to only work 4 days?

[BobPatandIgglePiggle]

I went back to work when ds was 7 months as we couldn't afford longer.

He's 2.9 now and I still 'only' work 4 days. I'm a teacher so it's actually 4 really long days plus evenings prepping etc.

I have an hour commute (2 days withh ds on public transport) and am
out 7.20 - after 6 those 4 days.

I love being off one day with ds and sacrifice things to have it (nothing major but I spend very little on myself really)

Dp seems to be starting to resent my day off though now that ds is "getting older" and has made a few comments recently about my 'easy day'

I really don't want to work five days, I miss ds and look forward to our day.

Aibu though - it's hard to tell really.

took voluntary redundancy with a years pay tax free so had a year and a half living as a sahm, now been back at work over 18mths and dfiance says what a massive difference it made when I went back to work full time - it is much harder for him, he starts early and picks up ds at 4pm and I get in at six (start at 9 so do mornings alone as dfiance gone at 6.30am - it actually works v well - but df totally appreciates the value I added when at home, all the housework is now done in evenings and weekends, shopping and errands all done in that time or we use our lunch hours - and to be fair that has to be shared equally so he has had to take on more. The extra day takes some strain off - if I could afford it I think part time would be most ideal to maintain career, earn money and spend time with dc while running the house is easier as you can do stuff while caring for dc.

Sorry OP I must have x posted with you earlier. I hadn't seen the post about the 85% and the pillowcases.

It sounds like your OH has unrealistic expectations. Write down a list if all the things that you do on your day with ds. Plus all the other things. Then write a list of what your OH does.

Then sit down and tell him that if you were to go back full time, there would need to be a rebalance of household duties. Carve up the workload and what a paid cleaner would have to do.

Then go through the financials. With the cold hard facts in front of him, your OH might be less reluctant for you to return ft.

Then you need to ask the question of why it's so damn hard to put the bins out.

Download a teacher's pay calculator. I also work an 80% teaching timetable and I bring home way more than 80% of the pay.

Why does he get the car on the days you have ds on your commute? Why can't he use public transport or car share?

The pillow cases etc make him sound selfish. Do you cook and clean up every night when you have been at work or does he do half? Who shops? Does the washing?

Tbh I would go back 5 days and insist on him doing 50% of all household chores, I would want the car 50% of the time and only do 50% of the child pick up drop offs. I would also want him to do 50% of sick days, gp appointments etc? But no doubt he would then pull the 'I earn more/ you get holidays off card'.

Ps if you count your day as a weekend day for you so he does 55% more work and you 45% then he should be picking up 45% of the housework - that is where you are unbalanced and why you are feeling like this - but he needs to recognise this and get on board. It's only till dc is in school anyway remind him and it benefits the family that you have more time to keep the household running and giving you dc a break too.

I don't drive (and have no desire to, we have excellent public transport nearby and parking at work means I'd have to be in even earlier to get a space) so the car is his.

I batch cook so most days dinner is just a quick heat up and chuck some veg on.

YANBU. I don't work at all and DH works f t. He is totally happy with it, makes his life easier if anything. I would hate it if I had to miss out on DC. DH did not want to stay home at all. A lot of this is that caring for children, or anything that isn't paid, has been very devalued to the point that SAH and looking after kids is seen as a 'luxury' or 'leisure' time instead of important and valuable work. It is also common now for fathers to not want mothers to have anything more than them. Eg they work f t why should mothers have more time off! I have a friend who was bf and her husband made her give up as 'why should it just be her who feeds the baby'. Equal should not have to be doing the same things but it should be equally valuable to do paid work or caring work in the home.

Chunderella - to answer your question, yes, I think all decisions about work/ home balance need to be agreed between the parents. Even if in the short term, increasing hours doesn't mean a financial gain, there is still a discussion to be had about the longer term. I think the bottom line is: big decisions like this are about the whole family, and therefore it's important both parents are on the same page, otherwise resentments will fester.

My point about pensions: the teaching pension (even given the imminent changes) is still just about the best one there is. It isn't shit- it's seriously pretty good. It's so easy to just make decisions about the here and now, and my point was really that I could so easily have fallen into that trap myself. I worked 3 days a week from when dc1 was 12 weeks. Two more children later, it would have been very easy to merrily continue on 3 days even with all 3 children at school, but co incidentally a f/t opportunity came along the term my youngest started reception. At the time I didn't even think about the pension issue... I just took the f/t job as I liked the school. In retrospect it was the best thing I ever did. Even just a few years of p/t has dented my pension quite a bit, and if I hadn't subsequently stepped up to f/t then it would be massively lower. The pension works exponentially, so, eg 5 years fewer than the full pension will have an impact of far more than 5 years less money.

