to be cross

[Hmmmwhatnow]

I'm going to family for half term. DH and I normally go together but he has to work so I'm going alone. I'll be driving c. 4.5hrs with 3 DCs (5, 2 & 3m).

DH and DF and DM have been whittling about the drive and now I find out DH had asked a (male) friend to do the drive with me and when that failed DF has booked a train to come all the way here in the am to drive my car all the way back again.

I love them so very much and I'm sure I'm a selfish ungrateful cow but I'm RAGING.

I just want to scream that I'm a grown up who travels the breadth of the country for work and I was looking forward to doing the bloody drive and above all I feel so restricted and infantalised.

aarrggghhhhhhh

Deep breath.

I too would be furious.

It comes from a place of live I'm sure but still, ridiculous.

I can almost understand it from your DPs but what on earth is your DH thinking?

I would tell Your Dad not to come on train in any circumstances.

DH and I would have one of those type of conversations.

Try not to start world war three but calmly and very firmly state that you are an adult and a parent and that the lack of a penis does not in any way impair your driving ability.

Really quite on your behalf.

No-one should be asking anyone to help (not sure why you mentioned the fact his friend is male?) or booking train tickets without your agreement.

However, I too would be concerned about anyone doing that journey alone with my children (presumably on motorways etc), especially if for example the baby has a bad night and keeps you up.

I can't imagine the nightmare of a toddler tantrum plus a screaming baby kicking off on such a long journey, so as I say if they were my kids and DH then I too would be a bit worried.

^^ many typos due to the but you get my meaning I'm sure.

What is the justification for it?

Is it so that you can attend to the baby if he cries?

Is it because you have been worrying about/expressing regret at having to travel alone with the DCs?

Or is it just because you are a fragile little woman who can't possible manage motorways?

If it's the latter, I'd be bloody fuming!

I suspect Worra that it's a make friend and a male Grandparent coming to help with the driving because the dear little woman can't be expected to drive on her own.

No, yanbu! The drive is no bother, I'd sooner have a passenger to deal with back street squabbles and unwrap the opal fruits, but there isn't one. Asked a male friend to drive you???? and they said no, the shock! What was he supposed to do? Get a train home or play husband all week?

And they arranged this without speaking to you? I think I'd just not be there when he got off the train

Of course you are being unreasonable! A woman driving alone on public roads is just not done! /s

If I were you I'd be bloody furious.

Do you normally drive 'the breadth of the country' with three under 6 children?

I think yabu, and that the others you mention are concerned both for your welfare and for those of your children.

Is this a reverse AIBU?

It's completely rude and unacceptable they planned all that behind your back and as for asking a male friend to escort you..?! Just what the actual fuck.

It could be that Blue or it could be genuine worry about someone making such a long drive alone, with such young kids.

Gender could be a red herring here and they might be just as happy for the OP to share the driving with anyone, so that she's free to see to the kids and 3 month old baby if needs be.

OMG why is everyone so hung up on the OP's Husband's friend being male?

The vast majority of my DH's friends are male.

I think dh probably thought he was doing you a favour as the dc are young and could possibly need attending to whilst you are driving.

There's absolutely zero excuse for not having this conversation with the OP, seeing what she thinks and they coming up with a solution if needed. To just decide she can't cope and ask around for a rescuer can't be anything other than infuriating, however well intentioned.

I totally agree thursday

I hadn't really taken much notice of the genders mentioned.

And I go along with what Worra says

I'll start out by saying I don't have a driving licence, but to me (even though I can understand why it might give you The Rage) they seem really concerned for you and your DCs comfort and safety.

4.5 hours with three such small children would be a fucking nightmare difficult in anyone's books, even if they've got someone else with them.

Their concern isn't any reflection on your professional reputation, I'm sure driving the length/breadth of the country for work isn't anything like having three under 5 YOs in the back demanding the Earth.

They shouldn't be going behind your back asking people to do whatever, but maybe your reaction in the OP says something about why they might be trying to sidestep bringing it up with you?

If they are all strapped in and you are actually able to drive I don't see what the problem is. It's not that long a journey. I will be doing the same hours tomorrow without a stop.

I did mention male as it feels like little woman syndrome. I pointedly asked DF if it were DH driving alone with the 2 DC would he be coming but he said the situation wouldn't arise, ducking the elephant in the room!

Its stupid because DF raised 4 very independent women. And I'm main breadwinner yet put a car into the mix and it's game change.

But I understand the worrying about the kids though I'm fully prepared with toys/ipads/reins/snacks etc. So I'm stuck and can't really complain as it could be just about the DCs. it isn't

3DC sorry forgot 1! Maybe that's the issue I did once leave a pushchair at the M1 services maybe they think I'll leave a DC in it this time?

In all seriousness though maybe I'm too independent? I really didn't see driving the 3 of them there as hard

I don't know if it's really about the DCs or not because I don't know you or your family. Equally I don't know whether you're the type to assume sexism immediately, without looking at the bigger picture.

But how well do your 3 month old and toddler sleep at night?

Has anyone ever commented negatively on your driving or how you react to toddler tantrums/baby screaming in the past?

It's not hard. It's just a few hours and if you pick the right time the children will probably be sleeping for most if it. DS was used to an 8 hour drive from a very early age. It's no biggy.

worra I would think genuine non gender biased concern would have expressed itself as a conversation With the OP and offers of help.

It seems unlikely that the OPs Dad would have leapt on a train (without asking) if it had been her husband making a solo journey.

That aside their concern isn't a problem, it's how they acted on it which is reprehensible.

I'm doing twice that tomorrow and not madly looking forward to it. However, the train service to the open day DD wants to go to is down for engineering work.

If your DF has raised 4 very independent women, why are you thinking that he's doing this because he thinks you can't cope with the trip without drifting off into thinking about fluffy kittens instead of concentrating on the roads?

Maybe he genuinely cares about you/his GC?

Maybe the bloke was the only person they could have asked to help out?

Just reassure them that you're a capable and responsible mother and driver and everything will be OK

A bit of hair stroking probably wouldn't go amiss.