for 5 days after our wedding (which we paid for ourselves). We'd planned to book 2 weeks away somewhere hot that summer but by then we were expecting our son. We spent most of the vouchers last year (3 years after our wedding) taking our then 2 year old abroad to see his grandparents. My parents bought the rest off us and we put what was left into our savings. Still haven't had 2 weeks in the sun in 10 years together!

DurhamDurham · 25/10/2014 16:32

I've never joined in with the whole wedding list and requests for money. Whenever I go to a weeding I buy a lovely photo frame so they can stick a picture of themselves in it. I'd hate to give money if all I could afford to give was £10., I would be embarrassed even if the bride and groom were ok with it. Buying a gift makes it less obvious that I only have so much to spend.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 25/10/2014 16:34

Sorry, I didn't get past the notion that a week in Italy is "mini."

netty7070 · 25/10/2014 16:34

My actual honeymoon was a week in Italy..five days actually.
Weddings have gone mental.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 25/10/2014 16:38

My actual honeymoon was five days, too, at a location a 2.5 hour drive from where we lived. What is considered a decent honeymoon these days?

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