Anyway, it's up to the OP and her DH on how they manage their work/ life balance; there is no blueprint of what's right or wrong. I just wanted to flag up the longer term issue because many people have said 'if you can afford to work p/t then why not?' and 20 or so years ago I could easily have said the same thing. It all seems a long way off when you're in your 30s with a young family, but the next 20 years flies by and it all looks very different when you're not too many years off drawing your pension!

My dds are 13 and 10 and I still work pt. There is still a hell of a lot to do, even when they are at school! I would be telling my DH to do one if he went on like this. FGS he is still only 2 regardless of the .9!!

I think the issue is that your dh doesn't want to have an extra day off work himself and clearly sees absolutely no value in your son spending more than the weekend and evenings with a parent. You do and so a lot of people. (Me included) Your son will love to be picked up from school by a parent once a week too.

Yes, I agree chunderella- for most people, pension provision will be dire, and I think it's the next big crisis to hit the UK.
My point I suppose is the same as yours: wherever possible, a couple should come to agreement, and should look at the situation from all angles in an attempt to come to an arrangement they're both happy with.
And as the OP is a teacher, and therefore in that minority that will have very good pension provision, that should be part of the discussion. After all, it will impact on the wider family.
If the OP were in one of the many jobs which doesnt have a good pension, then that would swing the balance more in favour of looking at the here and now rather than the future. I agree with you that if the main benefit of one's job is the actual money in your pocket each month, and not long term benefts, then I can totally see the point of sticking to 4 days rather than 5 if the childcare costs are going to wipe out much of the benefit of working the 5th day anyway.
I guess in a nutshell my point is: consider all angles. Money in the here and now, pension, future promotion prospects. All these need to be part of the discussion with one's partner. And in the case of teaching, the long term factors probably weigh far more heavily in that discussion simply because the pension is so much better than for many other jobs.

Why on earth would you need a cleaner if you were all out of the house 5 days a week, and two adults were at home with one small child for evenings and weekends?

A cleaner is a luxury in that situation, not remotely an essential. It is completely normal for both parents to work full time and still manage to do their own housework. You don't have to dust and hoover every day and the world does not end if every room isn't perfectly tidy when your child goes to bed.

Sorry for personal bugbear, but the answer to "I won't have hours spare for cleaning" isn't "get a cleaner", it's "stop doing the make-work."

I do think about my pension but I've paid into it since I was 22 and, because we're buying a cheap ex council house our mortgage will be paid off when I'm 53 so I can pay extra in later if necessary. also I could get hit by a bus and not benefit from vast pension payments but I know I shouldn't think that way

Dp has just got up from his lie in (it's mine tomorrow) and I've quickly said 'I'm a bit pissed off, we need to readdress some stuff later when ds is in bed. I'm off for a bath, when I come down I would like you to have looked around to see what needs doing and do ot without being asked please'

He's apologised (this rant was brought on by a build up of the above but catalysed by him refusing to play with the kitten for 5 minutes when he came in from the pub to give me a break from her terrorising me by saying 'I can't be arsed, you play with her - you've been off all day') for being a cock last night and has brought me a coffee up.

We'll see whether he notices the washer needs emptying and the dishes need putting away...

He really is full of resentment isn't he? Does he actually want his son to be in childcare 5 days a week, he seems only to think of it from the parents point of view not how your son benefits. Plenty of women don't work at all with a two year old.

I did 4 days a week at one point. I remember a colleague bringing up the fact that I got a day off. When I pointed out I still got up to take my children to school, ran round doing everything I hadn't done, the children were home from school at lunchtime and therefore I was off to save on childcare.

I only do 2 days now. Dh seems to think I have unlimited time to do things for him. Without remembering I have a chronic illness making me need the extra days to rest.

YANBU
I work 5 days as does DP who is supportive and hands-on when it comes to childcare and housework. I really struggle to fit everything in and don't get all the things done I'd like to do. Some of that is personal choice, like this afternoon, I could do a million things around the home but I'm going to take DD to the aquarium. Sometimes it's because I'm so tired.
I'd love to work 4 days so I could do more around the home but finances won't allow at the moment.
If 4 days is working for you, I wouldn't change it at this point. See what can be changed at home to make life a bit easier.

If you think that this is about his resentment of all your 'free' time rather than financial pressure, there was something on the BBC News website recently (think the Magazine section) where you enter your and DP's work hours, and then estimate the number of hours per week you both spend on household stuff - it's all broken down into tasks so fairly easy to complete.

I think we can all guess which of you does the lion's share overall!

I think you need to talk about it though as this will fester otherwise.